Pre-Dating and First Date Tips

Keen Category: Love Advice

Overhead view of couple talking at a dinner table

As we continue our journey towards building self-esteem and confidence, we are taking action to build a strong foundation in our own life. In doing this, we will be able to share our life with someone special. We will attract a healthy partner who can love and support us.

  1. Know what you want in a partner

    Before entering the dating scene, write a list of the traits you want in your partner. Be clear, specific and honest. Your list may look like this:

    • Emotionally available
    • Honest
    • Communicative
    • Single
    • Straight
    • Financially stable
    • Open
    • Affectionate
    • Spiritual
    • Funny
    • Laid back

    You can also add physical characteristics to the list such as, athletic, light hair, dark eyes, and so on.

  2. Exude self-confidence

    If you are already in a relationship and your partner is not as attentive as you would like or seems to have lost interest, you can turn it around by exuding self-confidence. Whether you are single or committed, you can control whether or not you are attractive to others.

  3. Be the pursued, not the pursuer

    Attracting others versus repelling them can be likened to a dog. Consider the case of a beautiful Siberian husky named Shasta. Like all Huskies, Shasta likes to roam free. If you chase her, she will run away. If you ignore her and walk away, she will follow. The easiest way to catch her is to get into the car and begin driving away. She will quickly pursue the car and instantly jump in if she thinks she is going to be left behind.

    When you meet someone of interest, make eye contact, smile and go about your business. Pay no attention to that person as you continue with what you were doing. If this potential date comes near you, give a brief and polite greeting, but resume your activity. Following this person around will only evoke discomfort and dampen their interest in you.

    If you meet someone online, use the same theory. Say you notice an attractive person on a dating site and you want to make contact. Send a brief introduction email saying, "Hello, you seem interesting." Then leave it alone and don't email again. When the person responds, keep it short and don't give away too much information.

  4. Get to know the other person

    When you go out with someone for the first time, keep the conversation pointed toward your date. You want to see if this person is balanced. Ask questions to identify if your new interest is stable and grounded.

    • Question your date about interests, background and hobbies
    • Pursue how this person spends free time
    • Find out how much time is spent focused on work, family, health and friends
    • Does your date go out to the local bar frequently?
    • Are the friends of your potential partner regular bar patrons?
    • Is this person politically motivated?
    • Does your date practice a certain religion?

    You can find out everything on a first date. When you are asked the same questions, answer briefly without giving much information or details. The point is to remain somewhat mysterious. It's best to give a brief answer and immediately reciprocate with another question. This creates a little tension based on curiosity.

The men you date can be categorized into four categories: Friend, Booty Call, Long Term Guy or Loser – Run Away Fast. Here are tips to help you identify which group they belong to:

  • Friend
    He's a nice guy, very interesting, good communication, common interests, no chemistry or attraction, doesn't fit into my family or life in an integrated way.

  • Booty Call
    He's attractive, fun, not much in common, emotionally unavailable, immature, can't be integrated fully into my life.

  • Long Term Guy
    Meets my list of characteristics, traits and needs, is able to commit and be intimate, and most importantly shares the same values, communication style and is healthy. He can easily integrate into my life fully with family, friends, work and spiritual beliefs.

  • Loser – Run Away Fast
    He's a player, can't commit, can't communicate, is sarcastic and jaded, needy, dependant, superficial, dishonest, unbalanced, angry and has huge issues from the past that remain unresolved, and/or still lives at home with his parents.

When a date ends and you've decided you're interested in the person, it's ok to be flirtatious, but remain conservative in regards to saying goodbye. Don't offer a kiss; offer a hug and let your date know you had a good time, say thanks and goodbye. Don't ask if they will call. If they offer to do it again soon, say something like, "That sounds fine" and make your exit.

Control the end of the date and keep it within reasonable time limits rather than appear to be lingering. The other person will have the desire to contact you fairly quickly. If you say too much and act too willing to give compliments, the energy changes and you send a repelling energy. The same technique should be employed on the phone, email or chat. The more you exude an independent and confident life, the more someone will want to spend time getting to know you. Many people make the mistake of minimizing their lives and want to communicate their availability. This only creates pressure rather than interest and excitement.

We've all known people who have many offers to date, go to parties and attend events. They are always on the go with plans. It's more attractive to win over the person who is self-sufficient and happy than to settle down with the person who is needy and always willing to give.

Many people have built their lives on pleasing others. They have lost sight of what they want and are consumed with doing for everyone else. In the process, the ones they serve barely appreciate their tireless efforts. In the end, these people end up tired, alone and confused. It's perfectly fine to give, but when it is out of balance with receiving, one can only end up feeling lonely and resentful.

Follow these tips and really embrace the message to work on your own self-confidence and self-esteem. You will soon be attracting romance and the Long Term Guys into your life.

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