Alphafemale 2000 - Solara

Forewarned is Forearmed!!
Thoughts from the Farside
A running diary of strange, mostly silly, & random thoughts.  I've privately kept one for years. Now I'm writing one for public consumption because I'm fearless like that.

August 30th, 2018:

Cranky and Logic Do Not Mix...
A friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for five years.  She smokes and he hates it so she has tried to "hide" her smoking from him over the years.  He constantly checks his Facebook account, is a "serial poster," and she has always hated that.  So here they are today:
Him:  You smell like cigarettes.
Her:  Yeah?  Well you smell like Facebook!!!
Him:  ....

April 8th, 2018:

My Felonious Family...
Ma:  You haven't been to a family barbecue in years!  So you are coming to this one whether you like it or not, missy!
Me: I didn't come to them because the agency frowned upon having agents who congregated with others to commit criminal acts, Mama.  But hey, now that I'm retired?  Sure, I'll come.  Catching a RICO charge sounds like a good time.
Ma: ...

March 9th, 2018:

Well, when you put it that way...
Her: So, can you ask the Angels questions for yourself?  Do you ask Them a lot of questions?
Me: I can, yeah.  I just don't have that many questions.  Oh, wait--I do get lost a lot when I drive different places.  I can't even tell you how many times I've asked and the Angels will direct me back on the right path with, "turn around," or, "turn left/right."
Her after a silent pause: You use your Angels.  As a GPS.
Me after a longer silent pause: Ummm...yes?  It sounds so bad the way you say it.

February 11th, 2018:

You Kids Get Off My Lawn!
Sitting at a noisy pub with a few other people, the guy next to me asked the manager to turn up the sound on the music coming out of the speakers overhead.  Once I could hear the song better, I recognized it as the opening riff for Wish You were Here by Pink Floyd.  Then...
Me: Oh!  I love this song!
Guy: You like Avenged Sevenfold??
Me: Huh?  This is Pink Floyd.
Guy: Who?? No.  It's A7--Avenged Sevenfold's new song.
Me: What.  How old are you?
Guy: I was born in 1994.
Me: Yeah, no.  Stop talking.  You're not old enough to talk to me yet.
Guy: ...

I looked up the song when I got home (of course I did.  Because, Google).  It's really a very good remake of the original.
But that conversation, man.  I've probably replayed it in my mind more than a dozen times.  And each time I replay it, I'm bothered.  Not because of what Mr. 1994 might have thought.  But like, because I feel like the time is rapidly approaching where I will turn into that one old guy who's life purpose has become sitting on his porch in hopes of catching trespassers so I can yell, "Hey!  You kids get off my lawn!"  Sooo...old age.  This shit is really happening.  Crazy.

January 18th, 2018:

It's All About Perspective...
One of my cousins who lives at the Northern border of Minnesota called me to ask how my new year was going.  Being that it's a freezing 51 degrees here in South Florida and it was foremost on my mind because it's too cold for my daily walk on the beach, I went into a short, two sentence rant about how upset I was because it's not supposed to get this cold in this part of the state!  Clearly this was the wrong thing to complain about as my cousin interrupted me with a rather looong rant that included new nicknames for me and instruction on what real winter weather and freezing temperatures are like...

November 09, 2017:

It's Been Awhile But Baby, I'm Back...
Man, it's so weird coming here and seeing that I haven't posted in well-over a year.  My photo hosting site has hosed me and I need to clean up my rolling post here.  I could explain but, who wants to hear excuse, yeah? 
Like Staind, I'll just say, "It's Been Awhile..." and like Baby Bash said, "Baby I'm Back, yeah..."
July 19th, 2016:

Seeing People Create Tools to Help Others Gives Me the Warm-and-Fuzzies...
I think I've mentioned before that I have a slight Google addiction, yeah?
So.  In the wee hours of the night I got this brilliant idea (*insert eye roll here*) that I would do a Google search on...Google addictions.

Color me shocked to find a ton of computer apps created for both Google addicts and cell phone addicts! Ha!  Who knew?!

I hadn't thought about people being addicted to their cell phones but then I thought of all of the times I've seen people checking their phone every five minutes and then I could totally see it being an addiction.

So, yay, yeah?  Because, you know, maybe some of the addicted have both Google and cell phone addictions and can use these computer apps to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Then I started reading the descriptions of these self-help apps and how to use them.  Each and every app designed to help you with your cell phone or Google addiction?  You download and use one of two places:  on your cell phone or, in Google Play on your computer...  

July 17th, 2016:

What You See Is What You Get
The only obstacles you will encounter in your adult life are the ones you create in your mind. 

July 16th, 2016:

The Benefits of Having Children

After telling Ma the weird outcome of something I tried to do, here's me: Stop.  Laughing!  You know, I'm pretty sure the only reason you gave birth to me is so you'd always have someone around to laugh at.
Not even trying to control herself, here's Ma: Oh, hon-ney!  That's not true! Though, I will admit it was an unforeseen benefit that I just don't get with your brother and sister.

July 15th, 2016:

How's That Working Out For You?
So, you made plans, huh?
*coughs to get laughter under control*
See, this is why I love you.  You always make me laugh.

June 3rd, 2016:

At A Loss For Words...
My sister called today to tell me she just found out she has colon cancer--a malignant tumor in her colon.  She's always been a worry-wort and somewhat of a hypochondriac whereas I'm the polar opposite.  I've always been able to tell her, "You're making a mountain out of a molehill.  Everything will be fine; stop worrying so much!"
I can't tell her that this time. 
Any response just seems so trite, you know? 
This is totally and completely outside my experience.  It feels utterly surreal not to have a clue what to say to someone who just found out their life has an expiration date.

March 23rd, 2016:

You Just Never Know...

I was in the store yesterday when I saw this lady using a magnifying glass to try to read a box label (they make the words so small now, yeah??). I stopped to ask if I could help her so she has me reading labels to compare ingredients & caloric value of different flavors of Ritz.
Then she asks me my name, tells me hers (Cookie) & tells me she's getting ready to go on a cruise & is trying to slim down a bit....

Cookie is 89 years old wearing a shimmery orange track suit, bouffant hair, & thick round glasses. Total. Cuteness.
Cookie & I are standing there & she's telling me about how she and her husband moved down here from "the Borough" (NYC--one of the 5 boroughs) fifteen years ago, telling me about her kids, grandkids, great grandkids & how she now has one great-great grandkid! Then, here comes this cute lil old guy up behind me who bellows "Woman!" in a thick NY accent.

This is Cookie's husband
Frankie introduces himself, tells me I have pretty hair and he likes my perfume and then turns to Cookie & says "No. Not that one. I don't like it. Woman, let's go! You're wasting time." then starts trucking down the aisle. Cookie whispers, "he's so impatient! I'll just sneak this in the cart & hide it in the cabinet."
Frankie is now on the opposite end of the aisle and again bellows, "Woman!"
Cookie tells me she & Frankie will be back from their cruise on the 9th so she'll see me when she gets back.
Cookie swiftly moved to where Frankie stood waiting. Frankie turns to me and yells down the aisle, calling out my name and says he'll see me in a couple of weeks. He puts his arm around Cookie's shoulder and the two stroll off like they're on a date strolling through the park.

I am totally in love with these two. They made my day yesterday and when I think of them, I still can't help but smile.

You just never know where you'll meet new friends, yeah?
And I am SO going to Publix on April 9th to look for Frankie & Cookie to see how they enjoyed their cruise.

March 21st, 2016:

If I Stay or If I Go...
If I love you then I will always love you.  Whether I continue to show you my love depends more upon your love for me than mine for you.

March 8th, 2016:

Which One Are You?
So I was eating dinner last night when it occurred to me that there are three types of people:
There are the type who don't want any of the different foods on their dinner plates to touch one another and keeping the dishes separate is serious business.  The second type are those who don't mind if the different foods touch as long as the items aren't mixed and can still be eaten separately.  And then there are the ones who really don't care about separation of the meat, potatoes or peas and have a tendency to mix it all up into some kind of goulash. 
I'm thinking I'm the latter type but I don't know if I'm supposed to admit that or, exactly what that says about me.

February 19th, 2016:

Leap Year.  Who knew?
I was doing my schedule for next week when I realized this is a leap year! I started wondering about leap year babies and how they celebrate their birthday.  I also realized I've never known a leap year baby.  How odd.  I have questions for them, man!
So, of course, the itchy-scratchies (I made that word up) of my Google addiction kicked in and I discovered all kinds of interesting things!  Like, there are more than four million of these Leap Year people running around!  Why don't I know one?! 

Leap Year people even have their own society, man!  And they get to choose their own birthday on non-leap day years!  How cool is that?!

February 13th, 2016:

People Are Strange, When You're A Stranger...
I was in one of the long lines at the grocery store today.  As people do when they are bored and waiting, I was looking around when I saw this interesting guy step into the waiting line next to mine.
I say he was interesting because he had a lot of piercings in his face--his forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, and even one in the bridge of his nose (ouch!).  The guy also had this multi-colored mohawk that looked like a rainbow.
When Pierced Rainbow Man noticed me looking at him he growled, "What the F-- are you looking at?!"
I shrugged my shoulders, twirled my index finger at his head and said, "Just looking at all that stuff you got going there.  Does--"
Then, before I could ask him a question about a couple of the piercings, Pierced Rainbow Man told me to go somewhere and do something sexual to myself. 

Okayyyy.  Cool.  Probably he's not going to answer my question.  So I smiled, nodded, and then we ignored one another until we both went about our lives.

So here I am preoccupied and confused by this guy's attitude.  More importantly--I still don't know if that ball piercing in the bridge of his nose affects his eyesight!  Dang it!

February 12th, 2016:

Google at Your Own Risk...

This morning I was feeling wild and reckless so I decided to peruse random websites via Google.  If you know Google as I know Google then you know this can be a dangerous endeavor.
I found myself on a website talking about past lives.  The article talked about how the phobias and fear you have in this lifetime are carried over from what happened to you in your past life (or lives).  Interesting, huh?
So.  I'm thinking about this, right?  What are my my fears and phobias?? 
Well, I actually don't have that many fears or phobias but, the few I do have are:
1.  I can't stand to have anything around my neck--it feels like I'm suffocating.
2.  I have a ginormous (huge!) fear of sharks.  A fear so intense that if someone yells "shark!" when I am in a pond, I lose all control, forget how to swim, and sink like a stone (I know this to be true because I have a everyone-but-me-thought-it-was-hilarious true story about this from my youth).
3.  I freak-the-hell out if I am restrained.  I hyperventilate, pass out, the whole nine.
Soooo...if that web article is right, all evidence points to me having died by hanging in one past life, died by being tossed off the bow of a ship into shark-infested waters in another life, and died by being tied up and probably tortured and then stoned to death in a third past life.
Lovely.  Just lovely.  Now I can't stop wondering what horrific death awaits me in this life.
I think I need to stop random Googling...

February 11th, 2016:

I Can Trump You Every Time
Chances are you can clearly remember at least one incident in your past where one of your parents has said something in front of your friends or in public that embarrassed you.  Depending upon just how unique your parents are, the incident ranged from an affectionate eye-roll with a "that's my mom!"  to a serious cringe with a "Why God? Why?!  Just kill me now!"
We later share these my-mom-is-worse-than-yours incidents with friends to de-stress (and one-up one another).  We certainly can't tell our moms how embarrassing an incident was because, if your mom is like my mom, she takes this as a personal challenge and looks for future opportunities to up the bar on her past actions.
So I recently had a my-mom-is-more-off-her-rocker-than-yours conversation with a long distance acquaintance/friend that reminded me--I can trump any complaint anyone ever has in this arena.  Want proof?  Here's how my convo with the friend went:
Friend: Ohmygod!  Girl, you are not going to believe what my mom just did!!
Me: What?
*Friend tells me embarrassing incident involving a machete, the threat of a lap dance, public announcement about menopause, and how she doesn't see the purpose of thongs.
After I stop laughing, here's me:  Sister, that's not...that bad.
Friend: You don't understand!  She did this in front of ____ (boyfriend) and all of my neighbors!
Me:  Dude.  My mom thinks I'm an alien and she tells everyone.
Friend:  Uh...a what?
Me:  An alien.  You know, as in E.T. phone home?  She's serious.  She says an alien body-snatched me when I was a kid and took over.
Friend laughing: Um, okayyy.  Well at least she doesn't swing a machete at--
Me: Girl.  She tells everyone I'm an alien.  The neighbors, strangers, people sitting next to us at the casino.  She even told her doctor when I went with her to see him.
Friend still laughing: Yeah, but--
Me: Dude.  No buts.  She's dead serious.  I'm an alien.  She's so bad about telling anyone and their brother this tidbit that I've learned to forewarn any of my friends if they are going to be meeting her, man!  Shit.  I wish my mom would just talk about menopause, thongs and wave a machete around because that's some ol'-lady-crazy-shit everyone accepts and thinks is cute.  But, no.  I get the mom who seriously believes I'm an alien.
Friend still laughing: Yeah, but--
Me: Alien.
Friend: But--
Me: Ay-lee-en.  Alien.
Friend: Fine.  You win.

See?  Told you I could trump anyone in this arena. 

February 10th, 2016:

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...
Soooo....I had to look up the proper spelling for 'loogie' today (don't ask).  I thought it was spelled 'loogey' or 'loogee' but, no. 
What I want to know is, who decided the slang word for a big honkin' ball of accumulated snot and saliva was to be spelled with an -ie and then entered this spelling into English law.  Really.  Who decides these things?  Is there a panel?  A convention?  If there is, can I submit questions to them?  Like, I want to know: exactly what were you all smoking when you determined how zucchini, receipt, and opossum were going to be spelled?!
These are serious questions we should be asking ourselves.

January 21st, 2016:

Everything Is Relative...

A friend of mine called today and said she'd called me several times before but I hadn't answered.  She wanted to know if I'd been out "lost on the beach again" (as I tend to do).  I told her, "no, it's way too cold today! It's like down in the lower sixties, man!"  My friend replied, "Oh STFU, you whiner! There's a blizzard here and it's in the single digits!"
Okay.  Point to her.  But in my head I was still grumbling because it was cold!  Dammit!

June 11th, 2015:

My personal spin on a popular phrase:
 photo 01b249dc-e6d7-4e4a-9a22-83825ea4376c_zpsphmkcmfe.jpg

May 31st, 2015:

I KNEW There Was a Word For it!

 photo 20118fbb-4b41-421c-9b0c-dba3551c4e28_zpsfpg49bkk.jpg

May 30th, 2015:

WTF Was I Thinking Moment of the Day:
Went to the store and refused to pay $4.19 for a quart of ice cream because I thought that was just too expensive but had no problem getting a chocolate malt at Sonic's for $4.29 + tax.....

May 26th, 2015:

Just Say No To Drugs!

So, there's this person who stole claims to have written this one particular article that is on their personal website (and is referenced on their Facebook page).  The problem with this one particular article?  It's mine.  I wrote it.  Like, many, many years ago.
So, this plagiarist person has my article on their website--claiming authorship--and the only changes they made (to my article) are:
1.) they changed the title (but left my title as the first sentence of the article, lol), and,
2.) they removed my name from the ending after I said, "God Be With You," (at least they left the God Be With You part...nicely done). 

Sooooo....I contacted them and was like, "hey, that's my article you claim to have written and have a copyright on.  I don't mind you using it--a lot of people have-- but, could you kindly remove your name from the article I wrote?"
Their response:  "Can you prove you wrote it?  If you can prove you wrote it, I'll remove it." 

What I thought but didn't say to them: "Can I wha--? Seriously?!?!  Lady, are you high?! Wouldn't you know if you'd written the article??"
* (Okay, I thought some other stuff, too, but those other words include a lot (as in, a lot-a lot) of f-bombs and I don't think I'm allowed to say all of that here...)

May 25th, 2015:

Me: So what should I do?
Friend: I am not going to tell you what to do!
Me: Why not?!  I tell you what to do all the time!  Why can't you just give me the same courtesy?!

Friend: *giggling* Did you think about that before you said it?
Me: *pause then laugh* Not really.

May 20th, 2015:

My Friends Are Hilarious!
A friend of mine had put her four-year-old daughter to bed a couple of hours prior to calling me but the daughter kept getting up out of bed.  My friend had issued several (empty) threats to her daughter about what would happen if she didn't go back to bed and go to sleep.
On the umpteenth time that Baby Girl got out of bed, she came up to her mother and said she couldn't sleep because there were vampires in the closet.
My friend immediately replied, "There are no vampires in your closet!  I had the exterminators here just last month!"

May 4th, 2015:

Streets signs lie.  Sometimes.  Maybe.  I mean, it could happen.  Right?
So I'm driving and talking on the phone with a friend.  It's nighttime and I'm trying to retrace the route I'd taken earlier, when it was daylight.  I come to an overpass where I want to turn left but the street sign says I should go right (to get back to my city).   I'm talking out loud about the directions to my friend and I tell her what I want to do versus what the sign says to do.  She replies, "well, if the sign says go right, I'd go right." 
Ok.  Cool.  Logical, I guess.
I turn right, get onto the highway and there's another sign telling me to get off the highway at such-and-such exit and take a left. 
I tell my friend I don't think that's the right way to go.  My friend bursts out laughing and says, "You really don't trust anything!  Only you would have problems trusting street signs."
Okay.  So maybe I have some teeny, tiny, really small trust issues but, streets signs could be wrong.  I mean, what if the people who put them up didn't know what they were doing?  What if they weren't paying attention and had everyone going the wrong way?  You have to think about these things.  It could happen. 

April 22nd, 2015:

WARNING!  Cigarettes cause deafness!
So I'm talking to a friend of mine on the phone when she says, "wait, I couldn't hear you, I was smoking.  Gimme a sec....okay, now say it again?"

April 17th, 2015:

Dig it, Sisters.  Dig.  IT!!!
 photo WOMAN STRONG_zps3napwvan.jpg
(I do not own this pic--just fell in love with it & wanted to share). 

February 19th, 2015:

Mom's still got it
There should really be a point in life when your mom two-naming you--or God forbid, calling out your full name--stops working as an intimidation tactic.
I just haven't gotten there yet.

February 18th, 2015:

Shock & Awe
Note to Self:  Check the radio station on the alarm clock before going to sleep.  Waking up to some loud-ass auctioneer in the middle of auctioning off a cow was traumatizing enough the first time around that it need never (ever, ever, ever!) be repeated...

February 11th, 2015:

Just when I start thinking how smart my cat is, she starts trying to sneak up on--and then chase--her own tail; like it's not attached to her own ass...

January 28th, 2015:

Seems Realistic...
Dude.  This is SO my worst fear.  Well, okay, excluding the whole fall-out-of-a-boat-and-get-eaten-by-sharks thingy...but other than that, this is it!!!
 photo BIGGEST FEAR WHILE DRIVING_zps2ptkytup.jpg

January 24th, 2015:

This is why Pit Bulls bite people...just sayin'

 photo BECOME THE SQUIRREL_zpsn2kaj3ov.jpg

January 4th, 2015:

It was TO funny!!!
Ma posted this motivational poster on her Facebook timeline and I made the comment, "Yeah...and it's usually: Let's see, who can I F**k with TODAY?!"
Ma was not amused...(She never finds things as funny as I do.  Dammit!).
 photo one positive thought_zpsrjsnrphh.jpg

January 1st, 2015:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Best New Years Resolution Ever!  And probably the only one I'll be able to say I stuck with all year long...
 photo NY RESOLUTION_zpspjjsbp6b.jpg

November 24th, 2014:

Someone apparently knows me & decided to profit by selling t-shirts...
 photo INTERRUPTING PEOPLE_zpsygqtgtc4.jpg

November 23rd, 2014:

So true, so true!!!
 photo BLACK FRIDAY_zpsuaq7xt6j.jpg

November 22nd, 2014:

Deer Hunting
Ma told me my baby bro came home from deer hunting complaining that he'd spent three days outside in freezing temps and the only thing he'd caught was a cold.
So, last night I sent Baby Brother this pic with the message: "Sorry to hear you're sick!  How weird that there were no deer out.  I had no trouble finding one and I didn't even have to leave the house."
Let's just say his reply let me know he has no appreciation for my sense of humor...
 photo deer outside lake house_zps0wnvgvxs.jpg

November 20th, 2014:

Poor Depressed Kitty-Cat...
One of my friends came over the other day and called my baby girl fat, man!  Ever since, she's been doing this:
 photo Fate laying on back_zpsgm6aw0xl.jpg
Even worse, I posted this pic on Facebook to get some sympathy for poor Baby Fate and a friend asked/commented, "Are you sure she's not just laying there because she can't get up?"

November 2nd, 2014:

If You Don't Want To Hear The Answer, Don't Ask...
Talked to my ex today.  He asked me who I was seeing.  I told him there were just too many women to choose from so I was playing the field.
After his shocked silence he asked, "You turned lesbian?!?!"
I said, "Well, since I was with you for ten years, I figure I'll stick with what I know.  Why change now?"
He was not amused...

September 23rd, 2014:

Embarrassing Moment #19,845,114,297
I've only had this iPhone for a few months & I'm totally enamored with "dictating" my text messages via Siri and I love that I can add punctuation by saying "period, dot, question mark", etc.
So. Yesterday, I'm on the phone, TALKING to someone, and I say, "What did you do, question mark"....
I'm SUCH a dork, lol @ myself.

August 1st, 2014:

If this is true, all current evidence points to me having a perma-grin on my face in the years to come...
 photo 43131601-92b2-4b6b-93d5-6d5c8abe73ad_zpszc5t0kcm.gif

July 17th, 2014:

See, That's What I'm Talkin' About!

 photo 71bb773a-670e-4e1d-be88-e212d9328dec_zpshttswwe6.png

July 16th, 2014:

Adulthood Is Overrated
My Man: See, this is why I can't talk to you!  You refuse to discuss anything like an adult!!! You're sarcastic, argumentative, and you don't take anything seriously!
Me:  So?

May 18th, 2014:

Reality Check, Oh How I Love Thee...
Talked to someone who has never heard of Leave It To Beaver.  What a pleasant reminder that my ass in no longer twenty-something.  Or thirty-something, even.

May 17th, 2014:

Murder is just too much work
At the end of a whining session phone call with a friend today, my friend commented, "okay, don't murder anyone."  Without thinking, I immediately replied, "no, cause then I'd just have to clean up all the blood."
I wonder what it says about me that this was my biggest concern...??

May 11th, 2014:

Note to self:  Just because I call the mountain roads "the Ozark Indy 500,"--and drive the roads like they're the Indy 500--does not, in reality, make said roads the Indy 500 [as I was so rudely reminded by the cute lil state trooper who caught me driving on the wrong side of the road (again)].

February 11th, 2014: 

Results of Life Experiment #1,745,430:

It was 4 a.m. and the ground had several inches of snow covering it.  I was going out to check the mail but was feeling too lazy to change shoes.  I had my fuzzy slippers on and had the bright idea that maybe the fuzz on the slippers would provide good traction. 
Answer?  Negative.  Fuzzy slippers do not give you any more traction in snow than tennis shoes.  You still slip, slide, and fall on your ass.

February 10th, 2014:

Reality Check!

That moment of clarity where you look at yourself in the mirror, see what other people see when they look at you, and you go, "wow, I am SO not sexy in the morning! Do I always have that sneer on my face right after I wake up??"

January 8th, 2014:

Necessity is the Mother of Invention
So I have this black tea with honey and lemon blended in that I love.  
Well, I'm out of it at the moment and I was jonesin' for some.  I had plain black tea in the cabinet but no lemon juice in the fridge (I'd used it all up last week doing laundry) and no honey. 
So, no lemon and no honey to flavor the plain boring tea with. I was perusing the contents of my fridge (why do people do that as a way to think??), my eyes hit on an industrial sized bag of Honey-Lemon Cough Drops in the vegetable bin!
Yes, yes I did.  I made a nice cup of hot tea and dropped a honey-lemon cough drop in. 
Not too bad, I must say. 

January 7th, 2014:

Sometimes, details are important!
A person I know has a boil. On their butt. Right, smack-dab, in the middle of their nicely rounded boo-tay. So, this person told me about it a few days ago. I told them of a home remedy--not necessarily a holistic remedy--to cure it.
Today, I get a phone call from this much-loved space-cadet person & the convo goes like this:
Them: Guess what?
Me: What?
Them: I got a piece of HAM on my ass!
Confused Me: Why do you have a piece of ham on your ass?
Them: The BOIL, silly! You told me--
Eye-Rolling Me: Dude. I said nothing about ham. I said bacon fat and I said salt on bacon fat.
Them: I thought you said pepper. And ham and bacon are both pork, so I thought it'd work.
Amused Me: No. (pause for chuckle). You want the bacon FAT, NOT the MEAT! And I said SALT! (pause for much laughter). Is your ass burning?
Them: God, YES!!!!!
*More laughter from both of us*

November 25th, 2013:

Free Your Mind
To color outside the lines is to open the mind; to see all of the possibilities man has not yet warped with his limited views and corralled definitions.
{Ha!  Sounds likes something Confucius would say, huh?  Well I just made that up!  Who's Awesome? I AM! (lol @ myself...)}

November 24th, 2013:

Good Times, Man!
Soooo...I talked to my ex yesterday.  Somehow, we got on the subject of how I kept him on his toes with what he calls "all of the crazy stuff" I did when he & I were together. 
So I said, "like what?" (Mistake)
He had a laundry list of "incidents" including a time when we'd temporarily broken up and I made up a test for him to take to help me decide whether or not I would agree to get back together with him. 
"What's so wrong with that?" I asked.
His answer, "Babe.  You made me take a 26 question, multiple choice quiz!  A quiz you wrote!  Then you made me wait a week to see if I'd passed the damn thing!  Who does that?!"
"Who does which part?  The quiz or the wait?  Cause in college--"
"Babe.  Focus.  NO ONE does any of it!"
"Well you're the dummy who took the test!"
"You wouldn't talk to me until I did!"
Then my ADD kicked in, "hey, speaking of dummies, remember when I seat-belted that blow-up doll in your car for a week as punishment for bailing on me to go out with the guys?"

Ah, good times, man. Shocking that he's still relatively sane with no noticeable twitches or anything. 
Someday I'm going to write a book or blog about all of the things I did to that man--including the things he doesn't know about!  I just have to wait a few more years till the statute of limitations is up; just for a few little things.  

November 23rd, 2013:

Don't You Be-lieve it!
There's an old song called "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine..."
They lied, man. 

November 22nd, 2013:
Where does the time go?
Wow.  Am I falling down on the job of posting here or what?!  Ever had one of those days where the day was just straight up chaotic?  Where time just seemed to fly by and at the end of the day, you're laying in bed thinking about how busy you were but you somehow managed not to get anything on your to-do list done? 
Yeah, I'm having one of those years. 
October 21st, 2013:

Let's Get This Party Started!
Well, hallo there, Mercury Retrograde, my old BFF.  So good to see you again!  Oh, look!  You've brought Chaos, Confusion, Repeat, Miscommunication and Frustration with you! Well, Yay!!! Now it's a party! 
And here I was worried it was going to be a boring month...  

October 11th, 2013:

Until you can give it--regardless of your personal preferences--you will not receive it. 
Support equality.  You'll be glad you did. 

September 8th, 2013:

Never Be Ashamed
Life is too short to spend it hiding in the dark.  Whoever you are, whatever you choose, never let the opinions of others--or the fear of others' opinions--make you feel ashamed.  It's your life.  So, Live It!

August 28th, 2013:

Crazy Women
Behind every woman you think is crazy, there's a man who made her that way. 
Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, you will find this statement is true. 

Show some compassion--not judgement and criticism--because you could be next.

August 27th, 2013:

The Bathroom Zone
You know those alarm sensors security companies put on the windows and door of peoples homes?  My cat seems to have an invisible one hidden somewhere on the frame of the bathroom door. 

Every.  Single.  Time.  I go through the doorway into the bathroom, my cat--no matter where she happens to have been in the house--shows up and sits her happy ass down in the middle of the doorway.  When I leave the bathroom, she goes back to wherever she'd been and whatever important thing she'd been doing before I'd entered the Bathroom Zone. 

I haven't figured out yet if she thinks she's keeping other people out, or, if she's keeping me from disappearing into an alternate universe through the secret doorway in the shower. 

August 26th, 2013:

Princess VS. Reality (Princess is winning):
My sister--I lovingly call her Princess--called me today to tell me what a horrible day she was having.
Sis said it started with her waking up late because her friend didn't call her early enough.  When I asked her what she was talking about, Sis went on to explain that she was supposed to have dropped her SUV off at 8:00 a.m. to be detailed.  The friend, Christine, who was going to be giving her a ride from the detail shop was supposed to have called my sister this morning with a wake up call so that Sis would have time to wake up and be on time to the shop.  Sis said, "she called me at 740!  I didn't even have time to have coffee! (oh, the horror!)   

Princess was seriously put out with Christine!  She went on to say that "Christine just doesn't think sometimes, you know?"

So, me being me, I chuckled and asked Princess why she was blaming Christine.  And, I asked, why hadn't she just set her own alarm to wake up early enough for the hour-long IV drip of caffeine that she needs prior to being coherent. 

Princess Sissy paused and then, in an accusatory tone said, "You know, I just want a little sympathy right now.  Can you just give me that, please?  Why do you always have to bring reality into it?!"
So then I paused before replying, "Sooo...what you're saying is that you want me to just listen, be on your side even though you're in the wrong, and not bring reality into it?"
Princess immediately replied, "Yes, that's it."
"Cool.  You should have just said that's what you wanted.  Carry on." I said.
Princess Sissy didn't miss a beat: "Okay. Where was I?  Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about my professor.  He is such an asshole!  He actually had the nerve to give me a 'D' just because I overslept yesterday and missed the test!  He refuses to let me make it up.  Can you believe him?!"
"No.  What a pig!" I said.
"I know, right? He..."
(...and on and on she went!).

My sister, man.  My older sister.  I love her to death but she worries me sometimes.  But she's just so darned cute!!!

August 25th, 2013:

Headaches Migrate
Ma called me and wanted me to chauffeur her around for the day for her errands and shopping. 
I told her I couldn’t because I had a really bad headache. 
Ma the Hypochondriac then remarks, “you sure have had a lot of headaches lately.  Maybe you need to go to the doctor!” 
“No, Ma," I said, "I don’t need a doctor.  I just need to stay where I’m at, stay still, and it will go away.”
Ma then says, “But have been getting them a lot!  Don’t you think that means something?!”
In a dry tone of voice I said, “Yeah, Ma.  It means the pain in my ass has migrated to my brain.”
Ma paused to think about my answer and then said, “You’re talking about me, aren’t you.  That’s not funny.”

August 23rd, 2013:
Hard To Find Good Friends
I talked to an old friend yesterday that I haven’t spoken to in several years.  At one point she said, “I miss you!!  There’s no one around me like you!”
I replied with, “Yeah, that’s because when you came up with crazy plots and ideas I’d say, ‘what are you, psycho?! I’m driving. Are we taking your car or mine?’ ”

August 12th, 2013:
Gimmicks crack me UP!
So I’m browsing the rough stones on one of those auction sites (I have a serious addiction to rocks & stones).  I see the header for a piece of amber that says “ANCIENT AMBER!” 
Come on, really?  Dude.  It’s amber.  Of course it’s ancient.

July 30th, 2013:
Isn't it Ironic
In looking for a mechanic to work on my car, one of the shops in the Yellow Pages had a slogan of "We Can Fix Anything!"
I was like, "Alright!  That's the mechanic  for ME!"
I drive to the shop and sure enough, the aforementioned slogan is in huge, bold letters across the top of the front of their shop.  However...behind the shop is a huge, honkin' graveyard.  Of cars. 
I decided my car didn't need to be fixed that bad. 

July 28th, 2013:
Groooooooovin'...on a Sunday afternoon
♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 
 photo aq8_zps7203b2a1.gif

July 26th, 2013:
Life's Little Reminders
Nothing like repeated power outages to remind you of just how much your convenient, comfortable life depends upon electricity!

July 19th, 2013:
Know Pain, Know Gain
You know you've had a good work out when...the following day, every time you go to sit down, your butt and thighs scream in pain. 
Instead of sitting down in one fluid motion, you get about halfway down and then fall the rest of the way into your seat while doing that pained, huffing laugh you just can't seem to contain.

July 17th, 2013:
Confusing the Masses, One Person At A Time...
It's been a while since this happened, but I got called a "white devil" today.
Apparently, the timing of my walking by a man preaching on a street corner played right into his sermon because he pointed at me and yelled, "and YOU WHITE DEVILS--"
I stopped, pointed at my skin & said, "No, brother, TAN.  TAN devil.  See?  Brown."  Then I pointed to his pamphlet & asked, "Wha'cha got in there for me on tan or brown devils?"

The street-preacher tilted his head and screwed up his face in confusion but I didn't get to hear his reply.  The friend I was with grabbed my arm, pulled me away and said, "you just live to cause controversy and confuse people, don't you!" 
Well, yeah! 

July 6th, 2013:
Conundrums, Conundrums
When a person who knows I'm psychic tries to scam me or lie to me. 
It doesn't happen often and I rarely address their attempt.  I know they know that I know, or, at least they suspect I know.  Out of personal curiosity I want to ask them if they realize they've just caused bad things to happen for them, but I never do.
It is puzzling--and sometimes funny--though, all the same.  

July 5th, 2013:

Channeling Kathy Bates
Fireworks that sound like grenades, RPG's and 50 cal's were going off at the lake house next door.  It sounded like they were within yards or feet of my house. 
I look outside to see a bunch of teenagers (visitors of the neighbor, I guess) shooting off fireworks.  Some of the rocket-style thingys were arching toward my lake house.  Being that it's a family lake house & was kind of expensive to build, I didn't think Ma would appreciate having it burn to the ground via teenaged thoughtlessness. 
I walked my happy butt over to the teens and asked if they could launch their missles in another direction, like, say toward the lake, maybe (God forbid!  We might catch the water on fire!!!). 
The teen who lived there apologized.  A couple of others grumbled, "come on!  It's the Fourth of July!"  (like I'm some kind of Scrooge for not wanting my house to catch fire). 
As I was walking away, one of the kids said, "hope you have good house insurance!"
Now, see, I would've been in the wrong if I'd punched that kid in the face, broke his nose & said, "hope your parents have good medical insurance!"
But I reallllllly wanted to.  Unfortunately, it'll have to remain a fantasy.  Unless my house catches on fire.  Then it's on

June 26th, 2013:
I should be above this type of behavior
Me, my sister, two of her friends, three bottles of empty Chianti.  Sister says, "I'll bet you I can do a better job of cutting your hair than you can of cutting mine!" 
Drunk, dumbass me:  "No you can't."
Drunk, scheming sister:  "Wanna bet?"
Me: "Sure!"

One would think that, at forty-some years of age, I'd be smart enough to not accept any drunken challenges.  Unfortunately, the loss of about nine inches of hair on one side of my head, and ten or eleven inches of hair on the other side of my head proves differently. 
At least there are no bald spots this time. 

June 20th, 2013:
Good book!
You know the book you're writing is going to be good're thinking about different books you've read, you think of this one particular book's plot & characters and think, "Hey, I wonder what happens in that book?  I need to finish reading it."
And then, directly on the heels of the aforementioned thought you think, "Oh, wait.  I'm writing that book..."

June 12th, 2013:
I'm becoming my mother!
I've always said I'd never do it.  I've always said I'd never find "old lady" clothes appealing.  Well, now I've gone and done it.  I bought a neon red tank top with big, huge, honkin' sparkly neon green flowers on the front of it. 
I always looked at those type of shirts as being "old lady" shirts but I saw this one, loved it and just had to have it.  What does that mean?!?!  Is it happening?  Am I becoming my mother?!  Oh.  My.  Gawd!!!

May 24th, 2013:
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
So I was driving and saw this cute little turtle crossing the road.  I felt bad for the poor baby because it was so darned hot outside and, from my estimation, he was about three miles away from his goal of getting to the lake.
As hot as it was outside, I figured he must have gotten turned around somehow & ended up traveling away from the lake.  So I decided I'd help the turtle reach his goal.
After chasing after the lil sucker (he tried to run from me!), I loaded him in the SUV & drove to the boat landing to set him free in the water.
I trotted my happy ass down the concrete boat launch ramp.  Just as I'd made it two steps into the water, I slipped on the green slime attached to the concrete of the launch area.  The green slime is the consistency of snot!  (Who knew?)
My feet went out from under me and I landed with a huge *splat* into the water; hip deep in water, onto my ass.  Unfortunately, the turtle I had "rescued" also flew from my hand.  He landed just outside of the water line and he was trying to run in the opposite direction of the water!
I picked myself up out of the green slime, almost fell again trying to gain my footing, finally got to slime-less concrete and ran after my poor turtle. 
I couldn't figure out why he was running away from the water.  Must have heat stroke, I thought. 
I carefully made my way to the edge of the slime and pushed Mr. Turtle into the water.  He got out of the water and started trying to walk in the opposite direction!  I felt so bad for him--he was so overwhelmed by heat stoke that he didn't realize he was HOME!
I picked him up and nudge him back in the water.  He tried to go the opposite direction again!  I did this a couple more times until I finally got the bright idea that maybe he needed to be submerged in water to cool off and realize he was home at last.
So, I put him in deeper water & held him under.  Bubbles started coming up from him and his shell. 
As I was wondering if this was normal or not, I heard, "Hey youngin', whaddurya doin'?" 
I look over to see an Octogenarian sitting on the rocks near the boat launch.  I told him I was trying to set the turtle free in the water but the turtle wasn't cooperating. 
Mr. Octogenarian smiled and then told me, "That's because he's a land turtle.  He don't live in water."  He also told me that if I kept doing what I was doing, I may just drown the turtle.  He said to take the turtle back to where I found him.
Here I'd been feeling SO good about myself for doing a good deed by helping a lost turtle with heat stroke and come to find out, I'd actually kidnapped a land turtle from his home and then--from the turtle's point of view--attempted to murder him!

Land turtles.  Who knew there was such a thing?  Not to excuse myself, but "land" and "turtle" just doesn't sound natural to my Floridian mind!
So I took Mr. Turtle back to the--approximate--area I'd found him and took my bruised ego and bruised ass on my merry way. 
I now think twice before I decide I'm going to do a good deed....

May 22nd, 2013:
Hello?  Karma Calling!
The Me, Me, Me, Me-First Disease is out of control.   
People attempting to shove others out of the way to gain maximum attention.  People attempting to throw others under the bus to make themselves look like the better choice.  People attempting to overwhelm others with how awesome they are.  These type of people really do not seem to care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with pushing, shoving, and screaming their way to the front of some imaginary line.

That's all just so very weird to me.  Cause, first, I'm like, don't the Attention Hogs know these tactics do not work?  Second, the more you tell people how awesome you are, the less they believe it.  And, third, I'm like, Hal-LOOooooo....Karma can't be fooled, heifers!  I mean, really.  She will be calling upon you to give back to you what you put out to others!!!  Duh!

May 21st, 2013:
Etiquette for Gold Digging!
I'm almost positive this subject should be in the driver's handbook for every state: Picking one's nose is not an approved activity while driving!  Doing so is akin to texting while driving.  So why isn't this subject addressed in handbooks and on public safety billboards?!

Your gold digging should be done somewhere private; preferably where there are four walls and some kleenex!  Much as you would like to think so, your car is not private!
To those who dig and flick?!  You uncouth toadies make me wonder just how many of those bug corpses on my windshield are really bug corpses! 
And I seriously don't like having to think about that!

May 20th, 2013:
Innocent mistake or premeditated intent?

Ma uses Sweet-n-low.  I like Splenda but use her sweetner when I'm at her house.  For a couple weeks, Ma's mentioned several times that she'd found some Splenda for me and why hadn't I used it yet? 
Yesterday, I finally decided to use her splenda packets so she'd stop mentioning them.
I made myself a glass of iced tea, using her "Splenda" and proceeded to chug back a huge swallow. 
Wait.  Stop.  W.T.F.?!?! 
The tea tastes like SALT and something chemical-ey.  "MAaaaaaa!!! WTF?! That was not Splenda!" 
I dig the 'splenda' packets out of the trash.  I don't have my glasses on, so I can't read the package.  I hand them to Ma. 
She looks at the packets for me and, in this oh-so-innocent voice says, "I thought it was Splenda." 
"Well, what is it?" I ask.
Ma's staring at me with these big blue innocent eyes of hers; like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "It says 'Nasaline.' Oops?"

Personally, I think she was either trying to kill me or, at the very least, incapacitate me for a few weeks until it was time to work in the yard again. 
 photo SPLENDAPACKET_zps5a47bfc7.jpg photo NASALINEPACKET_zps0f673eee.jpg

May 18th, 2013:
"Beware of the big blue innocent eyes"
I started weeding one of my mom's many landscaped gardens.  Ma sees me in this particular garden and hurries over to point out a poison ivy plant.  She says that it is "her" plant and not to pull it out.
I ask her what she's keeping--and nurturing--a poison ivy plant for.  Rather than answer, Ma starts pointing out the different flora & fauna she has in that particular round garden. 
I didn't realize until later that she never answered me and, she quite possibly used a distraction technique on me to avoid answering.
Now, my mom is this petite little thing with big blue eyes, and looks and acts like a June Cleaver-meets-Martha Stewart.  So what evil intent does she hide behind that innocent
façade of hers...?

May 17th, 2013:
"You are not Funny!"
So.  My mom & stepdad were bickering with each other (as they do) when my mom put her fingertips to her temples and said, "oh! I suddenly have this sharp pain right here!"
I popped out with, "that's called your last nerve."
Now, see, I thought that was funny.  Stepdad thought it was funny.  Mom?  Not funny.  I am SO funny!  Dang it!

May 15th, 2013:
The subconscious mind is an amazing thing:  Ma's having some work done around her place.  One of the seriously hawt guys doing the work is named Margarito.  Ma accidentally called him "Mojito" three. Separate. TIMES. Before she finally turned to me and said, "Hey, you want to go to Jose Peppers for dinner?"  
Guess Ma had been jonesing for a mojito, or three. 

May 13th, 2013:
Wondering how ill-mannered, uncouth, and / or
déclassé it is to take your mom shopping for Mother's Day and end up buying something for yourself, instead...?  I mean, I found a very cool statue that I just had to have but Ma didn't want anything so I'm wondering just how bad of a daughter does this make me?

PS: Isn't She COOL?!?!

May 10th, 2013: If I tell you I love you, it does not mean that you own me.  Loving you does not mean I have to stay with you or stay where you are.  Nor, does it mean I stop loving you when I leave; I take the love with me. 
May 3rd, 2013:
Dear Slow Drivers of America:  You are 85% of the reason for Road Rage and 50% of the reason for car accidents! 
I don't have a problem with you driving slowly.  Really.  But could you possibly do it in the outside lane!!!  The inside, passing lane is called the PASSING LANE because it's for the cars behind you to PASS your slow-driving butt! 
PS: When you're driving slowly in the PASSING LANE, and acting like you don't see the cars behind you or beside you?  We KNOW you see us!

April 28th, 2013:
Note to self: When completing a phone call with a rude customer service rep, make SURE you have pushed the "end" button on your phone before talking shit about said rude bitch; especially when she is the deciding vote of whether you get what you want or not!

April 21st, 2013:

I absolutely love men, I really do.  I just don't believe women should have to breast feed them after they graduate from college. 

April 20th, 2013:
Warning to All Thieves:  Attempt to steal my dreams and I will stab you.  Hard.  With a number two pencil.  So that it hurts.  Very, very badly. 

April 19th, 2013:
If I were a butterfly, I'd probably look like every other butterfly until...I spread my wings!  Oh, the rare and beautiful color of my wings!
 photo 6292018f-f55d-41c3-a086-c49be1907a92_zpsb7016150.jpg

April 17th, 2013:
Explanation of Thunder & Lightning to a four year old:  Thunder is one of the ways God talks to us.  
thunderandlightning photo THUNDERANDLIGHTNING_zps15c000bd.jpg

April 16th, 2013:
Kidney Stones.  The closest God could come to making men know what it feels like for a woman to give birth.
Score one for Team God!

April 15th, 2013:
Dear Dog Owners of Tiny Dogs:  I think your dogs are simply adorable until... you are at the table next to me in a restaurant and pull them out of your purse to eat and drink from your glass and plate.  I'm almost positive you'd have a problem with me if I did the same thing with my 110 lb American Bulldog.

April 12th, 2013
Weird how no one seems to be as sympathetic to you when you're injured as they would expect you to be if they were injured. 
Note to self: Buy mom a book detailing the emancipation of slavery in the US.  Also buy a law book and highlight the areas showing where slavery is now illegal. 

April 10th, 2013
New reason to shave cat bald.
A few days ago when I was walking down the hallway she ran in front of me and just stopped.  I tripped over her and hurt my back.  Then today, I was trying to "gingerly" walk down some steps so I didn't re-injure my back and ended up falling down and twisting my ankle.  So the ankle is her fault, too.
That lil heifer is going down!

April 9th, 2013
Why do some women wear a coat and furry, warm boots with shorts or mini-skirts when it's cold outside?  I mean, really.  What goes through their minds?!

April 4th, 2013
If I have to explain to my cat who it is that's in charge around here just one more damn time, I'm taking the clippers and shaving her ass bald.  Bald, I say!  BALD!

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# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Tuesday, April 16, 2013 4:34 PM
OMG! I have seen women pull their dogs out and put them on tables too! It's so rude!  I always wonder how they get away with it.  
Your cat comments are making me LOL! Is that a pic of your cat?
BTW, I love your blog articles and the way you write.  Write more please!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Tuesday, April 16, 2013 4:50 PM
Hey there, Laura!
I did that entry b/c I'd just been out to eat and the woman next to us had TWO lil dogs on her table!  But, actually, I have an auntie who is one of the women that get away with it, lol.  She simply stares down the wait staff as if daring them to comment and it works!  

As for the cat picture?  Yeah, that's my Fate (aka: Chunky Butt).  She has a thing for refrigerators. Every time she hears me opening the door of mine, she RUNS to the kitchen and jumps inside.  Thank God the fridge was clean the day I took that pic, huh? lol...
Thanks for commenting & Have a great week!
PS: I'm trying to do more writing, I just haven't had the time lately, but I'm TRYING! :)
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Saturday, April 27, 2013 2:13 AM
Great pic of the kitty! your site is--Huge! worth -sifting reading alot of the - practical and helpful articles and practical often unique pointers-suggestions. what energy! bless you!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Saturday, April 27, 2013 3:30 PM
Hey again, Earl!
Yeah, that's my Chunky Butt Baby right there!  She's a handful, lol.

Thank you for the kind words on my blog.  I'm sorry some of the articles are long...I'm shaking my head at myself because I am CONSTANTLY telling myself to write shorter articles, lol @ myself because I haven't managed to do so yet! Dang it!!!
Ah, well, I endeavor to persevere!

Great comment & thank you again :)
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 10, 2013 2:50 PM
LOL!!  I love this!  (Especially April 20th), but they are all great!!!  I have to call you for a reading sometime...soon!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 17, 2013 11:06 AM
Hiya, Brigid!
Thanks for the nice words!  I thought it would be fun to see where this goes.  YOU should do one!  Bet it would be molto interessante!!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 17, 2013 12:20 PM laughing out loud for real...your mom is a trip!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 17, 2013 12:21 PM
And you most CERTAINLY are FUNNY!!!  LOL!!!  
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Monday, May 20, 2013 11:30 AM
LOL.  My mom IS a trip.  And she has the NERVE to look puzzled at where I get MY personality from!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Monday, May 20, 2013 12:40 PM
Bwahahahahahaha!!!  Your SPLENDA story is SPLENDID!!!  OMG..too funny!!!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:45 PM
That woman could have KILLED me!  I can't believe her sometimes, lol.  

I keep going back in my paranoid mind and wondering, "did she do that on PURPOSE?!?! Is THAT why she kept wanting me to use her 'splenda'?"  
Cause she mentioned she'd found it and put it out there "just for me" at LEAST six times before I finally decided to use it.  

That woman is just scary, lol.
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 5:04 PM
Where's the "Like" button, I'd "Like" to Press it!!!!  LOL!!!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 24, 2013 10:32 AM
I don't think Keen has a 'like' button, but they darn well should, right?  
Ah, well, I DO have to say I like the written "LIKE!" better than anonymously pushing a button, lol.  More personal.  

Guess you understood my lil rant, huh? lol...
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 24, 2013 1:04 PM

Poor turtle...I'm from PA, so I would have never taken the turtle to the water...we have land turtles here in more quantity than water turtles.  How to tell the difference?  Land turtles have long nails and roundish feet...WATER turtles have feet that are a bit more like "fins" and a tail shaped like a "rudder" kind of vertically "flat"  ;)

Reminds me of my own "turtle crossing the road story", kind of sad...I was driving home with my two sons, who were about ten and eleven at the time (long time ago).  I stopped at a gas station and a large Box Turtle (Land Turtle), was trying to cross the small two lane highway we were on.  Traffic was limited, so I told them to go push the turtle over to the side of the road so it wouldn't get hit.  

They were cautiously walking up the roadside and some IDIOT came flying up the 35 mph zone and HIT the turtle, knocking it up into the air, and it came crashing down on it's back...cracked sad....right in front of my children.  We cried all depressing...Lesson learned...I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO GET THE TURTLE INSTEAD OF PUMPING THE GAS!  I still feel sad about it to this day, one of the saddest things we ever saw...(we are animal lovers.)

Tip:  When picking up a turtle (any turtle), some bite, pick them up by the hind leg, that way they can't bite you.  If they pull into shell, pick up by shell by hind leg...safest way to handle a turtle!

(I'm just glad you didn't drown the little guy!)....

Have a great day!!!  (Sorry so long, but had to share).
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, May 24, 2013 1:05 PM
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Friday, June 07, 2013 3:15 PM
Hi there! will you be back on line on Keen anytime soon for readings?

Thank you!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Thursday, June 13, 2013 12:57 PM
Sorry so late 4 answering.  Business took me away for a couple of weeks.  Now.  Please keep in mind I have a warped (and somewhat morbid) sense of humor from being a cop for a couple of decades (cops find weird shit funny)and I mean NO disrespect when I say this, but, your story?  I read it and LMFAO.  
Then, a couple of times over the past week or so, I would remember the story and LMFAO AGAIN! Not b/c of the turtle murder, but b/c I could just PICTURE what you wrote.  It sounded like a scene out of National Lampoon's Vacay or something, lol.  
Your poor boys--traumatized for life.  They probably tell that story over & over, lol.

I'm an animal lover, as well.  On the back roads in the Ozarks, those turtles are everywhere & yes, they get run over a LOT!  Stupid drivers...
I don't try to take any more of them to the lake but I DO stop when I see one on the road & put it on the SIDE of the road.  But now that I think about I helping them across the road OR am I putting them back at their starting point?  Ah, well...
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Thursday, June 13, 2013 12:58 PM
Hey there, Ketanpandya:  Getting on today!  Sorry for the wait!!!
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Sunday, July 07, 2013 8:34 AM
Sol, I just stumbled upon your blog and I must say I love your sense of humor and style! I was laughing SO hard at your "drowning the land turtle" story. OMG - totally something I would do, all the while thinking I am doing a good deed ;)

I accidentally killed my pet chameleon in college bc I thought he was too hot. I moved him to a cool dark spot w a fan directly at his cage. Then I misted him with cold water religiously for every 1/2 hr. Couldn't understand why I wasn't nursing him back to health until I took him back to the pet store and told the guy what I had done. He thought I was a complete idiot and politely informed me that they NEED heat and he died bc he was too cold not too hot! Ooops!

Just wanted to let you know I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and can't figure out how to "follow" you so I am notified each time you post? I am new to this blog thing and just set up my own at if you want to check it out. So glad I found your blog, thank you for all of the wonderful insight :)
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Monday, September 09, 2013 10:21 AM
# re: Thoughts from the Farside @ Wednesday, January 08, 2014 11:00 AM
Sol, please keep posting these. I absolutely need love them.

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