The Angel's Loft

Pull up a rafter and relax. Have a cup of your favorite beverage, and explore with me daily musings and comments on life. Enjoy.
Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears!

He calls you five times a day. You get a continual stream of text messages, instant messages, emails; he's all over you like flies on a cheap suit. He can't get enough of you. He's telling you a multitude of sweet nothings in your ear about how terrific you are. You're wonderful. You're everything he's ever wanted......Then, suddenly, he disappears - like aliens abducted him off the face of the planet. What happened???? He didn't just walk away, he ran faster than Michael Phelps' swimming at the Olympics!


There are a few factors that come into play, and the most critical one is YOU. "Hunh, say what?" You ask. Yup, YOU. So, how can you keep him from running off faster than a speeding bullet as he leaps tall buildings in a single bound desperate to get away from you? Here's my list (of course, based on my rudimentary research...)

1.  Be mysterious. If he is calling you 5 times a day, only take one call and let the others go to voice mail. You don't want to be eagerly available.

2.  Keep a poker face. Yes, you love the attention that you're getting from him, so savor it. Relish in it, bathe in it and enjoy the sunlight he's pouring on you and the sweet nothings he's lavishing you with.... but smile and just say, "How kind of you" - do not return the sweet nothings.

3.  Don't text him back immediately. (Much like don't return the calls immediately). You are busy! The last thing that he needs to think is that you have no life outside of the one that he apparently wants to build with you. If you text him immediately, he KNOWS you're right there waiting.

4.  Be silent. If you don't hear from him for a couple of days, do not fret or fear. You WILL hear from him. When you do, act as if all is fine. Do NOT ask him why he hasn't phoned you.

5.  Let HIM initiate. Always keep it YOUR choice to see him. Don't ask, "When will we get together again?" because as a mysterious creature, you don't care.

IF you are immediately available; IF you are responding with bullet speed at his text messages; IF you are always lurking online and readily responding to his instant messages, IF you are always eager to meet him anywhere anytime anyplace, and IF you insist on wanting to know when you'll see him again..... you can certainly expect that he will be gone in a flash. Why? (Again, there's that why) Because the chase is fun.

Don't get me wrong, these are NOT games... it's part of the dating dance and drawing boundaries.

Bottom line (borrowed from my mother) Let him chase you until he gets caught.


Available for your calls today!
Sending you angels,

# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 7:18 AM
Great blog!  So many of my girlfriends DO NOT understand this concept and wonder why guys always love and leave them in such a short amount of time.  They think its playing a game to not be "available" yet they are counting the minutes until the next call or date and planning their week around "possible/potential" plans with the new prospect.  Can we say desparate and available?  A guy can smell that a mile away.  And he will run like hell the second he catches a whiff.  And since when does any attention from the opposite sex equate to relationship material.  Come on ladies! Learn to dance with many until one sweeps you off your feet..AND that may take many dances to achieve.
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 7:31 AM
It's called a "dating game" for a reason! The thrill of the chase and the challenge - they feel of earning you! I love the way you've put it: "Dance with many until one sweeps you off your feet"...just don't hand him a broom to do it with - he has to earn that broom!
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 8:15 AM
Well I just learned this lesson!! I can't believe I fell for someone like this. Oh, the sweet nothings, and oh, hello beautiful, well now it is like I don't even exist, as a matter of fact if I try to call him, he hangs up on me. Guess the honeymoon phase is over, oh well hopefully I will be a stronger person next time~Such a true post from experience~(Guess he got caught)~Mothers know best~
One more note: Never believe them if they tell you that you are the only one!!!
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 8:27 AM
Heart&Soul - you learned, and there is the grace in that experience, and you won't repeat it the next time, now will you??? :-)
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 8:33 AM
As you can tell this blog hit a sore spot with me as I see so many of my friends get hurt b/c they don't understand what they are doing to sabotage these newly blossoming opportunities.  I keep hearing them say, "I don't want to play games" so I am going to let him know that I am looking for a relationship and be available if he asks me out.  But I can't get them to understand that its not "playing a game" to be unavailable"...Its learning to keep your priorities in line.  The minute he enters the scene doesn't grant him the prviledge to make it to the top of the priority list.  What happened to all the things that were happening in your life before he entered the scene.  Why should they take to the back burner b/c someone has now shown interest.  He needs to earn a spot at the top.  But letting him skip to the head of the class reeks desparation and neediness.  It spells DEPENDENCY!  And that would make anyone run...guy or girl.  Its not a game when you legitimately have plans.  Keeping girls nite out is a must.  You don't see him giving up his night with the boyz.  Putting all your eggs into one basket is allot of pressure on all.  It breeds disappointment and high expectations.  It would make me run faster than Marion Jones!!!  Yikes!  
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 8:55 AM
You bring up a critical point, PS - and that is that many WILL put EVERYTHING on hold for the new romantic interest. PART of WHY he is interested in the first place is because YOU are diversified and have a lot happening in your life. If, suddenly, there is nothing but HIM - yup, interest LOST. Great comments!
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 11:26 AM
Dear Jane:

This is a great blog!  I have been preaching these principles forever and it takes a little time to sink in but when you do realize that romance is the dance of life and you have to retain a little mystique to keep them coming back for another dance! Absolutely great blog and thanks for sharing Jane.

# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 12:09 PM
Oh Jane your blog made me laugh so hard... My mother put my father through hell before they got married .. and the interesting thing was she was only 14 years old.. They got married when she was 15.. however prior to the wedding.. every single time he showed up at her door she ignore him..( Back then you didn't have text messages, email or even phone calls.. not everyone had a telephone so if the boy wanted to see his lady love, he just showed up knocking on the door) My Father was persistent and my mother was stubborn.. he showed up every day after school.. and every day she had somewhere to be. She worked as a candy striper at the local hospital and played softball on the weekends.. and in between she went to the picture show with her girlfriends.
Your blog brought back memories she used to share with me.. In fact I don't even think they ever really dated that entire year because he would just show up at her softball games but never had any time for him.. He was smitten to say the least and figured the only way to have her was if he proposed.. and he did, and she said yes! The rest is history~
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 12:11 PM
I like your mother's saying...I constantly tell my clients to have THEIR life first, then see if they want to fit "HIM" into their schedule. Thanks for sharing the info in your blog...reminds me of the book "The Rules."
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 12:40 PM
Yup, I'll say it...  I don't like the "game playing" of dating.  What I mean is say what you want and be gone if the guy isn't stepping up to the plate.  Nope, not saying to tell the dude you're looking to be married.  But if you know you don't want a friends with benefits situation let it be known.  That's the whole point.  Why waste months pretending you're okay with that?  Be available...hell no, not saying that at all. My thing is this...if the guy is interested make him show you that he his.  There's a difference between playing hard to get and acting disinterested completely.  How many times have I gotten calls from clients who played too hard to get and the guy walked away because they were too insecure to stay in the picture.  It's a delicate balance is my point.  You must have your own life...I can agree with that because if you drop everything for that guy he will expect it even on a long term basis. But keep in mind...sometimes you play so hard to get...the guy is out there finding someone who makes him feel more comfortable. Hell, part of the dating game is also being able to recognize when the guy disappears because he's entertaining someone else and you aren't as important as you thought you were.  Just a thought...and yes it's happened to me so I can talk!!! LOL.
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Friday, September 19, 2008 5:12 PM
I agree that "playing" too hard to get is not genuine and the rewards for drawing hard lines in the sand are usually empty; however, there is a difference between boundaries and games when you are in the "getting to know you" stage.
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Saturday, September 20, 2008 7:58 AM

These are good guidelines to be sure.  But sometimes the issue of dating / courting is far more complicated than this.

Wouldn't it be lovely if it was this easy?

# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Saturday, September 20, 2008 9:35 AM
It doesn't HAVE to be "complex" Psychic Dad, but when our hearts are on the line, the "jitters" take over, and *presto* complex does enter the picture....
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Monday, September 29, 2008 11:36 AM
I am wondering the same thing.  I have been talking to a guy for 9 months though that after telling me how much he liked me in yet another email and tha the would talk to me Monday, has vanishd.  I have not even heard a hello in 5 weeks but he is in the Army and i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but don't know if I should just give up at this point.
# re: Why Does He Pursue and Persist...Then Disappear? @ Saturday, October 04, 2008 11:29 PM
play to hard to get with me i walk, i am an honest straight 4ward man. i dont play childish games. u want me say so u dont say so.
i hate the: ya u r a great guy even datable and even marriale but hey just want to be friends.
had a girl tell ask me questions like if we get married.....
he propose to me first b4 anyone else does, then tell me she never said anything other than wishing to e friends.
i state what i want out front u dont like see ya bye bye!!!!
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Thursday, August 20, 2009 9:23 AM
Hi, Mr. T.Allen Dustin:

You are obviously in a separate category, and this is merely a rudimentary foundation for those that are starting out dating; although it does apply to every POTENTIAL relationship.I don't believe, as I stated, that these are "games" just boundaries. I've heard horror stories about women that jump all over a man once he displays the slightest interest. I surveyed a lot of guys before writing this. Those that "state what they want, and if they don't like it, bye bye" maybe there's a bit of fear there? just food for thought....
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Thursday, August 20, 2009 10:33 AM
Great reminder and oh so true!!!  Thanks!
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:28 AM
Anti-social non-communicators??  
superficial wanna be needy ??  

people who lust too much,might CHEAT
be careful with that need for ego-stokes.don't follow your ego,and
over -dress,sell yourself either!

I have like most been fooled by
allure of "fame,money" and fast
talkers..but they mostly were players
and in the end,got
with me,being there healer..hows that for a story?

ITS IS about reliability.
sometimes,we get "spiritual good karma" and find a slam dunk...but
in the process,make sure you take
the lack of calls,emails,SERIOUS.
Its prob a booty call..esp after 10pm !!


# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Sunday, August 23, 2009 8:38 PM
Wow I do agree with this...I got a good one for you I was conversing with a guy who ended up telling me that he was not interested anymore cause there was too much mystery yes too much mystery!  I was not letting it all out on the table right away and I was providing only little details little at a time like you should and I was busy with other stuff.  He told me that there was too much mystery and he didn't like it!  Wierd one there I guess!  Any ideas on how most men like the mystery and like to chase but this one didn't and was just the opposite?
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Sunday, August 23, 2009 8:39 PM
May I add it was only 3 days that this guy and I were conversing....
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Monday, August 24, 2009 5:21 AM
only be available to him 1 time a day... i like that. With the Virgo Sun in play right now, i will definitely have to put that in affect and make more time for me to be happy than to catter to a man all the time.
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Sunday, May 16, 2010 2:25 PM
well.i've known this guy for abt 15 yrs he we used to talk and keep int ouch then i got in a relationship and so did he we kinda lost touch. we hook up years later at a friends party we were soo happy to see ach other. he started asking me out we went out for about year at times i felt he liked me and others i felt he was just my friend. he used to txt call msn bbm smoke signals all kinds of ways to communicate with alll the time even if he was at the club. anyhow, one day he just started to retract he stopped completely i called txt nothing so i left him alone well he came back and started calling n stuff till i showed interest again then he would back up. we always flirt with each other but never truly spoke about "US" per se. anyhow, he came to my house one night and we ended up in my room we slept together in the same bed but never once kissed or had intercourse we just hugged and cuddled and he held my hand on his chest all night. i felt sooo comfy like i belonged there like he was supposed to be with me. after that we talked like normal here and there 2 weeks after that we went out with friends and we ended up going to a hotel where caressed he went down on me and then i did the same but he wouldn't penetrate me! the next morning we made out yes with morning breath and all after waking up from having been nicely cuddled all night he responded he got hard i got wet i mean we were ready for take off and he then said that he had a stomach ache so we didn't have sex. we talk as if nothing and when it was time for us to check out at mid day we did. he called me that nite and we've talked since it's been abt 3 weeks and nothing he doesn't want to see me physically yet makes sure he contacts me via txt email or something. I usually leave him alone and don't harrass him abt him not calling or seeing me and he usually comes back. ALTHOUGH, I AM VERY INTERESTED IN HIM AND I TRULY FEEL HE IS INTO ME IDK, WHY HE ACTS THIS WAY. ADVICE/INPUT  ANYONE....
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Tuesday, May 22, 2012 9:14 PM
You know, some of this really irks me.  Some of it is like blaming the victim.  I'm as independent as they come - I'm about to by my first house, SINGLE.  It's not necessarily a deficiency on the woman's part if a guy freaks out at the conscious or unconscious prospect of being vulnerable to another human being.  The truth is, intimacy scares a lot of people - men and women.  It is their inability to be authentic with others that makes it so difficult to just be honest with someone and say "I'm sorry but I don't want to pursue this because I'm just not feeling it right now."  It's really NOT THAT HARD.  Children run away.  Adults communicate.
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Thursday, June 07, 2012 6:29 AM
Dear Jane, some other web sites are suggesting exactly the same things (your 5 points) to us guys. Now, what if we both play the same game? We run the risk of losing contact thinking the other one is not interested or has lost interest, especially in the early phases of dating.
# Sorry OP, I @ Saturday, April 27, 2013 10:30 AM
I'm sick of reading blogs telling women how to "play" men. Don't get me wrong--thrill of the chase, keeping some mystery, those are all valid points. But you can't attribute a guys' disappearing solely to a woman's failure to do these things.

I actually find this blog pretty offensive. Why is it always the woman's fault!? If a guy disappears and then reappears it's because he's a jerk! He was using you. He went to chase someone he finds more interesting. He's keeping his options open. Women shouldn't blame themselves for this disgusting behavior. Men will leave even the most beautiful engaging entertaining woman in the world. Why? Because the possibility of finding someone even better is irresistible to them. The problem is the men who do this, not the women.
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 4:11 AM
I was a booty call
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Wednesday, May 29, 2013 10:29 PM
Why can a guy call all the time but a woman can't?  It sounds like the guy is needy and when he gets that back, he runs.  Immature.  Why play games?  I feel in love with a guy who made me feel I could be myself.  Why not go for that?  If a guy loves you, he won't play games or expect you to accept his.
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Saturday, January 18, 2014 10:31 AM
Greetings people. I rarely leave comments on forums or a blogs like this, but I felt a bit compelled to do so on here, so here goes..

Well, maybe I'm just a different type of man, but have to say, I pretty much disagree with almost everything that everyone has said on this topic here, including the creator of it (Jane Wilcox I believe it is) and I'll tell you why.

First of all, personally, I'm the type of guy where if you keep pushing me away (be it subtle or not), I'm going to eventually go *poof*. Can you say: Common Sense? This is something everyone has failed to mention here. Point being, some men aren't going to be around long enough to play cat and mouse with you, regardless of how beautiful or talented you might be. If anything, you're going to just tick some men off - either later on if/when he gets what he wants or sometimes even if he doesn't get what he wants. Think of it as a "strike" with some men (and not always still visible on the surface). If you keep them swinging at the ball one too many times, it's done, indefinitely. Bank on it. That's just for starters.

Secondly, there's something jealously related which is a HUGE factor for a guy such as myself, and it goes a little something like this: If you know that I might be interested in you, yet still play that 'jealousy game' with me and so much as even act like you're screwing around with another guy (despite what they do on that TV show), you just created an instant ghost. Now you can say *poof* for sure. Instant 3 strikes.. or better yet, lightning strike. Even though he might still seem all cool after you did what you thought might attract him even more and even though he might still talk to you or smile, whatever.. inside he's most likely boiling. Trust me, nothing can repair that with some men. So for some, I'd tread very carefully when using jealousy or he's loooooong goooooooone, never to return. Seriously.

Lastly, snottiness and defiance. Defy me too many times, I'm through for good. I'm not only through, I'm bitter. Keep up the snotty attitude with that haughty or arrogant demeanor and it's on like Donkey Kong. Don't go there at all with some guys because it's an instant bub-bye. You may even make yourself an enemy.

OH - and don't use Summer's Eve douche products. For some men, it can leave a permanently nauseating imprint upon their sub-conscious psyche. Flowery perfumes can RUIN you for good. Trust me on that one.
The last things you'll hear are his car speeding out of your driveway and a dial tone on his phone from being disconnected.

And if he likes a feminine woman with a little bit of jiggle to her butt, don't work out on the treadmill too much because when he looks down he'll feel like he's driving another man. I'll let you figure that one out. ~
# re: Why He PURSUES & PERSISTS...Then *Poof*...Disappears! @ Wednesday, July 23, 2014 5:08 PM
I have to agree with can't keep pushing someone away and expect them to keep coming back.

I have been in a situation with a man who did this to me and I recently kicked him to the curb. It was cruel and hurtful for him to treat me like that know I love him with all my heart. Enough is enough! I am better then that and deserve more then games. I thrive on honesty and integrity, not abusive head games.  No one should put up with hot and cold behavior it's a sigh of being used and disrespected.  Don't listen to their excuses of why they do it so they can get back in your life to repeat the torture. There just stories!

I'm straight up with my dates and relationships. I expect the same thing in return.  I realize life is never cut and dry and people get confused but one, two three strikes your out!  Trust your gut instinct, sometimes one strike is enough.

Sound harsh? The way I see it is I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he blew it to many times. I am a kind and caring person, full of fire and life I don't need to be treated like I don't mater enough to be treated kindly in return. I would not do that to someone and I don't expect to have it done to me. We teach people how we want to be treated.  I just schooled him!  I was not cruel or harsh , I just simply told him how I loved him but refuse to be treated that way.  Yes it hurts but it's an easier hurt then hot and cold over and over.

There are more fish in the sea...

When I love someone I love them. I don't cause hurt or confusion by game playing and no one should.  
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