Star Struck Chronicles

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"
Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act


From Iron Buttercup Guide to Happiness with Men by Leslie Hale

So, his calls have slowed down to nothing after a whirlwind 3 month romance.  You are in a state of shock and can't figure out what has happened.

It seemed like things were going great and 'commitment' could be around the corner.

You have called him and while he seems friendly enough, he doesn't keep you on the phone, ask to see you, or engage you in the same sexy way he did just a month ago.

You ask about his plans and he is vague and noncommittal. You hang up feeling confused, rejected, uncertain and upset or even angry.

Men often tell you what they're looking for at the start of a relationship if you listen carefully.  Take this information to heart and do not sweep it under the rug. If he says he does not want to get married in the near future, take him at his word.

What's wrong, why is he suddenly acting like this? What did he tell you he was looking for at the start of the relationship, if anything?

The fact is, there are a number of things that could be going on.

1-If he has recently ended another relationship, it could have rekindled. As it is unsure he could be reluctant to tell you.

2-He could have met someone else.

3-He may not be interested in going any further and winding up in a 'committed situation.' This happens frequently. He could feel it is not the right time for him, in spite of his ardent pursuit of you in the beginning. Like women, men can change their minds and do.

4-For a myriad of reasons he could have lost interest. Something may have occurred that tells him the two of you are not the right fit for the long term.

5-He could be immature and not capable of more emotional closeness, or want more emotional closeness.

6-He could be a player and on to his next conquest. Your time with him may be up.

7-Things may have gotten so good, he is scared to go further and opts out. This can be a form of immaturity as well. Or, he simply does not want a deeper relationship at this time.

8-He could have financial problems, family issues or some other issue he does not want to share.

No matter how amazing or attractive you are, you cannot make a man commit or love you who does not want to.

The bottom line is this: if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to make it happen. He will jump through hoops and wild horses couldn’t keep him away. He would walk across a burning desert. This is the absolute truth.

The second part of the bottom line is that you may never completely know what he has backed off. "Closure", is often something you must give yourself.

His lack of interest may have nothing to do with you. Do not assume you 'screwed up.'  You may simply not be compatible for a variety of reasons. If so, this is not failure and it will be positive in the long run, as it releases you both to find someone else. Compatibility must run both ways. Love is a two way street.

So, what can you do?

You have two choices.

You can spend weeks, months or even years waiting, hoping, shutting yourself off from others, calling reader after reader to inquire about him, hoping and bemoaning the fact you are alone and feel betrayed. Ladies-in-waiting are fine, but only if you work for the Queen. Alternatively,

You can take an Iron Buttercup approach (which is far more positive)  and move on!  It's pretty simple and  will give you the best outcome short term and long term.

While you can't change your feelings overnight, you can continue to move forward. But, it will take some discipline.

Start exercising, so you look even better. Join groups where you can make new friends. Join a dating site. Make 'dates' with friends. Get your friends to fix you up. Do anything, except spend your time angsting over him.

Don't spend your down time alone. There are many ways and places where you can interact with others.

Whatever the reason he has disappeared, you can rest assured he is not letting grass grow under his feet, and he has a reason for disappearing. He just hasn't chosen to share that reason with you.

He may even be living on the island of misfit boys.

At the end of the day, he has handled the relationship in poor way, rather than doing the kinder thing, which would be to communicate to you he does not want to go further-whatever the reason. It takes great maturity, strength of character and compassion to do this. Is anything less than this really acceptable?

Chances are he has actually done you a favor in the end. But, you won't see it this way for a while.

The fact is, most men who disappear after short term dating don't come back. If he has meant to return he will.   But, it's not your job to wait, and its negative and counter productive to your life to spend your time waiting. Get out there: there are people to see and things to do!

And if by chance, he does return, he will find you far more interesting if you have moved on and done new things with your life rather than waited for him. Neediness-clinginess and anger can come across in a very unattractive way.  He may turn and run again.

And never forget the Iron Buttercup 'Golden Rule,' -You must love yourself first. You must protect yourself and not put yourself in bad situations. If you are in a bad situation that causes unhappiness and pain, get out of it now! Never wait for him to 'change,' as chances are he won't and you are wasting your life. Life is precious and short. Don't waste it on men who don't value YOU.

I'm Moving on is more than a song-it's now your new mantra!

Comments
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Tuesday, May 30, 2017 9:15 AM
Love this! It is so important to love yourself above anything else. I currently have friends who are waiting for him to change...his mind, job, location, etc. and I have wasted many years waiting for someone...never works, never. Thank you for writing this valuable piece here. I hope many eyes read it.
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Tuesday, May 30, 2017 1:30 PM
Don't wait for change and don't wait for a man. Move on with your life and watch the results that occur.
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Tuesday, May 30, 2017 10:44 PM
This is such an amazing article. It's fits my life perfectly. I am moving on!!!!
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Tuesday, May 30, 2017 10:44 PM
This is such an amazing article. It's fits my life perfectly. I am moving on!!!!
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Wednesday, May 31, 2017 7:10 AM
I'm glad you hear it and you will be glad as well! There is a far more positive side of life out there waiting for you!
# re: Iron Buttercup Guide for happiness with men: The vanishing act @ Tuesday, October 31, 2017 2:41 PM
Took 40 years to figure it out, but there is no one on this earth that is good enough to keep you hostage. Live your own life, love yourself, if they don't want to be with you, move the hell on.
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