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The Pisces Personality Type

by Brigid Bishop

 

Having a mother and an elder brother belonging to this sun sign has really given me an inside look at what makes both the female and the male Pisces tick.  Every Pisces will be just a tad bit different than these generalities based on a full chart comparison, however, wherever you find Pisces in anyone’s chart, these characteristics will be displayed.

Common to both sexes of the sign of The Fish is a need for true love, faith and inner peace.  Without these influences in the lives of our friend Pisces, we see a tendency toward escapism and fantasy.

Pisces may well be the kindest sign in the zodiac, and due to this kindness, they are often shocked when others’ behave in ways that are unkind or cruel, hence, the myth that they can be “gullible” arises.  Pisces are not gullible, they just expect the best from everyone, and assume that people don’t go around intentionally hurting each other because it is not a thing that they themselves would do.

They can, at times, be subject to depression, because they see life as mystical and magical and take it as karmic law when bad things happen to them or those they love.

Pisces are extremely romantic.  Did I say extremely?  I mean, mark this EXTREMELY ROMANTIC.  Both the male and female of this loving sign believe that love itself is magic, destined, “meant to be”, fated, etc., etc., etc., and they firmly believe in happy endings.

Pisces love to take care of others.

The Pisces Female may so drown you in affection that you need to escape her from time to time, this will hurt her deeply, she just wants to show you how much SHE LOVES YOU!  Try to be tolerant of this abundance of love and take your space as needed in positive ways, like joining a gym or club or group and making sure that while she is at work you attend.  Pisces females are prone to a sense of abandonment when left alone too long, so always make sure that when you need your space you can give her a good reason for it, like volunteering at a hospital so that she can’t ring your cell phone every hour to check on you.

It’s NOT that she is needy, she wants to make sure that YOU have everything YOU need to be happy.  This can be overwhelming to some of us more independent signs.

The Pisces Woman will do everything within her power and her remarkable imagination to fulfill all of your dreams, fantasies and desires.  This is certainly not a bad thing!

Famous Pisces Women

Elizabeth Taylor, Drew Barrymore, Queen Latifah, Eva Longoria, Liza Minnelli, Cindy Crawford, Carrie Underwood, Chelsea Clinton, Kristin Davis, Chilli, Sharon Stone, Ali Larter, Dakota Fanning

 

The Pisces Male is a care giver extraordinaire as well.  He will work long and hard to make your dreams come true.  He too, will demonstrate the constant checking and rechecking of YOUR needs, but may not be quite as frequent in his assessments.

The Pisces Male can actually be quite shy, and this shyness can be misinterpreted as standoffishness or aloofness, it’s not the case, he just needs to feel his comfort zone before he goes public with his ideas and feelings.

Pisces Men are good at sorting out other people’s troubles and typically find themselves in some type of leadership position whether they want it or not.

Famous Pisces Men

Billy Crystal, Jon Bon Jovi, Albert Einstein, Bruce Willis, Johnny Knoxville, Rob Lowe, Johnny Cash, Freddie Prinze Jr., Benicio del Toro, Kurt Cobain, Billy Corgan, Michael Bolton

 

Both the Male and Female Fish are the types who may actually lie to spare your feelings.  They do not want to be dishonest with you, but they can’t stand to hurt you.

The House where Pisces resides in your chart is where you peacefully get by and tend to have faith.

 

 Around The Wheel  With Pisces

The Aquarius Personality Type

Around The Wheel With Aquarius

Want To Seduce a Pisces?

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Want to Seduce a Pisces?

By Brigid Bishop

Oooooh! Who wouldn’t want to seduce one of these sensitive, psychic and caring people?

With these lovable creatures, whether they are a male or female by gender, you can take the lead in romance and they will surely appreciate your efforts!

Click the "Buy Now" Button Below to Learn All You Need to Know to Draw a Pisces Lover into your life!

Around The Wheel with Pisces

(Compatibility Profiles)

By Brigid Bishop

Here are some basic “Rules of Thumb” for Piscean Compatibility Profiles. Of course, these are based on Sun Sign only, in order to truly plot compatibility it is best to have a professional compatibility profile done between the two charts, but this is a general description of the core energies to be expected.

Pisces Male and Aries Female

This may be a difficult combination unless other aspects within the chart are positive. The Pisces Male is sensitive and caring and the Aries Female is a fiery and independent and action-oriented energy. The Pisces Male wants to sit back and dream a little while the Aries Female wants to go, go, and go. Without an elemental balance within the charts the connection can be fleeting at best.

Pisces Female and Aries Male

This mix can actually work out a bit better than its’ reverse as the masculine and feminine biological energies can enhance the connection. The Pisces Female will idolize the Aries for his take charge approach to life and feel cherished and protected, while the Arian Male will find her femininity and dreaminess quite appealing. She will want to create a comfort zone for him to recharge in and he will want to “lasso the moon” for her.

Pisces Male and Taurus Female

The Pisces Male and the Taurean Female are a very positive blend of the elements of Water and Earth. The Pisces Male will provide for and nourish the Taurean Female, and the Taurean Female will bloom and blossom for the Piscean Male. The dreaminess of the Pisces Male is put into action by the earthy Taurean Female and a firm foundation can be built that has the potential to last a lifetime.

Pisces Female and Taurus Male

The Pisces Female will simply adore the sensual and earthy Taurus Male. Physical chemistry here will be off the charts! She will give him everything she can both emotionally and physically and will stretch her proficient imagination to its’ most outer limits to come up with new and exciting ways to please him. The Taurean Male will not fail to notice this and will work long and hard to give her the best of everything that the world has to offer.

Pisces Male and Gemini Female

The Pisces Male will be genuinely fascinated by the Gemini Female and will be hard-pressed to keep up with her acrobatic mind as she switches from subject to subject and twin to twin, but he will do his best! His daydreams take on a surreal quality that entrances him when she explains to him how to put his thoughts into action. The Pisces Male will actually be able to get the Gemini Female to slow down a bit, to stop and smell the roses, and the Gemini Female can spur the Pisces Male into making his fantasies reality.

Pisces Female and Gemini Male

Unlike the reverse pairing of these signs, biologically, this makes for a difficult match. The duplicitous nature of the Gemini Male confuses the Piscean Female to a point of utter distress. Although much love and attraction can exist between them, without other positive aspects, the Piscean Female may feel much distrust for the Gemini Male, undermining the relationship, due to his lack of consistency and inability to be the same man day to day as he undergoes his transformations from twin to twin. She needs a little more stability to feel safe.

Pisces Male and Cancer Female

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink! The Pisces Male and the Cancer Female are said by traditional astrologers to be well-matched due to their common elemental influence of water, and this can well be so as long as both parties are able to comfortably allow the other to swim to the deep end of the pool of emotion without feeling a sense of abandonment, or hold on so tightly that they begin to pull each other under and succumb to the smothering influences of water. They will understand each other quite well, thank you, but they need to be able to balance practicality with sentiment.

Pisces Female and Cancer Male

A better mix than the reverse genders as the Pisces Female responds well to the nurturing that the Cancer Male naturally provides. When these two dive into the pool of emotion they tend to come out refreshed and reenergized, ready to face forward with optimism, the Pisces Female knowing that her Cancer Man will be there to catch her if she should slip, and the Cancer Male knowing that it is safe to dream and feel his emotions while in her company.

Pisces Male and Leo Female

The Pisces Male will be attracted to the Leo Female, well, just because she is who she is and pulls no punches about it. She will enjoy his admiration of her and he will enjoy her generous spirit. The Leo Female will have the energy to move the Pisces Male to action absent nagging or cajoling, he will want to do for her to be able to enjoy the warmth of her sunlight. Her fire can certainly make his water boil.

Pisces Female and Leo Male

The Pisces Female will be energetically attracted to the Leo Male. His passion and zest for life will be infectious to her, to say the least, and she will muse that in days gone by he could well have been her knight in shining armor. The Leo Male will feel self-actualized by the sense she gives him of being “all man” and will cherish her for the sheer fact of her admiration for him. The problem is, the rose colored glasses have to be taken off sooner or later, and when she sees him as a mere mortal, unless there are other balancing factors in their charts, she may lose interest.

Pisces Male and Virgo Female

The polar oppositions of the suns of these two create a sense of balance. He is imaginative and creative where the Virgo Female is practical. The Pisces Male is sensitive and precognitive, she wants hard facts and figures. The pair is quite capable of a balancing act that can last a lifetime. The Virgo Female keeps the Pisces Male, who is one to drift to other dimensions, grounded here on earth.

Pisces Female and Virgo Male

The Pisces Female is lilting and ethereal while the Virgo Male is down to earth and pragmatic. She dreams ahead in time, he lives in the here and now. At its best, the pairing will bring balance to each other’s lives, at it’s worse, they will be in constant conflict due to not allowing the energy of the other to flow freely. The Virgo Male may be so down to earth that he tries to bind her here against her will. This will not due for the Pisces Female, she will swish her tail and swim away leaving him all alone. If he allows her to dream freely and enjoy her musings and reminds her that he is here in the “real” world waiting patiently, they can last a lifetime.

Pisces Male and Libra Female

The Pisces Male finds the Libra Female hauntingly beautiful and the Libra Female finds the Pisces Male handsome and charming and optimistic. The Pisces Male will so romanticize the Libran Female’s natural beauty that he may not be capable of fulfilling her intellectual needs. This is a woman with a beautiful mind as well, and he needs to appreciate the charm of her wit as well as her feminine wiles to keep her interested.

Pisces Female and Libra Male

The Pisces Female and the Libra Male make an excellent pair. He is totally open to her fantasies and musings and actually loves her precognitive abilities and finds them quite fascinating. He will turn to her when he needs to weigh out a decision for her psychic abilities rather than for practical advice. The two are capable of building a happy dream world together, even with their own language that is impossible for anyone else to interpret.

Pisces Male and Scorpio Female

This pairing is one that is absolutely metaphysical in chemistry. They frequently can read each other’s thoughts and feelings, even when continents divide them. The sexual energy between these two is very sensual and mystical in nature and forms a deep bond between the two. Lovers for life can occur here. The Scorpio Female will not, however, forgive or forget any transgressions on the Piscean Males’ part.

Pisces Female and Scorpio Male

These two are real fire crackers in the sack. There is no fantasy or wish that one will not fulfill for the other. Experimentation and sensuality in all aspects of their relationship, even in sharing a meal, will keep the fire burning between these two for decades. They can easily read each other’s thoughts and feelings and frequently communicate with no verbalization at all. These two easily can become lovers for life.

Pisces Male and Sagittarius Female

The Sagittarian Female’s blunt honesty hurts the Piscean Male’s feelings on a frequent basis. When she feels that she is just cluing him in, he feels he is being criticized. The Pisces Male will swim quickly away when the female horse stomps through his favorite swimming hole spreading her truth and honesty. Although her fiery nature may appeal to him, his sensitive nature cannot endure it for long.

Pisces Female and Sagittarius Male

The Sagittarian Male’s need for adventure, travel and independence will make the Piscean Female feel a bit abandoned. She won’t want to travel too much on his adventures with him as she would rather spend her days weaving her cloth of dreams and fantasies and possibilities, while he wants to rush straight forward into the next journey. She will find his blunt and honest approach to communication painful and although he doesn’t mean to hurt her feelings, he will. Without more elemental balance in the charts this will be a painful experience for the Pisces Woman.

Pisces Male and Capricorn Female

The Pisces Male and Capricorn Female make a straight forward and openly honest pair. She will be practical and he will be dreamy, but he will work to make those dreams come true for her, led by her example. The Pisces Male may like to socialize a bit more than she, but they will find a balance. She will encourage him to aim his socialization at those who form a network to enhance his chances at success, thus compromising their styles in a positive way.

Piscean Female and Capricorn Male

The Goat Man may very well fall off of his mountain peak here, and fall deeply in love with this Female Fish. She is like a siren calling to him just out of sight of the beach, and he must plunge into the water to answer this call. Her mystical nature fascinates him, although he may choose to not believe that she is psychic, inside, he will know she truly is. She will open up his spiritual and metaphysical side and perhaps even teach him that there is more to life than material gain.

Piscean Male and Aquarius Female

The Pisces Male may think the Aquarian Female is just a little bit “out of this world” with her thoughts and actions and his sensitive nature cannot take the constant onslaught of thoughts and ideas without system overload if other aspects of the chart do not create more balance. The Aquarian Female will try to herd the Piscean Male into the life that she feels is best for him, and he is a slippery fish that is not easily led. Power struggles are common in this pairing, as is passive-aggressive behavior on the part of our friend Mr. Fish.

Piscean Female and Aquarius Male

The Pisces Female is the biggest dreamer in the zodiac and the Aquarian Male absolutely loves her for it! Her imagination combined with his creative abilities make a pair that can create an ideal life together. He doesn't feel the need for independence as strongly with this sign as he does with the others, as she and her dreamy ways bring him a sense of inner peace. Someone has to remember to go to the grocery store here or you two might just dream away!!! Wake up!!!

Pisces Female and Pisces Male

These two can be the best of friends, the most sensual of lovers and the most creative and successful business partners that you have ever met as long as ONE of them has enough fire in their chart to turn their dreams into realities. Psychic connections between these two are almost visible to the naked eye! Herein the problem lies, there is no way to lie to each other. If these two ever part company they will totally go their separate ways, although they can have a great love, the ending of that great love is something the Pisces would rather not be reminded of through friendship with an ex.

Around the Wheel with Aquarius

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Want to Seduce a Pisces?

Are You Being Lied To?

There are many ways to tell if someone is being dishonest with you and I am going to give you just a few tips that should help you separate out fact from fiction.

Eye Contact

There are two distinct traits used by someone who is trying to deceive you when it comes to maintaining eye contact. One is to avert the eyes away from yours, perhaps they focus on your mouth when they speak rather than your eyes, or they drop their eyes to the left or the right, this is a signal that they are not confident in their ploy and that they may be afraid of discovery.

The second trait is entirely the opposite, they go out of their way to maintain eye contact, the eyes are opened up just a little bit too wide, and they don’t blink. This is a tactic used by one who is used to being believed when being deceitful and they are the “more practice” liars among us. They believe the old adage that people do not look each other in the eye when being deceitful so they go out of their way to maintain the contact, because they are concentrating so hard on keeping the eye contact with you, they forget to blink!

Too Many Details

Everyone has events happen that may delay them or keep them away from time to time, but a classic tactic of the liar is to fill in so many details that you will be astounded by the richness of their story, after all, who would take the time to fabricate the color of the shirt their buddy was wearing and how he had a mustard stain on it???? It’s fabricating an alibi……….the more details, the more believable, so why would you double check? Usually these “details” are fragments based on fact, but if you get a six paragraph, detailed explanation of an event, something is up, (or covered up).

Outrageous Stories

Prevaricators tend to hold to the premise that the more details, or the more outrageous the story, the more likely it is to be true! After all, if a loose alligator in the state of Ohio showed up on their lawn, then traveled around the property snapping phone and power lines with its’ mighty jaws, and then coming to rest on the front porch blocking the only exit route, how on earth could they have called you when they said they would? They were trapped in their own home for God’s sake!!! Didn’t you see it on the local news??

Righteous Silence

OOOOOOH, this one is hard to spot, you must be very careful just in case it is a “righteous silence”, typically this is used early on in a relationship before any lies have been “caught”. When you question your subject, they take the stance of “I’m not even going to qualify that with a response”. Righteous silence lies are very difficult to root out, as, perhaps the subject truly was honest, but if the hints above preceded the righteous silence, well, then, you know that it is an act to manipulate you into believing their story. You usually find out that righteous silence lies were fabricated long after the lie is told because of the high risk of negative confrontation if the subject is actually being truthful. Keep your eyes open for this behavior, if it happens every single time you have an innocent question, the person who is being this self-defensive could well be telling you fibs.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.  This is an excerpt from "The Dating Game:  Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" available at fine bookstores everywhere and also on Kindle!

Around The Wheel with Aquarius

(Compatibility Profiles)

by Brigid Bishop

Here are some basic “Rules of Thumb” for Aquarian Compatibility Profiles. Of course, these are based on Sun Sign only, in order to truly plot compatibility it is best to have a professional compatibility profile done between the two charts, but this is a general description of the core energies to be expected.

Aquarius Male and Aries Female

This is a fairly good mix. The Aquarian Male will enjoy the fire and spunk of the Aries Female. Her independent streak and regal bearing will attract and fascinate him. She will be his intellectual equal and quite possibly his physical superior, being more active and on the go than the Aquarian Man of ideas and ideals. The trigger points usually stem from the Arian need to be more self centered and the Aquarian need to see the benefit to the larger picture.

Aquarius Female and Aries Male

This mix can be a bit more difficult than it’s reverse as the Aquarian Female will have a strong masculine energy which can cause the Arian Male to repel away a bit. She likes his strength and generosity, but his tendency toward self-centeredness will be hard for her to understand. He likes her detachment, it challenges him, but at the same time he longs to be the center of her universe, which she can never quite make happen, her universe is too multi-layered to have just one center.

Aquarius Male and Taurus Female

Both signs are “Fixed”, as in “unmovable”. The sensuality of the Taurean Female will draw the Aquarian male, but her need for earthbound pleasures and belongings will not match well with his idealism and daydreaming. She will appear to him as materialistic and he will appear to her as “flighty”. Sexual chemistry may be very strong, but without other positive aspects in the charts, the pairing is difficult at best.

Aquarius Female and Taurus Male

His “bull in the china shop” approach to life will be appealing to her at first, as it is so different from her own delicate and airy approach, it makes her feel more feminine to be around him, but when her independent side rears it’s pretty head, sparks can fly. The sexual chemistry here may be strong, but long term compatibility may be difficult without softer, more positive aspects within the charts. Both are fixed signs and need to be in control.

Aquarius Male and Gemini Female

A good pairing! Their high intellects are finely matched, they communicate together very well. The Aquarian Male’s philosophical approach to life matches well with the Gemini Female’s need to analyze life from polar opposite angles. Discussions between these two can lead to many late night conjuring and projections that will keep both engaged and interested in each other.

Aquarius Female and Gemini Male

A positive match but the danger here is that there may be a little too much air swirling around between them, living in the realm of ideas and thoughts, rather than putting their words into action. As they are both idea people, unless one of the personalities brings some fire (for action) and water (for emotion) into the mix, they may just drift endlessly in their own little fantasy world.

Aquarius Male and Cancer Female

This is a difficult match without other positive aspects in the two charts, the Aquarian Male is all air and the Cancer Female is the most watery sign of the zodiac. When you mix air and water you get a kind of “mist” dampening the positive energy between the two, which is why more elemental factors like fire are needed to turn the mist into steam. The Cancer Female is very emotional. The Aquarian Male is not. They will have a difficult time understanding each other. The independent Aquarian man will not like having the Cancer Crab’s claws locked into him. He will feel like she is trying to pull him under the surface of the ocean and will struggle to break free. The Cancer woman will lose the claw before she lets go.

Aquarius Female and Cancer Male

A better mix than the reverse genders, the biological energies are a little more suited to survival of the relationship here than the opposite mix. The Aquarian Female will feel loved and cared for, and although she may not know how to “intellectualize” his actions to understand them, they will make her feel good. Her independent streak will still create a struggle from time to time, but men being more outwardly focused can balance it to the point that they can cope if the love is truly there. The Cancer Male will find her truly fascinating and will learn to hold on loosely for the benefit of the relationship if other aspects are positive.

Aquarius Male and Leo Female

Opposites do attract at times, and when these two are well-balanced this pairing can be extremely complimentary to each other. The Aquarian Male loves her energy, her strength, her loyalty and the Leo Female loves his intelligence, his independence and his loyalty. These two can literally conquer worlds together and learn much from each other, it’s all about balance.

Aquarius Female and Leo Male

Here we truly have polar opposites, but opposites create and encourage balance. He is strong where she is weak. She is clear-sighted when his vision blurs. They will encourage each other to reach their goals and feed each other’s ambitions. These two truly have the energy to become a real “power couple”.

Aquarius Male and Virgo Female

This pairing is one of those that is “all or nothing”. The Mercurial intellect of the Virgo Woman will be extremely appealing to the Aquarian Male, creating fertile ground for clear and productive communication. The Virgo Female may be a little too “earth-bound” for the Aquarius Male’s imaginative wanderings unless other aspects are positive.

Aquarius Female and Virgo Male

She may find him too rigid. He may find her to flighty. Communication can be excellent between these two, but often times they take opposing points of view and expend all of their energy trying to convince each other to switch sides, so to speak. Without other positive aspects in the charts, this is a difficult pairing.

Aquarius Male and Libra Female

This is a very promising combination. The Libra Woman’s need to weigh things out and consider situations from all angles is a wonderful sounding board for all of the imaginative Aquarian Male’s ideas and personal philosophies. There exists a strong chemical attraction between these two that can actually make the independent Aquarian want to settle down and enjoy the beauty of life with his beautiful Libran Woman.

Aquarius Female and Libra Male

This pairing is a set up for best friends and life partners if ever there was one. The Libra Male is perfectly capable of enduring the Aquarian Females need to wander and explore many different facets of life without becoming insecure or controlling. The independent Aquarian Woman appreciates this and is more than happy to invite him along on her journey and share all that life has to offer with him.

Aquarius Male and Scorpio Female

Although traditionally astrologers state that this is a difficult pairing, in my experience and observations I find this to be quite the opposite. The Aquarian Male is not usually thought of as a very sexual sign, but when paired with a Scorpio Woman this changes into heat and intensity. Sexual experimentation and a drive to please each other physically can create a strong chemical bond between these two that is nearly unbreakable.

Aquarius Female and Scorpio Male

Tradition may state that this is not a grand pairing, but the inventiveness and imagination of the Aquarian Woman will keep the Scorpio Male more fascinated and intrigued than with any other woman in the zodiac. The Scorpion feels that each time he takes her into his arms he is holding a different woman because she uses that imagination to keep that spark eternally burning. This is a very sexually charged pairing.

Aquarius Male and Sagittarius Female

This is truly a fun couple! They can be open and honest and free with each other. Neither the Aquarian Male nor the Sagittarian Female has much use for conventional relationships and love freedom while they value honesty. This couple is quite capable of loving each other and the world outside simultaneously without experiencing difficulties with security, trust or possessiveness. Talk about fun! These two know how to have it!

Aquarius Female and Sagittarius Male

Travel around the world and then back again along the way all the while sharing secrets and opening their hearts to each other is what these two will do given the opportunity. Bluntly honest to a fault between the two of them, yet ever trusting and loving. These two will move through life having the grandest of times and even when outwardly appearing “settled” they will always roam together in their minds.

Aquarius Male and Capricorn Female

The Aquarian Male appreciates the Capricorn Females hard work and stabilizing force in his life. The Capricorn Female can keep the Aquarian Male firmly planted on planet earth while he travels astrally and she supports his idealism, perhaps even envies it, but she will keep doing everything that she can to contribute to dreams and visions. The Capricorn Female can motivate the Aquarian Male into being just a bit more down to earth in nature without creating any resentment or discord.

Aquarius Female and Capricorn Male

The Aquarian Female will feel like the Capricorn Male is trying to be her father figure, and just as she did with her biological father, she will rebel against him. Although if other aspects in the charts are positive, the Capricorn Male may be able to lighten up as needed and just keep her stable, if they are not in existence the Aquarian Female will just disappear into another universe when he becomes too overbearing.

Aquarius Male and Aquarius Female

These two can be best friends, lovers, exes that get along and just about anything else you can imagine when it comes to relationships. Both are flighty and need space, their relationships are likely to provide plenty of freedom, so much so that they both may find each other with different partners without even realizing it if they don’t pay attention, but there will never be any resentment or long-term anger if that happens as they truly know how to be “friends for life”.

Aquarius Male and Pisces Female

The Aquarian Male loves the fact that the Pisces Female can dream right along beside him and add to those dreams in her own sensitive and intuitive way. He doesn't feel the need for independence as strongly with this sign as he does with the others, as she and her dreamy ways bring him a sense of inner peace. Someone has to remember to go to the grocery store here or you two might just dream away!!! Wake up!!!

Aquarius Female and Pisces Male

The Aquarian Female will feel like the Pisces Male is a bit over-sensitive at times, and despite her own active imagination, she will want him to take his head out of the clouds and put those dreams to work! If well aspected, she can be the "driver" in the relationship making for a great pair, but if other aspects do not encourage this, the Aquarian Female will move on to a more productive partner.

Around the Wheel with Aries

Around the Wheel with Pisces

Want To Seduce a Pisces?

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Closure is Not a Gift


At least once per day, usually much more frequently, I receive calls from clients asking about exes from whom they wish to be "given closure".

Sometimes it is a freshly broken relationship and quite understandable that they would like to have a logical and mature discussion with the ex as to why the relationship failed, in order to learn from the experience and begin the process of moving on.

There are some clients, however, who are looking to be "given closure" for situations and relationships that are ancient history, perhaps having ended many months or even years ago. These clients tend to be stuck, they are unable to move forward into new relationships, forgoing any opportunities for moving on by waiting and wondering if they will ever "get closure".

They focus on wondering if their ex partner ever thinks about them, how they feel about them, even when the ex partner is obviously involved with someone new! They live in constant anticipation, regardless of how much time has passed, of the old flame making contact and some how, some way, "giving" them the "closure" that they need to move forward.

This is not only unrealistic, it is down right unhealthy. I find that the clients who have this insatiable need for the "gift of closure" are harboring the hope that the ex will see what a mistake they made and return to the failed relationship.

Some actually believe that unless they are "given closure" the relationship still has a chance of resurrecting itself, even if years have gone by.

Closure is not something you are given. it is not a gift.

Yes, some relationships do end with some very clear and defined energies of closure, most have been very long-term and committed in nature, such as marriages and engagements where social expectations are high, but clear-cut closure is the exception in relationships, not the rule. Closure is something that you TAKE.

In most cases, closure is an experience that you go through alone, not with your ex, but alone.

How do you "take" your closure?

There are many ways to do so.

Closure is simply an acceptance that the relationship you once had is now over. You are no longer partners. You are once again two separate entities who are now free to look for a more compatible partner. Closure requires letting go. Some people "take" their closure once their ex becomes involved with a new love, some take their closure after a month or two of no contact and no attempted reconciliation occurs, some take their closure when they meet someone new and feel a true interest in moving forward with the new person, everyone is different.

The people who never receive closure are the people who sit around waiting for their ex to "give" it to them.  They surrender all of their power to an  ex who has most likely taken their own closure quite some time ago, waiting for that "gift of closure" that never comes, from an ex who is long gone.

If you would like closure to your situation, reach out and take it, that's the only way to get it. It's all about acceptance. Accept the change that has occurred, you are not half of a couple, you are an independent individual and you can move forward, you don't need your ex recounting all the reasons the relationship failed to you. Will hearing your ex say "It's not you it's me" or "We grew apart" or "We fought too much" or "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now" really make you feel better? Will it make any more sense to you?

Does knowing with a certainty exactly why your relationship failed make it any easier to move on?  Perhaps, but waiting months or years for a "gift" that never comes is just wasting your time and energy.  In my experience, those who have an actual "closure" discussion rarely find comfort in it, it leaves them trying to argue the point/counter points of the relationship with the ex rather than freeing them to move on.

Instead look at it this way, we had a relationship, it did not work, think of the positives and negatives of that particular partnership and learn from them. Take the good into your next experience and leave the bad behind. Take you closure and move on! The sooner you do, the happier you will be.


Copyright © 2010 Brigid Bishop


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To all of my regular customers, I apologize for my lengthy absence.  As you know, my son was senselessly murdered on September 11, 2014.  I did return during November and December for limited hours, and then the holidays hit, and I took an unexpectedly long break, as I found them to be quite overwhelming emotionally.

I am back now, available to accept your calls and callbacks.

I am returning to Grad School on January 15th, I will be attending class on Mondays and Thursdays, but will be taking calls on a regular basis.  Please feel free to arrange a call with me if I do not appear available, and I will be with you as soon as possible.

Thank you for your ongoing patience and support.

Brigid

Good-Bye Zachary

How much will it take before I break?

How far will I fall, now that I've lost half of all?

When will I shatter, now that half of what mattered...is gone.

How long will it be 'til you're crying for me, or will you laugh?

How far must I go, how long must I wait 'til I break?

I just can't believe, that I survive all this grief, while I wait...

I wait and I yearn, for the life that I've earned, yet your gone...

But life still remains, and I must maintain, 'til I'm done...

My love does survive, I'm still alive, I have another son to hold close.

You were the one, who left me forlorn, I will never forget your sweet smile.

But life must go on, I love you my son, you're not gone.

You're just out of reach. Harsh lessons you teach, as I move on.

I've loved you so long, that love is so strong, you're death was so wrong, I go on.

I must vow to make, the rest of my life, be aloud.

You taught me to live, taught me to give, you're my son.

You made my heart break, you accepted your fate, we were wronged!

I'll stay here for you. I'll live my life through, I'll go on.

The day that I die, I will see your sweet smile, I'll understand, but for now...

I'll live my life through.

Try to do right by you.

It's all I can do.

Good bye.



Love,


Mom

Brigid Bishop’s Gift Giving Guide to Valentine’s Day

 

Valentine’s Day is a holiday that has been much exploited by the greeting card industry.

Remember when you were a little kid in school?

We made our little Valentine Day mailboxes, decorated in reds and pinks with hearts and flowers and we waited for that day in school when we got to open our little cards.  In my school every child gave every other child a valentine, regardless of gender or level of friendship.  It was expected and encouraged that it be all inclusive.  Your parents usually bought you a box that contained enough valentines for your entire class and maybe they had Snoopy or Charlie Brown or Batman, based on what your personal preferences were, and maybe you got some candy too.

It was enough to mark the day and keep the kids happy.

Today, due to the hype which has been communicated to us through the ever invasive media, you can see commercials suggesting you give your valentine anything from diamonds to computers to a new SUV!

It’s ridiculous.

Valentine’s Day IS a traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other, yet, the holiday originally had absolutely nothing to do with love!

Valentine’s Day was named after two early Christian martyrs named Valentine, who gave up their lives for the love of Christ.  The holiday only became associated with romantic love during the High Middle Ages in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer.

Modern Valentine symbols include cupids, hearts, flowers, cards, etc., and the sheer hype of the approaching lover’s day causes some people undue stress.  Either they do not know what to give the love of their life as a gift, or they are overly concerned as to whether or not their current love interest will express their feelings as anticipated.

Too much weight is pinned on a day that was originally set aside as a Catholic Feast Day for the Saints Valentine who died for their faith.

In the late 1300’s Geoffrey Chaucer wrote a poem to honor the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia.  A treaty providing for the marriage, (how romantic), had been signed when the betrothed were around the age of fourteen, again, how romantic.

This was the original “Valentine”.

Following this, a “High Court of Love” was established in Paris in 1400, the court dealt with marriage contracts, betrayals and violence against women.  Judges were actually selected by women based on poetry readings!  To me this is not romantic, it is idiotic!

The day continued to gain momentum as a lover’s holiday through the centuries.

In 1969 the Catholic Church removed the feast day of Saint Valentine from the Calendar of Saints.

In the second half of the twentieth century the Valentine’s Day business of “love” exploded.

In the 1980’s the diamond industry hopped on the bandwagon and began promoting a simple day of exchanging a card, flowers or candy to your sweetheart into an occasion for giving jewelry.

Things have just gotten worse since then.

Here is my “Gift Giving Guide” for modern women, both to assist you in keeping it reasonable and in protecting yourself from being disappointed by unrealistic expectations.

 The nature of your gift should be directly proportionate to the level of relationship that you have with the love interest in question.

This means that if you are just “interested” in the person and have not yet dated him or established a significant connection, a verbal “Happy Valentine’s Day” or a humorous ecard or a little candy heart is sufficient.  Some small token that is mildly flirtatious is all you should provide.

If you have just begun dating, a humorous or flirtatious paper card is appropriate.

If you have been dating for some time, but are not yet “exclusive” or “going steady” stick to the simple paper card.

If you are exclusive then some candy and a more romantic paper card is appropriate.  Perhaps even something related to a hobby or interest of his as a token of affection, but nothing big!

If you are seriously involved to the level of engagement or living together or married then by all means do it big!  (If you are so inclined), however, if your budget does not allow it, again a card and a small token gift is sufficient. 

A poem you have written yourself expressing your feelings is always a nice gesture if you are at least exclusively involved.

Always give the male a little bit less of a gift than you suspect he will present you with.

Why?  Because if your gift outshines his, he may well feel emasculated.  Keep it simple.  Be prepared to receive graciously.

Your expectations should be directly proportionate to the level of relationship that you have with the love interest in question as well.  Review the items above, and this is where your expectations should lie.  If you have only been on a date or two, please don’t get yourself all worked up waiting for flowers to be delivered to you at work.  It is possible, but unlikely, at that early stage of relationship that your new interest will ante up in that manner.

If he is truly “your guy”, well then of course he should send you flowers or a box of candy or balloons!  If he does not, you have every right to be disappointed.  A nice romantic dinner for two with a bottle of wine is lovely too!  Consider his budget when building your anticipation.

You can prevent a lot of disappointment and misunderstanding if you keep it simple and tuned to where you are at in the relationship process.

Please don’t let the big industry media campaigns influence your expectations of this simple day that you should just be happy to mark the occasion with your sweetheart.  You will be much more content if you don’t fall prey to the advertising industry.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 Valentine's Day Gifts by Zodiac Sign

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

 

Many clients call and have concerns because their relationships are not “perfect”, and some may be striving for the “next level” and frustrated with what they perceive as a lack of progress. 

Perhaps they have been dating the same gentleman for 2 years and he has not yet proposed, or perhaps they are living together and he has not yet asked for marriage, or perhaps they are casually dating and he has not yet asked to be “exclusive” or defined the relationship at a level they are satisfied with, i.e. significant other.

Well, let me start by telling you that as an Advisor here on Keen.com, it would be totally unethical and unprofessional for me to tell you WHAT to do.  The best counsel I can offer you is what you can expect given your current path and what changes you would need to make if you are dissatisfied with the outcome.  The rest is up to you, your free will will define the course as you move forward.  If you like the outcome, of course, you are going to stay on that same path working toward that goal.  If you do not like the outcome, we can look at what (if anything) you can do to change that particular outcome……and work from there.

One of the primary reasons that progress slows in relationships prior to establishing the “next level” of commitment, no matter what step of the relationship ladder you are on, is the imbalance of masculine and feminine energies within a pairing.  Please read my blogs on the subject matter for further information.  Click here for some insight into the masculine and feminine energie of your situation:  Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Person?

In order to prevent copyright infringement, this blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" releasing in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

 

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there.........especially those who are experiencing "Relationship Issues" and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise.  This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance.  In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing.  One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of  your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?

In order to prevent copyright infringement, this blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" releasing in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

Revision One © July 2009

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact Brigid Bishop via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.


For further insight, Read "See Dick Run"

When You Fall In Love With a Married Man

It isn't ever planned or well thought out, but women can and do fall in love with married men on a fairly regular basis. It is by no means an easy situation, and like it or not, someone is going to get hurt, that's just par for the course.

Do women go out with the intent to find themselves a married person to fall in love with? Of course not. Attraction, destiny, soul mate connections, current life circumstances, physical attraction, discontent with current relationship, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

Being the other woman requires you to take a step back and take a cold, hard, analytical look at the realities of your situation. There will be serious limitations and you should consider them thoroughly before embarking on an affair or continuing your affair with a married man.

It is entirely possible that someday he may leave his wife, however, you live in the present, not the future, and you have no guarantees that his marriage will end.

What you can expect when engaged in this type of relationships are a lot of spontaneous changes in your ability to see each other. Expect last minute rendezvous at the drop of a hat, but also expect that even your best laid plans are subject to last minute cancellations.

Expect to be spending all major holidays alone. He will be in the company of his family, which does include his wife and not with you. Unless you are well socialized, you can expect to be very lonely during these times.

You will need to keep your relationship discreet. You will be unable to share details of your relationship with friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. This can begin to have an isolating effect on you. You will never get to know his parents, his siblings, his children or his circle of friends unless he gets a divorce in the future, which again, is not where you are now. That part of his life will be compartmentalized away from you, where it is entirely possible that he is fully integrated into your life, creating a major imbalance.

You will truly be living in the shadow of his life.

The married male who is seeking companionship outside of his primary relationship, (his marriage), may be a male who has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife. It is possible that he does project himself into a divorce, however, he may have reasons that lead him to believe that the timing of a divorce is just not right for him at present.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship to you really want?

Has he ever stated to you that he is getting divorced? How much time are you willing to invest in waiting to see if he will end his marriage and move forward into a relationship with you? You need to be realistic, these situations can and do drag on for years. Set a time limit in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait on the sidelines keeping your own life on hold and stick to it.

Do you want a relationship that you don't have to hide? Do you want to be able to go out in public together without fear of discovery? Do you want to be able to introduce your partner to your friends and family and spend holidays and special occasions together? If these are things necessary to your happiness, you must take them into account when deciding whether to continue your affair or not.

Are you realistic in your expectations of how his current wife and any children he may have would react were your affair to be discovered? It is highly likely to be very unpleasant.

If you feel that you just cannot let go of your married partner and are willing to suffer through this uncomfortable situation, there are ways for you to cope.

Try to regain some balance in this totally unbalanced situation. Don't be ready to see him each and every time he can slip away because he suddenly is available unexpectedly. Although you may be tempted to take advantage of sharing that special, limited time with him, you will not allow this to occur as it shows him that he is your number one priority, although you are not his primary concern.

Never forget that these types of relationship contain high levels of romance and drama just by their very nature, whether real or imagined, this is so. Grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual in these affairs. Why? Because he well knows that you are in a precarious position by being involved in him and he has to make it seem worth your while. Don't take everything he says at face value. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. There is no way for him to maintain two honest and open relationships in this situation (unless he is part of an open marriage agreement, which is rare). If he is lying to his spouse, do not think for even one second that he is not lying to you as well.

The biggest and most common lie that married men who cheat utilize is that they no longer are sexually active with their wives. Many will even claim to have separate sleeping quarters, Don't believe that lie even for one fleeting second. If he is still married to her and they are still living under the same roof and she has no idea that your relationship exists, he is still sleeping in the same bed with her.

With that in mind, the biggest mistake a woman in this position makes is being exclusive to the married male in question. Until he files for divorce, a woman in this predicament would be wise to continue to date single and available men concurrently. The best remedy is to walk away from the married man and tell him to look you up after his divorce, but if you simply can't, don't limit yourself to being his woman on the side, continue to investigate other relationship options. If you can't bring yourself to do so, you are going to be very lonely at times.

Exercise caution in sharing information about your affair. People love scandal and gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Many, even close friends, will judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be extremely cautious about whom you discuss your situation with.

Set a definitive time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to spend decades as the other woman, as Katherine Hepburn did, only to have the married man you love die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on in your affair.

If he does not give you an explicit time frame, you should leave him, this indicates he truly has no intention of divorcing.

If he informs you that he is waiting for his children to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If you were to continue your involvement with him throughout their primary, middle school and high school education, what motivation would he have to leave his marriage if you were still with him?

In all of this, you must also ponder how he speaks of his current wife.

Are his references to her respectful and honest and definitive of why he no longer feels he wants to be married to her? If this is the case, he respects women and is probably being honest about how the marriage went wrong.

If, on the other hand, he runs her down and blames the failure of the marriage solely on her you need to be extremely careful. This may make you temporarily feel secure because it convinces you that he is no longer in love with his wife, but, consider that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like to hear him speak of you in that manner?

Remember, these relationships are full of drama and deception, he has to keep you feeling like your stifled relationship is worth it, and he will lie to do so.

It is a volatile and potentially painful situation you are in. You could very likely have your heart broken. He may stay married permanently. It does happen. Remember Katherine Hepburn. You could potentially spend years in the shadows of his life loving him and hoping for change only to find, in the end, all of your love was in vain.

It is best to avoid the situation altogether if possible, but if you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone. There are situations like these that do work out, contrary to popular conjecture, each situation is unique, but you must assess the emotional risks you are undertaking and be realistic about them if at all possible.

The Dating Game: Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Female?

Explore Your Natural Tendencies.

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there.........especially those who are experiencing "Relationship Issues" and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise.  This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance.  In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing.  One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of  your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?  Do you want to express yourself in terms of how you feel?  Is it important to you that your feelings are being considered?  Do you tend to look at things in terms of what you "Don't Want" instead of what you "Want".

This is a very simplistic boil down to a feminine energy being.

If, on the other hand you wish primarily for your partner to respect you, leave everything up to you, if you wish to have control over your relationship, the pace it grows at, the things that you do as a couple, the social circle you frequent, and more than anything you want your partner to look at you as a competent individual and you feel it is of primary importance that your partner respects your thoughts on any given subject and trusts you to make the right choices and you look at life in terms of what you "Want" rather than what you "Don't Want", then your primary energy is that of a male energy being.

Everyone is a mixture of both.

Which are you letting show to your partner or your current interest?

At the beginning of any relationship you are defining your primary energy and you are setting the tone for the life of the relationship.

If you are a Feminine Female then you want your partner to consider your feelings, so you must express yourself in terms of "I feel" and "I don't want....".  The feminine energy, like the Suit of Cups in Tarot is Passive and Receptive which means, if you want your feelings validated and considered you need to take a passive and receptive approach to your relationship.  Being a Feminine Female makes a Masculine Energy Male the correct "type" for you.  This is the man who wants to be respected and trusted and wants you to think him capable and competent.

For instance, if it is the beginning of getting to know a guy and he fails to call you within what you think is a comfortable amount of time you DO NOT pick up the phone and call or text him (or email him).  You wait it out.  It is uncomfortable, but that is what you do.  When the gentleman does call, your proper response as the feminine energy is something like this, "Oh, hi, I was feeling kind of disappointed when you didn't call me, I don't want to be assuming we connected if we didn't.  I'm glad to hear from you.  What's up?"  Your role in assuming your feminine energy role is to simply and passively reject or accept his behaviour.  Nothing more, nothing less.  By expressing how you feel you are putting your femininity out there for him to nurture.

This notifies the male that your feelings are important to you and his behaviour caused you to feel a little insecure, and a masculine energy male will "step up" and validate those feelings for you, without you doing a thing more.  He now knows what you don't want, and will try his best not to disappoint you again in order to gain your trust.

Now, if you are a Masculine Female and you find yourself on the waiting end of a telephone line, it is an entirely different scenario.  First of all, your match is a Feminine Energy Male.  These males tend to be the dreamy, creative type, not the traditional male.  They frequently are artists, writers, carpenters, creators in some way.  The Masculine Female wants her thoughts and opinions considered first, before her feelings, she is a "take-charge" kind of girl.  She knows what she wants and she goes after it.  The Feminine Male is the passive one.  He wants his feelings validated.  Although outwardly, he may be very masculine in appearance, his Primary Energy is feminine, which means, the woman is the one actively "in charge" of the relationship.

In this case, the woman should pick up the phone and give him a ring and invite him out, something like this, "I think we really should get together soon.  How's Friday night for wings for you?".  It's role reversal and it will work for the energies if you are both in your Natural Primary Energy roles.

Ok, so now you know you want to be the feminine energy, you feel it, and you believe that the man you are interested in is a masculine energy male.  You've started out okay, but now he is not initiating.  What do you do?

Nothing.

Sorry girls, but the moment you pick up that phone and call that masculine energy guy you are delaying any kind of commitment or progress by months, possibly years.

The conundrum you inadvertently create is that now you have two masculine energies interacting, you have "effeminized" yourself.  Now that man you are interested in thinks that your feelings do not need to be validated.  You are now "one of the guys" and fair game to ignore your feelings and not cherish them.  Is this what you want?  If you are truly a feminine energy woman, NO, you do not.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you at all, but it boils down to the very arcane (yet true) fact that men are hunters.  If they don't need to pursue you, they will simply take it for granted that you will be available to them whenever they are in the mood for your company.  They will not nurture the connection along, so ladies, PATIENCE is a virtue afterall!

If you are unsure of which energy role you have assumed or if you feel that you may have "messed up" a bit, give me a call and we can take a look at where your situation is at and I can assist you in getting it "back on track".

 

More on this, and the different ways masculine and feminine energies communicate and view sex and life in general in the next installment of "The Dating Game".

Brigid Bishop

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.



 

For Further Insight, Read "See Dick Run"

 

Published Monday, April 02, 2007 10:51 PM by Brigid Bishop Edit
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Adolescent Media Usage and (Romantic) Relationships

Social Media, defined as cell phone usage, text messaging, and social networking sites such as facebook, have made our culture one in which we have immediate access to communicating with each other on a 24/7 basis. During adolescence, dating occurs while youth are experimenting and learning how to balance needs for autonomy with relatedness, (Sullivan, Erwin, Helms, Masho, & Farrell, 2012), social media allows for interconnection at a level that is unprecedented in any culture to date.

In generations past, the adolescent had to delay the gratification of communicating with friends and romantic partners. In the past, it was usual and customary to refrain from calling a friends’ home after ten p.m., to speak with an adolescent cohort. Parents had some control over limiting communication, and were frequently within earshot of conversations, allowing for an awareness of what was occurring in an adolescent’s social life. It was often necessary to first engage with the friends’ parent and ask to speak with said friend.

In today’s world, the majority of adolescents have a direct line of communication through a personal cell phone. This allows direct communication without parental knowledge or supervision. Frequently there are no time limits or boundaries as to length of call, and the adolescent has the luxury of privacy during a phone call, as they can easily move out of earshot of the parent.

Text messaging allows for discreet immediate communication around the clock, even when the adolescent is seemingly focused on other tasks, such as schoolwork, a part-time job, or spending time with the parent and family.

Social networking sites provide access not only to communications, but also to immediate knowledge of what a friend or romantic partner is currently doing, where they are, and whom they are with.

I hypothesize that social media will have made access to partners a source of immediate gratification for adolescents, removing the need for them to develop a sense of delaying the gratification of contacting friends and romantic partners, perhaps limiting the autonomy of today’s youth. My second hypothesis is that due to the public availability of social networking sites, adolescent relationships are now a very public and communal experience, where in prior generations, interpersonal relationships at this stage of development afforded more privacy, and slower revelations of developments in those relationships.

Technology is becoming an extension of the self. There is currently no consensus on social etiquette in the use of social media. Variances in media ideologies, beliefs about media use, and structures of communication, vary from person to person, (Gershon, 2010).

Incorporating technology into the adolescent intimate relationship is the norm. Cell phone use increases social inclusion and connectedness, two psychological benefits, (Walsh, White, & Young, 2007). Facebook interactions have been associated positively with adolescents’ friendship quality and feelings of comradery. Two frequently reported reasons for using Facebook are seeking new relationships, and nurturing and maintaining existing relationships, (Yang & Brown, 2012). Teenagers use technology to initiate relationships, from flirtatious messages to nude texts, (King-Reis, 2011). Teens address the need for a romantic partner more freely and frequently in a virtual environment than they do in the “real” world. Females are more likely to initiate romantic connections on social networking sites, engaging in flirtatious behaviors with interested parties online, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008).

Adolescents have a stronger interest in using Facebook to maintain relationships, than to initiate new ones. Those who reported pursuit of new relationships as a primary cause for Facebook use reported a higher level of loneliness than those who were motivated to use the social networking site for relationship maintenance, (Yang & Brown, 2012). In the 2001 Pew Survey, only 17% of adolescents reported using instant messaging to ask someone out, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008). Initiating relationships through Facebook is not currently the adolescent norm, it is used to screen people they have met in real life as prospective dates, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008). It appears that social media use of adolescents does not include beginning a romantic relationship as a primary function, but rather, maintaining these relationships, once they are established is primary.

Once a romantic relationship begins, Facebook can play an integral role in establishing it amongst the peer group. Adolescents use the “Relationship Status” feature when their romance goes public, the adolescent changes their status from “Single” to “In a Relationship”, they must enter the name of the person they are in this relationship with, and then that person must acknowledge the romantic entanglement. This makes adolescent relationships public knowledge to their network of friends at the click of a button, where in bygone generations, relationships gradually became public knowledge over time, as an adolescent couple was observed by their peer group. Today, this public changing of relationship status has assumed the social equivalent of “going steady”, which in years past may have been marked by an adolescent male giving his girlfriend his class ring to wear, (Gershon, 2010).

Teenagers use technology to remain in constant connectivity with their partners. In a study conducted by King-Reis, from after school until 10 p.m. 50% of teens reported calling or texting their partners, nearly 40% reported that they were in cell phone or text contact with their partners ten to thirty times per hour. Nearly 25% of teens reported contact between the hours of midnight and 5:00 a.m., with one in six admitting to a frequency of ten to thirty times an hour during this timeframe. Texting is the most frequent form of adolescent social media usage (King-Reis, 2011).

Free access to each other not only increases interrelatedness in youth, but also increases the opportunity for conflict to arise. Cell phones can be used for fighting through calls and texts. The constant availability to communicate with each other prevents the adolescent from having a cooling off period, limits their ability to step away from a situation, a teen will likely desire the immediate gratification of resolving the conflict in the “now”. Jealous partners use cell phones to monitor calls and texts to determine the extent and nature of communications with rivals (Sullivan, et al., 2010). One study found that 17% of teenagers reported that their partners made them afraid to be unresponsive or slow to respond to calls, emails, and texts out of fear of what their partner might do, (King-Reis, 2011).

“Fidelity management”, characterized by ongoing monitoring of dating partners’ activities and interactions with others through social media, is a key area of conflict in adolescent dating relationships (Sullivan, et al., 2010). The ability to be omnipresent in each others’ lives feeds feelings of jealousy and insecurity. In generations past, when a young couple was apart, it could well be “out of sight, out of mind” until the couple was in contact again. In present culture, there is very little ability for time spent truly apart, as at the flip of a switch or touch of a button, the adolescent can see exactly what their partner is doing, and whom they are doing it with. The AP/MTV study found that 25% of teenagers reported that their intimate partners have checked the text messages on their phone without permission, and 10% reported that their partners demand their electronic passwords, (King-Reis, 2011).

Breaking up is a painful process for the adolescent to go through, the media used to execute the break up shapes the ending of a relationship. In a study performed by Dr. Illana Gershon, adolescent research participants viewed text as the most casual form of communication and inappropriate for severing a relationship. These participants stated that email was a more formal form of communication, and compared it to receiving a letter in the U.S. Mail. Older participants felt that it was only appropriate to end a relationship in person. Abruptly ending a relationship in public on facebook by deleting a relationship status was the most painful and embarrassing breakup reported by participants, (Gershon, 2010).

Social media usage presents even more challenges and potential for embarrassment when a relationship ends. When adolescents break up, they generally change their Facebook relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “Single”. This status change appears immediately in Facebook newsfeeds and in the partners’ status updates. In years past, when an adolescent couple broke up, they generally shared it gradually with close friends, and peers acknowledged the breakup gradually through observations. Relationships ending in the public arena of Facebook are a significant portion of research by Dr. Gershon. She wrote of multiple examples of how couples managed making the dissolution public. Endings ranged from joint decisions to notify close friends and family first, to abrupt endings by one partner with no forewarning that completely severed all contact permanently, (Gershon, 2010).

All participants stated that they felt pain and discomfort to a greater degree due to how the breakup occurred rather than why it occurred. The less opportunity a former partner had for a question and answer exchange when the romantic partner communicated the intention to end the relationship, the more distress they reported, (Gershon, 2010).

Text message breakups were the most frustrating, according to Dr. Gershon, because there was no way to ascertain when a response to a termination was received, and allowed no inquiry. Breakup by instant message allowed for immediate interaction. Respondents stated immediate response capability equates to face-to-face communication, (Gershon, 2010).

Cell phone and internet usage can be used to harass past partners, the ability to block one’s number allows for anonymity, and youth may at times use these technologies to repeatedly call a former partner and hang up to simply annoy them. In some cases adolescents have reported turning off their phone or changing their number to avoid unwanted contact (Sullivan, et al., 2010).

The Clairborne study documented that adolescents do not typically share information about their technology interactions with partners with their parents. Seventy-two percent did not inform parents that their partners were actively engaging in fidelity management, 77% did not disclose that they were afraid to be unresponsive to media messages, and 78% did not report when a partner harassed or embarrassed them through social media, (King-Reis, 2011).

Reasons given for failure to inform parents included believing it was not a serious concern, fear of losing social media access should the parent find out about the negative activities, and fear that parents would forbid continuation of their relationship, (King-Reis, 2011).

The implications of adolescents failing to report negative social media interactions can be foreboding. Parents being unaware of adolescents experiencing harassment, cyber-stalking, and threats through social media puts them at risk of physical harm. The widespread acceptance of adolescents that their dating partners have total access to their lives at all times is causing an entire generation to normalize “boundarylessness”. This trend puts adolescents at risk for domestic violence, as for those who are inclined to become batterers, the omnipresence in a partners life provides ample opportunity to exert excessive control and begin attempting to isolate a partner. Several of the documented behaviors in the Clairborne study involved using information on social networking sites to harass or intimidate intimate partners, including spreading electronic rumors and posting embarrassing pictures of the partner. In contrast to the sense that domestic violence has been a private matter, these behaviors are public, and if they are not identified by the peer group as being inappropriate, the silence of the community can normalize this conduct, (King-Reis, 2011).

The findings of the literature reviewed lend credence to my first hypothesis. Adolescents are using social media to stay in nearly constant contact with each other. Boundaries are becoming blurred, today’s adolescent does not know how to spend time alone, but requires constant social interaction. Technological addictions develop when people become reliant on the technologies to provide psychological benefits, such as improving mood, as adolescents use social media more often to obtain pleasurable outcomes, excessive use leads to addiction, (Walsh, et al., 2008).

During a study conducted by Walsh, White, and Young, it was found that the unpleasant feelings associated with withdrawal occurred when adolescents were unable to use their social media devices. When participants were asked how they would feel if they had to give up social media for three days, the respondents indicated that they would feel extreme distress, (Walsh, et al., 2008), confirming how integrated social media usage is in the adolescent identity.

Codependent relationships are characterized by an obsessive need to control the behavior of a partner, an inability to establish and maintain boundaries, over involvement in the life of the partner, and an inability to be alone, (Beattie, 1992). Adolescent social media usage has all of the characteristics of the codependent relationship, the constant communication, the blurring of boundaries, the incessant need to share innocuous life events, and the immediate gratification of having a connection with the partner that may only be at rest when the adolescent is asleep. My first hypothesis appears to be confirmed based on the literature reviewed. Adolescents are experiencing the psychological gratification of feeling connected to their partners on a nearly uninterrupted basis. The long-term effects of social media usage may be creating a generation of codependents who will be incapable of autonomy unless society begins addressing these issues now. Combining the codependent climate of social media usage with the addictive qualities of these behaviors is laying a foundation for a generation of relationship addicts who are incapable of unplugging from their electronic worlds. Further research needs to be conducted in order to understand where this trend is taking our society, and to begin devising proactive measures to ensure social media usage does not interfere with the emergence of a psychologically and emotionally healthy adult population.

My second hypothesis appears to have been confirmed as well, as the public announcements of beginnings and endings of relationships through social networking sites has been documented as being the current adolescent norm. The “imaginary audience” of the adolescent is no longer imaginary, but a very real audience of peers, friends, and family, on social networking sites. How is this constant revelation of life developments affecting the current generation? Research needs to catch up to social media in order to understand what effects living your life virtually on a stage are having on our youth.

Additional research needs to be done on the abuse and misuse of social media. In the literature reviewed it was found that social media is used as a weapon by some adolescents. How the effects of abusing a partner through social media translate into adult behaviors and increase the risk of domestic violence is an area of much concern.

Parental awareness of adolescent social media experiences is lacking, adolescents who are having negative experiences through these channels are not receiving the support a parent can offer to learn how to cope with difficult situations. The adolescent is hiding these experiences from parents. Our youth could be experiencing emotional and psychological harm during a critical developmental stage in these areas. Further research into how this affects adolescent development and methods to increase parental awareness of social media experiences are critical to furthering healthy adolescent development.

My advice to the parent of an adolescent is to have a locked storage drawer in the house where cell phones must be placed during "downtime", as in after 10 p.m., to ensure you are aware of when your child is using the phone. It would also be wise to limit the amount of privacy afforded a teen when using their media, although you cannot see what they may be texting, monitoring the texts on occasion should be a guideline for agreeing to allow your adolescent to have a cell phone. We need to be actively aware of our children's social lives, the facts uncovered here provide more than ample evidence of the need for closer monitoring.  Remember as well, that our teens will be modeling the behavior of their parents, so check your own media usage as well, are you following these codependent patterns in your own usage?  Unplug yourself to set an example!

References

Beattie, Melody. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. San Francisco: Harper

Gershon, Illana. (2010). The breakup 2.0, disconnecting over new media. New York: Cornell University Press.

King-Ries, A. (2011). Teens, technology, and cyberstalking: The domestic violence wave of the future? Texas Journal of Women and the Law, 20, 131-164.

Subrahmanyam, K. & Greenfield, P. (2008). Online communication and adolescent relationships. The Future of Children, 18, 119-146.

Sullivan, T.N., Erwin, E. H., Helms, S.W., Masho, S.W., & Farrell, A.D. (2010). Problematic situations associated with dating experiences and relationships among urban African American Adolescents: a qualitative study. Journal of Primary Prevention, 31, 365-378. doi: 10.1007/s10935-010-0225-5

Walsh, S.P., White, K.M., & Young, R.M. (2008). Over-connected? A qualitative exploration of the relationship between australian youth and their mobile phones. Journal of Adolescence, 31, 77-92. doi: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2007.04.004

Yang, C.C. & Brown, B.B. (2013). Motives for using facebook, patterns of facebook activities, and late adolescents’ social adjustment to college. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 42, 403-416. doi: 10.1007/s10964-012-9836-x

Why do People Cheat?


Let’s start with women.

There is a misconception out there that men cheat more frequently than females.  In my personal observations I find this to be untrue.  I receive just as many calls from women who are being unfaithful to their husbands and significant others as I do from women who are involved with a man who is either married or seriously involved with another woman.

I do find that when women cheat, they are prone to cheat at a higher percentage due to dissatisfaction with the current primary relationship in hopes that the new lover will provide them with what is missing in that primary relationship.  More women than men seem to venture into cheating situations to find their next serious relationship.

Some women, a minority, cheat for the pure excitement and recreational sex, but these are women with very strong masculine energies.  They look at the extracurricular relationship as just that, and have no intentions of turning into a real relationship.

Personally, I believe that it is best (and healthiest), if you are looking for a new relationship, to end the primary relationship before becoming involved with a new lover, and this is simply to avoid the complications and obstacles that the cheating itself brings about.

When a man has a relationship with a woman outside of her marriage or primary relationship a lot of factors go into why he is doing it.  Of course, it is possible that he is falling in love and that he wants a relationship with you as much as you do with him, but, again, this is a rarity.

If the “Other Man” is single and fully unattached, he may want more with you, he may be one who wants you to end your primary relationship and launch a full-blown relationship with you.

How can you tell?

He will pressure you to leave your partner, he will ask you straight out “When are you going to end it so we can be together”.  It’s that simple.  He will also be there for you in other ways, perhaps he encourages you to move out of your home or provides financial assistance.  If you lover wants to become your number one, you will not have to ask, you will know.

If he is not exhibiting any of the aforementioned behaviors, then he is most likely enjoying the convenience of having a woman in his life without the obligation or commitment a normal relationship would require, and if you truly are looking for your next “real” relationship, stop wasting your time with this particular guy as he is not going to be there for you when and if you do exit your marriage.

What if your lover is also married?  This complicates the situation even more as you are not in a relationship triangle  you have now entered into a relationship square. 

Of all the different forms of affairs, this is the most complicated and most likely to fail in transitioning into a dedicated relationship between the two of you.

First of all, you are both cheating.  Why are you cheating?  You may be looking for an outlet for your sexuality and your personality and want nothing more, if that is the case, you know what you are doing and have no high expectations of the affair changing into something more.  However, if you are looking for more, you may be in danger of being extremely disappointed if he is not also looking to change partners.

In this case, it is very important to find out what his motivations for cheating are and what his expectations from the affair are.

Let’s look at why men cheat.

Some are also looking for their next serious relationship and are not comfortable leaving the marriage until they have secured a new partner, this is very unhealthy and reeks of codependency, however, it does happen.

Some men just succumb to the biological predisposition and their animal instincts.  They aren’t looking for a new partner, they are looking for pure recreational sex outside of their primary relationship.  They may be fun and charming, but their heart lies with their primary relationship, even if their body doesn’t.

This may be very hard for some people to comprehend or accept, but a very high risk time for these types of men (the biologically weak), is when their wife or life partner is pregnant or has just given birth.  Naturally if you are the other woman you may want to believe that he is cheating on his pregnant wife, or newly maternal girlfriend because he suspects that the child is not his, but in the majority of instances, this is not the case.  Sexual experience outside of the primary relationship in this instance is usually due to the male having a Madonna/Whore complex OR because the wife or girlfriend is incapable of having sexual relations due to the trauma of having just given birth or the discomfort of a late-term pregnancy.  If the man you are cheating with falls into this category, you are probably having an affair that is purely sexual in nature.

How can you tell if your affair is “just sex”?

The time you spend together is limited to sexual activity.  The primary goal being sexual gratification, no dating, no dancing and dining, just hooking up for the physical release and nothing more, is a dead give-away.

Some men cheat because they actually fall in love with another woman.

They didn’t plan it.  It just happened.

There was something innately missing in their primary relationship and the other woman comes along and possesses the spirit and personality required to evoke feelings of love and attraction within the man that may no longer exist with his wife or significant other.

Sometimes the man does not even realize that his marriage is lacking until he meets this other woman.

How do you know if this is the case with your affair?

Absent the fact that he is married or committed elsewhere, your relationship is caring and passionate.  He is attentive to you and your needs, he makes time with you, and he spends time with you doing a lot of things besides the horizontal bop.  He will tell you straight out that he is going to leave his marriage and he will tell you when, but the most important thing is that when the time comes HE DOES IT.

Affairs of the heart are complex and complicated, much more so than affairs of the body alone.  When the heart is involved, the intensity is there, the sharing is there and the man and the woman are both there.

It is a myth that all loves that begin while one partner or another or both are committed elsewhere are doomed to failure.  There is no blanket formula for love affairs that begin with cheating.  If it were true, when some say that “men never marry the woman they cheated with their first wife on”, there would be very few second marriages indeed.

I look at it this way.  Back in the olden days, when people truly expected to be married for life, people married very young but their life expectancy was much shorter than what it is today.

It is also a fact that as technology provides the human race with more and more leisure time and less time required to focus on utter survival, we have more time to examine relationships, to choose to renew or end or begin again.  People grow at different paces.

If two people marry in their late twenties, will those two people grow at the same pace and in the same direction?   Sometimes yes, sometimes no, we are not the same person at forty-five that we were at twenty-five or thirty-five, and neither are our spouses and lovers.  The person we loved ten years ago may have evolved (or failed to evolve) into someone we no longer want for a life mate, and so we move on.

Of course, it is always best to begin a relationship one-on-one, but there are times when this just doesn’t happen.  We can’t judge a book by its’ cover, nor can we project that a relationship is doomed to failure because of a less-than-perfect beginning.  In the same vein, we can’t project that a relationship will last because of love and passion, that goes for first marriages and relationships just as much as it does for subsequent ones.

Why do people cheat?

The list is endless.  This is just the tip of the iceberg and the most frequent causes that I have seen in my personal and professional experience.


Copyright © 2007

Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.


 Other Subjects Included in "The Dating Game"

Cheating and Affairs

The Relationship Limbo

The Geometry of Relationships

Masculine and Feminine Energy

Codependence, Independence and Interdependence

He Left His Wife.  Now What?

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The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



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