Keen Category: Love Advice
The date went great. The anticipation is there. Will he call? He seemed happy. Why hasn't he called? Now your brain is replaying the date and the first thing you are examining is what you may have done wrong. After a bit you may get angry and start downplaying the attraction, perhaps even criticizing him.
But you still have not answered the question: why doesn't he call? And then you can allow for a follow-up: Should you call him? You might begin wishing that you had never played the dating game to begin with, but despondency only makes for a rotten day. You can confront the issue head-on and either address it or move on. Actions, rather than wallowing in self-pity, are the key.
Does It Matter if He Calls?
How much of your angst over not hearing from him is based in your ego? You might have been looking great and your flirtations may have been inspiring, but if he is not interested and has moved on, is it so bad to not hear from him? We live in informal times; people just don't dump a bad first date with a follow up call. There may be a little bit of vanity in assuming he will call and if that has slipped over into a case of narcissism; anger, resentment and eventually self-loathing may result. Avoid the spiral by accepting that you deserve someone who is interested in you and get back on the dating scene to try, try again.
Forget about what he said he would do and review his actions. Did he perhaps signal that he would not be calling despite saying he would? Did you give any cues that he was "off the hook" despite polite agreements to speak in a day or two? You may not realize it, but many casual moments and interactions during a date have a deep impact. You might have brought up a topic of where you want to be in a few years and he mentioned locations that you did not respond well to. Your date could have interpreted that as a cue that you saw no future relationship. He may have mentioned a band he likes and did not get a positive response from you. If he loved that band, a lack of passion or interest in it on your part could have been a deal breaker.
There are also big topics that are not necessarily areas to explore on a first date. Maybe you expressed an interest in finding commitment and having kids or just the opposite. If he has another agenda, then you are unlikely to hear from him. A difference in religion can be insurmountable, and even the most casual dating conversation can spotlight your deeper values that he may or may not share. Deal breakers abound in even the most superficial conversations.
He might want to call you, but is insecure as you could have sent him signals to back off despite what you might have intended or said. Even a polite cue to continue things could be misinterpreted when a man is insecure about what to do. The bottom line to dating, though, is that you should be getting the man with the best attributes. While you can tolerate some things that eventually may be addressed in a shared future, insecurities that cut off communication are ones that he will have to work out without you.
There are lots of legitimate and not so legitimate reasons that he did not call you. Here are a few:
You Aren't His Type
There may have been an initial attraction or perhaps a picture of you on the Internet matched what he was looking for, but upon your meeting, he discovers that there is no chemistry. This isn't a reflection on your attractiveness or desirability; some people just have their "types."
You Came on Too Needy or Desperate
Despite being a good physical match, some of your conversation may have been victim-centered or struck him as being too involved in dramatic situations of which he wanted no part.
You Had Sex with Him on the First Date
If he got everything he could have possibly wanted, he has had his fill and perhaps you have learned a lesson about establishing boundaries and pacing all relationship developments.
He Is Playing the Field
Don't hate the player, hate the game. He might be so distracted with his current Internet personal ads and emails that he just did not appreciate you, whether you were the third or thirteenth date of the last week.
You Live Too Far Away
If he is an hour late because of traffic to your side of town, it might immediately double the demand for you to be even more fantastic to warrant a return visit.
He's Married or Involved with Someone Else
This is one reason why a pre-date phone call is so important. Clearing up this matter seems like a pretty simple task, and yet some men neglect to mention their wives on singles dating sites. Shocking? Yes, the pressures of the modern world are quite taxing on guys, who are prone to forget they live with a woman when the chance to date you arises. He might not be calling you back because someone else is around to pick up the phone.
His Career Keeps Him Busy
There is a chance he got called out of town or is swamped with work. He hasn't called you, but plans to do so when his schedule eases up. Your response should be to not wait before dating other men; even if he does eventually call, you do not want to set a pattern early that gives him complete control of contact in the relationship.
Should You Call Him?
If a week has gone by and you still feel like something good could transpire between you two, yes, go ahead and call him. But understand you may be walking into rejection. If you leave a message and he does not call back, most definitely it is time to move on. BE respectful and do not call back a few times; he got your message and would have been in touch if he were interested. Even if you do get a hold of him and he agrees to go on another date, it could very well end up right back to no calls after you get together. You want a man who is truly interested in being with you and takes charge in the simple matters, so be sure that you are not setting up a relationship to fail.