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Senselessly Murdered
September 11 

Sorry I have not been available this past week, and this is why.  I will return slowly, as I can.  Please be patient, I have some healing to do, and will start coming back to work soon.

My Son Zachary died a Hero.

He was staying at the home of an acquaintance, so that he could catch the bus to work in the morning, his car was broken down. He lived in a nearby town with no bus service.

Zach was protecting the people in the house, and died by a stab wound to the back.

Zachary was the gentlest, sweetest soul, he would never have believed such anger and cruelty would exist in this world. One of his quotes "Love me or hate me. I stay hate free. They say you learn from your mistakes, that's why they mistake me."

His family and friends will try to follow that advice, and love him dearly.

As his mother, I want him to remember the nightly blessing I gave him when I tucked him in when he was a little boy, "God Bless you, and keep you safe, and watch over you always." God Speed Zachary. I love you with all my heart, you will be with us every day, we know that.

#showzachyourlove #stayhatefree
Wondering if the gentleman that you are interested in developing a relationship with is sincere about wanting to get to know you?  Is he just interested in you in a "casual" way?  There are several key indicators of what a man's intentions are toward you that are easy enough to spot.

Understanding the short-term and long-term relationship strategies that men implement is an easy way to know whether your new interest is "worth the wait".  Applying this knowledge to your personal relationships is not a difficult task, it just takes a little critical thinking.

First of all, you have to understand what attracts men.  Looks.  Yes, men are shallow beings.  Attractiveness is measured psychologically by a person's symmetry.  If you are a pleasant looking individual, who has a face that is well-balanced, clear skin, and a decent appearance to your hair, you are probably considered reasonably attractive.  Body shape needs to lend itself to a "fertile" appearance.  A well-defined waist line, not anorexic, but a slimmer waist, with hips a bit broader, and a defined bosom are considered signs of fertility.  Well proportioned, balanced, symmetry again.

If a man is interested in a long-term relationship, he will pursue a woman who has symmetry, appears "fertile" (even if beyond child-bearing years), and has a relatively healthy appearance. 

If a man is only looking for short-term connection (casual sex), he will not really put a high value on the female's appearance, as he does not value her as a potential permanent partner.  So check out the quantity and quality of his short-term partners if you can.

Age does matter.  Men are drawn to fertility (yes, even if you are beyond child-bearing years).  Rarely does a younger male seek the companionship of a significantly older female.  Generally males pursue females who are an average of 3 to 5 years younger than themselves for long-term relationship formation, although this is the average, the older a male becomes, the larger the age gap.  If you are older than him, the odds that he is looking to you to form a long-term relationship go down, exponentially with each year that you are elder to him.  If you are 5 or more years older than him, unless you are extremely wealthy, or have some other type of material security to offer him, he is just looking for a casual, short-term experience with you.

Cougars are a myth.  They exist only in Hollywood and on TV shows, and remember, a real cougar is only using the younger man for HER pleasure, not building a "relationship".  So be realistic.  You may have a fun time with "Mr. I am 8 Years Older than Him", but that's all it is likely to become, don't expect a lot.  There are exceptions to every rule, but you would save yourself a lot of heartache if you learned to realize these relationships seldom develop and behave accordingly.

So, men are looking for symmetry, youth, and fertility for long-term relationship building.  What are they looking for in the short-term?  Anything goes.  In the short-term, men are unconcerned with symmetry, they may only be with you one time.  They have no concern about your age, you can be a suitable sexual partner regardless of being his senior, and perhaps an enjoyable one at that, until he finds someone he has a more committed interest in.  Body shape?  Short-term, men are usually unconcerned with whether you are too thin, too heavy, or perfectly symmetrical, they have no intention of sticking around once they have had enough pleasure from you.

A key indicator is also how your appearance matches up to his.  Tens attract tens, nines attract nines, and fives attract fives.  If you have a realistic self-awareness of your attractiveness level, and you believe yourself to be a six, and a gentlemen who is a nine begins showing an interest in you, be careful...he is probably only looking for a short-term connection (unless he views you as a 9 or 10).  Saying "you're hot" to you does not mean that he believes you are superior in attractiveness, it just means that he wouldn't kick you out of bed, not until he was done, anyhow. 

So, if you are looking for a long-term partner, keep in mind that he should be someone who is similar to you in level of attractiveness, age appropriate (+/- 5 Years is a stretch, usually plus 3 to 5 (or more if you are older), and -3 for the reach toward the youthful men), and shows a consistent interest in you.

What do I mean by consistent?

Regular, intentional interest and communication initiated by him, toward you.  If he only approaches you at the bar, at midnight, on Friday night, and you don't hear from him all week, that's not consistent.  If he likes your facebook posts, but never calls you to chat or asks you out, that's not consistency.  If you only see him at a class you both happen to enjoy, that is not consistent.  Direct and personal contact indicates interest.

Don't invest your time, or your heart, until he has built consistency.

Evolutionary Psychology teaches us these facts, and these facts are scientifically valid.  Evolutionary Psychology also states that men will wait to become physically intimate with a mate that they perceive as having long-term potential, but with short-term partners, they will want physical intimacy quickly, and very quickly find another short-term, once they are satisfied.

So, pay attention to the "Science" in love.  Take your time, let the male pursue, and do not become intimate until you feel he has a vested interest in you.

 

Has that horse dropped dead right underneath you and are you still standing there hitting it trying to make it get up and go?  Perhaps you need to check and see if your relationship has a pulse as well?

You've been involved with this guy for a good, long period of time, perhaps even a year or two, and yet, it feels uncomfortable for you to pick up the phone and call him, you feel like you might be bothering him, you don't want to upset him yet again, so you don't call, but you are anxious about when you are going to hear from him again.

You haven't had any fights, you just feel like something is wrong, a general feeling of anxiety comes over you when you think about the relationship.  Despite the fact that you have been seeing each other for at least a year, you feel just as insecure about when he is going to call you again as you did during that first month.

Even though you have been in some sort of relationship for sometime now, you still don't feel any sense of commitment from him, if you don't call him he might not call you. 

Why?

(To gain more insight into making your relationships work for you, purchase a copy of Brigid Bishop's The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of the Heart, available on Amazon and Kindle).

When you leave a few things at his house he reminds you that you have belongings there to take home with you, he goes to parties with friends without you, when he spends time with his family, you are not included. 

Why?

He says things like "let's not make more out of this than it is" when you get up out of bed with him and ask him if he wants you to stay over. 

Why?

He goes for days and days without contacting you. 

Why?

Since you are unable to absorb any of the above hints, I will tell you straight out why your man is behaving the way he is.  He does NOT want a relationship with you!  It's over dear!  Bury this poor dead horse and move on!  No matter what you do at this point, you are not going to get the commitment or the relationship you want with this guy, you are NOT in a relationship, you are single!  This guy is just spending time with you on occasion because he has not yet met the person he is going to REPLACE you with!

Your relationship is dead, please have the common sense and courtesy to bury it and let it rest in peace.  Further pursuit of happiness here will only end in disaster.

At times I receive calls from clients who are experiencing this type of relationship necromancy, and frequently they just don't want to hear the cold hard facts, and persist in trying to bring the dead back to life.

The most frequently asked question is "Why"?

Well, does it really matter "Why" he no longer has an active interest in you?  What matters is how this prolonged connection with the dead relationship is affecting you.  You are unhappy, you feel anxious all the time, you never know when or if you will hear from him so you are constantly "waiting" for his next move.  Let go!  Move on!  Find someone who really does care for you and be happy instead of miserable.  Get back into life!

I know of a woman who has been trying to make a situation like this work for over two years.  This man frequently breaks up with her, usually around a major holiday or a special day for her, like her birthday or their "anniversary", and yet she just won't let go!  Whenever he breaks it off with her, she chases and chases and chases him, literally throws herself at him, and then, when he takes advantage of what she offers and does nothing else, she asks me why.  I tell her the cold hard truth, he is not interested in a relationship with her and although they have been seeing each other for two years, it is not going to develop further and she really should seek her happiness elsewhere, yet she won't let go.  She stubbornly holds on, and says "well I don't understand, we've been together for two years".

No, they have NOT been together for two years, they were together for a few months at the very beginning and it has been a battle to stay "together" since then.  Nothing but on again, off again, and she is the one that always makes it seem to be "on again".

I truly cannot comprehend how some women waste their time, energy and emotion in situations like this.  When in the past it became apparent to me that a man no longer wished to share my company, I had no qualms about saying "Ok, well take care, good-bye" and moving on to someone who actually WANTED to spend time with me.

One woman I know had a few items she had strategically placed in her on/off boyfriends home, and he actually said to her "You need to take your things home with you, let's not make more out of this than it is" and she STILL persists in trying  to "make this work".

My lord, if a man ever said that to me I'd pack my stuff up and be gone from his life in about two seconds flat, change my phone number and immediately begin seeking alternate companionship.  Not this woman, no, she took her things home alright, but she is still there, on hold, waiting for the next "on" phase to begin.

It's sad really, time and emotion just wasted away that could be so much more well spent.

If a man is into you, you will know it, he will seek out your company, not avoid it.  If a man is avoiding spending time with you, TAKE THE HINT and spend your time wisely with those who enjoy being with you!

Closure is Not a Gift


At least once per day, usually much more frequently, I receive calls from clients asking about exes from whom they wish to be "given closure".

Sometimes it is a freshly broken relationship and quite understandable that they would like to have a logical and mature discussion with the ex as to why the relationship failed, in order to learn from the experience and begin the process of moving on.

There are some clients, however, who are looking to be "given closure" for situations and relationships that are ancient history, perhaps having ended many months or even years ago. These clients tend to be stuck, they are unable to move forward into new relationships, forgoing any opportunities for moving on by waiting and wondering if they will ever "get closure".

They focus on wondering if their ex partner ever thinks about them, how they feel about them, even when the ex partner is obviously involved with someone new! They live in constant anticipation, regardless of how much time has passed, of the old flame making contact and some how, some way, "giving" them the "closure" that they need to move forward.

This is not only unrealistic, it is down right unhealthy. I find that the clients who have this insatiable need for the "gift of closure" are harboring the hope that the ex will see what a mistake they made and return to the failed relationship.

Some actually believe that unless they are "given closure" the relationship still has a chance of resurrecting itself, even if years have gone by.

Closure is not something you are given. it is not a gift.

Yes, some relationships do end with some very clear and defined energies of closure, most have been very long-term and committed in nature, such as marriages and engagements where social expectations are high, but clear-cut closure is the exception in relationships, not the rule. Closure is something that you TAKE.

In most cases, closure is an experience that you go through alone, not with your ex, but alone.

How do you "take" your closure?

There are many ways to do so.

Closure is simply an acceptance that the relationship you once had is now over. You are no longer partners. You are once again two separate entities who are now free to look for a more compatible partner. Closure requires letting go. Some people "take" their closure once their ex becomes involved with a new love, some take their closure after a month or two of no contact and no attempted reconciliation occurs, some take their closure when they meet someone new and feel a true interest in moving forward with the new person, everyone is different.

The people who never receive closure are the people who sit around waiting for their ex to "give" it to them.  They surrender all of their power to an  ex who has most likely taken their own closure quite some time ago, waiting for that "gift of closure" that never comes, from an ex who is long gone.

If you would like closure to your situation, reach out and take it, that's the only way to get it. It's all about acceptance. Accept the change that has occurred, you are not half of a couple, you are an independent individual and you can move forward, you don't need your ex recounting all the reasons the relationship failed to you. Will hearing your ex say "It's not you it's me" or "We grew apart" or "We fought too much" or "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now" really make you feel better? Will it make any more sense to you?

Does knowing with a certainty exactly why your relationship failed make it any easier to move on?  Perhaps, but waiting months or years for a "gift" that never comes is just wasting your time and energy.  In my experience, those who have an actual "closure" discussion rarely find comfort in it, it leaves them trying to argue the point/counter points of the relationship with the ex rather than freeing them to move on.

Instead look at it this way, we had a relationship, it did not work, think of the positives and negatives of that particular partnership and learn from them. Take the good into your next experience and leave the bad behind. Take you closure and move on! The sooner you do, the happier you will be.


Copyright © 2010 Brigid Bishop


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When You Fall In Love With a Married Man

It isn't ever planned or well thought out, but women can and do fall in love with married men on a fairly regular basis. It is by no means an easy situation, and like it or not, someone is going to get hurt, that's just par for the course.

Do women go out with the intent to find themselves a married person to fall in love with? Of course not. Attraction, destiny, soul mate connections, current life circumstances, physical attraction, discontent with current relationship, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

Being the other woman requires you to take a step back and take a cold, hard, analytical look at the realities of your situation. There will be serious limitations and you should consider them thoroughly before embarking on an affair or continuing your affair with a married man.

It is entirely possible that someday he may leave his wife, however, you live in the present, not the future, and you have no guarantees that his marriage will end.

What you can expect when engaged in this type of relationships are a lot of spontaneous changes in your ability to see each other. Expect last minute rendezvous at the drop of a hat, but also expect that even your best laid plans are subject to last minute cancellations.

Expect to be spending all major holidays alone. He will be in the company of his family, which does include his wife and not with you. Unless you are well socialized, you can expect to be very lonely during these times.

You will need to keep your relationship discreet. You will be unable to share details of your relationship with friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. This can begin to have an isolating effect on you. You will never get to know his parents, his siblings, his children or his circle of friends unless he gets a divorce in the future, which again, is not where you are now. That part of his life will be compartmentalized away from you, where it is entirely possible that he is fully integrated into your life, creating a major imbalance.

You will truly be living in the shadow of his life.

The married male who is seeking companionship outside of his primary relationship, (his marriage), may be a male who has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife. It is possible that he does project himself into a divorce, however, he may have reasons that lead him to believe that the timing of a divorce is just not right for him at present.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship to you really want?

Has he ever stated to you that he is getting divorced? How much time are you willing to invest in waiting to see if he will end his marriage and move forward into a relationship with you? You need to be realistic, these situations can and do drag on for years. Set a time limit in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait on the sidelines keeping your own life on hold and stick to it.

Do you want a relationship that you don't have to hide? Do you want to be able to go out in public together without fear of discovery? Do you want to be able to introduce your partner to your friends and family and spend holidays and special occasions together? If these are things necessary to your happiness, you must take them into account when deciding whether to continue your affair or not.

Are you realistic in your expectations of how his current wife and any children he may have would react were your affair to be discovered? It is highly likely to be very unpleasant.

If you feel that you just cannot let go of your married partner and are willing to suffer through this uncomfortable situation, there are ways for you to cope.

Try to regain some balance in this totally unbalanced situation. Don't be ready to see him each and every time he can slip away because he suddenly is available unexpectedly. Although you may be tempted to take advantage of sharing that special, limited time with him, you will not allow this to occur as it shows him that he is your number one priority, although you are not his primary concern.

Never forget that these types of relationship contain high levels of romance and drama just by their very nature, whether real or imagined, this is so. Grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual in these affairs. Why? Because he well knows that you are in a precarious position by being involved in him and he has to make it seem worth your while. Don't take everything he says at face value. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. There is no way for him to maintain two honest and open relationships in this situation (unless he is part of an open marriage agreement, which is rare). If he is lying to his spouse, do not think for even one second that he is not lying to you as well.

The biggest and most common lie that married men who cheat utilize is that they no longer are sexually active with their wives. Many will even claim to have separate sleeping quarters, Don't believe that lie even for one fleeting second. If he is still married to her and they are still living under the same roof and she has no idea that your relationship exists, he is still sleeping in the same bed with her.

With that in mind, the biggest mistake a woman in this position makes is being exclusive to the married male in question. Until he files for divorce, a woman in this predicament would be wise to continue to date single and available men concurrently. The best remedy is to walk away from the married man and tell him to look you up after his divorce, but if you simply can't, don't limit yourself to being his woman on the side, continue to investigate other relationship options. If you can't bring yourself to do so, you are going to be very lonely at times.

Exercise caution in sharing information about your affair. People love scandal and gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Many, even close friends, will judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be extremely cautious about whom you discuss your situation with.

Set a definitive time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to spend decades as the other woman, as Katherine Hepburn did, only to have the married man you love die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on in your affair.

If he does not give you an explicit time frame, you should leave him, this indicates he truly has no intention of divorcing.

If he informs you that he is waiting for his children to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If you were to continue your involvement with him throughout their primary, middle school and high school education, what motivation would he have to leave his marriage if you were still with him?

In all of this, you must also ponder how he speaks of his current wife.

Are his references to her respectful and honest and definitive of why he no longer feels he wants to be married to her? If this is the case, he respects women and is probably being honest about how the marriage went wrong.

If, on the other hand, he runs her down and blames the failure of the marriage solely on her you need to be extremely careful. This may make you temporarily feel secure because it convinces you that he is no longer in love with his wife, but, consider that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like to hear him speak of you in that manner?

Remember, these relationships are full of drama and deception, he has to keep you feeling like your stifled relationship is worth it, and he will lie to do so.

It is a volatile and potentially painful situation you are in. You could very likely have your heart broken. He may stay married permanently. It does happen. Remember Katherine Hepburn. You could potentially spend years in the shadows of his life loving him and hoping for change only to find, in the end, all of your love was in vain.

It is best to avoid the situation altogether if possible, but if you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone. There are situations like these that do work out, contrary to popular conjecture, each situation is unique, but you must assess the emotional risks you are undertaking and be realistic about them if at all possible.

Are You Being Lied To?

There are many ways to tell if someone is being dishonest with you and I am going to give you just a few tips that should help you separate out fact from fiction.

Eye Contact

There are two distinct traits used by someone who is trying to deceive you when it comes to maintaining eye contact. One is to avert the eyes away from yours, perhaps they focus on your mouth when they speak rather than your eyes, or they drop their eyes to the left or the right, this is a signal that they are not confident in their ploy and that they may be afraid of discovery.

The second trait is entirely the opposite, they go out of their way to maintain eye contact, the eyes are opened up just a little bit too wide, and they don’t blink. This is a tactic used by one who is used to being believed when being deceitful and they are the “more practice” liars among us. They believe the old adage that people do not look each other in the eye when being deceitful so they go out of their way to maintain the contact, because they are concentrating so hard on keeping the eye contact with you, they forget to blink!

Too Many Details

Everyone has events happen that may delay them or keep them away from time to time, but a classic tactic of the liar is to fill in so many details that you will be astounded by the richness of their story, after all, who would take the time to fabricate the color of the shirt their buddy was wearing and how he had a mustard stain on it???? It’s fabricating an alibi……….the more details, the more believable, so why would you double check? Usually these “details” are fragments based on fact, but if you get a six paragraph, detailed explanation of an event, something is up, (or covered up).

Outrageous Stories

Prevaricators tend to hold to the premise that the more details, or the more outrageous the story, the more likely it is to be true! After all, if a loose alligator in the state of Ohio showed up on their lawn, then traveled around the property snapping phone and power lines with its’ mighty jaws, and then coming to rest on the front porch blocking the only exit route, how on earth could they have called you when they said they would? They were trapped in their own home for God’s sake!!! Didn’t you see it on the local news??

Righteous Silence

OOOOOOH, this one is hard to spot, you must be very careful just in case it is a “righteous silence”, typically this is used early on in a relationship before any lies have been “caught”. When you question your subject, they take the stance of “I’m not even going to qualify that with a response”. Righteous silence lies are very difficult to root out, as, perhaps the subject truly was honest, but if the hints above preceded the righteous silence, well, then, you know that it is an act to manipulate you into believing their story. You usually find out that righteous silence lies were fabricated long after the lie is told because of the high risk of negative confrontation if the subject is actually being truthful. Keep your eyes open for this behavior, if it happens every single time you have an innocent question, the person who is being this self-defensive could well be telling you fibs.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.  This is an excerpt from "The Dating Game:  Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" available at fine bookstores everywhere and also on Kindle!

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

 

Great Song by Queen!  One of my favorite bands, by the way.

I certainly understand the sentiment behind the song, and it is perfectly fine to want it all and want it now, but, my dearest, sometimes Patience truly is a Virtue.

I have had many, many clients over the years, with situations at varying degrees of difficulty, and we have worked through them successfully together.  There were times when a learning curve may have slowed or delayed progress, but we got through the toughest times with a high degree of success.

The learning curve seems to always come with my clients when it comes to communication.  Many do not and will not simply wait out a situation to allow it to change.  As discussed in my multiple blogs on  Masculine and Feminine Energy, it seems that a large percentage of female clients cannot self-discipline themselves to the feminine (passive) energy when it comes to communication.

Despite our work together, they decide not to follow the advice of the cards, and the natural balance between Masculine and Feminine Energy, and they initiate contact with the object of their desires first (masculine energy).  All is not lost, however, any progress that was made during their self-imposed silence has now been erased and has lost any and all effectiveness in allowing the male to feel their absence and grow uncomfortable.  Now the male does not have a motivating factor (discomfort) to produce any change in his behavior.

By initiating contact the female has now condoned whatever his unacceptable behavior was and basically trained him that it is okay to treat her like this (inattentively).

So although the woman now has the immediate gratification of having communication and contact with the object of her desires, she has now, inadvertently, taken a few steps backwards into establishing her feminine energy and has most likely delayed any significant change in the males’ behavior.

Why?  Because now, you have reassured the male in question that yes, indeed, you are still actively interested in him.  So why change his behavior?  If he doesn’t feel like calling you for another week or two, you don’t mind, you just trained him that you will reach out to him if he doesn’t reach out to you, you will do all the “work”, and if he feels like being accessible to you he will, if he doesn’t, he won’t.  You have taught him that your feelings don’t matter, you don’t warrant his attention because on the peripheral, you will still be there.  He has absolutely no fear (motivation) that your attention will wander, after all, it’s been two weeks since he called you and here you are ringing him up telling him that you miss him!!  He knows he has you, has no fear that you will go away, so why would he change?

Now, you’ve made the contact, expressed your feelings, he was glad to hear from you, the phone call has ended, and guess what?  He goes silent again.

You have, in effect, told him in no uncertain terms that he can go about his busy life and when he has the time or the need for your companionship, you’ll still be over here in limbo waiting…no worries for him.

The need for immediate emotional gratification is the same need that throws the timing of most relationships off when you succumb to it. 

What is immediate emotional gratification?

It is infantile in nature.  Immediate gratification is the “immediate” fulfilling of a need, as in when an infant cries because they are hungry and the mother rushes to feed the child.  This is good, this is responsible motherhood and necessary to build a sense of security within any newborn child.

We are not babies, sorry to say.  We are grown men and women and we should be able to discipline ourselves to reap the benefits of delayed gratification.

What is delayed gratification?

Delayed gratification is being able to wait to have your needs fulfilled at a more permanent and stable level, for example, the student who wants to become an attorney and works through four years of college and then attends law school and delays the “gratification” of going out and working full time in order to buy the nice car they have their eye on.  The goal is not to have a nice car at the age of 22, but to have a good career and an even nicer car (and overall lifestyle) at the age of 25 or 26 or so.  Delayed gratification is a sign of mature and responsible adulthood.

How do these two differing types of gratification work into the Geometry of Relationships?

Ok, immediate gratification leads you to make those phone calls to the object of your desire and having that immediate relief that the contact may bring.  It feels good, your needs are satisfied, your thirst for his voice is quenched, for now.  As discussed above, you are now most likely going to go back into the waiting mode and either reach for immediate gratification again or suffer it out and wait for the delayed gratification.

With the delayed gratification approach you will suffer now, in the immediate, you will be uncomfortable, you will be wondering why he doesn’t reach out, but you do not reach out to him, you wait it out.  As discussed in multiple other blogs found under my category “Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach”, you busy yourself with other matters, other dates, and you do not reach out at all.  It is not easy and it takes self-discipline, but it can be done.

In order to prevent copyright infringement, this blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" releasing in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

 

On The Outside Looking In

 

Speak to Brigid Bishop Live

 

 

 *Reposted at the request of Alicia!   7/23/08*

This is for you my dear friend!

 

Tarot Tips by Brigid Bishop:  Timing and the Tarot

When?  When?  When?

The most difficult skill in interpreting tarot is pinning down time.  Many querents fail to realize that the timing of events is static to begin with, many factors can change or “adjust” the timing of predictive readings.

The first and foremost factor that affects timing is any action that is taken by the querent that was not premeditated at the time the reading was given.  For instance, the most common question asked is “When will he/she contact me next?”

We do a spread and it looks like a one week to ten day period.  First of all, in the divulging of timing, if I say “one week to ten days”, it may actually be day ELEVEN that the contact occurs in, I am NOT a pinpointed timing reader.  Anyway, we get a read with this timeframe and the querent gets “antsy” and picks up the phone, calls and leaves a voicemail or sends a text……the Free Will of the querent has changed the situation and the reading is no longer valid.  Yes, at times, taking the bull by the horns like this may push things to happen more quickly, but, more often than not, it pushes things back.  (See my blog on Masculine and Feminine Energies for more info):  The Dating Game, Exploring Masculine and Feminine Energies

Anyway, to calculate timing in a reading, I use a combination of several different methods.  First of all, I generally use a spread that divulges timing based on the position of the cards.  The positions give me a “guesstimate” of the timing.  We have positions that include, but are not limited to, one to two weeks, three to six weeks, three to six months, and six months to a year.  The cards themselves relate to timing as well, certain cards indicate immediate action, certain cards are passive and hint at delay, etc.  Where they land in the spread aids in the interpretation of “when”. 

I also take into consideration the parochial version of tarot, which assigns Wands to Spring, Cups to Summer, Swords to Autumn and Pentacles to Winter, and then, secondarily, the Aces are the first week, the Twos are the second week and so on, this is taken into consideration as well.

The general intuitive or “psychic” interpretation I get when looking at the spread as a whole is also a key factor in calculating timing.

There is also a method that I can use, but rarely do over the phone unless the querent requests it (it is not “quick” and you are paying by the minute, so I only perform upon request).  This is where they want to count off the days or weeks or months until an event.  The question is asked, such as “How many days until he calls?”, I shuffle and cut and begin flipping over and counting out the cards until I hit an Ace, that is your answer.  Obviously, there are 78 cards in the deck, and the first Ace could possibly be card number 74, this is not a quick method when reading by phone, but if requested, I will perform it for you.

So, calculating timing is a complex process and it is very difficult to pinpoint to an “exact” day.  Usually, in my readings, if I see an event in days, I am only off by a day or two, if I see it in weeks, it may vary by a week or two, if I see the answer in months, it may vary by a month or two, but the event will ultimately happen, it’s just difficult to pin down, it’s like sticking your hand into a bucket of water and wanting the hole to remain after you pull your hand out……water seeks its’ own level, and events happen in their own time, I can give you my best estimate through Tarot, but I do not claim to be exact.

Generally, the closer in the event is, the more clearly it comes up in the cards, and the more "exact" the timing is.

Please be sure to visit Brigid Bishop to receive an ethical and professional tarot consultation.

 

Learn How To Choose the Right Advisor for YOU 



He Left His Wife!  Now What?

by Brigid Bishop

Ok, you had been in the midst of a fairly serious affair with this married man. You survived all of the mayhem as discussed in my blog Cheating and Affairs  and now you think you’re troubles are over.

Stop.

This is not the end of your problems, it is just a new set of challenges.

There are two ways that this situation can go.  Let’s explore both of them.

Scenario One

The married man you love has left his wife and your relationship is still “iffy”.

Scenario Two

The married man you love has left his wife and he is making definitive plans for a future with you.

In Scenario One you may be dealing with a man who has spent years in an unwanted marriage, and although the time you had together may have had it’s good points, and you may have thought that he loved you, he may feel that he has been living his life in a very restrictive manner and the divorce now gives him the freedom to live as truly single again.

Your relationship with him may start to suffer.  He may blame you for his divorce, pick fights for no reason, cheat on you, or outright leave you.

Some men, when they divorce, get a feeling of “out of the frying pan and into the fire” and they will never commit to the woman that they were with when they left their marriage.  This happens in about 50% of the cases I have worked with when the man does exit his marital commitment.

Many times the catalyst to the breakup of the affair in question is the pressure that the woman who has been waiting for years applies to the man to progress the relationship.  The woman may feel that she has spent more than enough time waiting for this to be real, and now that he is “free”, he should immediately commit to her.

The man in question, as stated, may need a period of time to spread his wings, sow his wild oats again, and you, the woman in waiting, may find that not only is your waiting not over, but the relationship itself may be falling to pieces just when you thought your dreams were coming true.

In some cases, this stage, or breakup, may only be temporary, however, more often than not, this is when the affair loses its’ appeal and things start riding the highway to hell.

Scenario Two

Your married man left his wife with the explicit intention of building a life with you, and he has made that very clear to you.

Good for you.  Now, perhaps, you believe that you can really start your relationship for real and that you can have a fresh start.

Although this scenario, rare as it is, can initially be a very happy one for the two of you as a couple, you’re not out of the woods yet.

First of all, there may well be a very difficult (and expensive) divorce proceeding for your married man to contend with.  Child custody battles, drawn out settlement negotiations are common.  Divorces of this type are usually much more vindictive than any other type of divorce because of the involvement of the third party (you), no one likes to be cheated on, and your married man’s soon to be ex may be trying to hurt him in any way(s) she can to punish him for cheating. 

Even worse, the soon-to-be ex-wife is even more hurt and angry because if she is aware that he intends to build a future with you, he has moved on very quickly and that stings.  No one likes to be replaced,  especially before they are “gone”.  So be prepared for a nasty divorce battle.

Now, there is his family to contend with.  Do you actually believe that his children and his parents are going to welcome you with open arms?  To be realistic, the children may very well hate you for the rest of their lives for disrupting their home life.  Even if it wasn’t happy, and the parents were fighting a lot, it was the “norm” and their dad was a part of their day-to-day living, and now you “took him away”.  They are likely to resent you big time.  If the ex-wife is particularly vindictive, she will poison the children in many ways against you and probably against him too.  This does not make for a happy foundation for a blended family.

Finances may be difficult for a long time to come when the divorce is over.  He will likely have child support and possibly alimony as well, so you will have to continue to contribute to the financial stability of your pairing, more so than if this situation did not exist.  Be aware that you may begin to resent the additional financial burdens that the ex-wife and children present, the younger the children, the longer you are restricted.

He may still be required to live a separate life when it comes to his children.  To keep peace he may have to keep his relationship with his children separate from you, it happens very often, so keep your fantasies of a happy blended family to a minimum.

His parents may or may not accept you, it will depend upon your individual circumstances, so again, you may feel like you are still an outsider.

You will also need to be concerned about joint assets.  Suppose he moves into the home you already own and you marry.  Be sure you have a will defining how your assets will be distributed.  What if you have children as well, if you die first and do not define who the house goes to in your will, your now-husband will inherit it automatically, and then when he passes on who gets it?  Your kids?  His kids?  You must look at the situation realistically to protect yourself as well as any children you have on your own.

As time goes on, the situation may improve, children grow up, exes move on, people adapt, but be aware that these are just a few of the challenges you may face when you enter into this volatile situation.

People fall in and out of love all of the time.  Your situation is not unusual to say the least, but it is more challenging in the obstacles and pressures that come your way due to the way that it began.  Keep that in mind.



Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.


On The Outside Looking In

Brigid Bishop Relationship Coach

 

 

Have You Read Brigid Bishop's Classic Blogs?

 

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

The Bridal Bouquet

(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

 

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

On The Outside Looking In 

Doing The Relationship Limbo?

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships

He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

 

 

 



HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.

Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



Myth:  Tarot Cards must be a gift, you should not buy your own tarot cards.

Truth:  You most certainly should purchase your own tarot cards.  Your decks should be selected based on what you are drawn to, which deck calls out to you, what artwork inspires you, makes you feel good, makes you want to grab the deck off the shelf and open it up before you even get back to your car.........the deck should choose you too!

Myth:  You should not read your own tarot cards.

Truth:  Tarot was originally developed as a tool for spiritual growth, based on the Qabbalah and the Judeo-Christian Bible and NOT for divinatory usage.  Divination using tarot came about because after a time tarot was hidden, esoteric, only religious scholars understood it, therefore, skilled tarot readers did not exist.  You actually should read your own cards, and frequently, to develop self-understanding.

Myth:  If it comes up in your cards, it will definitely happen.

Truth:  If it comes up in your cards it is likely to happen, however, based upon your course of action moving forward, you can change it.

I like to use this example.  A man calls me for a reading asking if he is going to get a new job.  Up until the time he calls me for a reading, he has been putting his resume out there, networking, etc.  I read his cards.  I get a strong yes.  The timing comes up as about six weeks out.

Reading over.  The man decides that since it is in the cards his work is done, he stops aggressively seeking a new job and calls me in seven weeks to tell me he has not been contacted or got any leads on a new position.  He changed his course of action and changed the outcome.  For a reading to remain "intact", so to speak, you must continue with the same course of action.  The reverse is also true, if you do not like the outcome of your reading it is possible to change it.

Here's another example, a woman calls and asks if an ex is going to contact her to reconcile.  The cards show a yes, the contact occurs, however, the woman decides that she is going to make it difficult for the man to come back into her life and rejects his initial offers of reconciliation. 

The woman calls for a one or two minute check-in for a few weeks on a regular basis and contacts show in the cards and continue to occur, however the woman is not yet ready to accept the man back and continues to say no to his attempts at getting back together.  The cards do start to show weakening on the part of the man in attempting to continue contact and the woman is advised that he may give up if no progress is made, yet, the pattern continues.

The woman calls again and asks when contact will occur again (not if).  The cards are thrown and the answer is ambivalent, (yes the cards can show ambivalence), the contact looks like it may occur in three to seven days, however, it seems that he is having a hard time deciding if he should risk rejection yet again. 

The man does not make the contact, the woman calls for another reading and the cards show that due to her rejecting his initial attempts at reconciliation he has decided to let go.  Were the cards wrong?  No.  The woman's free will changed the ultimate outcome of the situation.  In order for her to now reach her goal, if she chooses to do so, she will need to change her behavior and at this point, she may need to initiate contact herself (if she wants to reconcile with this particular man).

Tarot Card readings are not set in stone, at each step along the way your own actions and reactions can change the outcome of any given situation.  The best approach to Tarot is to keep you ultimate goals and desires in mind and act accordingly, consulting the cards as to your best course of action in order to achieve those goals and desires when the need arises.

 

Relationships From All Angles by Brigid Bishop

 

On The Outside Looking In

Practical Advice for Choosing an Advisor

I consider myself a very professional and ethical Reader, and as such, I feel it my duty to educate any who are willing to learn, on the practice of choosing an advisor that will provide you with a value-added experience, and not false hope or even worse, dark despair.

When we are in a crisis and searching for answers, we need to reach out and seek those answers. This is natural. Perhaps our friends and support network are tiring of hearing our lament, or we want to keep our problems private from those close to us, this is when we reach out to readers.

The problem is, there are many so-called "advisors" out there who do not have the skills, education or experience to provide you with professional counsel. If you are not careful you could end up on the phone with a "card flipper" who considers reading the insert that came with their tarot deck as an understanding of the tarot, or worse, someone claiming to be psychic who is pulling answers out of the air for you.

When you are looking for an advisor, I strongly recommend that you steer clear first and foremost of those who claim to use "no tools" and say that they are psychic, clairvoyant, clairaudient, clairsentient, etc. etc. etc., unless someone you trust has recommended them to you or you have some particular intuitive draw to the advisor. 

 Although some of these claimants may well possess a talent in one or a few of these areas, it is very difficult to validate. If a reader is using tarot, you know that they are using a tool that mankind has utilized for centuries to tap into the human psyche, and you are able to question them as to how they are divining their interpretation, thus achieving validation through the interpretation of the cards.  I have nothing against using someone claiming psychic abilities, but be sure that someone has recommended them to you or you have some other reason to feel comfortable with their abilities.

NEVER and I mean NEVER go to someone who claims to be 100% accurate.

NO ONE is 100% accurate, it is impossible.  As well as those who claim to be 99.9% accurate and so forth.  There is NO MEASURABLE WAY to track an advisor's accuracy, so any claims of a stated percentage of accuracy, in mathematical terms, is FALSE!

PLEASE BE SURE TO THOROUGHLY READ THE ADVISOR LISTINGS.  IF THE LISTING SAYS THAT THE ADVISOR DOES NOT PROVIDE GENERAL READINGS, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT THEM AND EXPECT THEM TO GIVE YOU A GENERAL READING.  IF THEY DO NOT PROVIDE A SERVICE THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN AND CLEARLY STATE IT, PLEASE LOOK FOR AN ADVISOR WHO DOES!  You can also email an advisor before hand and ask how much information they need to read for you.  Myself, I need a clear question and the first names of the persons involved.  Asking me "What can you tell me about Joe?" is not a clear question.  Asking me "What are Joe's intentions, thoughts and feelings toward me?" IS a clear question. 

You are looking for projections in human behavior, and humans, even the most banal humans, are quixotic at best, and at any given moment can change. A humble reader is going to be honest and direct with you, and state to you that this is what is "likely" to happen, no reading is written in stone. Each interaction you have, or the person you are reading about has, following a reading, can possibly change the course.

You cannot possibly ask every foreseeable question, therefore, you cannot know for certain what the chain of events that happen after your reading will cause.

The rule of thumb is: If you like the outcome of your reading, stick to the same path, make no changes, if you do not like the outcome of the reading you receive, consult the cards and ask, what, if anything, can be done to change the outcome, and adjust your course of actions accordingly.

Look for readers who are experienced, perhaps they have been reading for many years, perhaps they have written a book (like myself), or have some type of credential or verification to show that they are serious about what they are doing. 

Choose a reader with life experience, a work history in the mainstream in a position of managing other people, experience as a parent, step-parent, a reader who has been married, perhaps divorced, someone who has lived life and experienced difficulties, preferably with experience in the situation you, yourself, are dealing with.  You wouldn't ask a childless person for parenting advice, so why would you ask a person who has not had a healthy relationship in years for advice?  They have no insight.

Just as you would not ask a homemaker for business advice, why would you call someone who has never held a position in business for career advice?  Be careful as to who you contact for advice.  Relationship advice, seek someone with a history of successful relationships.

Okay, now you've found a reader who seems mature, experienced and educated.

If at any time, any reader, tells you they can "fix" your problem for a fee, (by burning candles, casting spells, etc.), disconnect immediately and never call them again. They are trying to take advantage of you and they are not ethical. Although the practice of spell-casting is recognized by many religions, as are candle burning rituals, these practices should be done by you, yourself, for maximum potency, and if you have an interest in performing these spells or rituals, many ethical readers will teach you how to do them for yourself as part of your reading sessions and not offer to do them "for you".  Your energy needs to be a part of any ritual work and is only totally effective if YOU do it YOURSELF.

Now, you found someone who has all of the qualifications we've discussed and is ethical as well. To get the most out of your reading, don't call them up and say "tell me about my love life". You will get what is known as a "cold read". This is not necessarily inaccurate, but it will be very general and not as in depth as you would like. The cards are multifaceted, and not knowing the nature of your situation will make it much more difficult than it has to be for the reader to tap into your situation. You wouldn't go to a counselor and sit down and say "Tell me how to fix my life", would you? It's the same with an advisor.

For instance, you ask a vague question about where your relationship with so-and-so is going and the Two of Cups appears at the base of the reading.

The advisor can interpret this in several ways to say the least.

This could mean you two are married, were married in the past, are very much in love, or that your current love interest is married to someone else, or that he or she was married in the past.... a lot can be deciphered by the surrounding cards, but why make the reader guess, it takes the focus off delivering clarity and puts the pressure on the reader to "prove themselves".

Instead, when you contact a reader, give them a brief summary of your current situation, and then ask your question. It will save you time and money and you will get a much clearer and concise reading from your advisor, thus, more quickly cutting to the chase of what you may need to do in order to achieve your goals.

Please understand that tarot reading, despite how it has been viewed and how some readers present it, is not a cure-all and end-all as to what is going to happen in your future. It is a guide, a tool, to help you to make the choices that are right for you, to help you to see what the potential of your situation is and to hopefully inspire you to grow and to learn. Tarot should help you to let go of situations that no longer work for you, give you projections of what is likely in store for you, teach you how to be prepared for what is coming down the road toward you and give you insight into other peoples' thinking and their feelings.

So, I hope this helps you the next time you are cruising for a reading to make an intelligent and wise choice in who you choose to let into your psyche.

Peace!

Brigid Bishop

 

 

You May Also Enjoy:  "You Are Who You Meet!"

 

Retrograde Schmetrograde!

 

The Newly "BED" Game

 

 The Proper Usage of the Transitional Man

 

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

 

Thyme In a Bottle

 

Why Do People Cheat?

 

What is Your Power Animal?

 

The Bridal Bouquet

(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

 

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

 

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

 

On The Outside Looking In

 

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

 

If I am not available, please try a well-qualified Advisor in my group:

 

 Advisors Trusted by Brigid Bishop .

 

 

For further insight, Read "See Dick Run"

 

A Hindu saint, who was visiting river Ganges to take bath, found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other.

He turned to his disciples smiled and asked. "Why do angry people shout at each other?" Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, "Because we lose our calm, we shout."

"But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner," asked the saint.

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples. Finally the saint explained... "When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small…"

The saint continued, "When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other."

He looked at his disciples and said. "So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return."

Author Unknown

Conflict and Calm

 

Think about the most difficult and trying times you have had in your life.  Think about the obstacles you have overcome, the battles you have won and the growth you have experienced...

In each and every instance you have become stronger, and should those same challenges once again loom ahead of you, well, since you've handled it before, you really may not be challenged by them again.

You may be going through a difficult time right now, but you may also be failing to recognize that you have made it through difficulties before.  Remember how you felt when you overcame your obstacles, rose to your challenges, conquered your fears...

You will make it through this difficult period as well.

 

 

When times are tough, consider this quote by Carl Jung:

 

The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed.

It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.

 

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

 

.How Did Brigid Bishop Become a Professional Tarot Reader?

When I tell my professors that I operate my own small business in addition to attending school full-time, it inevitably happens that they ask me what my business is.  When I first returned to school, I felt very awkward and uncomfortable in disclosing what it is I actually do.  After all, I am working toward becoming a Psychologist, and these people have already earned their PhD's in Psychology, Sociology, Biology, Mathematics, and a myriad of other fields.

Although the majority of my clients tend to be professionals, doctors, lawyers, politicians, and highly educated in their own right, I still feel the old "hooga booga" vibe from time to time before I spout my twelve year history of being a New Age Life Coach who uses tarot and astrology, in addition to mainstream coaching methods.  Generally, I first inform them that I have a twenty year history of manufacturing experience primarily in the printing industry at a managerial level, and THEN go on to describe how I wrote a book on Tarot, and launched my newest career.  This kind of smooths things over in preparing them to hear what my current unusual and unorthodox career is.

I am not embarrassed in the least by what I do, quite the contrary, however, I do not appreciate my career being potentially scoffed at as there are still a lot of skeptics out there.

So, I begin by disclosing that I am a Life Coach, and over time, I continue to disclose my tools.  What makes me different from the average service provider in my field, is that in addition to my intuitive interpretations of the cards, I also provide a "coaching" service, if a client is willing to take the extra step and take full advantage of my talents.  (The enlightened client will take advantage of this service).

My Life Coaching is inclusive of taking a psycho dynamic, behavioral, and cognitive psychological approach in guiding you to achieve your goals.  This is blending science with the metaphysical, and is very effective. 

As I've been working here for over a dozen years I find that there are two types of clients.  The average client, who is looking for a purely "psychic" prediction and assumes they have no control over the outcome of their situation, and the intelligent client, those who are high in critical thinking skills and realize that an intuitive interpretation of the tarot is not sufficient, they want to contribute and actively participate in achieving their desired outcomes, or learn how to better cope if the outcome they desire is not likely to manifest.  This is probably why the bulk of my repeat clients are professionals, they are educated, and possess critical thinking skills beyond those who are relying on purely "psychic" interpretations.

It is no coincidence that "psychology" and "psychic" begin with the same syllable, "psy" means "of the mind".  If you truly want a rewarding experience "of the mind" then I am likely the person you wish to speak to.  Psychology by definition is the study of the human mind and it's functions, most especially those relating to human behavior.  "Psychic" is defined as of, relating to, affecting, or influenced by the human mind or psyche, who better to accurately predict human behavior than an advisor well versed in both.  With this knowledge and skill set, I am also able to coach you as to how to bring about the reactions you desire in any persons involved in your situation, or, if they are not subject to be influenced by your actions, coach you as to how to cope with accepting your situation as it is, or letting it go and moving forward.

So, as my professors have come to know me for who I am and what I do, they see the value of the service I provide, respect my approach, and encourage me to join their ranks at the prestigious academic level of "PhD".

Brigid Bishop, as I said, is NOT your average "Card Flipper".  Give me a call for a discriminating and critical analysis of your situation and start making your relationships work for you, achieving your career goals, and living your life to the fullest! 
Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Where are you at with your relationship style?

Independence?

In “Deep End”-ness

Co “Deep End”-ness

Inter “Deep End”-ness

Picture the realm of relationships as a big swimming pool. You are in the deep end of the pool.

If you are in “independent” mode, you are swimming around all by yourself, doing fine, getting out and diving in off the high dive, unaffected by the other swimmers around you. You are an individual and you are not connecting with others at this time, you are focused on yourself and yourself alone. You may take an occasional date with another swimmer, but you prefer to swim alone most of the time.

If you are in “codependent” mode, well, you won’t go in the water alone. Someone must always be with you. A lifeguard must always be around. When you dive in you immediately swim over to another swimmer and begin to cling on to them, they frequently push you away. You may feel like you are drowning and no one is helping you. The more you try to cling to another swimmer, the more you are pushed away and you thrash around and swallow water and end up hanging on to the side of the pool coughing and crying. It’s not much fun in the pool for you, but you keep trying.

If you are in “interdependent” mode, you have a great time at the relationship pool. You have one special partner that you swim with on a regular basis. You may synchronize your swim into a beautiful dance in the waters of relationship, when you go to the diving board to try a new move, your partner is there in the water below waiting and watching to be sure you are safe, spotting you while you dive, and you do the same for them. When your swim time is over, you are both comfortable going your separate ways as you know that you will meet back at the pool again soon for another dip, and you feel secure about the other person.

I am a firm believer in interdependence. Independence is fine, it is healthy, but in relationships we have to know how to let people in. Independence can become lonely if we refuse to join in the fun going on in the relationship pool, but there are times when we want to be alone, perhaps we are healing over a bad breakup or just not ready because we have other priorities right now, raising children or career, etc., but don’t swim alone for so long that you forget how to connect.

Codependence is a horrible, anxiety ridden state to exist in. We feel like we are nothing unless we can define ourselves by our relationships, behaviors while in codependent mode can escalate to cyber stalking, and worse, physical stalking. We want others in our lives so bad that we drive them away because we don’t have the self-discipline to let our relationships develop naturally. We tend to go through relationships faster and in higher numbers than most. They all seem to start off promising enough, but within a month or two we are back on the side of the pool crying and coughing. If you are in codependent mode, it may be wise for you to try the independent mode for several months to readjust your relationship goggles and your approach to relationships in general. Once we have mastered independence, we have a much higher success rate at moving on to interdependence.

Ah, interdependence, to me, it is the way all healthy relationships should operate. You and your loved one are secure in knowing that you are there for each other, you are capable of being together, happily, and also of pursuing other interests and friendships without fear or insecurity. There is no need to check up on each other or doubt anything because you have established trust, respect and love. To gain interdependence you and your partner must spend the necessary time in the relationship pool, getting to know each other and enjoying each other, but you must also learn to respect each other’s boundaries and to give each other space.

What is your style of swimming in the relationship pool?

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.

Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



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