Carmen's Mirror

Carmen welcomes you to her online venue for empaths. This blog is dedicated to all of you who are sensitive to people's feelings and who feel overwhelmed by being empathic. Perhaps the accounts of my life and my observations, may help you...
The 'needy female' syndrome

 I know some of you have the problem of wanting a commitment out of your guy or cannot find a mate who would seemingly want to settle down. Today though I would like to talk about this issue in reverse: The situation where as a female, you would like to ‘stay casual’ or have a lighter relationship without the partner panicking about the future. There is nothing wrong with wanting some idea of the present, and maybe the future - as humans we need routine and security - but the WHOLE thing (as in marriage, children, grandchildren) need not be panicked about right away - yet it usually comes up very quickly with some people.

The problem is that I have found, some men have been taught to respect us ( women )
so much, that they make the assumption that we are ‘too good for a casual relationship’ (!)

Everybody dislikes it when assumptions are made about him or her. I am aware that I do it as well.  Though the difference is I am more prone to assume that the partner would not want a commitment, not that the partner wants to commit to me!

 It’s often a surprise to me to realise that I am being considered so quickly as a long term, life partner, because often this happens too early on in the relationship. One should never make a commitment to someone based on a love induced meeting, or a fabulous few weeks? This puts us under way too much pressure! Maybe this is is biologically induced, or maybe it's fear based, I don't know, but it has happened to me, and it happens to my clients.

I think it's very daunting for both sides to have that much pressure on them, yet I find these marriage minded people put too much pressure on themselves ( and us ) and the relationship dissipates.

 Sometimes what results from this pressure is the person who is pressured starts sabotaging the relationship, if it moves too fast.

 There seems to be a double standard here too. Many women are no longer in the position to have to ‘make do’ or be in the relationship for the sake of comfort or material security. Many of us are in the position to support ourselves, and some of us even have the individual security within the self to not feel like they need emotional support.

 I am choosing to stay single. Many of us are not doing this out of ‘fear’ but out of the ability to see that they are maybe not ready to compromise their vulnerability again unless they feel secure with the person or within themselves. I sometimes feel happier without a relationship than in one.

 That shows me, that the status quo of being single is not actually the hell it is made out to be. I have time for my friends, I take care of myself and I am kind to people, I create freely and I am still very happy in my life. Thus, people like myself will try and stick to the ‘dating diet’ and just learn to enjoy life, and to it’s fullest all the experiences it has to offer. This is temporary, but sometimes, little opportunities come along…and then, they assume we want more?!

 Many of my clients are insulted and confused  if their partners assume they want commitment when indeed, all they want for now is a companion.

 A ‘companion’ is a friend one can have a secure but casual relationship with, with few emotional strings attached. I have noticed many ‘mature’ people ( seniors and retirees )seem to call each other ‘companions’. Could that be because they have finally figured out how relationships work, and are ‘mature’ enough to handle them?

 I feel it is extremely biased to ascribe the ‘nutty female’ syndrome to all women. Yes, many of us PMS – many of us are passionate and emotional – but that does not mean that because of an abusive, clingy, or needy ex, that one is going to be the same way.

It is my experience that some partners assume we need marriage to feel secure, or that is
(To quote a male friend): “What she deserves”. Sometimes this all feels very patronising!

 What is then left of a friendship that takes on another form is the partner scurrying off in fear that ‘she wants more’. ( could that be because they want more and fear vulnerability? )

Could there sometimes be hidden in there  a passive aggressive element in some instances in controlling a partner who is independent?

Just like we make assumptions about the male anaotomy being the single driving force in their lives  (we are trying to be more gentle with you guys), we pledge to ask you PLEASE to stop ascribing ‘needy female’ labels to those of us, who are secure enough to handle involvement on a non-committal basis!!!! :)

 Of course I know this blog is read mostly by my female readers but I would love to hear some responses from the other side of the coin.

 Addendum: An update on me: I am still sticking to my ‘dating amnesty’. I have not attempted to start any serious relationships, nor have I been looking and have been more analytical when encountering potential partners. It’s been a fabulous summer thus far. I have been doing many things for myself, and I do one seriously fun activity a month that I can look forward to. Each time I indulge in life, laughter and something new, I become a fresher, happier person, and my need for 'companionship' diminishes. To me, the most important things in my life are: (in order) my health, my family and my friends.

Copyright Carmen Miro 2007

# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Monday, October 08, 2007 11:31 AM
I enjoyed your blog . . . and know exactly what your referring to on "companion" level relationships.

It think it also ties into the energy shifts the world is experiencing . . . the roles of male and female.  As more females are becoming autonomous.

I also believe that when we become more and more enlightened . . . we find our companionship in the source.

:)  Ronda
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Monday, October 08, 2007 11:49 AM
This is driving me and my clients nuts. The other story I hear lots of is: I never was that into him when it began/ he pursued me/ I never wanted anything heavy...and when they finally give in to the pressure, Mr Serious is gone gone gone.

I think 'love and sex' is the only way to make money off of people, and in the process of this abuse, many of us are making mistakes. Due to mass marketing we are all tricked into being with someone. True spirit wants us to find the soul mate in ourselves.
Thanks Ronda ;)
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:07 PM
I think it shocks the hell out of guys to realize that some of us females could either take a commitment or leave it. The guy i'm dating seems to be blown away by the fact that I am not trying to wrangle him into a committed relationship, or sleep with him just to "keep" him. I don't need to keep a piece of trash that doesn't respect my need to take things slow! I think once you remain true to what  you want and are not afraid to express it, a person worth having around will value that. It seems like the more independent you are, the more a man will want to be with you!!
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Wednesday, October 10, 2007 10:12 PM
Dead end is what I would like to call it when:
The inner most and outmost beauty does not match; when the female begin to think of money milking process instead of pursuing jobs that keep the two togeher. It goes both ways anyways. But, most men feel embrassed to hang out with a lady who always provide; this is not the case with a female...

# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Thursday, October 11, 2007 6:39 AM
The needy female syndrome----might be a conditioning, a personification of norms/culture.  I find this phrase to be very male
coined phrase.   I had a significant other whose ego got too big for his breeches...merely because there are certain expectations and desires from one's significant other...

For example -- acknowledging that if he is truly the sig.  that he is going to undeerstand certain obligations...that his woman prefers to share special times with the sig.  That his woman is going to want an escort to certain functions/family events.  That society in general frowns on a woman who decides to find a different male escort each time her sig is off frolicking with "God knows who."  If these expectations are the nedy fmale syndome, then by God, many a woman is eithee a needy female or a W****

If a woman cannot expect the companionship from a significant other at crucial times, then she might as well be friends with enough male so that when she truly wants her companion to be around or available, that one is...

Money buys a whoe lot...prestige, position,  toys and rrespect...autonomy, in addition to the normal things of life--
so let me have a  male around who has a whole lot going for him--money, knowledge on how to genrate money, highly educated, savvy knowing what human beings thrive on and so forth.  Perhaps that is one description of a female need?

I think that women and men who are able to determine who and what they want out of their lives should pursue their life's goals and realize that no one human being can be their all.  The world is full of so many people who have different attributes tha people's lives can be enriched--even with money--by the males and females that exist here in the Industrial World.   Do you want money?  There are banks or prvate loan entities.  The mix of all of the  attributes work together to establish and enrich the lives of those who obviously need people in one way or another...Money with the loan note...

I think people need people in one way or other.  Think Diana...
Charles and his new bride and so on.  The Donald?  He fires wives as much as he hires them.  

I am not touching on Queen Oprah, the tabloids claim that she has  a Steadman...
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Thursday, October 11, 2007 8:34 AM
Humm.  It reminds me of id, ego, superego.  We all  have our needs and they are individualastic and to our persona,  and, of course, background/family/socio economic situs.

The legacy that we leave, jointly and collectively, is to teach our children, after cumulative years of education and just good common, practical, day-to-day sense.  Simple.  Why think Princess Di en famille?  What did her father say:  'She comes from good breeding stock!'


Linda ...
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Thursday, October 11, 2007 9:46 AM
Great Feedback guys! Thanks!

I sense bitterness LOL ;)

OK - to the topic at hand: Phineas: Keep up your beliefs, just like you are. Maybe if enough of us insistently band together we can deliver the message collectively! Not sure if I would call these guys 'trash' but they sure have too much baggage, I'd say :)

Jak - yes, I would say it seems like a dead-end, but I envision the day when men can accept that we do make just as much money as they do, and they can feel secure in that, because Jak, I want you and other men to feel happy and secure - all this stuff is just so unecessary. If only we could all just get along...

Wow Cynica, that was an interesting response. A fine lady wrote to me about this blog entry, commenting on feeling embarrassed when she whent out alone. She is a senior, and I guess it's still an issue for mature women, to be seen out or travelling unaccompanied. These ancient norms still pervade, so ascribing the need for protection apparently is made as a often by females as it is by males! We have to remember that - that women can be just as hard on each other! :/

Linda: It's a tragedy that women still have to be 'pedigree' even in this day and age. I think men have a similar pressure in that they have to always be the most powerful - and when they aren't, there's a major imbalance, thus the pedigree female, being a symbol of high status.

# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Thursday, October 11, 2007 9:49 AM
This is so interesting! I can agree with everyone! I have guy friends and it's great!
If we go out to supper mostly they pay and I leave the tip! We talk about everything!! I have known these men for some time and at age 59 and they are usually up to 5 years younger but we always have a lot to talk about! Some
times I even buy but depends where we go and who it is!  I'm not so interested in the sex part except for 1 male in particular! That's a different story!! It's a different world for women and I am so glad. We have become more independent even my married friends (I'm retired) and go out most times I am home.
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Thursday, October 11, 2007 7:15 PM
Thanks Barbara :) It's great to hear of stories where these things *do* work out, as it's important to remember that there are stellar individuals out there, who do honourable things.
I hope things work out with your friend....;)
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Friday, October 12, 2007 9:28 AM
Helllo all:

Boys, er men, we appreciate you and your contribution to  life, we raeally do and we also resent that we have had to fight to smoke our own cigarettes!!  I am neutral on this toPic and come here only to make general observatiions.  Hillary Rodham might have thought it good  to have a male but I bet she learned that she is a whole person and could hold her own,

Does she need a male companion?  It would seem that she has a
Bill C i'  the shadowS waiting to lend the male power emanting from
a US Presidency.   So she was a female in a female position.  Although she held a  position of prestige, she also had to deal with ignomy and shame...ala Lewins...

It also seems that she extrapolated a certain emphasis on the self...the human attribute to achieve.  She got some book deals that put her own money in her pockets.   She has a Juris Doctorate decayibg while she was sitting as first lady.  She has the acuity to recognize that power also comes from aligning oneself with someone who can be an ally towards one's goals...

This woman is not the everyday Jill who seeks a Mr. Moneybags.  Yet, she seems to  represent the female spirit in that they want a little of eah thing that life has to offer.

I recall seekng a picture at the white House where the current US President hosted ar reception for a British Royalty.  Many American Royalty er ex-First ladies were present minus their male escorts.  It is not clear if the secret service protection were male---but I would guess many were,  

The significant thing that I observed is that Hillary seemed to be on her own taking her sip of champagne...No Bill in sight.

I think that both genders suffer from the vestiges of cultural norms as Cynica talked about.

I agree that people need people, period.  No man or woman is an island....People will also work on themselves to
coexist with feales who want autonomy, have goodwill without wanting to deprive anyone of the mobility that they seek....

The love game is  rewarding but must be worked at.  Women seem to realize that although they might want a male companion, yet, the man has his weaknesses--whatever it is.  

In reading about those United Nations womn's conferences in China and/or in Africa, the universal need that women have articulated is the need for chidcare so that they can effectively provide for their young and for themselves,,,,  I would assume some of the young are akso male.  

It is understood that not many of these females concieved their young via artficial insemmination.  they either have or once had a male in their lives.   However, many have  the
responsibility of nurturing the next generation...they articulated the need for childcare--from an international mix of feales.  All counntries from within the United Nations' women's conference.  There are certain unspoken truths here,..

Needy females indeed....

However, this might be taking this blog to a far different level.

I think Carmen Miro might really be thinking of the outcome of
women earning better incomes, recogniing that they can make their own decisions and support their decsions and that the men who are intersted in them are a little frustrated.  

Deal with is a good thing.    They might be an asset to the male.

 Women have had to mother your naughty ways and are merely openly acting on what women have felt all along.  Those Royal ladies in France were merely doing what the poorer groups have now learned to exhibit. LOL.

Do we like to feel that we need our male to help to make important decisions?  Perhaps not.  Why?  Because womin (sp) have learned that they can hire their own advisors and it is no snub to the men who have an iterest in being acompanion.  HE JUST CANNOT BE HER ALL.

Further, many a male have always voiced a disregard for a clingy/needy woman even where he overtly created a needy and clingy woman,  It cannot possibly be a total desire of a female to rely on a male or to cling to him.  

Perhaps  Phinaeus might be articulating one truth about  the existence of the chauvinism in the average male?   Linda has it right...Needs are often individualistic...

I think that men have had to be re-educated about women and the complex nature of women.  Even corporations have had to educare many of their male on the appropriate way to onduct themselves in an arena of professional women.   So, I would venture to acknowledge some o Cynica's observations that there vestiges of societal cultures and norms that afflict our society...

Someone above talkd about the elderly ladies wanting a male escort.  Might be true, yet, I  have heard very young women allude to the fact that they feel a little more comfortable being acccompanied by a male because "the male out there looking...are often very aggressive and they have even had to walk close to NY City cops to rid themselves of the unwanted attention.    This might be a syndrome of  not being a member of the elite who can afford a body guard.  

Money plays a game  in all of this.

I am still thinkibg about this,  We need to pave the way for an amicable, profitable and pleasing solution to this male female scenario.

# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Friday, October 12, 2007 10:34 AM
Thanks for replying to my message! I appreciate I also wanted to mention (which I don't think I did) that the man I really care about is also a tauras born on April 30 mine is May 17. We were together a couple of weeks  (it was like old times. Since we don't live in the same town but I will be moving back to where I was in the first place so we will be closer. We'll see how busy he thinks he is at that time!  So in the mean time I will see my
"other friends" next week! AND he knows I do!
Time will tell and I finally like my life so much better! later barbara
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Friday, October 12, 2007 4:53 PM
I still think men mistake honesty/love/and compassion in a female as a weekness. They can't deal with the true honesty of the realationship, therefor they run and hide or take advantage of the females feelings to get  away with anything, thinking she's not going anywhere.
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Saturday, October 13, 2007 10:14 AM
Dear Ricewabbabe and Amazed by U

Some amazing points! One I want to stress again is the one Rice put out there, that we expect men to be strong, and are disappointed when they are not our all. Are we maybe falling into step with this  game? Why do we look to someone else? Like you said, this myth has been perpetuated by poverty or inequality, and it's time that changed. Slowly but surely....

Amazed by U, I feel it's a sad state that some men are not socialised as much to allow for emotion. This is not a statement for all men - I know of plenty of men who feel they are no different to us....except, interestingly enough, this reminds me of a conversation I had with someone who is transgender, or changing genders. After the hormone replacement ( and suppression ) therapy they felt what it was like to be female. All of a sudden, pain was more acute, and emotions more intense. I think it's a misnomer to be told it's a weakness to have to deal with biologically enhanced emotions - when in fact, you have to strength, acuity and resolve to deal with powerful emotion of that nature!

in fact, we are warrior women to be dealing so WELL with all that extra stuff. Weak? You ( men ) try going through what we do, and juggle family, and a carreer! It would be hard enough doing that without extra emotionality.

I think suffering and emotion is beautiful, it has inspired artists and writers, and has enriched our world. I look forward to a world where empathy is respected, and emotion is allowed.

Oh and thinking she's not going anywhere? Plenty of my clients do leave - it just takes them a bit longer sometimes, because they do allow for feeling and do need to work through that in a healthy manner, at their own pace. I find usually, when a female leaves for good, she is gone gone gone forever.


# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Saturday, October 13, 2007 11:41 PM
Ricewabbebe, I was thinking - it seems Africa has found a simple solution that could be applied on a larger scale...

I just saw a documentary on the Samburu women in Kenya, who have started their own community in order to avoid abuse and poor conditions.

They look after each other. Many have rejected men, in the romantic  and practical sense, but they tend to still look after the men in other ways, and have earned their respect ( and their business ), by working and doing such things as training men in agriculture and performing circumcisions on these men. They also take out micro loans and are starting their own beading businesses.
Their aim is not to go against cultural norms, but to establish their status quo - a right we all have, where the men are welcome to come and live, if they can abide by the rules :)

And here is the link to the Washington post article.

I find it fantastic that the Samburu women in Africa have this whole thing licked, and have decided to look after themselves and their children. As they say, their children are the 'fathers of the future'.
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Sunday, October 14, 2007 1:42 AM
Interesting feedback.

One of my clients who is now a retired dean of a major university, divorced her husband at the age of 65.  M is currently 88.  She dates.  I love her because the brain matter is what counts.  I will, shall, drive her anywhere she wishes.  

So, in my mind, there are # of compelling attractions, in the dating scene being, A}  introvert/extrovert. B)Hunter/gatherer vs. Hearth and home. I feel that there are basic fundamentals of collective, subconscious thinking, not to be ignored.

I only date bright people.  There are a lot of dates.  You would be surprised.  If I do not learn daily, something new, a perspective, = a wasted  day.  Actually, I received an e-m from my daughter, thanking me for teaching her how to learn.  Framed, on my office wall.  And, she will teach her kidlets. Humm.  This is a good thing.

Ain't broke, don't fix it!  It applies to dating, too.

Good wishes

# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Sunday, October 14, 2007 8:02 AM
You rock sister! Thanks for the reminder and the inspiration!
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Monday, October 15, 2007 9:19 AM
Fabulous perspectives, my friends. Thank you for adding something positive to my day. The changes taking place are beautiful. I'm in love with living!
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Wednesday, October 17, 2007 11:33 AM
The best article so far...
I made the same mistake at a guy level before I realised that I am probably "single" material with a need for friends for now. Living a life full of pre-programmed "should be's" tends to get us all to miss out on the soo many "could have been's" out there.
Do you have an older sister with the same outlook on life? :-)
# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Wednesday, October 17, 2007 7:07 PM
Thank you everyone, for your kind comments, and I apologise for not taking the time to get back to Lindadesjardins,Rachel, Mny Rose and Johnz1. So overwhelming, and so much food for thought - and I feel I cannot provide a thoughtful answer to each of you, as I have a bad bought of the seasonal flu. :( Pardon my rudeness.

My problem Johnz1 with this being a popular article is that I have many  ( more sedate ) topics I have to write about, but the ones from my heart always seem to get the most attention.

I am afraid since I am still not interested in relationships at this stage, this journal may become quite boring and I am not sure if I can ( nor do I wish ) to repeat this masterpiece of drama! ;p

Other news though on the other hand, I am going home ( to Africa ) this December, and that should bring up plenty of food for thought.

Hopefully though, more messages of peace and hope, than my bitter rantings :) ( though I find bitter less boring ).

In the meantime, I will resign myself to posting less incendiary topics as I doubt I will put myself into any more dicey situations.

As to your questions regarding my sister - there are about 10 of us in this article who seem to share my POV ( go sistas! ), so I am sure you will have no trouble finding one.

Actually ladies, I should use this opportunity to introduce Johnz1 to y'all, this long time client of mine comes highly  recommended by Carmen ;) Let me know if you are interested in a progressive, intelligent and spiritually assertive male! I can hook y'all up!;)


# re: The 'needy female' syndrome @ Friday, November 02, 2007 11:56 AM
Thank you for helping me see things more clearly and for the inspiration.
# simply click the following article @ Tuesday, September 16, 2014 1:59 PM
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