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He Left His Wife!  Now What?

by Brigid Bishop

Ok, you had been in the midst of a fairly serious affair with this married man. You survived all of the mayhem as discussed in my blog Cheating and Affairs  and now you think you’re troubles are over.

Stop.

This is not the end of your problems, it is just a new set of challenges.

There are two ways that this situation can go.  Let’s explore both of them.

Scenario One

The married man you love has left his wife and your relationship is still “iffy”.

Scenario Two

The married man you love has left his wife and he is making definitive plans for a future with you.

In Scenario One you may be dealing with a man who has spent years in an unwanted marriage, and although the time you had together may have had it’s good points, and you may have thought that he loved you, he may feel that he has been living his life in a very restrictive manner and the divorce now gives him the freedom to live as truly single again.

Your relationship with him may start to suffer.  He may blame you for his divorce, pick fights for no reason, cheat on you, or outright leave you.

Some men, when they divorce, get a feeling of “out of the frying pan and into the fire” and they will never commit to the woman that they were with when they left their marriage.  This happens in about 50% of the cases I have worked with when the man does exit his marital commitment.

Many times the catalyst to the breakup of the affair in question is the pressure that the woman who has been waiting for years applies to the man to progress the relationship.  The woman may feel that she has spent more than enough time waiting for this to be real, and now that he is “free”, he should immediately commit to her.

The man in question, as stated, may need a period of time to spread his wings, sow his wild oats again, and you, the woman in waiting, may find that not only is your waiting not over, but the relationship itself may be falling to pieces just when you thought your dreams were coming true.

In some cases, this stage, or breakup, may only be temporary, however, more often than not, this is when the affair loses its’ appeal and things start riding the highway to hell.

Scenario Two

Your married man left his wife with the explicit intention of building a life with you, and he has made that very clear to you.

Good for you.  Now, perhaps, you believe that you can really start your relationship for real and that you can have a fresh start.

Although this scenario, rare as it is, can initially be a very happy one for the two of you as a couple, you’re not out of the woods yet.

First of all, there may well be a very difficult (and expensive) divorce proceeding for your married man to contend with.  Child custody battles, drawn out settlement negotiations are common.  Divorces of this type are usually much more vindictive than any other type of divorce because of the involvement of the third party (you), no one likes to be cheated on, and your married man’s soon to be ex may be trying to hurt him in any way(s) she can to punish him for cheating. 

Even worse, the soon-to-be ex-wife is even more hurt and angry because if she is aware that he intends to build a future with you, he has moved on very quickly and that stings.  No one likes to be replaced,  especially before they are “gone”.  So be prepared for a nasty divorce battle.

Now, there is his family to contend with.  Do you actually believe that his children and his parents are going to welcome you with open arms?  To be realistic, the children may very well hate you for the rest of their lives for disrupting their home life.  Even if it wasn’t happy, and the parents were fighting a lot, it was the “norm” and their dad was a part of their day-to-day living, and now you “took him away”.  They are likely to resent you big time.  If the ex-wife is particularly vindictive, she will poison the children in many ways against you and probably against him too.  This does not make for a happy foundation for a blended family.

Finances may be difficult for a long time to come when the divorce is over.  He will likely have child support and possibly alimony as well, so you will have to continue to contribute to the financial stability of your pairing, more so than if this situation did not exist.  Be aware that you may begin to resent the additional financial burdens that the ex-wife and children present, the younger the children, the longer you are restricted.

He may still be required to live a separate life when it comes to his children.  To keep peace he may have to keep his relationship with his children separate from you, it happens very often, so keep your fantasies of a happy blended family to a minimum.

His parents may or may not accept you, it will depend upon your individual circumstances, so again, you may feel like you are still an outsider.

You will also need to be concerned about joint assets.  Suppose he moves into the home you already own and you marry.  Be sure you have a will defining how your assets will be distributed.  What if you have children as well, if you die first and do not define who the house goes to in your will, your now-husband will inherit it automatically, and then when he passes on who gets it?  Your kids?  His kids?  You must look at the situation realistically to protect yourself as well as any children you have on your own.

As time goes on, the situation may improve, children grow up, exes move on, people adapt, but be aware that these are just a few of the challenges you may face when you enter into this volatile situation.

People fall in and out of love all of the time.  Your situation is not unusual to say the least, but it is more challenging in the obstacles and pressures that come your way due to the way that it began.  Keep that in mind.



Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.


On The Outside Looking In

Brigid Bishop Relationship Coach

 

 

Have You Read Brigid Bishop's Classic Blogs?

 

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

The Bridal Bouquet

(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

 

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

On The Outside Looking In 

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

 

 

 



HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.

Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



Many of you who have been my clients and have been struggling with relationship issues have had me use this philosophical relationship theory with you either on our call, or through email.

Sometimes we are in relationships that never really seem to take off, they can go on for months, sometimes even years, and we just can't find a way to get them to fully manifest into a happy state of "couple-hood".

Here is an analogy that may help you to understand why.  Everyone has relationship "ladders", even you, controlling just how far we allow someone into our lives.

It's like a series of ladders below you.  Perhaps you had your ex on a ladder that reached all the way up to being your full time partner, maybe even your husband or wife, things changed, you kicked that ladder away. 

You have many friends on ladders that approach you, but their ladders are only so high.  You only allow them so much visibility into your life, and there are some friends that you may allow more insight than others.  You have guys/girls that you "like" on ladders, but they only go so high.  You allowed this "non-manifesting love" a fully extendable (and retractable) ladder to use as they wish, and they may be raising and lowering that ladder as they see fit, and will continue to do so, until you kick that ladder away as well.

The object of your affections has ladders too.  Maybe they have people in their life that are on a ladder that's just a little higher than yours is.  They are visible to his/her friends and share his/her public appearance, maybe they do not allow your ladder to reach that high, it stays somewhat under the horizon.  This happens frequently when you are involved with someone who is either married, or has a significant other already.  

Sometimes, people have these shorter ladders, to "keep their options open", all the while having an empty, longer ladder available for someone to climb upon who they think might be a "better" match for them.  This is when people get stuck on short ladders, when they don't correctly read and recognize the signs that the relationship they are pursuing has little long-term potential, meaning little chance of developing into a committed, exclusive relationship.

The person that let you get on that short ladder probably likes you, finds you attractive and appealing in some ways, but at the same time, there is just something "missing" that makes them not want to fully extend your ladder up into the middle of their life.  Many people are not aware that an individual has a taller, empty ladder, waiting for someone who is just a little bit better of a match, because they may well be having a sexual affair with them and assuming that the ladder will extend at some point due to the passion between them.

Frequently people mistake sex for intimacy.  Sex is not an "intimate" act.  Sex is a physical and biological act, nothing more.  Just because you have "great sex" with a person does not mean that you are going to enter into a relationship (get on the tall ladder).  People are capable of having "great sex" with multiple partners.  (Don't get me wrong, good sex is a powerful bonding agent between two people, but if the hot sex is not holding you together like glue, something is missing, it's just good sex.)

Intimacy is quite different.  Intimacy is spending quiet time alone with each other, sharing thoughts, emotions, future plans, and abstract aspects of your lives.  Intimacy is also carrying out plans together, spending time in public together validating your private connection, not just having a conversation over text or chat or phone at 2 o'clock in the morning.  That's not intimacy, that's staving off fear and loneliness.

Someone can tell you their deepest and darkest secrets over the phone in the wee hours of the morning, but that is not intimacy, or developing "closeness".  Although you may "feel" these types of interactions bring you closer, this is just surrogacy to true intimacy.  If a person is truly intimate with you, they will be by your side, or face to face, telling you these things about themselves, likely after an enjoyable evening out together, not after they just got home from an evening out without you.

You can find a better, higher, sturdier, more visible ladder elsewhere.

You really can't compare yourself to other partners he/she chooses to date or spend time with, because each relationship (ladder) any person has, is unique to that pairing. 

Is the person you are interested in keeping you on that lower ladder while simultaneously having an empty, higher ladder waiting for someone to climb up it?  They may have had a significant ex that was on it for a long time, then he or she jumped off.  Now perhaps they are letting other people climb up that higher ladder, at least part way, whether he or she makes it to the top or not, time will tell, but it's not the same ladder they let you use.  Your ladder is shorter to begin with.

Sometimes people who knowingly give you a short ladder will keep you perched at the top of it indefinitely, showing you affection sporadically, when they sense you getting ready to jump off the ladder they call or text you and tell you what they think you want to hear.  They have, by not being constant in their communication, created a sense of anxiety within you that has you joyfully grabbing up these crumbs of attention as if they were a full seven course meal. This is just another set of bait to keep you nibbling and stretching out to reach them from that little step ladder they have you on.

If they really are the type that take awhile to make up their mind about relationships, if you climb down off that ladder, they will put their own ladder up to reach you and you will know they truly care.  Anything less than that is just giving you a small extension for your ladder, always just a little bit too short to stand fully by their side.

These relationships are frequently the "friends with benefits" type, or the "long distance" type, where you never really meet the person, you just keep climbing up and down ladders.

If your legs (and your heart) are tired, it's time to get off the ladder and go sit up in your own crows nest and see who starts building a ladder to sit next to you!

Copyright © 2012 by Brigid Bishop



When You Fall In Love With a Married Man

It isn't ever planned or well thought out, but women can and do fall in love with married men on a fairly regular basis. It is by no means an easy situation, and like it or not, someone is going to get hurt, that's just par for the course.

Do women go out with the intent to find themselves a married person to fall in love with? Of course not. Attraction, destiny, soul mate connections, current life circumstances, physical attraction, discontent with current relationship, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

Being the other woman requires you to take a step back and take a cold, hard, analytical look at the realities of your situation. There will be serious limitations and you should consider them thoroughly before embarking on an affair or continuing your affair with a married man.

It is entirely possible that someday he may leave his wife, however, you live in the present, not the future, and you have no guarantees that his marriage will end.

What you can expect when engaged in this type of relationships are a lot of spontaneous changes in your ability to see each other. Expect last minute rendezvous at the drop of a hat, but also expect that even your best laid plans are subject to last minute cancellations.

Expect to be spending all major holidays alone. He will be in the company of his family, which does include his wife and not with you. Unless you are well socialized, you can expect to be very lonely during these times.

You will need to keep your relationship discreet. You will be unable to share details of your relationship with friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. This can begin to have an isolating effect on you. You will never get to know his parents, his siblings, his children or his circle of friends unless he gets a divorce in the future, which again, is not where you are now. That part of his life will be compartmentalized away from you, where it is entirely possible that he is fully integrated into your life, creating a major imbalance.

You will truly be living in the shadow of his life.

The married male who is seeking companionship outside of his primary relationship, (his marriage), may be a male who has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife. It is possible that he does project himself into a divorce, however, he may have reasons that lead him to believe that the timing of a divorce is just not right for him at present.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship to you really want?

Has he ever stated to you that he is getting divorced? How much time are you willing to invest in waiting to see if he will end his marriage and move forward into a relationship with you? You need to be realistic, these situations can and do drag on for years. Set a time limit in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait on the sidelines keeping your own life on hold and stick to it.

Do you want a relationship that you don't have to hide? Do you want to be able to go out in public together without fear of discovery? Do you want to be able to introduce your partner to your friends and family and spend holidays and special occasions together? If these are things necessary to your happiness, you must take them into account when deciding whether to continue your affair or not.

Are you realistic in your expectations of how his current wife and any children he may have would react were your affair to be discovered? It is highly likely to be very unpleasant.

If you feel that you just cannot let go of your married partner and are willing to suffer through this uncomfortable situation, there are ways for you to cope.

Try to regain some balance in this totally unbalanced situation. Don't be ready to see him each and every time he can slip away because he suddenly is available unexpectedly. Although you may be tempted to take advantage of sharing that special, limited time with him, you will not allow this to occur as it shows him that he is your number one priority, although you are not his primary concern.

Never forget that these types of relationship contain high levels of romance and drama just by their very nature, whether real or imagined, this is so. Grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual in these affairs. Why? Because he well knows that you are in a precarious position by being involved in him and he has to make it seem worth your while. Don't take everything he says at face value. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. There is no way for him to maintain two honest and open relationships in this situation (unless he is part of an open marriage agreement, which is rare). If he is lying to his spouse, do not think for even one second that he is not lying to you as well.

The biggest and most common lie that married men who cheat utilize is that they no longer are sexually active with their wives. Many will even claim to have separate sleeping quarters, Don't believe that lie even for one fleeting second. If he is still married to her and they are still living under the same roof and she has no idea that your relationship exists, he is still sleeping in the same bed with her.

With that in mind, the biggest mistake a woman in this position makes is being exclusive to the married male in question. Until he files for divorce, a woman in this predicament would be wise to continue to date single and available men concurrently. The best remedy is to walk away from the married man and tell him to look you up after his divorce, but if you simply can't, don't limit yourself to being his woman on the side, continue to investigate other relationship options. If you can't bring yourself to do so, you are going to be very lonely at times.

Exercise caution in sharing information about your affair. People love scandal and gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Many, even close friends, will judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be extremely cautious about whom you discuss your situation with.

Set a definitive time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to spend decades as the other woman, as Katherine Hepburn did, only to have the married man you love die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on in your affair.

If he does not give you an explicit time frame, you should leave him, this indicates he truly has no intention of divorcing.

If he informs you that he is waiting for his children to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If you were to continue your involvement with him throughout their primary, middle school and high school education, what motivation would he have to leave his marriage if you were still with him?

In all of this, you must also ponder how he speaks of his current wife.

Are his references to her respectful and honest and definitive of why he no longer feels he wants to be married to her? If this is the case, he respects women and is probably being honest about how the marriage went wrong.

If, on the other hand, he runs her down and blames the failure of the marriage solely on her you need to be extremely careful. This may make you temporarily feel secure because it convinces you that he is no longer in love with his wife, but, consider that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like to hear him speak of you in that manner?

Remember, these relationships are full of drama and deception, he has to keep you feeling like your stifled relationship is worth it, and he will lie to do so.

It is a volatile and potentially painful situation you are in. You could very likely have your heart broken. He may stay married permanently. It does happen. Remember Katherine Hepburn. You could potentially spend years in the shadows of his life loving him and hoping for change only to find, in the end, all of your love was in vain.

It is best to avoid the situation altogether if possible, but if you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone. There are situations like these that do work out, contrary to popular conjecture, each situation is unique, but you must assess the emotional risks you are undertaking and be realistic about them if at all possible.

Are You Being Lied To?

There are many ways to tell if someone is being dishonest with you and I am going to give you just a few tips that should help you separate out fact from fiction.

Eye Contact

There are two distinct traits used by someone who is trying to deceive you when it comes to maintaining eye contact. One is to avert the eyes away from yours, perhaps they focus on your mouth when they speak rather than your eyes, or they drop their eyes to the left or the right, this is a signal that they are not confident in their ploy and that they may be afraid of discovery.

The second trait is entirely the opposite, they go out of their way to maintain eye contact, the eyes are opened up just a little bit too wide, and they don’t blink. This is a tactic used by one who is used to being believed when being deceitful and they are the “more practice” liars among us. They believe the old adage that people do not look each other in the eye when being deceitful so they go out of their way to maintain the contact, because they are concentrating so hard on keeping the eye contact with you, they forget to blink!

Too Many Details

Everyone has events happen that may delay them or keep them away from time to time, but a classic tactic of the liar is to fill in so many details that you will be astounded by the richness of their story, after all, who would take the time to fabricate the color of the shirt their buddy was wearing and how he had a mustard stain on it???? It’s fabricating an alibi……….the more details, the more believable, so why would you double check? Usually these “details” are fragments based on fact, but if you get a six paragraph, detailed explanation of an event, something is up, (or covered up).

Outrageous Stories

Prevaricators tend to hold to the premise that the more details, or the more outrageous the story, the more likely it is to be true! After all, if a loose alligator in the state of Ohio showed up on their lawn, then traveled around the property snapping phone and power lines with its’ mighty jaws, and then coming to rest on the front porch blocking the only exit route, how on earth could they have called you when they said they would? They were trapped in their own home for God’s sake!!! Didn’t you see it on the local news??

Righteous Silence

OOOOOOH, this one is hard to spot, you must be very careful just in case it is a “righteous silence”, typically this is used early on in a relationship before any lies have been “caught”. When you question your subject, they take the stance of “I’m not even going to qualify that with a response”. Righteous silence lies are very difficult to root out, as, perhaps the subject truly was honest, but if the hints above preceded the righteous silence, well, then, you know that it is an act to manipulate you into believing their story. You usually find out that righteous silence lies were fabricated long after the lie is told because of the high risk of negative confrontation if the subject is actually being truthful. Keep your eyes open for this behavior, if it happens every single time you have an innocent question, the person who is being this self-defensive could well be telling you fibs.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.  This is an excerpt from "The Dating Game:  Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" available at fine bookstores everywhere and also on Kindle!
Wondering if the gentleman that you are interested in developing a relationship with is sincere about wanting to get to know you?  Is he just interested in you in a "casual" way?  There are several key indicators of what a man's intentions are toward you that are easy enough to spot.

Understanding the short-term and long-term relationship strategies that men implement is an easy way to know whether your new interest is "worth the wait".  Applying this knowledge to your personal relationships is not a difficult task, it just takes a little critical thinking.

First of all, you have to understand what attracts men.  Looks.  Yes, men are shallow beings.  Attractiveness is measured psychologically by a person's symmetry.  If you are a pleasant looking individual, who has a face that is well-balanced, clear skin, and a decent appearance to your hair, you are probably considered reasonably attractive.  Body shape needs to lend itself to a "fertile" appearance.  A well-defined waist line, not anorexic, but a slimmer waist, with hips a bit broader, and a defined bosom are considered signs of fertility.  Well proportioned, balanced, symmetry again.

If a man is interested in a long-term relationship, he will pursue a woman who has symmetry, appears "fertile" (even if beyond child-bearing years), and has a relatively healthy appearance. 

If a man is only looking for short-term connection (casual sex), he will not really put a high value on the female's appearance, as he does not value her as a potential permanent partner.  So check out the quantity and quality of his short-term partners if you can.

Age does matter.  Men are drawn to fertility (yes, even if you are beyond child-bearing years).  Rarely does a younger male seek the companionship of a significantly older female.  Generally males pursue females who are an average of 3 to 5 years younger than themselves for long-term relationship formation, although this is the average, the older a male becomes, the larger the age gap.  If you are older than him, the odds that he is looking to you to form a long-term relationship go down, exponentially with each year that you are elder to him.  If you are 5 or more years older than him, unless you are extremely wealthy, or have some other type of material security to offer him, he is just looking for a casual, short-term experience with you.

Cougars are a myth.  They exist only in Hollywood and on TV shows, and remember, a real cougar is only using the younger man for HER pleasure, not building a "relationship".  So be realistic.  You may have a fun time with "Mr. I am 8 Years Older than Him", but that's all it is likely to become, don't expect a lot.  There are exceptions to every rule, but you would save yourself a lot of heartache if you learned to realize these relationships seldom develop and behave accordingly.

So, men are looking for symmetry, youth, and fertility for long-term relationship building.  What are they looking for in the short-term?  Anything goes.  In the short-term, men are unconcerned with symmetry, they may only be with you one time.  They have no concern about your age, you can be a suitable sexual partner regardless of being his senior, and perhaps an enjoyable one at that, until he finds someone he has a more committed interest in.  Body shape?  Short-term, men are usually unconcerned with whether you are too thin, too heavy, or perfectly symmetrical, they have no intention of sticking around once they have had enough pleasure from you.

A key indicator is also how your appearance matches up to his.  Tens attract tens, nines attract nines, and fives attract fives.  If you have a realistic self-awareness of your attractiveness level, and you believe yourself to be a six, and a gentlemen who is a nine begins showing an interest in you, be careful...he is probably only looking for a short-term connection (unless he views you as a 9 or 10).  Saying "you're hot" to you does not mean that he believes you are superior in attractiveness, it just means that he wouldn't kick you out of bed, not until he was done, anyhow. 

So, if you are looking for a long-term partner, keep in mind that he should be someone who is similar to you in level of attractiveness, age appropriate (+/- 5 Years is a stretch, usually plus 3 to 5 (or more if you are older), and -3 for the reach toward the youthful men), and shows a consistent interest in you.

What do I mean by consistent?

Regular, intentional interest and communication initiated by him, toward you.  If he only approaches you at the bar, at midnight, on Friday night, and you don't hear from him all week, that's not consistent.  If he likes your facebook posts, but never calls you to chat or asks you out, that's not consistency.  If you only see him at a class you both happen to enjoy, that is not consistent.  Direct and personal contact indicates interest.

Don't invest your time, or your heart, until he has built consistency.

Evolutionary Psychology teaches us these facts, and these facts are scientifically valid.  Evolutionary Psychology also states that men will wait to become physically intimate with a mate that they perceive as having long-term potential, but with short-term partners, they will want physical intimacy quickly, and very quickly find another short-term, once they are satisfied.

So, pay attention to the "Science" in love.  Take your time, let the male pursue, and do not become intimate until you feel he has a vested interest in you.

 

Adolescent Media Usage and (Romantic) Relationships

Social Media, defined as cell phone usage, text messaging, and social networking sites such as facebook, have made our culture one in which we have immediate access to communicating with each other on a 24/7 basis. During adolescence, dating occurs while youth are experimenting and learning how to balance needs for autonomy with relatedness, (Sullivan, Erwin, Helms, Masho, & Farrell, 2012), social media allows for interconnection at a level that is unprecedented in any culture to date.

In generations past, the adolescent had to delay the gratification of communicating with friends and romantic partners. In the past, it was usual and customary to refrain from calling a friends’ home after ten p.m., to speak with an adolescent cohort. Parents had some control over limiting communication, and were frequently within earshot of conversations, allowing for an awareness of what was occurring in an adolescent’s social life. It was often necessary to first engage with the friends’ parent and ask to speak with said friend.

In today’s world, the majority of adolescents have a direct line of communication through a personal cell phone. This allows direct communication without parental knowledge or supervision. Frequently there are no time limits or boundaries as to length of call, and the adolescent has the luxury of privacy during a phone call, as they can easily move out of earshot of the parent.

Text messaging allows for discreet immediate communication around the clock, even when the adolescent is seemingly focused on other tasks, such as schoolwork, a part-time job, or spending time with the parent and family.

Social networking sites provide access not only to communications, but also to immediate knowledge of what a friend or romantic partner is currently doing, where they are, and whom they are with.

I hypothesize that social media will have made access to partners a source of immediate gratification for adolescents, removing the need for them to develop a sense of delaying the gratification of contacting friends and romantic partners, perhaps limiting the autonomy of today’s youth. My second hypothesis is that due to the public availability of social networking sites, adolescent relationships are now a very public and communal experience, where in prior generations, interpersonal relationships at this stage of development afforded more privacy, and slower revelations of developments in those relationships.

Technology is becoming an extension of the self. There is currently no consensus on social etiquette in the use of social media. Variances in media ideologies, beliefs about media use, and structures of communication, vary from person to person, (Gershon, 2010).

Incorporating technology into the adolescent intimate relationship is the norm. Cell phone use increases social inclusion and connectedness, two psychological benefits, (Walsh, White, & Young, 2007). Facebook interactions have been associated positively with adolescents’ friendship quality and feelings of comradery. Two frequently reported reasons for using Facebook are seeking new relationships, and nurturing and maintaining existing relationships, (Yang & Brown, 2012). Teenagers use technology to initiate relationships, from flirtatious messages to nude texts, (King-Reis, 2011). Teens address the need for a romantic partner more freely and frequently in a virtual environment than they do in the “real” world. Females are more likely to initiate romantic connections on social networking sites, engaging in flirtatious behaviors with interested parties online, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008).

Adolescents have a stronger interest in using Facebook to maintain relationships, than to initiate new ones. Those who reported pursuit of new relationships as a primary cause for Facebook use reported a higher level of loneliness than those who were motivated to use the social networking site for relationship maintenance, (Yang & Brown, 2012). In the 2001 Pew Survey, only 17% of adolescents reported using instant messaging to ask someone out, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008). Initiating relationships through Facebook is not currently the adolescent norm, it is used to screen people they have met in real life as prospective dates, (Subrahmanyam & Greenfield, 2008). It appears that social media use of adolescents does not include beginning a romantic relationship as a primary function, but rather, maintaining these relationships, once they are established is primary.

Once a romantic relationship begins, Facebook can play an integral role in establishing it amongst the peer group. Adolescents use the “Relationship Status” feature when their romance goes public, the adolescent changes their status from “Single” to “In a Relationship”, they must enter the name of the person they are in this relationship with, and then that person must acknowledge the romantic entanglement. This makes adolescent relationships public knowledge to their network of friends at the click of a button, where in bygone generations, relationships gradually became public knowledge over time, as an adolescent couple was observed by their peer group. Today, this public changing of relationship status has assumed the social equivalent of “going steady”, which in years past may have been marked by an adolescent male giving his girlfriend his class ring to wear, (Gershon, 2010).

Teenagers use technology to remain in constant connectivity with their partners. In a study conducted by King-Reis, from after school until 10 p.m. 50% of teens reported calling or texting their partners, nearly 40% reported that they were in cell phone or text contact with their partners ten to thirty times per hour. Nearly 25% of teens reported contact between the hours of midnight and 5:00 a.m., with one in six admitting to a frequency of ten to thirty times an hour during this timeframe. Texting is the most frequent form of adolescent social media usage (King-Reis, 2011).

Free access to each other not only increases interrelatedness in youth, but also increases the opportunity for conflict to arise. Cell phones can be used for fighting through calls and texts. The constant availability to communicate with each other prevents the adolescent from having a cooling off period, limits their ability to step away from a situation, a teen will likely desire the immediate gratification of resolving the conflict in the “now”. Jealous partners use cell phones to monitor calls and texts to determine the extent and nature of communications with rivals (Sullivan, et al., 2010). One study found that 17% of teenagers reported that their partners made them afraid to be unresponsive or slow to respond to calls, emails, and texts out of fear of what their partner might do, (King-Reis, 2011).

“Fidelity management”, characterized by ongoing monitoring of dating partners’ activities and interactions with others through social media, is a key area of conflict in adolescent dating relationships (Sullivan, et al., 2010). The ability to be omnipresent in each others’ lives feeds feelings of jealousy and insecurity. In generations past, when a young couple was apart, it could well be “out of sight, out of mind” until the couple was in contact again. In present culture, there is very little ability for time spent truly apart, as at the flip of a switch or touch of a button, the adolescent can see exactly what their partner is doing, and whom they are doing it with. The AP/MTV study found that 25% of teenagers reported that their intimate partners have checked the text messages on their phone without permission, and 10% reported that their partners demand their electronic passwords, (King-Reis, 2011).

Breaking up is a painful process for the adolescent to go through, the media used to execute the break up shapes the ending of a relationship. In a study performed by Dr. Illana Gershon, adolescent research participants viewed text as the most casual form of communication and inappropriate for severing a relationship. These participants stated that email was a more formal form of communication, and compared it to receiving a letter in the U.S. Mail. Older participants felt that it was only appropriate to end a relationship in person. Abruptly ending a relationship in public on facebook by deleting a relationship status was the most painful and embarrassing breakup reported by participants, (Gershon, 2010).

Social media usage presents even more challenges and potential for embarrassment when a relationship ends. When adolescents break up, they generally change their Facebook relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “Single”. This status change appears immediately in Facebook newsfeeds and in the partners’ status updates. In years past, when an adolescent couple broke up, they generally shared it gradually with close friends, and peers acknowledged the breakup gradually through observations. Relationships ending in the public arena of Facebook are a significant portion of research by Dr. Gershon. She wrote of multiple examples of how couples managed making the dissolution public. Endings ranged from joint decisions to notify close friends and family first, to abrupt endings by one partner with no forewarning that completely severed all contact permanently, (Gershon, 2010).

All participants stated that they felt pain and discomfort to a greater degree due to how the breakup occurred rather than why it occurred. The less opportunity a former partner had for a question and answer exchange when the romantic partner communicated the intention to end the relationship, the more distress they reported, (Gershon, 2010).

Text message breakups were the most frustrating, according to Dr. Gershon, because there was no way to ascertain when a response to a termination was received, and allowed no inquiry. Breakup by instant message allowed for immediate interaction. Respondents stated immediate response capability equates to face-to-face communication, (Gershon, 2010).

Cell phone and internet usage can be used to harass past partners, the ability to block one’s number allows for anonymity, and youth may at times use these technologies to repeatedly call a former partner and hang up to simply annoy them. In some cases adolescents have reported turning off their phone or changing their number to avoid unwanted contact (Sullivan, et al., 2010).

The Clairborne study documented that adolescents do not typically share information about their technology interactions with partners with their parents. Seventy-two percent did not inform parents that their partners were actively engaging in fidelity management, 77% did not disclose that they were afraid to be unresponsive to media messages, and 78% did not report when a partner harassed or embarrassed them through social media, (King-Reis, 2011).

Reasons given for failure to inform parents included believing it was not a serious concern, fear of losing social media access should the parent find out about the negative activities, and fear that parents would forbid continuation of their relationship, (King-Reis, 2011).

The implications of adolescents failing to report negative social media interactions can be foreboding. Parents being unaware of adolescents experiencing harassment, cyber-stalking, and threats through social media puts them at risk of physical harm. The widespread acceptance of adolescents that their dating partners have total access to their lives at all times is causing an entire generation to normalize “boundarylessness”. This trend puts adolescents at risk for domestic violence, as for those who are inclined to become batterers, the omnipresence in a partners life provides ample opportunity to exert excessive control and begin attempting to isolate a partner. Several of the documented behaviors in the Clairborne study involved using information on social networking sites to harass or intimidate intimate partners, including spreading electronic rumors and posting embarrassing pictures of the partner. In contrast to the sense that domestic violence has been a private matter, these behaviors are public, and if they are not identified by the peer group as being inappropriate, the silence of the community can normalize this conduct, (King-Reis, 2011).

The findings of the literature reviewed lend credence to my first hypothesis. Adolescents are using social media to stay in nearly constant contact with each other. Boundaries are becoming blurred, today’s adolescent does not know how to spend time alone, but requires constant social interaction. Technological addictions develop when people become reliant on the technologies to provide psychological benefits, such as improving mood, as adolescents use social media more often to obtain pleasurable outcomes, excessive use leads to addiction, (Walsh, et al., 2008).

During a study conducted by Walsh, White, and Young, it was found that the unpleasant feelings associated with withdrawal occurred when adolescents were unable to use their social media devices. When participants were asked how they would feel if they had to give up social media for three days, the respondents indicated that they would feel extreme distress, (Walsh, et al., 2008), confirming how integrated social media usage is in the adolescent identity.

Codependent relationships are characterized by an obsessive need to control the behavior of a partner, an inability to establish and maintain boundaries, over involvement in the life of the partner, and an inability to be alone, (Beattie, 1992). Adolescent social media usage has all of the characteristics of the codependent relationship, the constant communication, the blurring of boundaries, the incessant need to share innocuous life events, and the immediate gratification of having a connection with the partner that may only be at rest when the adolescent is asleep. My first hypothesis appears to be confirmed based on the literature reviewed. Adolescents are experiencing the psychological gratification of feeling connected to their partners on a nearly uninterrupted basis. The long-term effects of social media usage may be creating a generation of codependents who will be incapable of autonomy unless society begins addressing these issues now. Combining the codependent climate of social media usage with the addictive qualities of these behaviors is laying a foundation for a generation of relationship addicts who are incapable of unplugging from their electronic worlds. Further research needs to be conducted in order to understand where this trend is taking our society, and to begin devising proactive measures to ensure social media usage does not interfere with the emergence of a psychologically and emotionally healthy adult population.

My second hypothesis appears to have been confirmed as well, as the public announcements of beginnings and endings of relationships through social networking sites has been documented as being the current adolescent norm. The “imaginary audience” of the adolescent is no longer imaginary, but a very real audience of peers, friends, and family, on social networking sites. How is this constant revelation of life developments affecting the current generation? Research needs to catch up to social media in order to understand what effects living your life virtually on a stage are having on our youth.

Additional research needs to be done on the abuse and misuse of social media. In the literature reviewed it was found that social media is used as a weapon by some adolescents. How the effects of abusing a partner through social media translate into adult behaviors and increase the risk of domestic violence is an area of much concern.

Parental awareness of adolescent social media experiences is lacking, adolescents who are having negative experiences through these channels are not receiving the support a parent can offer to learn how to cope with difficult situations. The adolescent is hiding these experiences from parents. Our youth could be experiencing emotional and psychological harm during a critical developmental stage in these areas. Further research into how this affects adolescent development and methods to increase parental awareness of social media experiences are critical to furthering healthy adolescent development.

My advice to the parent of an adolescent is to have a locked storage drawer in the house where cell phones must be placed during "downtime", as in after 10 p.m., to ensure you are aware of when your child is using the phone. It would also be wise to limit the amount of privacy afforded a teen when using their media, although you cannot see what they may be texting, monitoring the texts on occasion should be a guideline for agreeing to allow your adolescent to have a cell phone. We need to be actively aware of our children's social lives, the facts uncovered here provide more than ample evidence of the need for closer monitoring.  Remember as well, that our teens will be modeling the behavior of their parents, so check your own media usage as well, are you following these codependent patterns in your own usage?  Unplug yourself to set an example!

References

Beattie, Melody. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. San Francisco: Harper

Gershon, Illana. (2010). The breakup 2.0, disconnecting over new media. New York: Cornell University Press.

King-Ries, A. (2011). Teens, technology, and cyberstalking: The domestic violence wave of the future? Texas Journal of Women and the Law, 20, 131-164.

Subrahmanyam, K. & Greenfield, P. (2008). Online communication and adolescent relationships. The Future of Children, 18, 119-146.

Sullivan, T.N., Erwin, E. H., Helms, S.W., Masho, S.W., & Farrell, A.D. (2010). Problematic situations associated with dating experiences and relationships among urban African American Adolescents: a qualitative study. Journal of Primary Prevention, 31, 365-378. doi: 10.1007/s10935-010-0225-5

Walsh, S.P., White, K.M., & Young, R.M. (2008). Over-connected? A qualitative exploration of the relationship between australian youth and their mobile phones. Journal of Adolescence, 31, 77-92. doi: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2007.04.004

Yang, C.C. & Brown, B.B. (2013). Motives for using facebook, patterns of facebook activities, and late adolescents’ social adjustment to college. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 42, 403-416. doi: 10.1007/s10964-012-9836-x

Can God and Darwinism Coexist?

by Brigid Bishop 


Yes, I believe that they can and do.

When I think of the Bible Story of Adam and Eve and the garden of Eden and how they "ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge", I look at that as a metaphor for consciousness evolving in the earliest primates to be called "human".

I believe that The Bible is a book written by men in order to explain where we came from.

When man evolved from the apes, he became self-aware, as it is written in the Bible, when Adam and Eve realized that they were naked, they became human. To me, this constitutes a separation and evolution from the animal state into the human state. The ability to think, to imagine, to emote, are all human characteristics to me and they are maximized in the ability to speak and communicate and exchange ideas with others, (eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge).

Yes, God created man, however, I do not believe that he just manifested man from blowing spirit into swirling dust, I believe that God began by creating the earth and as life developed and evolved over the thousands and thousands of years of the early planet, man evolved as the ape learned and grew and adapted to the environment created by God, so yes, I believe that Darwinism and God coexist, and it makes sense to me.

God evicting Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, so to speak, is another metaphor to me that says "now that you have consciousness you must think for yourself and not function on instinct alone", and this is when we became human beings. While in The Garden of Eden we did not have to work or toil or think or dream, we were like the cherished pets of God. Childlike in nature as we were innocent, we could not discern right from wrong. With the ability to make judgments we lost our innocence, and that original sin is what made us break free of the animal kingdom and become mankind.

It is said that "ignorance is bliss", think of the Garden of Eden as living in blissful ignorance, an evolved primate, not yet human. Exiting the Garden of Eden is having knowledge and evolving up to human awareness, we are no longer animals that live by instinct alone, we can and do think, so now our ignorance (and innocence) is lost forever.

I believe that The Bible story of Adam and Eve already encompasses Darwinism.

 

 

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

 

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When I tell my professors that I operate my own small business in addition to attending school full-time, it inevitably happens that they ask me what my business is.  When I first returned to school, I felt very awkward and uncomfortable in disclosing what it is I actually do.  After all, I am working toward becoming a Psychologist, and these people have already earned their PhD's in Psychology, Sociology, Biology, Mathematics, and a myriad of other fields.

Although the majority of my clients tend to be professionals, doctors, lawyers, politicians, and highly educated in their own right, I still feel the old "hooga booga" vibe from time to time before I spout my twelve year history of being a New Age Life Coach who uses tarot and astrology, in addition to mainstream coaching methods.  Generally, I first inform them that I have a twenty year history of manufacturing experience primarily in the printing industry at a managerial level, and THEN go on to describe how I wrote a book on Tarot, and launched my newest career.  This kind of smooths things over in preparing them to hear what my current unusual and unorthodox career is.

I am not embarrassed in the least by what I do, quite the contrary, however, I do not appreciate my career being potentially scoffed at as there are still a lot of skeptics out there.

So, I begin by disclosing that I am a Life Coach, and over time, I continue to disclose my tools.  What makes me different from the average service provider in my field, is that in addition to my intuitive interpretations of the cards, I also provide a "coaching" service, if a client is willing to take the extra step and take full advantage of my talents.  (The enlightened client will take advantage of this service).

My Life Coaching is inclusive of taking a psycho dynamic, behavioral, and cognitive psychological approach in guiding you to achieve your goals.  This is blending science with the metaphysical, and is very effective. 

As I've been working here for over a dozen years I find that there are two types of clients.  The average client, who is looking for a purely "psychic" prediction and assumes they have no control over the outcome of their situation, and the intelligent client, those who are high in critical thinking skills and realize that an intuitive interpretation of the tarot is not sufficient, they want to contribute and actively participate in achieving their desired outcomes, or learn how to better cope if the outcome they desire is not likely to manifest.  This is probably why the bulk of my repeat clients are professionals, they are educated, and possess critical thinking skills beyond those who are relying on purely "psychic" interpretations.

It is no coincidence that "psychology" and "psychic" begin with the same syllable, "psy" means "of the mind".  If you truly want a rewarding experience "of the mind" then I am likely the person you wish to speak to.  Psychology by definition is the study of the human mind and it's functions, most especially those relating to human behavior.  "Psychic" is defined as of, relating to, affecting, or influenced by the human mind or psyche, who better to accurately predict human behavior than an advisor well versed in both.  With this knowledge and skill set, I am also able to coach you as to how to bring about the reactions you desire in any persons involved in your situation, or, if they are not subject to be influenced by your actions, coach you as to how to cope with accepting your situation as it is, or letting it go and moving forward.

So, as my professors have come to know me for who I am and what I do, they see the value of the service I provide, respect my approach, and encourage me to join their ranks at the prestigious academic level of "PhD".

Brigid Bishop, as I said, is NOT your average "Card Flipper".  Give me a call for a discriminating and critical analysis of your situation and start making your relationships work for you, achieving your career goals, and living your life to the fullest! 
Are You a Stalker?

We get interested in men, we get frustrated, at times, by men, we get hurt by men, we fall in love with men, and we break up and make up with men.  In the complicated world of relationships we ride the roller coaster of masculine and feminine energy and we, at times, fall prey to our weaker instincts and do things that we normally would not do as rational, adult women.

Answer these questions honestly, yes or no.

Results will be given at the bottom of this little quiz to see if you have ever been a “stalker”.

1.    You have blocked your number and dialed a man’s phone number and immediately hung up, just to hear his voice and get a “rush”.  (You may have then spent hours or days analyzing his tone of voice and/or the background noises present during that split second call).

2.    You have logged onto match or facebook under a pseudo name just to check his profile and any activity on his account.

3.    You have gone out of your way to do “drive-by’s” past his work, his home, and his haunts just to see if there have been any changes in his movements or habits.

4.    You know his movements and habits so well that if he is not at any of the places listed in Item 3, above, you panic when he is not within his normal routine.

5.    You have accessed his cell phone account and looked up every number he has called through the web and those that you could not identify, you rang, as in Item 1 above.

6.    You have actually spent time trying to crack his password on his email, voicemail, facebook or match account.

7.    You show up at his “usual” haunts trying to behave as if you would be there “anyway”, but you know, in reality, you are only there in the hopes of bumping into him and creating an interaction that would not otherwise occur.

8.    You have run a “background” check on him through the web to try to pin down any information about him that you may not have already gathered, and you paid good money for it.

9.    You pump any mutual friends or acquaintances that you have for information, in what you believe is a seemingly “casual” way, and subsequently follow up on any “leads” you may get as to his current activity.

10.  You have conducted your own “stake-out” of his home, work place, or favorite haunts.

 

Here are your scores

If you answered yes question 1, you are not alone.  This is a common practice among American Women of all ages, and can easily be explained away as a Freudian Slip, or an accidental dial.  Repeatedly indulging in question one behavior, however, can indicate a problem.

If you answered yes to question 2, you’re still in the realm of the average curiosity level of the American Female, although the information you gain by doing so may only serve to hurt your feelings.

If you answered yes to number 3, you are starting to get a little bit higher onto the Stalker Scale of possessiveness, and plotting his movements in this manner is wasting your time and feeding your obsession.  You really should go out of your way to not drive by these locations.

A combination of items one, two and three is beginning to put you into stalker mode, and you really should try to stop.

If you answered yes to number 4, you are climbing the Stalker Scale and hurting yourself more than anyone.  Stop here.  The only thing that will happen with this knowledge is that you will hurt yourself.

If you answered to yes to number 5, you are well on your way to topping out on the Stalker Scale.  You are invading his privacy and could well face criminal charges if you get caught.  Stop immediately.  Let go.

If you answered yes to number 6, you are on a path to self-destruction, and if caught, again, you could face criminal charges and public humiliation.  Please stop.

If you answered yes to number 7, you are in “chase” mode with this man, and the only thing that your presence and persistence will do is make the man react by pulling farther away.  It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Putting yourself squarely in his path at every opportunity is NOT going to make him realize that he misses you and that he wants more with you.  Your elusiveness will do more to fan his flames of desire more than anything else.

Answering yes to number 8 is pure stalking, you are not going to find any sense of relief or gratification in the information that you find.  Let go.

If you answered yes to number 9, you are being blatantly obvious, and again, you are in chase mode.

Answering yes to number 10 indicates that you are at risk of having a restraining order placed against you, if the male in question is so inclined, and you are running the risk of discovery.

Count up your answers to the positive.  On a scale of one to ten, the higher your score, the more obsessive your behavior.  Love can lead to madness, but there is no need to torture yourself and risk criminal charges over a male whose behavior drives you to such lengths.

If you score a zero, you a very healthy and secure woman, and probably had no interest in even reading this blog.

If you score one to three, you are exhibiting insecurity on a level that is about average when a relationship is not progressing as you would like.

If you score three to six, you are beginning to exhibit signs of obsession and should really examine this relationship and how it is hurting you, not adding to your life, but reducing the quality of your life.

If you score above six, you are in danger of losing yourself and your self-esteem by placing your focus on an outside source for gratification and you need to begin to look inside.  You are also in danger of having criminal charges placed against you should the person you are doing this too feel that you have violated their privacy in this manner.

Rather than spending time and energy in these ill-fated pursuits, try moving forward and living the life that you have always imagined yourself living.  Pick up a new hobby, pick up a new man, redefine yourself, change your style, focus on yourself and not this person on the outside who is being so inattentive as to cause you to behave a bit irrationally.

Here are some other articles that you may find of interest in the meantime:


Copyright © 2007 by Brigid Bishop


This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

  This blog is an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" released in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

 

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

Understanding Past Life Connections and Memories

Gone With the Wind, A Classic Soulmate Story

Cold Mountain, An Adventure In Scrying

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Calculating Soul Mate (Soulmate) Connections With Astrology

Soulmates Return

(Poetry)

What Is A Spell?  Magick is NOT Magic!

Relationship Autopsy

Where Did The Devil Come From?

The Meaning of the Pentacle

Masculine Energy Females, The Dating Game Continues


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Making the Moon Work for You

by Brigid Bishop

 

The Moon, as it orbits our earth, moves through the zodiac much more quickly than any other significant celestial body. 

The Moon is one of the most potent astrological forces that we experience, and as it cycles through the signs on a regular schedule of approximately 2.5 days, we can use its’ energy to enhance our daily lives in many matters, including, but not limited to:

Signing contracts, beginning projects, attending job interviews, applying for loans, changing residence, approaching authority figures, travelling, shopping, and putting an end to something, convincing others to come around to your way of thinking.

How do we do this?

It’s rather simple.

Look at your sun sign and watch the movements of The Moon for when it will next be residing in the same sign as your sun.  When The Moon is in your sign, you can expect things to work out to your favor regardless of how difficult you may find the situation to be.

When The Moon is in your sun sign, these are your “best” days of the month, and these are the days when things will go more strongly in your favor than at any other time during the month.

At the opposite end of the scale, we have you “worst” or “lowest” days each month as well. 

These occur during the 2.5 days that The Moon visits your polar opposite sign.  For example, when you are an Aquarius, your lowest days of the month occur when The Moon is in Leo, if you are a Pisces, your lows are when The Moon is in Virgo, and so on around the astrological wheel.

When you are in the 2.5 day phase of your low, just kick back and don’t try to change things, wait for better timing, as you will find it most difficult to get your way during this phase.

The low points are good times of the month to meditate, be spiritual, be more kind to others and let negativity roll off your back like the proverbial duck.  Try to avoid dealing with important business matters during these times if it is at all possible.

Every 2.5 days The Moon goes “Void of Course” as well.  The length of the Void of Course Moon varies greatly, sometimes, it can be a fleeting few seconds, at others, it can last a few days.  A lunar phase calendar can help you to track The Moon.

A Void of Course Moon occurs when the last major aspect happens prior to changing to the next sign, hence, its’ frequency being an approximate 2.5 days.  The Void ends when The Moon successfully enters the next sign.

These periods are best used for “quiet times” for everyone.  Things tend to go wrong or get confused during the void, stress levels rise, patience wanes and everyone is just a little bit more difficult to talk to.  It is not an exceedingly strong influence, but it has its’ moments.  It is best to avoid taking assertive actions during these voids, simply wait for them to pass.

 

 

 

Are You “The Other Woman?”

Why Do People Cheat?

Surviving An Affair

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

He Left His Wife, Now What?

When The One We Love Is With Someone Else

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

 

 

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Soul Mates

by Brigid Bishop


Searching for your soul mate?  Have a romanticized vision in your head of what it will be like?  Living happily ever after and never having a harsh word pass between you?  Is this what you have come to believe your soul mate is all about?

WRONG!

Soul mate relationships, although the most SIGNIFICANT relationships in our lives, are also the most DIFFICULT, or CHALLENGING, or CONTAIN THE MOST OBSTACLES!

People look at me like I am nuts when I say this as they have been led to believe by modern marketing practices that soul mate relationships are an instant connection with the fairy tale ending guaranteed, oh lord, do we need to talk about this!

First of all, there is a common misconception that people have that each soul here on earth has but one soul mate.  That is not true.  We have multiple soul mates.  Each soul mate that we encounter is here with us because we have created a specific kind of karma with that soul.  Dependent upon the karma created......we teach each others lessons relevant to that karma.

There are also different types of soul mates.  Some soul mates are considered "twin flames".  Twin flames are typically souls that are on a very similar karmic path and we encounter them during certain growth stages of our lives, we support them, they support us.  They are typically friends, family members, or sometimes even casual acquaintances that we feel that instant chemistry with.  They are not here so much to teach us a soul lesson as to support us while we learn it.  They can manifest as children and parents, etc. etc.

There are also "twin souls".  Twin souls tend to have extremely similar life paths to ours and we tend to cultivate these relationships quite easily, the twin soul is probably the type of soul mate that the average person imagines when they reference the term.  The compatibility quotient is high, interests similar, experiences similar, etc., they typically are not the type of soul mate that passionate relationships arise out of.

Then we have the pure essence soul mates.  These are the soul mates that have been romanticized in literature etc., however, the relationships with these soul mates are NEVER easy, smooth or effortless, they can be quite painful in fact, but if we work out the lessons karmically imprinted on our souls together, we achieve the reward of being able to be happy together.

The best example of a soul mate relationship portrayed in modern media that I can think of right now is the movie "What Dreams May Come".  If you have never seen it, please rent it and pay close attention.  Robin Williams plays the male lead and I can never remember the woman's name, but this is a soul mate relationship.  In this story the man and woman meet and are very happy and productive, soul mates, but then, the soul lessons begin.

 

WARNING:  THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF THE MOVIE, A "SPOILER" TO DEMONSTRATE A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP, DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR YOURSELF!!

 

I warned you!  This is the spoiler.  Robin Williams and his wife are happily married with children and very successful and productive.  Everything you could imagine a soul mate relationship being based on popular belief (fairy tale life), and then......one day......their nanny takes the children in the car and there is a terrible accident.  Yes, the children die.  It's horrid.

The wife falls apart and so does the husband, but the husband is capable of healing and begins to do so, the wife continues to fall apart as does the marriage, the wife even becomes suicidal, but their soul mate connection allows the husband to somehow pull her back into the living of life......just as they are about to celebrate reconciling their marriage and her recovery from attempted suicide, HE gets killed!!!!

It's so sad!!!!  He dies and the story follows him to "heaven" where he encounters certain characters..........and he is allowed to see how his estranged wife is doing.  Needless to say, she becomes depressed and suicidal and to his dismay he cannot stop her this time and she kills herself.

Well, they are soul mates, the most difficult relationships to work on, but the most connective.  He finds that she goes to hell because of her suicide, and he is successful in rescuing her from the depths of hell...........it is an excellent movie about what it means to be a soul mate and what true love is.

The movie ends with a little boy and a little girl on a dock by a lake playing who meet for the first time, yes, it is Robin and his wife again, getting yet another chance to get things right, that is the nature of a soul mate relationship.  You go through hell together and you keep getting the chance to do it over and over and over and over until you get it right.

Soul mates..........ah, the irony.  I have mine and I must tell you I spent my time in hell and he did come and pull me back out.  We went through nine years of working out our karma until we were allowed to be happy (I hope it lasts).

So when someone asks me "Is he my soul mate?" in a reading, the first thing I tell them is "You realize we have more than one soul mate, right?".

Careful what you ask for, you just might get it.


Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

*Have you read Brigid's new book "The Dating Game" available on Amazon and Kindle!


Please Arrange a Call or Try My Groups TY!

Read more about Soul Mates on Brigid Bishops' Blog at Keen.com

Gone With the Wind, a Classic Soul Mate Story

 

On The Outside Looking In

What Is Truth?

What is Truth?

A simple answer exists to this complex question, although we don't often recognize it.

Are my truths the same as yours? Absolutely not. We are two separate entities who have had experiences totally independent of one another and we have each drawn our own truths from how we perceived these experiences.

Truth is perception.

Example A

I was raised Catholic and went to a parochial school, to me, truth is that nuns can be cruel, Catholic School offers a higher standard of education to the students and Jesus Christ is the son of God. These are my truths, (perceptions).

You, however, were raised Jewish, went to a public school and you watched "The Flying Nun" on TV. Your truth is that nuns are young and pretty and kind, public education is just as good as private or parochial, and Jesus Christ was a prophet, but not the saviour nor the direct son of God. These are your truths, (perceptions).

Example B

We are both in a grocery store and a young couple in the cooler section of the store breaks out into an argument. I observe that the young man is being disrespectful in his fighting style with the young woman, you observe that the young woman is being unnecessarily difficult. My truth, (perception), is that the fighting would stop if the young man ceased to call her names during their argument. Your truth, (perception), is that the fighting would stop if the young woman stopped disagreeing with the young man and just gave in. Why? Because we are both perceiving a different person as the antagonist in the situation due to our own past experiences with arguing with our partners.

Example C

I was born poor and worked my way up the corporate ladder and you were born priviliged and were placed in your position not so much by skill, but due to your educational background. We end up as equals at work and we must interview a candidate for an executive assistant position.

A young man with no education but obviously a hard worker and in possession of a fine intellect is a candidate for the job. I wish to hire him, you wish to move on to the next candidate with no experience, but with a good education from your alma matter. To you, your perception, (truth), is that the recent graduate would make the better assistant due to their educational background. To me, my perception, (truth), is that the uneducated but highly motivated and intelligent candidate would make the better assistant. Why? Because, again, our experiences differ giving us both a different perception, (truth), in our minds.

Are my truths the same as yours?

No.

Truth is perception, pure and simple.

 

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

Abracadabra!  I will create as I speak!

That is the actual ancient Aramaic translation of the word.

Many who belong to "mainstream" religions have a view of the Magickal religions that is so skewed I feel it necessary to post a little educational information for you.

First of all, let's talk about SPELLS!

What is a spell?

A spell is a very emotionally charged incantation, often accompanied by ritual practices such as candle burning and incense burning, that is done by an individual to achieve their goals and satisfy their desires.  It is usually poetic in nature and those who follow the Magickal Paths believe that their Deities appreciate the rhythm of the spells' flow and will grant more readily if the spell is well performed, sincere.

What is a prayer?

A prayer is a very emotionally charged incantation, often accompanied by ritual practices such as candle burning and incense burning, that is done by an individual to achieve their goals and satisfy their desires.  It is usually poetic in nature and those who follow the Religious Paths believe that their Deities appreciate the rhythm of the prayers' flow and will grant more readily if the prayer is well performed, sincere.

Do all spells work?  No.

Do all prayers work?  No.

Can anyone guarantee a spell?  No.

Can anyone guarantee a prayer?  No.

Magick is not magic, it is not Abracadabra!  Your Lover Returns.

If you are from a mainstream religion and curious about spells, it is in your best interest to stick to the prayers (rituals) of your own religion to try to manifest your desires, as your energy and your belief systems will be in tune.

If you are not from a Magickal Religion, and you still wish to try to do spell work, remember, Spells are nothing more than powerful prayers, there are no guarantees, but focusing your energy on your spellwork is empowering in the sense that it makes you feel that you are taking control of a situation that you otherwise have no control over.

I was raised Catholic, and I am still a Christian, I have studied spells in depth and realized that the Catholic Religion is filled with spells and rituals, I just never understood it.  When you light a candle in a church for someone, that is a spell.  It makes sense as Christianity did evolve from the pagan cultures of the ancients, so there is a lot of overlap.

If you wish to learn about spells, how to do them, how to customize them, how to manifest with your own personal energy those things you want, I can teach you about it if you call me, but I DO NOT perform spells FOR people like you see advertised elsewhere, that would be like canvasing people to pay you to pray for them.  It's just not my cup of tea.  I will teach you anything you wish to know, help you compose your spells or even sell you via pay to view email information on how to compose them or perform them, but I strongly recommend that you stick to the faith that you are comfortable with and utilize the magick contained in your own religious system.

Bright Blessings!

Brigid Bishop


 

Is There Room In Christianity for "Other Beliefs"?

Where Did The Devil Come From?

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Where are you at with your relationship style?

Independence?

In “Deep End”-ness

Co “Deep End”-ness

Inter “Deep End”-ness

Picture the realm of relationships as a big swimming pool. You are in the deep end of the pool.

If you are in “independent” mode, you are swimming around all by yourself, doing fine, getting out and diving in off the high dive, unaffected by the other swimmers around you. You are an individual and you are not connecting with others at this time, you are focused on yourself and yourself alone. You may take an occasional date with another swimmer, but you prefer to swim alone most of the time.

If you are in “codependent” mode, well, you won’t go in the water alone. Someone must always be with you. A lifeguard must always be around. When you dive in you immediately swim over to another swimmer and begin to cling on to them, they frequently push you away. You may feel like you are drowning and no one is helping you. The more you try to cling to another swimmer, the more you are pushed away and you thrash around and swallow water and end up hanging on to the side of the pool coughing and crying. It’s not much fun in the pool for you, but you keep trying.

If you are in “interdependent” mode, you have a great time at the relationship pool. You have one special partner that you swim with on a regular basis. You may synchronize your swim into a beautiful dance in the waters of relationship, when you go to the diving board to try a new move, your partner is there in the water below waiting and watching to be sure you are safe, spotting you while you dive, and you do the same for them. When your swim time is over, you are both comfortable going your separate ways as you know that you will meet back at the pool again soon for another dip, and you feel secure about the other person.

I am a firm believer in interdependence. Independence is fine, it is healthy, but in relationships we have to know how to let people in. Independence can become lonely if we refuse to join in the fun going on in the relationship pool, but there are times when we want to be alone, perhaps we are healing over a bad breakup or just not ready because we have other priorities right now, raising children or career, etc., but don’t swim alone for so long that you forget how to connect.

Codependence is a horrible, anxiety ridden state to exist in. We feel like we are nothing unless we can define ourselves by our relationships, behaviors while in codependent mode can escalate to cyber stalking, and worse, physical stalking. We want others in our lives so bad that we drive them away because we don’t have the self-discipline to let our relationships develop naturally. We tend to go through relationships faster and in higher numbers than most. They all seem to start off promising enough, but within a month or two we are back on the side of the pool crying and coughing. If you are in codependent mode, it may be wise for you to try the independent mode for several months to readjust your relationship goggles and your approach to relationships in general. Once we have mastered independence, we have a much higher success rate at moving on to interdependence.

Ah, interdependence, to me, it is the way all healthy relationships should operate. You and your loved one are secure in knowing that you are there for each other, you are capable of being together, happily, and also of pursuing other interests and friendships without fear or insecurity. There is no need to check up on each other or doubt anything because you have established trust, respect and love. To gain interdependence you and your partner must spend the necessary time in the relationship pool, getting to know each other and enjoying each other, but you must also learn to respect each other’s boundaries and to give each other space.

What is your style of swimming in the relationship pool?

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.

Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



I get this over and over and over again in my professional practice. Women, who are otherwise intelligent and logical beings become irrational and unrealistic and anxiety ridden when the object of their affections becomes ambivalent, or worse, uninterested.

I am not talking about those in "long term" relationships. I am talking about those who are truly single and dating who don't want to give a relationship time to grow or develop naturally, or don't allow the male to take the "reins" so to speak, of the masculine energy role (the initiator) and jump the gun in oh so many ways.

The advice that I give over and over and over again, which VERY few follow, is to remove their energy and attention AWAY from the gentleman who is behaving in a distant manner. This means, don't call him up, don't text him, don't stalk him online, don't invite him out..........the female (at the dating stage) must allow the male the time and the "room" to decide whether or not he wants to take this further, which is not on the same schedule as the female.

Females tend to decide very quickly that they want to be involved. They may have just flirted with a gentleman and they will call me and ask "is this the guy that I am going to marry". Although the cards will show if there is a POTENTIAL for a long term relationship, if you have just met a guy this weekend and he hasn't even asked you out yet, this question is based on suppositions galore and it is not likely that you will get a very accurate answer. Tarot Readings are not set in stone. They will tell you what is LIKELY to happen if you remain on the same path, continue with the same types of actions, into the future. Any changes in YOUR behavior change the outcomes of the situation...Tarot Readings are a living, breathing, metaphysical wonder and change as your actions change.

A more apropos question at the first stages of infatuation would be "will he ask me out" and then after a date or so "will we develop a relationship" perhaps after 6-9 months of exclusive dating...."will he consider marrying me".......the questions have to be realistic in comparison to the situation in order to have any sense of accuracy. If you want to be the "feminine" energy in a relationship with a "masculine" male, as archaic as it may sound, you must allow him to set the pace. If it is not in your nature to allow this, then you may be a "masculine" energy female, or if you are truly "feminine" energy, you need to discipline yourself to your natural energy.

All modern women must maintain a masculine energy at work, and our "go get it if you want it" attitude will serve us well in our careers, but NOT in our relationships (unless he is a feminine energy male), but this post is about the majority....we shall discuss the opposing roles later. Ok, so he is a masculine energy male. He wants to be TRUSTED. He wants you to think he is COMPETENT. So why would you pick up the phone and call him and ask him out for the weekend??? It makes him feel like you are taking the lead and that you do not feel he is man enough, or responsible enough to be able to ask YOU out. He may say yes, but you are setting a playing field where you will ultimately lose! Your role, as the feminine energy, is to ACCEPT or REJECT whatever this man presents to you. If he does not call you within a comfortable amount of time, it doesn't mean you call him and take the lead, it means you REJECT his negligence and busy yourself with friends or on other dates with males who respect you enough to follow up with you.

If a male tells you he would rather "be friends", it does not mean that he really down deep wants to be your lover but is afraid of commitment, or was hurt and afraid he will be hurt again. It means he IS NOT interested in being your lover...move on. If he changes his mind, he will be back.

The most effective means of measuring a man's interest is to keep moving on, keep moving forward UNTIL HE ASKS YOU to stop, stay still with him for awhile. Until a man asks you to be exclusive to him DATE YOUR BUTT OFF!!! If you are in a dating slump......keep yourself busy doing the things you’ve always wanted to do....live your life as you imagine in your mind......start living the life you imagine.....on your own!!!! Nothing draws a man out more than the absence of your energy. If you allow him to feel your absence, he will feel the need to connect, and he will INITIATE!!! If you are always there, texting him, phoning him, lurking on line, he has NO MOTIVATION to connect...........you are always available...so there is no sense of urgency for him to get some of your time and attention...he already has it!!!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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