Finding Joy by Marie Anna

A place where people can share inspirational stories of manifestation, hope and bliss. Let's exchange information about what techniques, beliefs and ideas are more effective to gaining the most out of life.
Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW

How can one take advantage of another person in the name of love?

"If you love me you will........

  • have sex with me whenever I show up, whether I take you to dinner or show up at 4:00 in the morning."
  • give me money when I need it. It doesn't matter if you need that money. You will be selfless and give it to me."
  • avoid you family and friends because they don't like me."
  • accept the blame for the things that I have done."
  • apologize even though it's my fault."
  • accept the fact that I don't call when I say that I'm going to call. I'll get back to you when I feel like it."
  • sacrifice your self esteem because I create uncertainty in our relationship."
  • sacrifice your self esteem, because I might just go out with someone else that I fancy."
  • know that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not doing anything, so what could I be doing wrong?"

What's wrong with all of this?

This is covert abuse. Covert abuse is abuse that isn't hitting or yelling. Because their abuse isn't overt (hitting or yelling) it's hard to put one's figure on it. Covert abuse is abuse. It;'s emotional abuse, it's manipulative, and it's damaging. The problem with covert abuse one some times doesn't even recognize that it's happening until later and they frequently don't know how to heal. It creates deep emotional scars, depression, low self-esteem and other issues that can prevent one from having other healthy and loving relationships.

People, man or woman, that behaves in this manner towards someone else is abusive and probably has border line personality disorders.

What kind of personality disorders:

Passive/Agressive: Link-

Narcissism: Link-

These are only two, but there's a myriad of disorders and behaviors that could be exhibited in the behavior above.

No one can change this behavior out of another. These are learned manipulation and control. Years of therapy, possibility meds will be the way these behaviors are changed. However, most of these types of covert abusers don't think that they have a problem. It's working for them and if someone does have a problem with their behavior then that person is mentally ill. After all, they aren't doing anything wrong.

Never ever believe that these types of people will change. They absolutely won't. Don't bother yourself believing that they will.


# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Monday, May 12, 2008 1:11 AM
Excellent post.  The more we bring these types of personality disorders to the attention of others the better. You are absolutely right when you state that for the most part these type of abusers don't change unless they do have extensive therapy.  Thanks for sharing this with all of us.  

# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Monday, May 12, 2008 6:30 AM
Wow, you are describing both my mother and my ex husband.  However, like most classic abusers, they are NEVER wrong!  It is YOU who is always wrong.  Gee, if you were just a better wife or a better daughter they wouldn't have to be this way.  It's YOUR fault that they are abusing you.

Of course, it doesn't matter what you do or how hard you try, it will never be good enough.

I walked out of my mother's life for good four years ago.  I dumped my ex two years later.

Life is good.

# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Monday, June 09, 2008 9:03 PM
Great read... Reminds me of how i never want to be like.

# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Saturday, August 30, 2008 12:41 PM
Unfortunately, Maria Anna, I must agree with you: I don't believe this kind of person ever changes either.  I don't believe they can.

It is tragic for the victims who get involved with them.

Forewarned is forearmed.
# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Friday, December 05, 2008 2:54 PM
But i didn't tell you the person I asked about has done that sort of behavior towards me and that's one of the reasons that i dont know if i can trust him anymore... what to do?
# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Wednesday, November 11, 2009 9:55 AM
Wonderful post!
# re: Ultimate Abuses: BE WARNED NOW @ Friday, December 09, 2011 7:13 AM
Thanks for sharing..its sad but true
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