I am a long time fan of Dr. Gottmans. His research has helped me understand how and why things can go so sour, so quick in a relationship.

"Following over 35 years of research, Dr. Gottman has discovered something very surprising. He now understands  something that is counter-intuitive to many of us. Even those who are aware of its occurance in our everyday relationships rarely pay it any attention. What are we talking about? Dr. Gottman calls it the sliding door moment. Sliding door moments are the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments filled with the words we haphazardly throw back and forth at each other, accompanied by little evanescent pains, frustrations, joys, and laughter, flying through our minds and our hearts, that make or break the most important relationships in our lives

Most of us focus on the blow-outs: the shouting matches and door slamming competitions, what the British adorably and somewhat incomprehensibly refer to as “rows.” According to Dr. Gottman’s studies, this is both totally understandable, and utterly ludicrous if we want to truly solve the problems at the source of these awful fights.

Dr. Gottman’s findings shared in his upcoming book build on previous conclusions that he has shared about his research in his earlier publications, particularly The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Science of Trust. During what he refers to as “sliding door moments,” when one partner bids for the other’s attention, relationships are made or broken. During the everyday moments we share (or try to share!) with our partner, from “I love you” to “Did you see that crazy jerk cut in front of me?,” we expect or hope for a return – a hug or a kiss, shared laughter, or simple acknowledgment. 

When our partners do not respond and turn away or against our bids for emotional connection, we begin to lose trust in them. Though Dr. Gottman explains that the reasons for failed connection are often the result of mindlessness, not malice, they add up (or take away) from a relationship over time, creating complex and all-encompassing systems of Positive or Negative Sentiment Override. 

In his upcoming book on trust and betrayal What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman does more than show awareness for the unending emotional toll of failed attempts at bids – what he refers to as the unsuccessful sliding door moments. He gives readers the tools to helping each other to crack that door open and leave it permanently ajar. If you are tired of peering through the keyhole into your partner’s life, you simply cannot trust them. Dr. Gottman’s advice is to listen to that feeling."
- Ellie Lisitsa, staff writer at The Gottman Institute

Ask yourself:
 Am I turning away from my partners bids?

 Is my  distrust of my partner for a reason?

How can I respond better to my partner?

I am a huge fan of Dr. John Gottmans books, One of the things that I was reading lately really stuck in my mind.

In his "The 6 things that predict divorce" I thought of a lot of couples I know, these things become so common in a relationship that they become normal, and eventually lead to divorce. I think everyone should ask themselves a few questions

Is this MY relationship?

What can I do to fix the issues we're having?

Can I forgive and move on from the issues we've had?

"1. Harsh Startup

The most obvious indicator that a conflict discussion (and marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm (a form on contempt), it has begun with a “harsh startup.” The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note. Statistics tell the story: 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the interaction.

2. The Four Horsemen Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that we call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Read more about The Four Horsemen and their antidotes here.

3. Flooding

Flooding means that your partner’s negativity – whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness – is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. A marriage’s meltdown can be predicted, then, by habitual harsh startup and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict a divorce, they usually coexist in an unhappy marriage.

4. Body Language

When Dr. Gottman monitored couples for bodily changes during a conflict discussion, he could see just how physically distressing flooding was. One of the most apparent of these physical reactions is that the heart speeds up – pounding away at more than 100 beats per minute – even as high as 165. Hormonal changes occur, too, including the secretion of adrenaline. Blood pressure also mounts. The physical sensations of feeling flooded make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

5. Failed Repair Attempts

It takes time for the four horsemen and flooding that comes in their wake to overrun a marriage. And yet, divorce can so often be predicted by listening to a single conversation. How can this be? The answer is that by analyzing any disagreement a couple has, you get a good sense of the pattern they tend to follow. A crucial part of that pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail. Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a discussion. The failure of these attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future. Read more about repair attempts here.

6. Bad Memories

When Dr. Gottman interviews couples, he asks them about the history of their relationship. In a happy marriage, couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. They remember how positive they felt early on, how excited they were when they met, and how much admiration they had for each other. When they talk about the tough times they’ve had, they glorify the struggles they’ve been through, drawing strength from the adversity they weathered together. Conduct your own Oral History Interview here. "
- By Michael Fulwiler, Editor in Chief of The Gottman Relationship Blog and Director of Marketing for The Gottman Institute.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

“He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions.”

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

“Silence is a true friend who never betrays.”

“Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others.”

“When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.”

“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”

“The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.”

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.”

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.”

“Those who cannot forgive others break the bridge over which they themselves must pass.”

“As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances.”

“I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being.”

Since ancient times, animals have been described as being much closer to the spirit world than humans. Their connection to the other side is often noticed by the owners.

I have always had pets, whom I consider more like family than pets. From an early age I noticed my cats would seem to react to the things I was sensing in my house, and my Dogs could always sense that somebody wasn't a good person before I could.

Because of this I have learned to look towards my animals for guidance, My beloved faithful dog will often tell me if its safe to let someone in the house. One of my Siamese cats will look into mirrors, purring for hours at something ( or someone) I can only sense.

After my ferret passed I would see a streak of white light run around the house, I know this was him. My bond with him was very strong, and I know he has stuck around to comfort us, and remind us that just because he has left his body, Doesn't mean he has left us. Sometimes, I still sense him here a year later, he filled our lives with joy, and he continues to do so after death.

In this modern world most people have lost touch with this gift, however it seems as though animals have not. I often say, always trust your instincts, but trust your animals more. If your beloved pet has a dislike for something, or someone in your life, There may be an otherworldly reason.

does your cat sense a presence in your house you cannot?

Is your dogs dislike of your partner for reasons only your dog knows?

Has your pet stuck around after death to guide you?

Pay attention to your animals, They may be trying to tell you something

There's a reason we call them our " special someone", they often mean the world to us. When things get busy it can be hard to make them feel special, if the spark is fading, it's time to fix it! Here's some of my tips that I use to make sure my significant other feels special and wanted.

  • DATE! Yes dating can seem like a hassle, all the planning and money that goes into it sometimes can make it feel like more work then fun, So make it easy on yourselves. Find a jar or box, write a bunch of date ideas that you'd both like to do and put them in it. When it's time for date night, pull an idea! The anticipation of the next date night  can add a lot of excitement.
  • LOVE LETTERS. Leaving love letters for your partner to find is a surprising way to remind your partner how much you love them. I often leave letters in my partners jacket pocket, by their computer, and even on the mirror with a dry erase marker. My partner now does the same for me, and finding those notes always remind me of how special I am to them. If you run out of ideas, try a love poem!
  • MAKE THEM SOMETHING NICE. How nice is it to feel cared for? I think that's a feeling everyone  wants to feel. Making your partner a pot of coffee, a smoothie, a meal, or a surprise dessert ( cookies! ) can be a nice welcoming surprise to a bad day. Bonus points if it's one of their favorites.
  • LISTEN. Sometimes, knowing you care about their troubles can make someone feel special. While it can be hard to listen to someone if you feel like their concerns aren't serious, or their bad day wasn't THAT bad, try to keep an open heart. Be sure to let them know their emotions are valid , even if they're not to you.
  • COMPROMISE. Meeting your partner half way on an issue can make them feel special. Is there a show they've been wanting to see that you don't? Maybe go see the show, if you can go to your favorite restaurant after.Try not to get frustrated if they don't like your compromise, that just means you need to find one that works better for both of you .
  • HUGS. When things get busy, the psychical connection tends to be the first to go. The little things couples do throughout the day, Hugs, Goodbye kiss, Hello kiss, holding hands, These all keep the connection open, Make sure they don't stop!
  • PRAISE. Praising someone makes them feel good, it raises their confidence and enforces positive aspects of them. Sometimes the little things can go unnoticed, taking out the trash, stopping at the store on their way home, cleaning the car, Ect. Make sure your partner knows you appreciate them.
  • COMPLIMENT. Whens the last time you told your partner they are handsome/beautiful? If it wasn't today then tell them! A compliment can tell someone that they're special to you.

With that said, go out and show your partner their special!


I am so happy to be able to offer chat to my clients! Chat really helps give clients the best psychic experience available. If you are around family, friends, at work, and you need quick answers, chat is a great option! If you are feeling upset, if you want to be able to look over the chat later,  or just don't feel like talking on the phone, chat is the option for you!

One of the reasons I love chat, is that I can shuffle while you type out your question, and give you fast answers. I pride myself in my ability to type quickly, and clearly to help you get the answers you need as soon as possibly.

While I do love chat, I do ask that you type out your questions one at a time, so your reading can go faster, and save you money. As always, I remain non-judgmental of your situations, and your questions, and focus on giving you the answers and insight you need.

I look forward to many more chats with my clients, and future clients  :)

Many Blessings

       Tips to attract positive energy into your life

Negativity is everywhere we look in this modern world, attracting positive energy gets lost in the busy lifestyles of many.
Here are some tips I use in my daily life to create a better environment for myself, and others.

   Be a better person, Attract better people

  • Think about your daily attitude, does it reflect how you would like to feel?  Are you thinking more negatively and speaking negatively about others? Gossiping and complaining about others doesn't attract positive energy. When you feel frustrated think of one compliment you could tell that person. Don't avoid venting though, holding negativity in will make you feel worse. Imagine a box, put anything you would like to vent about in that box. Set aside a few minutes a day to go through that box and "clean it out", It helps if you have a trusted person to vent to, if no ones available, write it down!
  • Compliment more than you criticize.
  • Be helpful. Hold doors open, help elderly and disabled people reach things from the bottom or top shelf, let a car over, simple acts of service can be tremendously helpful.
  • Put yourself in others situations, Its easy to blame the cashier for taking a long time, but think of everything that could go wrong with their computers, and who they've had to deal with. Being kind and understanding is something we would want someone to do for us, so we should do the same.

When you do good things you attract positive energy, and it can help you  feel better about yourself too!

  Creating a better reality for yourself is something anyone can do, small changes make big results.

Creating happiness in yourself relies on you Others are not in change of your happiness, blaming others for your misfortune will have the opposite affect. You invite people into your life daily, do you accept people into your personal life who reflect negative energy, or positive? If you don't want to remove this person from your life, let their negativity flow pass you and not attach to you, YOU are in charge.

This positive about not ideal situations. You are in charge of how you think, you can decide if a situation is worth hanging onto negativity. Meditate and imagine releasing the situation into the universe, if you can't change it, let it go. If you can change it, fix it.

Ask yourself if something makes you happy In a world where most people believe happiness is items, cars, houses, clothes, It can be difficult to remember that these things might not make you happy. Before you decide to purchase an item, ask yourself if you are buying this to impress, if you are buying it to fit in, or if you are buying it to make you happy. Things will fade, your happiness will not, don't put yourself in situations where things are above your happiness.

Take care of yourself When you take care of yourself, you feel better. You are happier, you think clearly, and your able to deal with non ideal situations. Meditate often, think positively about yourself, praise yourself. You deserve to be happy

These are just some tips I use in my life to create a happy environment

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” 
Mahatma Gandhi

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
 Margaret Mead

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” 
 Albert Einstein

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” 

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.” 
John Lennon

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 
paulo coelho, the alchemist

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” 
 Oprah Winfrey

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” 
-sharon salzberg

“The desire to reach for the stars is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise.” 
 Maya Angelou
"World-renowned relationship researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman, has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of people. From his research has emerged a practice that is important to the emotional connection between two people – the act of “turning toward” your loved one when a bid is made. What is a bid?

According to Gottman, a bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection.  “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. Therefore, it is good to familiarize ourselves with what bids are and to be mindful, being on the lookout for what our children say or do that may be a bid for connection. How we respond to these bids has a great impact on the connectedness we share with our loved ones. There are 3 responses to bids: positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away).

Take for example a simple bid for attention. “Will you play with me?” A positive response would either be “Yes, let’s play” or something like “Oh, I would LOVE to play with you. You are my favorite person in the whole world to play with. At 6:00, I’ll be finished with my work and ready to play. Let’s make it a date!” This helps the child feel acknowledged and important. Each time you turn toward your child in this way, Gottman says you are making a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account.

Bids are offered both verbally and nonverbally, and it isn’t always easy to discern that a bid is being made, which is why being aware and positively responsive is key in building emotional connection. A toddler who holds his arms up to be picked up is making a bid for attention or affection. Poor behavior may also be a bid. How should we respond if a child makes a bid in a negative way, such as through misbehavior or a tantrum? Conventional parenting wisdom says to respond negatively so as not to reinforce the poor behavior or tantrum, but children are often doing the best they can in that moment to get their needs met. No matter if the bid comes in the form of a sweet “mommy or daddy, let’s play” or a screaming tantrum, the message is exactly the same. “Notice me. Show me I matter.” By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, we fill our child’s emotional bank account and build connection. A child with a full bank is less likely to make bids in negative ways.

Here are some ways to “turn toward” your children when a bid is made:

  • Be attentive when they’re speaking to you. When we are too busy to look up and pay attention, we miss an important chance for connection. Be intentional about putting away distractions and focusing on your loved ones as often as possible.
  • Be concerned about what they are concerned with. Even if what they are concerned about seems trivial, showing that you are concerned because they are builds the relationship.
  • Convey the message “you are known and accepted” as much as you can.
  • Avoid criticism and these 3 other relationship destroyers.
  • Say “yes” to play. We have lots of other things to do, but nothing more important.
  • Greet with enthusiasm. In the morning, after school, or after any extended separation, greet your children with warmth and a smile. Showing our children that we delight in them is a very simple but powerful connection builder.

It isn’t possible to always give positive responses to bids, and that’s okay. The intention is to try, and when we fail, we can always come back to repair by making our own bids to them. As with all relationships, it’s about the quality of connection, not the presence of perfection.

*Editor’s Note: This article originally appeared on creativechild.com and has been reprinted with the author’s permission." - by Rebecca Eanes , founder of positive-parents.org and creator of Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond.

How can you avoid relationship destroyers?

As an " owner" (  really hate that word, everyone knows they own me) of two beautiful Siamese/Manx mix cats, I can tell you, cats are temperamental creatures.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why cats act the way they act towards people? some will be fine with one person, yet seem to hate another.
Cats are capable of many things, one thing is their ability to know someones true nature and intentions.

My female cat LOVES some people, she'll sit on their lap, follow them around, she's not shy at all. However , I did notice with some people she would hide, run, and glare at them, later on these people proved that they weren't really my friends, My cat warned me.  It's important to note that a cat can also tend to dislike people who don't like cats, and who are allergic. They sense the disconnect.

 With that being said, cats are  capable of jealousy just as much as any other creature, so it can be hard to tell if your cat is feeling jealous, or if he senses something about someone. My male cat is often jealous  of my partner, he'll sit between us, when my partner and I are talking he'll sit on my lap, this doesn't mean my partner is a bad person with bad intentions, it means my cat is jealous of our connection at the time. I know this because my cat likes him, they bond and play when I am not around, he naps with him and everything. He doesn't fear him, or hide, so I know my cat accepts him into his life.  Even as I type this my cat has gotten in between me and the computer, I guess I am no longer allowed to type.

Pay attention to your cats cues about others, know what your cats body language is saying, It could help you make better choices about  who you allow into your home.

Happy first day of spring!
Along with the flowers, sun, and beautiful rain storms, Spring can be a great time to refresh your energy. Here are some things I personally use.

1. Spring Cleaning!
It can seem like such a cliche, it can seem like something that is difficult and not fun at all, but it is so good for your mental health and energy!
I often go through my clothes, donate anything I don't wear any longer. I wipe down the walls, scrub the floors and baseboards, wash the windows, dust the hard to reach areas that can get ignored. While you're cleaning, don't forget to think positively about how clean and fresh your home will be, listen to some good music, and enjoy the great feeling that comes with a clean home. Don't forget to clean your car!

2. Do something special for yourself.
Have you been putting off buying new shoes? Getting your hair done? A movie that you really want to see? Do it!

3. Focus on your health.
Eat well, stay hydrated, get exercise. If you've been putting off a doctors appointment, now is the time! You will feel better if you feel healthy.

4. Do something fun with others.
Go on a nice walk with a friend, go see that movie you wanted to see, go golfing! Whatever you want to do, go out with friends or family and socialize.

5. Take some time to relax.
Take a nice bath, read a good book, or just take a nap. Relaxing is good for your physical and mental health, and you will feel renewed and ready to tackle any stresses that come about.

I hope your spring is wonderful!
Many Blessings
Here are some quotes from my all time favorite psychologist who focuses on relationship analysis. He is the author of:
  • - "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: What You Can Learn from the Breakthrough Research to Make Your Marriage Last."
  • "The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples."
  • " The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Connections with Family, Friends, and Lovers."

and many many more wonderful books based on his findings.

"Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce."

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

“In the midst of a bitter dispute, the husband or wife picks up a ringing telephone and is suddenly all smiles: “Oh, hi. Yes, it would be great to have lunch. No problem, Tuesday would be fine. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job. You must feel so disappointed,” and so on.”

“Converting a complaint into a positive need requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can do that would work. It may be helpful here to review my belief that within every negative feeling there is a longing, a wish, and, because of that, there is a recipe for success. It is the speaker’s job to discover that recipe. The speaker is really saying “Here’s what I feel, and here’s what I need from you.” Or, in processing a negative event that has already happened, the speaker is saying, “Here’s what I felt, and here’s what I needed from you.”

“Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

“Our gridlocked conflicts contain the potential for great intimacy between us. But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are—fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.”

“When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.”

In this time of year its easy to stress, SO much is going on, the roads and stores are packed, and you still have to continue with your daily necessities. Getting by can be a work load in itself, which is why I have compiled a list of some things I've tested to de-stress.

#1:Laugh ( A lot! )
Laughter is good for your soul, which is good for your body.Laughter makes even the deepest stress fade. Enjoy a funny movie, Invite some friends over, Have a board game night! The options are limitless, do what you have to do to get a good laugh.

#2: Be selfish
I know, I know... This is the time to GIVE, but come on you have to take some time to yourself. Take a nice relaxing bath, say no thanks to that party you really don't want to go to. Get a massage, get a manicure, get your hair done. Anything to put yourself first for a change. Remember, You can't take care of others until you take care of yourself.

#3: Take care of yourself ( and your family)
It is SO easy to forget self care routines in this season, who has time to exercise when your to-do list is a mile high? exercise is one of the best stress relievers, It doesn't have to be tedious and boring. Make it fun! Go to a scenic park, have some friendly competition with your friends. Join a fun exercise class you've been wanting to try. You also need to be aware of what you're eating, while its healthy and normal to indulge every once and awhile, don't forget to eat a balanced diet. If you eat well, you feel well. Make sure your family is eating well too.

#4: Write lists/Budget
I am a firm believer in lists, writing things down keeps them out of your head. Have a detailed plan of how you need things to go. I plan out everything from buying gifts, to wrapping them. Having lists helps you stay organized ( no more 1AM trips to the store for tape and bows) , which helps to de-stress. With that being said, Don't fear changing the lists, Things come up and that's OK! Take a breath and carry on. Making a budget ( and sticking to it) can really help with stress, if you planned a $30 gift for a friend, spending $40 could stretch your budget and add extra stress. It's not the gift that counts, its the thought.

#5: Enjoy the little things Hug more, Kiss more, thank more. The little things in life make our lives special, don't sweat the small stuff.

“ Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”- Albert Einstein

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you anywhere.”-Albert Einstein

 “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

 “However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?” - Buddha

 “You,yourself,as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

 "In this life we cannot always do great things, but we can do small things with great love."-Mother Teresa

“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss
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