Modern Sibyl

Modern Intuitive Insight

It's an all too familiar pattern. Things are really good. There is connectivity, intimacy, affection and he/she is responsive to your emails/calls/texts. You feel like we are building momentum and that evolution is soon to come. And it's an evolution you’ve long waited for. You have put in so much effort, pouring your heart and soul into this connection.

And then things start to slow.

Things begin to feel disconnected again.

They take longer to respond to your texts/emails/calls. The affection begins to dwindle and they seem less intimate outside the bedroom. You begin to feel they are pulling away.

Pretty soon things slow to a near standstill and your pulse is racing. Your heart is aching. You want to know why this is happening. You want to understand. But when you bring it up to them they are dismissive.

“I'm just busy with work.”

“I'm just stressed out and have a lot on my mind.”

“Things are fine. I don’t know why you feel the way you do!”

If this resonates with you then the pattern of a back and forth lover, a non-committal partner, is one that you know all too well. You have been there or maybe you still are there. The struggle is very, very real.  

But what can you do to change this debilitating pattern?

Dealing with a non-committal partner is a difficult pattern to break. Typically this is because by the time you realize you are in one there are patterns that are pretty entrenched in this connection. The emotional roller-coaster of a back and forth relationship can leave you feeling emotionally depleted and at your wits end. The good news is that there are ways that you can shift this pattern.

First assess what you are doing right now. What is your pattern in reaction to this wave of hot and cold? Do you send off message after message when you begin to feel they are pulling away? Do you become emotional and begin to make a huge deal about what is going on and what you are sensing?

Whatever it is that you are doing I encourage you to do the opposite. This is two-fold. Firstly I want all of you to know that giving to a fault never gives you what you are after. If all you’ve given thus far has not resulted in his total and consistent commitment why would giving more suddenly shift things in your favor? They won't. They will just continue to take and you will continue to build up resentment as they take all that you have to offer with hardly any concern to your needs.

The fact of the matter is when in love we are doers. We do not wait to be asked for help, we swoop in to deliver what we can see is needed. We go above and beyond for those we love. They want cookies? Got ‘em made. They want sex several times a night? We are ready. They seem bummed out because of stresses at work? We make the reservations at their favorite restaurant and give them a 30 minute massage at the end of the night.

But the fact is they may not have asked for any of that and because of this they do not seem to understand the exchange involved. Meaning they just take what you are offering and do not feel obligated to then do for you.

In addition to this, however, because we are doing so much, when typically getting so little, we set a pattern of what is acceptable.

We tell them that even though they have not committed to us fully we will still give them everything they could possible want and then some.

Now this doesn't mean that you should reverse your actions to such a degree that you say and do nothing. Quite the contrary. I want you to calmly broach the topic. I want you to call out the pattern. I want you to stand strong in that power as they try to dismiss it or gaslight the situation making you feel like you must be perceiving everything in correctly.

I want you to call their crap.

This can be hard for us. “What if they walk away?” “What if they end things?”

We are conditioned in this fear that it's better to take something than to get nothing. But what we fail to realize is that in doing this we set a precedence. We teach them how to treat us and in this case we are teaching them that we are not worthy of the commitment we so desperately want.

And the truth is if they are your standard back and forth, non-committal lover then whether you dissolve into freneticism and tears or you calmly call them on their crap they are going to end things for a period of time regardless. That is part of the pattern. You mention what they are doing, they blow it off, you insist that you are in fact not crazy and this is in fact happening and they suggest maybe taking some time apart.

It's as predictable as the sun setting and rising the next day.

Which leads to the second step you take which is to agree. “Maybe we should take some time apart for you to assess whether you want to step up to the plate and be the partner I need.”

Its a strong statement and its ok to say it even as you are shaking in your boots.

And then I want you to back it up. I want you to refrain from sending texts/emails and dialing their number. I want you to refrain from responding to anything they send you. And they will send you something. They will reach out (they’ve already done it in the past and in this case the past is the greatest determiner of the future). And unlike before when you would raise to respond because you were so happy they were coming back around you are going to sit on it.

Turn the phone off. Save the email. Do not return the call.

How long is up to you but I suggest waiting at least a day or two. This isn't a game, this is you reprioritizing. Whereas before you would have responded the moment you saw the message today you are putting you first. You are mirroring their behavior. You are letting them wonder “what is she doing?” “who is she with?” “does she still care?”

And you are asking yourself those same questions.

Because part of truly shifting this pattern is putting that same amount of effort and focus you put into them into yourself. You are making sure that you are well rooted in your self worth. That you are pursuing a relationship for the right reasons. Because if you are pursuing a relationship for the right reasons then you will not accept intolerable behavior from someone who comes in and out of your life like it's a revolving door.

Its when we love someone, value them and respect them more than we love, respect and value ourselves. When we simply want somebody in our life to validate our worth, make us feel loved and less lonely in this world that we ultimately allow someone to come in and out of our lives.

But this is not about having just anyone in your life. Its having the right someone in your life. Someone who sees you for the amazing person that you are. Someone who shares in your values and vision for partnership. Someone who wants to hear how you are feeling because they desire to be a partner worthy of being with you.

When you can solidify that foundation of self worth you will find rather effortlessly that those who couldn't quite get a handle on what they wanted suddenly know exactly who they want.

The question then becomes whether you still want them.

Let me help guide you through this sometimes scary process of shifting this pattern of back and forth in your relationship. You do not need to suffer in these patterns alone and nor do you need to resign yourself to a life of hurt and difficulty. Our work can help you achieve the relationship that you desire and feel good. Which is what love is supposed to be about.

Mercury is heading into its first retrograde of 2018 on March 22nd and lasting until April 15th, taking place entirely in fiery Aries. Before we commit to hiding under the covers, intent to avoid the common Mercury Retrograde challenges, let's take a look at how best to navigate this transit. Mercury retrograde offers up a dual potential for both rapid success and constant challenge. With any Mercury Retrograde, the thing to keep in mind is the prefix “re.” This is a time for reassessment, redoing, rethinking, redecorating, revising and even retreating.

Your Mercury Retrograde Reading

Where this transit takes place within your chart provides you with a clue to the areas of life most likely to encounter any challenges. When we know how we are likely to feel Mercury Retrograde the strongest, we can pivot what might have resulted in a setback into a strength. Let's take a look at how each sign will be impacted with Mercury’s first retrograde of 2018.

You can grab your bespoke reading in my latest article for Keen.

*******Thanks for such an overwhelming response! This special is now over.  xx *******

I am excited to get back in the swing of things here on Keen and to celebrate my return to the site I am offering my 1 question relationship reading for $15.
Whether you are looking for insight into your current relationship or need guidance on what to do to open the way for one this reading may be small but it is mighty! Normally $25 this special will only be offered for a limited time so don't hesitate to purchase your reading now!

Upon purchase your reading will be delivered via email in an artfully designed pdf within 24-48 hours of hire.

Looking forward to answering your questions!

Daily Tarotscope for Wednesday, March 7th 2018
When intellect and intuition meet we become a cosmic and unstoppable force.
The King of Swords asks that we allow spaciousness for emotional detachment while the High Priestess reminds us of our inherent intuition. Issues we face right now should be met with a combination of both of these qualities if we desire to see our way through them. Those who become reactive or behave off the cuff will find their situation falling flat.

On the journey of manifesting partnership, especially if we’ve adhered to the rules of the superstitious “think it and you will see it” version of manifesting so prevalent these days, not getting what we want can be extremely frustrating and yet an all too frequent occurrence. So frequent that we begin to doubt that manifesting our perfect partner is possible. The old paradigm would have us believe that if we repeat our affirmations, think only good thoughts and focus only on what we want than our darling in shining armor will arrive.

And yet so often that is not the case.

So often we remain rooted in the same patterns and thus same partners.

Too frequently do we work hard to manifest healthy partnership only to lament not getting what we want.

But we are getting what we want because having is evidence of wanting.

I am sure like many of my manifesting clients you are thinking that you didn’t want to be cheated on. That you didn’t want a non-committal partner coming in and out of your life. That there is no way you wanted to be single for the past 3 years. In fact, you actively tried to avoid it going on date after date after fruitless date.

And you are right-you didn’t consciously ask for any of that.

But your subconscious did.

Want to know how I know this with absolute certainty?

Because it’s what you have and if you have it then on some level, some part of you feels worthy of it.

Our subconscious has two main functions when it comes to manifesting

First our subconscious serves as the generative, feminine aspect of the self (regardless of what sex we align with). Whereas our conscious will, where the ego of self-identity resides, wants the yummy, good things that life has to offer, the length of this life, our subconscious wants the length and the width of this human experience. This includes the messy, emotional, heartbreaking and yes, also the yumminess of life.

The battle between our conscious will and our subconscious desires is not really a battle at all since our generative subconscious wins every time, but the gap between the two is why we remain caught in relational patterns that loop over and over again.

So why the gap?

The subconscious is the home of the beliefs which inform our lives. Beliefs bred from the modeling we were exposed to from our parents/caretakers, peers, community and media as well as our experiences throughout this formative period of our lives between utero and 14.  When wounds are created, and we are exposed to toxic modeling this is imprinted upon us and programs our brains with these beliefs which then creates a loop which we repeat over and over and over again throughout our lives.

To explain this process further let me tell you about a client of mine who struggled to leave her husband despite no longer being in love, feeling mistreated and craving healthy partnership in her life. She resisted the notion entirely that subconscious beliefs from her youth could impact her today. She boasted about having great parents and a pretty “normal” upbringing. And yet through digging and exploring her subconscious she unearthed a memory of a peer telling her in the 6th grade that she was not good enough for someone she was interested in because “he was too nice for her”.  Unknowingly this created a belief and thus a program in my client’s brain that she was unworthy of nice men.  She reflected back and could see how this belief shaped the type of man she would seek out in all of her previous relationships. This explains why despite her husband horribly mistreating her she felt she had no choice but to resign herself to a life with this abuse. She simply didn’t believe that she was worthy of a nice guy. As we rooted out this belief and helped her to create new programing she was able to finally leave her husband and find a relationship that was healthy, loving and respectful.

She could not leave until she changed this programming because of the rejection of her conscious will by her subconscious beliefs/desires. If we equate the generative quality of the subconscious with the womb than the conscious will is the seed. If the conscious will differs from the subconscious belief, it is rejected. It is our subconscious beliefs which program the brain to accept only information and experiences which align with our beliefs. Anything that comes our way that does not fit that mental paradigm is rejected.

Each one of us, regardless of where we come from or how good or bad we would characterize our formative years of 0-14, have encountered imprints and modeling that have given life to our beliefs about who we are, what we are worthy and capable of. Many of these beliefs hold us back and hinder our expansiveness in all areas of life but especially our romantic relationships.

And it is these beliefs which subconsciously inform the present reality we are living. A belief on the subconscious level is a continuous loop that has us stuck in patterns related to our relationships and our interaction with romantic partners.

Peeling back the layers of these subconscious beliefs remains a crucial step in stopping the patterns by uncovering the subconscious beliefs and creating new programming that allows for what we desire to manifest romantically to come to fruition.

If you would like to explore how your subconscious beliefs may be holding you back from finding your perfect partnership you can arrange a personal session with me.  I will help you peel back those layers while supporting and guiding you through The Process I’ve devised that allows for you to achieve alignment of your subconscious desires with your conscious will, thereby ensuring you manifest your perfect partnership.

Today we trust what we intuit. We listen to that voice inside. We trust that if it seems amiss, it is. If it seems too good to be true, it may just be. Today we allow room to listen to our own internal guide knowing that in the end the deepest wisdom we will receive is the wisdom imparted by our own intuition.
Okay, I am just going to lay it on down right here and admit that I am a giver. A BIG giver, I give it all and then some. It didn’t matter if it was a romantic connection or a friendship, I gave everything to the nth degree. I did this to a point that I hardly knew who I was or what I wanted because I was too busy watching YOU to figure out what YOU would want of me. And why on Mama Earth would I do this? I was convinced that the more that I gave, the more that I created myself in the image of what they wanted the less likely they were to leave. Pretty pathetic, right? Well as we know this is all very rooted in a lack of self-confidence and worth but the good news is that I figured out how detrimental this was to the best, and most important relationship I will ever foster, which is the relationship with myself! Sure, it took me a long time but I finally made my way there and now have found a healthy balance. While I took it to an extreme the truth is we all have some experience with giving up too much of ourselves for the sake of a relationship. But in a situation where the best relationships are a beautiful blend of giving and taking where do you draw the line? Here are 6 things to not give up in a relationship. 1. Independence It can be hard when we first meet someone to carve out time for ourselves and the life we had (and those in it) prior to meeting our new paramour. We are caught up in the flurry of hormones that our brains release when we meet someone new that make our only thoughts about this stunner. Next thing you know the hormones begin to settle down and its less “together 24/7” and more “where my girls at?”. While I may not go out as much as I did before whether it’s our relationship with other girlfriends, our need for some solitude and a good book with a hot bath, time alone to do as we see fit is part of the landscape of our relationships. 2. Yourself Here is the deal-you are pretty stinking fabulous. And all the glorious and unique ways that make you, YOU are not things to compromise, ever. Relationships come and go but you will always see your image reflected to you in the mirror. And let’s not forget that captured their eye in the first place was the special sauce we add by simply be who we are, authentically. So, allow yourself to be introduced to different and new things/people/beliefs etc. but only integrate and adopt that which feels resonant with you! 3. Happiness If your cuts you off from the things which make you happy it’s time to pause and take a moment to consider. What makes us happy lights us up from the inside out. It makes us shine brighter and with that we attract more positive, high vibe situations, people and experiences to us. Plus life just flows better when we are happy, am I right!? This is one of the great things about being part of a couple-sharing what brings us joy with someone who we care about and learning from what lights them up! While you may not share every single interest we should feel a secure connection and the freedom to explore all that brings joy to our experience with or without our partner. 4. Your Dreams and Aspirations Nothing is more beautiful and awe inspiring than someone who is pursuing their dreams. I watch my husband in the backyard building our new patio which he designed and did entirely on his own and it instantly makes me fall deeper in love with him. Why? Because he is going after something that he is passionate about. He is learning and trying new things and all of that takes bravery and courage, two things I find insanely attractive. And I am not the only one. The day you give up what adds purpose and meaning to your life is the day your light dims and not only does this change how others see you, most importantly it changes how you see yourself. 5. Your Faith My husband is an atheist and I a mystic and never once did I feel the need to change that to fit in with him. Nor did he ever attempt to make me change or see “his” perspective as truth. Instead he tells everyone about my many “woo-woo” beliefs from a place of reverence and inspiration. He loves that I am dedicated to my spiritual side and I dig that he digs that. Your faith is deeply personal and while we may see faith differently the more exposed to alternative views we become, we should only change or modify our spiritual beliefs because it’s what signs to our soul, not because we want our partner to love or accept us more. 6. Your right to be heard Your voice is your power. It is how you share your ideas with the world, advocate for something you believe in and stand up for yourself when needed. Relationships should be breeding grounds for greater security and confidence in our voice. They are places wherein we should feel safe exploring what we think and believe and engage in meaningful and useful discourse. Your ideas are important, they are meant to be heard. Please, don’t stay quiet so they stay around. Turning into someone we are not by giving up who we are may seem like a surefire way to make someone love us or keep them around but in truth it disconnects us from what makes us worthy of love in the first place. We are inherently and divinely deserving of love just the way we are. We are worthy of being seen for who we are and lusciously loved up because of it and when we try to change ourselves or give up things which make us who we are we send the message that we are not worthy of love unless we do so. We send this message to others and most importantly we send that message to ourselves. It’s time to remind yourself just how worthy of acceptance you are by accepting and loving yourself!

I'm going to admit something: I used to dismiss astrology completely. While this may not be so shocking to some, those who have been providing readings for nearly 11 years typically have a basic understanding of astrology and its impact upon personalities. I had no interest and dismissed it as complete malarkey. Then a close friendship with someone who possessed a great understanding of the art changed my mind and my readings and relationship coaching has been enriched because of it.

So whether you are just starting out and want to know how to spark their interest and make that first date impressive or you want to increase passion in an already established relationship astrology can shed both light and understanding into how to do this.

Lets go sign by sign:


Typically this sign is considered the infants of the zodiac because of their placement but also their "me first" temperament. Like the child who wakes hungry in the middle of the night, screaming for her sleeping parents, Aries want what they want when they want it. This impatience means they typically do not waste time waiting for sex or love to come to them; they go out and get it. They fall hard but also fall out of interest VERY fast. They need to have their needs met immediately and there needs to be ample passion. They enjoy very physical sex so staying in shape and taking things outside the box is a necessity. Aries are turned off by those who only offer up generic or vanilla sex. Stimulation on all levels is required for this sign so be sure to brush up intellectually as well. In love, they can be very loyal a loving but may need some gentle reminding that YOU have needs too. To keep things spicy as the relationship evolves try out a little role-playing which will definitely spark an Aries interest. Just be careful to treat others with respect. Those who are sexy and a turn on initially but are snobby or nasty to people around them, especially those they do not 'have' to be nice to will be an instant turn off and you will not work your way into their bed or heart.


Known for their love of the finer things and all things luxurious its only logical that Taurians would make an art out of love-making. Keep this in mind, however: if a Taurian thinks that you have debt or money problems they will run in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean that you should become a miser; on the contrary, the way to their heart is by spending money on them. Just be sure that you are not doing it to the detriment of your investments. Even if you have to take a Taurian to a less expensive restaurant they will respect your budgeting. They are a very practical sign.

They are also one of the quickest of the signs to retreat if hurt or offended. They tend to slip into depression and dwell on perceived wrongs when hurt. Be sure to not attempt to lure them in bed to make up for it: they will need to do their own thing and process it on their own time. Rather than attempt to repair it with actions use your words.

In bed its time to get earthy and primal! They like to bite and be bitten, especially on the neck which is a Taurian erogenous zone. Taurian men will want to take the lead but is quite turned on when given direct orders so knowing what you like and not being afraid to voice that will serve you well. Taurian women want to feel protected and tend to shy away from those who are too skinny or lean. They will require that you take a more active and direct role in bed so being confident and assertive is a must.


This sign can be a bit difficult at times to navigate. They are a sign which can separate easily sex, emotions and relationships. If they have it in their head that you are merely a sexual partner there is very little that will change their minds. While very sexual they are not very sensual so hour-long romps in the bed are not likely on the menu.

There is nothing that is considered taboo or out of the question for Gemini. Be willing to pull out the sex toys and experiment with positions. Don't be afraid to get a bit wild. Talk dirty and make lots of eye contact. The twins can be a bit selfish in bed but with some gentle cues from you they will quickly get the hint and be sure to tend to your needs. They like kissing so be sure that you are skilled in the art.

Keep in mind that the way to seduce the twins is through their mind. They need intellectual stimulation so references to obscure movies or books will catch their interest. They are suckers for good conversation so staying up to date on current events and popular culture is a must. Those who agree too often or fail to show themselves as individuals will quickly lose a Gemini's interest.

A word of caution regarding Gemini women: they are not afraid to make a scene. Ever seen a man getting a drink thrown in his face? Chances are it was a Gemini woman hurdling that bad boy at him. They are not afraid to let a little chaos into the mix so its best to not provoke them.

I'll be back with Part 2 later in the week! Have a fabulous weekend!

Its always exciting to meet someone for the first time and begin to explore the chemistry. There is an abundance of fresh energy and every step, even those into the unknown, are filled with the hope of possibility.

While determining whether or not you and a potential mate will be compatible is based on many different facets of personality, astrology is a fantastic way of getting to know the person behind the mask. In fact, its one of the first things that I look into when I am reading a client’s compatibility with a new love interest is whether their two Sun signs are known for being compatible. Just like planets, zodiac signs form Aspects with one another that are either favorable or unfavorable.
Let’s explore what signs are best paired together, providing you with a greater foundation upon which you can build a lasting relationship.


Aries is a fire sign ruled by Mars, which means that they are feisty go-getters with a desire for fun and enjoyment. Aries need people who have pep in their step and who are willing to go toe to toe with them in and out of the bedroom.
A willingness to think outside the box, keep things spontaneous and have a healthy sense of competition are a must to keep an Aries interested. They are quick to fall in love, but quick to fall out if they are not stimulated on a mental, physical and emotional level. They need those who are self assured and capable keeping their emotions in check as there is only room for one emotional tantrum at a time.
Best Matches for an Aries: Leo, Aquarius, Sagittarius and Gemini.


Taurus is a fixed (immovable) Earth sign ruled by Venus, which is primarily concerned with prosperity, calmness, safety and reliability. While being ruled by Venus makes them have a keen appreciation for fine food, fine sheets, and beauty in its many forms, their Earth quality requires that they do not seek any of these things at the expense of their security.
Romantically, Taurus needs someone who is loyal, calm and can check their drama and debt at the door. They need someone who can seduce them with some wining and dining, which means that a cooking class may be in order for those seeking a role in the Taurean life. Water signs help to open up an otherwise solid steal heart of a Taurus.
Best matches for a Taurus: Virgo, Capricorn, Cancer and Pisces.

Gemini is a mutable (changeable) air sign ruled by Mercury. This makes our Gemini friends quick witted, good communicators, and very open to change. Though they are often considered scattered because of their tendency to flit about from one idea or drive to another, there is usually a well thought out reason motivating their actions.
Gemini needs someone who is open to change, well versed on both pop culture and world affairs, and someone who is willing to push their limits in the bedroom. Water signs in general are not the best matches for Gemini. Gemini is not known for being gushy or super romantic.
Best matches for Gemini: Libra, Aquarius, Leo and Aries.

Cancerians are watery cardinal (assertive, strong) signs who are rather difficult to profile. Just as no two stretches of water are alike, no two Cancerians are alike. While those who fall under the sign of Cancer can range from boring and repressed to entertaining and extroverted, there is one thing just about ever Cancer needs: a stable home life.
Stability, nurturing, sensitivity is all important to most Cancers and, as such, will need to be considered by anyone looking to take up residency in their hearts. They do not trust easily and because of this tend to enter into commitment slowly. They need to know you are in it for the long haul, so those who are looking for emotionless affairs need not apply.
Best matches for Cancers: Scorpio, Pisces, Virgo, Taurus.

The mighty Lions of the Zodiac are a fixed fire sign ruled by the Sun. They are high energy, flamboyant, and perhaps even exceed the quick wit often attributed those who fall under the sign of Gemini. Not just into the superficiality of being the center of attention, Leo’s want to succeed in all that they do. This means that they tend to take charge, even in their romantic liaisons. Though they are just as capable of having a long term relationship, they are quite capable of separating emotion from sex. This allows them to still have fun even while continuing their search for someone who will measure up to their ideal.
Leo needs someone who doesn’t mind that once they find something that works they rarely stray from that. Leo’s also require validation that they are doing a good job as a partner and, as such, need someone who doesn’t mind lending them that encouragement.
Best matches for a Leo: Aries, Sagittarius, Gemini and Libra.

Virgos are a mutable Earth sign. Virgos are seeking self perfection, strength of character, reliability and efficiency. Virgos are exceptionally confusing in love: they have a steely exterior that often causes them to treat their partner like a project they have to fix… all the while hiding a very soft, warm, and vulnerable center.
Virgos are not known for their effusive romance, so those who are looking to be showered with affection and told they are beautiful several times a day are better off moving on. Virgo will show their love through acts of service and need those who already have a solid foundation of confidence beneath them.
Virgos will play hard to get at first because they are afraid of showing just how vulnerable they really are. If your Virgo lover is a hyper-perfectionist who spends more time critiquing then they do offering encouragement, chances are they have been taken for the proverbial romantic ride and are guarding their hearts carefully. They also need things to follow a natural progression, so they will move slow and take time in each phase of a relationship.
Best matches for a Virgo: Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer and Scorpio.

Librans are the sign that loves love! They are a cardinal air sign ruled by Venus. They are most concerned with partnerships, romance, fairness, harmony and sophistication.
Librans are the great analyzers of the zodiac and rest assured every little aspect of a potential mate and the connection will be evaluated in great detail before Libra will proceed. They are not a fan of drama; and while this is true for just about all of us, Librans tend to take this to another level. Their sense of inner peace is highly related to their outer circumstances. If there is drama and chaos in their lives, they will not be able to find any sense of inner balance. Because of this they tend to be very careful when choosing a mate. Whether the relationship will in fact last is a question they will analyze ad nauseam. Until they are sure the connection has the potential to go the long haul, they will not open their hearts fully.
Best matches for Libra: Gemini, Leo, Aquarius, Sagittarius.


Scorpios is a fixed water sign ruled by Mars and Pluto making them one of the most mysterious of all the signs. They are concerned most with understanding the great mysteries of life and death, transformation, secrets and the collective unconscious.
This is not a sign that is concerned with trivial small talk and will zero in on what makes you most interesting. They are great at getting you to divulge your deepest secrets; and even those who try to resist only fuel the interest of the Scorpion. This innate curiosity and desire to truly know someone and understand them often times leads others to think that Scorpios are more attached than they really are. In truth, Scorpios are just naturally incredibly curious and equally incredibly guarded with their hearts.
Scorpios need someone who will provide them with unyielding loyalty. They are highly independent which means they do not “need” a relationship and are just fine holding tight until they find someone who is truly suitable. Someone who is highly intelligent and communicative coupled with a strong and stable foundation is needed. Sexually, they are in need of someone who is high energy, as they are known for being one of the most sexually explosive and adventurous of the signs.
Best matches for Scorpio: Cancer, Pisces, Virgo, Capricorn.


Sagittarians are ruled by Jupiter and are a mutable fire sign. They are most concerned with idealism, freedom, optimism and pleasure. Sagittarians are the great explorers of the zodiac and are constantly jaunting off on their next adventure.
Pleasure always is high on the priority list for a Sagittarian, but relationships are not. Sagittarians often see relationships as confining and, as such, tend to avoid them. It’s not that they do not want a relationship; they simply find the responsibility of a relationship to outweigh the potential fun. Sagittarians need someone who is capable of flying by the seat of their pants, to enjoy having an open relationship for awhile with the potential for progression to commitment. Most of all they need a partner who understands their need for freedom and to occasionally fly off and do something on their own. Anyone who can provide this will be rewarded immensely. Sagittarians are incredibly fun, supportive and loyal once they commit to you.
Best matches for Sagittarians: Leo, Aries, Libra and Aquarius.


Capricorn is ruled by Saturn and the element Earth. They are very much the practical Pennies of the zodiac and place a premium of what each of the five senses have to share with them. This can make their romantic MO a little lackluster for those signs who are looking for more overt displays of affection and love.
They prefer to show their love and affection through providing stability and structure.They also do not fall easily for they are exceptionally cautious and aware that the world of emotions can lead to a certain level of unpredictability which they are not always comfortable with. They desire security and for them relationships take a great deal of time to build; trust is not easily given by Capricorns. Additionally, they will not let their emotions just hang out there for the world to see. They will be subtle and private about what is in their heart.

Best matches for Capricorns: Virgo, Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.


Aquarians are ruled by Uranus and Saturn and the element of air. They are known fordancing to the beat of their own drum and in love this is all the truer. They are not quick to jump into commitment; in fact, they love the chase and can easily separate emotion from the physical act of sex.
They can be exceptionally confusing; warm one moment and aloof the next. This is due in part to their ruling planets Uranus (rebellion) and Saturn (structure). They will often rebel against traditional relationships, but this should not imply that once they commit they are not loyal. They are actually quite loyal and will support you fully. They need partners who are capable of holding their own—if constant validation is preferred they are not likely your bowl of cereal.
Best matches for Aquarius: Libra, Gemini, Sagittarius and Aries.


Pisces are ruled by the element water and the planet Neptune. They are a sign ruled by love, but this should not imply that being with them is easy. In fact, they can be difficult to roll with.
You have your upstream fish and your downstream fish—those who go after what they want and those who are more apt to go with the flow and even be self-sacrificing to a fault. Some Pisces fish can alternate between the two. They need quite a bit of external validation, but rest assured they will give back what you lavish them with.
Those who are critical or like to act superior to their Pisces partner will find themselves facing another facet of the fish: the cut throat, vicious shark. They need signs who are comfortable with deep conversation and are unafraid of showing and verbalizing their affection. Even signs who are not typically the most emotionally open will find their Pisces lover opening them up in ways they never imagined.
Best matches for Pisces: Cancer, Scorpio and Taurus.

Now before you begin greeting your date with “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” remember that astrology is a multi layered discipline. We are shaped by a variety of circumstances and astrology is but one of the spokes on the wheel. For example, my husband is an Aquarius who is not commonly considered a good match for a Pisces, such as myself; yet, we make it work.
Just because you are not necessarily considered a “good match” shouldn’t leave you feeling that the relationship is doomed to fail. Trust your gut and use astrology as a means of deciphering whether there is enough foundation to build upon. If you each work together to turn similarities into new shared bonds there is no limit to what you can create together!

So you are shagging an Aries, or want to anyways! This is ok because shagging is something they do quite well! This is a sign of constant contradiction and fiery passion! We are going to look into the love MO of Aries. Now keep in mind that depending on other aspects of a person’s individual and unique birth chart there will be varying degrees of just how much of this applies to YOUR Aries lover. This gives you, however, a general overview!


Element: Fire-if you cannot stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

Quality-Cardinal. Aries is the head honcho, lead zodiac horn dog.

Symbol: Ram. They will chase you to the end of the earth to get a little slap and tickle.

Ruler: Mars, the god of passion, war and “I’ll never stop until I have you” pursuit.

Romantic Style: Willing, Able & Ready.

Favorite pick up line: “Do you want to have sex before or after we catch a flick?”

Date Idea: Suggest a little football or basketball in the park followed up by some carnal sports later on.

Erogenous zone: Head. As in they like receiving it, giving it and pulling the hair still left on it.

Sexual Quirk: Penchant for breaking out in random animal noises mid romp.


Aries loves a challenge. Playing hard to get is the best way to capture their interest; just be prepared that they may want to keep playing the game. Tell them no and it’s like throwing gas on a grease fire; they will pull out that unbridled passion and determination and stop at nothing to have you. And I do mean nothing; my bet is that Aries is the sign with the most restraining orders against them.

The issue is that they quick to fall and quick to fall out of love. They will chase you to the end of the earth but once you reciprocate your interest they begin to act much like a kid in a candy store where everything captures their attention and they are simply unable to settle on just one piece.

Aries has a bit of temper. They are the infants of the zodiac and as such are quick to tantrums. The only sign that perhaps matches their temper would be Leo but Aries still is the one with the shortest fuse.

Aries are not the best bet when it comes to marriage. They adore themselves more than they will ever adore you and their penchant for “me first” will soon grow tiring. Even when they do settle in for the long haul they have such a casual attitude towards sex they have a habit of forgetting the act once it’s done. This allows them to cheat rather often but fancy themselves wonderful mates because they still make it home in time for dinner and give you a little slap and tickle later after.

If you want to catch an Aries be prepared that it’s a lot like trying to pin down a cloud. That said if you feel up to the challenge then be prepared to get your adrenaline on! They love adventure and a challenge. Perhaps suggest a little bungee jumping or skydiving to show you hang with the big boys!

They are giant suckers for the “I want you, I want you not” game but remember that they may try to get you to keep playing when you are ready to have a bit of stability. They like bold and don’t do modesty so understand that sitting quietly in the corner and saying very little will have your Aries date leaving with the bold girl mimicking fellatio with her hot dog at the counter.

 Always a lesson in contradictions another way to an Aries heart is to need a bit of rescuing. They love a good project and to be needed and then adored for all of their hard work straightening you out. Be still their Aries heart!

Sexually Aries is a sign of ACTION but its often quick and to the point so do not expect lengthy rounds of foreplay and enticing teasing. They are kings of the 1 pump chumps. The good news is that they like FREQUENT lovin’ so even though it may not last a tremendously long time it will no doubt be something you do enough to have you waking bowlegged the next day.

Should you be ready to get rid of your Aries this can be a bit trickier because the less you want them the more they want you. A good way to get them off your back and stop them from calling your phone and ringing your bell all day and night is to suggest you are just not good enough for them. Tickle their Aries ego and they will quickly get over it. If that fails tell them you have come down with an awful venereal disease that prevents you from engaging in physical intimacy for the next 6 months. They will leave smoke in their wake.

If you want to keep your Aries then remember that like babies they need to be coddled, given loads of attention and affection and toys. They rarely sit still so keeping them active and joining them in the activities is a good way of growing together as opposed to apart.


Good matches for Aries: Aquarius, Gemini, Leo, and Sagittarius.

Good friends for Aries: Aries, Capricorns and Taurus.

One of the things I am quite frank about is the fact that I have had my share of screw ups in the romantic department.

If there was a mistake to make, I made it. If there was something I was told I shouldn’t/couldn’t do, I did it. And I suffered a great many heartaches because of it.

I began to correlate drama and dysfunction with love and romance and nothing could be further from the truth.

Part of why I consider being a relationship specialist my calling and why I am so dang good at it is because I have been there, done that and burned the t-shirt. This includes the hard work on my relationship with love to get to where I am today.

Where am I today? Married to the man of my dreams after a long road of off and on, long distance dating with two kids and another currently taking residence (and causing me to waddle rather ungracefully around the house) in my womb.

Here is what I have discovered those in healthy relationships do differently:

1. The past cannot be erased.

Many people will tell us that we must release the past or leave the past behind us. While that is a novel idea, it’s complete and utter B.S. We will never forget or release the past, and why should we? It brought us here.

Everything we have encountered, whether good or bad, was a learning experience designed to aid our evolution. People in healthy relationships haven’t suddenly forgotten or “released” their wounds, they have transformed them. They have learned to honor their past and all it entailed as necessary steps to take in the ladder to their personal evolution.

They bring with them the appreciation for each moment and respect for where they have come from and what they have gone through into their current relationship. It adds a richness and depth that would otherwise be lacking if we truly had an ability to push a button and drop our pasts down the chute.

2. It’s not always 50/50.

Sometimes it’s 80/20 and that is okay. What is not okay is if it stays in this place of imbalance. We all go through things that leave us gutted or otherwise unable to be fully present in a relationship.

Instead of complaining and throwing a tantrum, those in a healthy relationship understand that sometimes we need to give a bit more while our partner puts focus on other things. It could be a job or personal issues that requires their attention. If talked about openly and honestly, then it’s okay to give a bit more while our partner’s attention is diverted elsewhere.

What is not okay is if this imbalance becomes a part of our everyday existence. One person cannot be the backbone to the entire relationship; the very definition of partnership implies the participation of another for a common goal.

3. Honesty Counts.

And, honestly, this has been the hardest part for me. As a rather independent woman who made her own money and did her own thing for so many years, it became difficult to imagine that suddenly I was supposed to share where every penny went or had to tell my partner where I was going.

My rebellious nature would kick in and “it’s none of your damn business where I’m going” flew from my mouth more than a few times. This, however, does not a healthy relationship make.

While I was playing secret squirrel, my husband was telling me about where the money he made went, into what savings, toward what household project. If he was leaving he would say where he was headed and approximately what time he would be home. It wasn’t done with the feeling that he needed to, but the feeling that it was the respectful thing to do. I took note.

When we are in a healthy partnership, it’s time to open up about these things. Whether it’s where we are headed on a Saturday afternoon or just how many new pairs of shoes we bought as we try to stuff the evidence in the closet.

It took me a long time to realize that I needn’t view it from an adolescent-like perspective and fear that someone was encroaching on my space. We can still be independent and open—those in healthy relationships get that.

4. Silence is deadly.

Still ignoring your partner when you are upset with them? Don’t! Please for the love of all that is holy do not keep up with this dangerous trend; it destroys more relationships than I can even number!

Those who are in healthy, long-term relationships understand that the key to anything ultimately boils down to communication.

Unless you are Paris Hilton, my guess is that nothing at all in life is going to get solved by pouting in the corner with your arms folded around your chest. There will be times when we are upset with our partner. We will argue and disagree and sometimes we may even say hurtful crap to one another.

That’s the nature of the beast. It’s how we handle those tension filled moments that determines whether we continue on the road of a happy and healthy relationship or take a detour down break up avenue.

We have to be willing to talk about what is bothering us. Is it good to sometimes wait until we have cooled our jets? Sure, no one wants to have a finger in their face and most will check out if our voice is raised.

Talking calmly, however, about what is bothering us is essential for working through issues. Our partner cannot possibly know how we feel and what to do about it unless we create a space where we each can safely share our feelings.

So stop the silent sulking and talk!

5. Separate but together.

People who enjoy reasonable health and sanity in their relationships get that a relationship cannot be that which makes their lives full but rather an addition to their already full life. So many, and yes I am looking at my ladies here, find someone they are interested in and suddenly drop their friends like hotcakes and start to devote their every waking moment to their new paramour. Then when the relationship starts to die a slow death due to a lack of space, their entire world falls apart.

When we are in a functional and healthy relationship, there is an understanding that we each must have our own goals and passions. We should have time away for ourselves to explore our own interests. Nothing is sexier than a man or woman who is passionate and capable of holding their own.

Conversely, there is no greater turn off than the stench of clingy desperation. Make your life full and explore what you love—your relationship will be all the more rich for it.

Most importantly, those who are in healthy relationships understand that it all boils down to respect and love. Respect and love for the self, for their partner and for the relationship.

There is a desire to love their partner to such a degree that they feel the ultimate freedom that comes from security.

Healthy doesn’t mean problem-free by any stretch of the imagination; my husband and I clear the emotional pipes from time to time with a good ol’ spat. But, thankfully, we have learned a few healthy habits that allows us to do so in a fashion that doesn’t undermine the integrity of the relationship.

It is said that anywhere from 30-60% of married men will stray outside of their marriage at some point. The reasons for their infidelity vary but typically they find themselves bored with the day to day and craving something clandestine and illicit. While much emphasis is placed on the act of cheating or the number of men or women that cheat what about the people they cheat with? This is a population which compromises of men and women who vary in intention. Some may simply be looking for some enjoyment and companionship which doesn't occupy their entire lives whilst others believe they are in love and desire a full relationship.  Its the latter portion which is the focus of this article as we attempt to highlight some of the dangers and situations which can result when we try to turn our mister/mistress into a boyfriend or girlfriend.

For the sake of argument and frame of reference this article with use the personal pronoun "she". Obviously not all who cheat are men but this is my frame of reference as I read mainly for women who find themselves involved with married men. Switching "she" with "he" while reading allows for this to fit your own personal situation.

Physical Intimacy Detached from Emotionality.

There are some who find the ability to detach emotion from physical intimacy quite easy. Sex and physical touch are about the arousal, the chemistry, the passion and that doesn't necessarily mean the inclusion of emotions. For others this is impossible. The trouble arises not always from the sex which occurs in an affair but rather the frequency and the moments in between. Most men who stray from the relationship are looking for multiple needs to be met. Their marriage provides them with certain needs and they look to you to meet the others. They come to you frequently, warmly, showing great desire and passion and sharing deep conversation with you as you lay next to one another. For many women this is very difficult to resist. While some may be able to remain unattached emotionally others find the temptation just too great. The intimacy both physical and "emotional" is just what they are looking for! Slowly they begin to feel that they "know" this man, that they can help this man. But does he want to be "helped"?

Is He Really Unhappy?

While enjoying one each others company he expresses the differences between how he can be with you and how he is with "her". He paints a picture of his marriage that leaves you feeling its quite unhappy, but is it? There are some marriages which are dead in the water, totally devoid of any emotion, passionate or otherwise, and generally lacking a pulse on all levels. Sometimes they are genuinely unhappy with their partners but are they unhappy on all levels? In my experience while there are a select few who genuinely wouldn't help their wives out of a mud puddle if they walked by and they were stuck in one most find that while there are certain aspects which are bothersome that as a whole the marriage works for them. Men do not necessarily cheat because they are that displeased with their marriage or even because they are no longer in love with their wives. Make no mistake, though like butter melting on toast, their love may be more habit than passion there typically is still some emotion there, even if they profess otherwise (if they said they still loved them would you still open your bedroom door to them?). Likewise the marriage, whether untenable or not, still fulfills a purpose for them, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Though they may use the old standby excuses of children, and money issues have no doubt that the routine, comfort zone and security provided by that marriage is important to them. This goes back to what was mentioned earlier in that both the marriage and the mistress play very important roles in the married man's life. Each of you fulfills a purpose.

The Role of the Mistress.

So what is the purpose of the mistress? Generally speaking they are seeking newness. They want to feel desired and attractive and wanted. They want to receive the passion and lust that perhaps is missing from their marriage. They are not robots, on some level there is emotion and care for the mistress but in terms of genuine love, often times their love is not an unconditional one. They are seeking fun and enjoyment and they are seeking a break from the responsibility of a relationship. The ability to come to you, enjoy and devour you and then be able to go home is a freeing one. They do not need to bring you chicken soup when you are sick. They do not need to listen when you discuss your Aunt Agitha's hip replacement surgery. Most importantly, they are not beholden to you. They are not obligated to call each day or to take you out to dinner or on vacations or to offer growth or evolution to the relationship. Its a string free enjoyment of two mutually consenting adults, for them. Sometimes, however, it becomes more than that for the women involved. They mistake the way he is with them as the real him when in reality they are only seeing one facet of the diamond. Basing ones emotions on just one of those facets to the exclusion of the others leaves these women establishing emotions and perceptions which in truth are only partial at best. They do not see how he leaves his socks lying around, or the dismissive attitude he may have towards his wife's needs. They do not see him when he is stressing and climbing the curtains because he has the car note, health insurance and utilities all due on the same day. They are not there when he is sitting on the couch, one hand down the pants, flipping through channels. They have an impartial view of who this man is and thus while many claim they "love" this person in truth they love an aspect of him, and the rest they manifest based on that perception.

He is Going to Leave Her!

Its year three, you have been enjoying the off and on relationship with the married man of your dreams and you are certain that any day now he is going to leave "her". You convince yourself every day that all that you are putting into this is worth it because of what fruits may come some day. You assure yourself that he loves you, that what you two feel is real and that excuses A, B and C are why he refuses to make good on any of his promises to leave. In short my advice? WAKE UP!
Men, like women, go after what they want. They will go to the ends of the Earth to get their desire. If they want it bad enough no wife or supposed obligation will hold them back. Though rare there have been 1 or 2 cases in my career where I saw the man leave his marriage for the mistress. Mind you I have been in this business for 10+ years, so clearly the odds are not in your favor. Those two examples, however, are proof positive that if they truly wanted to share ALL of their life with you they would. In truth many of them do not. They want the comfort and routine of their marriage with the security that all their years has provided them and the enjoyment of something passion filled, lustful and string free on the side. They already receive all of you so for them there is no loss from not letting things evolve further. You on the other hand are stuck with half a relationship that meets only half (if that) of your needs.

What Do I Do?

Simply put? Treat him like a hotel fire, walk, don't run, to the nearest exit, stay low to the ground and GET OUT! If you are up for half a relationship, perhaps you have a busy life that is already quite full and this arrangement works for you then by all means proceed. But if you are putting yourself through the inconsistent contact, the sporadic visits, the emotional roller coaster of "I want you, I don't want you" because you are expecting a return on your investment you are in for a very sad awakening. In the cases that have been witnessed of men leaving for you its occurred within the first year of the affair. Anything after that and you are holding on to a dream. This is not to say its easy or that you should be able to breeze out as easily as you breezed in. By now you likely do not know what was real from what was contrived. You may not be able to separate the perception of him you projected from the real man. Its confusing, gut wrenching and horribly painful and a blow to ones pride to accept that you invested so much of yourself into someone who is not going to give back as much. The realization, however, is a crucial one. Though it may be the hardest thing you have ever done you will not experience the healthy, reciprocating and healthy relationship you desire from ANYONE, until you clear this plate and heal. You can hold on for as long as you like, until you are but a mere shell of your former self but in the end the outcome will be the same. He may very well be a great man. He may be kind to all those he meets, treat you like a queen when he is with you, he may help rescue animals who have no homes. All of that amounts to very little to your emotional sanity if you are not able to get the relationship you want, deserve and worked for from him.

Everyone comes to this realization on their own time frame and in their own way. I am sure many of those who read this will scoff and think they are the exception to this rule while others will sit back and see themselves in all that has been written. I'm not passing forward judgment, to each his or her own. My goal with this, as it is with all that I do in my work, is to empower women to make the decisions that are right for THEM. To see perhaps how they are buying into a romanticized version of their situation or how they may be standing in their own way of a healthy and long lasting relationship. There is no need to feel foolish or feel angry, everything we encounter we do so for a reason. Though the relationship may not pan out as you had hoped or expected there were still fond memories shared. There were still lessons learned between you two. Treasure what you were able to learn from the connection and apply lessons learned to the next relationship. Though it may seem impossible this too shall pass.

Dating is a fickle beast-is it not? You have nearly as many how to books as you do bibles in just as many languages. Yet it seems that the landscape of dating has only gotten more convoluted and difficult! Do you Tinder or go for Match. Com? Do you lay your cards out on the table right away or do you hold them close to your chest. Who should text who and after how long from last speaking?

The thing that I have found both in my years of dating, though admittedly it was back in the stone age before Facebook, Twitter and the entire texting bit, but also professional experience is that there is no one size fits all guide on drawing them in or catching that fish. Everyone is unique and has different angles they are operating with. There are, however, a few things that I feel have earned the right to be called out as the things NOT to do.

These are a selection of things taken straight from the annals of my many moons coaching clients who are searching for love. While I tailored these towards dating the truth is they all tend to be deal breakers whether you are dating or in a committed relationship. While there is no surefire way to reel them in there certainly are things that will send them running for the hills.


1.       Game Playing.

Oh yes! This is an important one I think for many of you! A client of mine recently explained that she could not let her guard down and show even a modicum of interest with her recent paramour because then there would be “no mystery”. Yet she was curious why he was slowly starting to distance himself from her. Well if you fail to show them you are interested at all they will eventually begin to think you aren’t and will find someone else who is more interested in them than they are games! Games seem to be this generation’s easy button for relationships. While games are fun in the short term take them too far and they will destroy any chance you have at developing an actual relationship with the person you are dating.

2.       Playing your best Speedy Gonzales.

Just like a fine wine needs time to age so too does a good relationship. Trying to go from dating to exclusivity to ruminating on what you think your kids will look like is like tying a noose around the neck of whatever potential might exist between you two. I say might because the first several months to even a year or two of a relationship are really getting to know one another beyond just the potential you see between you two. No one is the truest self when they first begin dating; chances are we wouldn’t get a second date if we talked about our penchant for peeing with the door open or how we walk around our house singing aloud whatever we are doing in that very moment. We always put our best foot forward when we are “courting” and that is fine. But it does mean that we need to allow things time to evolve so that they begin to see us when we are not entirely coifed to perfection. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen made is getting so caught up in the destination that they destroy the journey.

3.       Too much expectation.

We all want a man or woman who treats us well, respects us and makes us laugh, right? We want someone who makes us feel good and doesn’t leave us feeling deflated or otherwise defeated. The issue is not having standards but having expectations that make it nearly impossible for anyone to meet and satisfy them. If you are continually running into walls and finding that your dates fail to evolve into more meaningful connections ask yourself where your expectations are. Are you expecting him to fill a void that you should be tending to yourself? Are you looking for love from a healed or wounded place? Are you getting turned off because he has a single hair out of place or fails to text you 50 times in an hour or respond to your texts within minutes because dare I say it he has a life of his own beyond you? Be sure that you are fair to him. The more fairness you show to others the more they will treat you in kind.

4.       Ignoring red flags.

While we all try to show our best side when we first begin dating someone it’s important that we not view everything from rose colored glasses. If they say one thing yet do another chances are there is something amiss. If they are checking their phone when they should be interacting with you this is not a favorable sign. If they keep you a secret or treat you as though you are just a friend in front of people you run into yet you have shared a bed—pay attention. Do they start off with just one beer but then quickly devolve into a drunken mess leaving you to take care of them? Do they speak negatively about their ex or treat the waitress like garbage? These are all red flags that you should pay attention to. Do not mistake them as just idle banter or assume that their treatment of a waitress or clerk has no bearing on how they will treat you.

5.       Not being honest about your needs.

I'm not suggesting that on the first date you explain how you are looking to get married this year and have your first child before the ending of the next-that would just be relationship suicide! I am however, asking you to honor your needs. If you are indeed looking for marriage and children and these are nonnegotiable but they go on and on about how those things are nowhere in their 5, 10 or even 20 year plan then it’s time for you to hit the pavement. Sometimes you meet someone and your love for them outweighs the desire for certain things and in that case that is fine. It is essential that you are certain of this because all too often when we let go of things that are important to us just because we would rather be with them than be alone we create a breeding ground for resentment. Furthermore do not think that just because they say they don’t want these things now that they will change their mind. Chances are you are not the exception to the rule. The important thing to do is communicate your needs and ask how certain they are of their stance. If they say they are certain, believe them.

6.       Getting attached to potential.

I hinted at this one in an earlier point but it is important enough to warrant its own space. When we first meet someone who has captured our attention there is a wealth of potential that we begin to attach. We have a surge of all of these feel good hormones and suddenly the sky is the limit; there is nothing you two cannot do. And while this all may be true the fact is everything seems gorgeous from far away. It’s not until you get up close that you begin to see the cracks. Every connection needs time to evolve and reveal itself to each of you. If I had a dollar for every person who came to me because someone they swore was their soul mate no longer was interested in them I could retire today. The fact is if you have not spent at least a year together you have only a glimmer of an understanding of what is truly possible together. The qualities that make a lasting and stable relationship take time to cultivate and form. Before that time has been given the rule of thumb is to stay open and receptive but not attach yourself to what you think is possible.

7.       You stop having fun.

I once worked with a woman who handled her relationships like they were business meetings. Everything was micromanaged and brought down to its barest element. Everything was dissected and controlled and there was little room for spontaneity or levity. I have worked with women who were so caught up in the fact that they were such and such years old and still not married with children that they didn’t realize they were approaching love with a stench of desperation so thick it choked people out. When you approach love and dating from the perspective of having fun, learning about yourself, others and just getting a chance to explore what is out there you are guaranteed to have a good time no matter whether it develops into a relationship or not.

Dating is supposed to be fun. Relationships, believe it or not, are supposed to be fun. They are meant to make you feel good. Even in the challenges, even when something hits a rough spot sometimes it just takes an instance of making the other laugh that can turn everything around. We have a tendency to make dating and relationships so much harder when we make dating about a destination. When we are approaching love from the wounded place of filling a void, fulfilling a desire, filling the other side of the bed we end up causing ourselves distress. We end up making poor decisions about who is allowed in our hearts and beds. We end up losing ourselves because we are so caught up in the work of dating and forgetting that half the fun is in everything that happens before the destination.

You can fret that things are hard, that the clock is ticking or that nothing seems to go right but your reality will always reflect your inner state. Who would you rather be with? Someone who is fun, lively and radiates a sense of contentment within themselves or someone who is constantly trying to rush matters fit a square peg in a round hole and otherwise forces something?

The more that you become the qualities you want to see in a person the more you will attract them in others.   

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Cheating is something which can take us absolutely by surprise and have us dizzy with the onslaught of questions, pain, anger and disbelief.

Once we get over the shock typically that is when we begin to feel the mixed bag of emotions that can range from absolute rage to total misery as we feel the heaviness of the now unavoidable shift in the relationship. I have read for countless men and women who have been blindsided by a cheating partner and the question always boils down to “what next”.
Though there is no one-size-fits-all solution I encourage a 5 question analysis to determine whether or not saving a relationship is feasible and what do do after should you decide it is.

The five questions you want to start with are as follows:

1. Have they cheated before?
Its important to first establish whether or not this is part of a pattern or if its an isolated incident.

2. Why did they do it?
Its far easier to accept that they were unhappy and had a one-time affair than it is to forgive something that was ongoing or has occurred frequently in your time together.

3. How was your relationship when it happened?
Let’s be honest, there is no real “excuse” to cheating but the fact is when people are unhappy things happen. If you knew that the relationship was enduring a period of challenge and decline its easier to understand why they would step outside the relationship. If, however, you felt that the relationship was unbelievably happy and without any warning you discovered they were having an affair you are going to have a difficult time rebuilding. If you didn’t notice the signs when it happened the first time, chances are you will not notice them again.

4. What do you think they will do in the future?
If they cheated because they were unhappy do you feel that they will continue to remedy their unhappiness in the same way? Do you feel they would be willing to work with you and a third party coach or counselor to work on communication?

5. Do they regret their actions?
This is a big one and it can often times be one of the more difficult things to assess. Anyone can say they feel badly for what they do and wish they could go back. Its up to you to really pay attention to what they say and what they do. Do they act as though they regret their actions or are they just saying it?

The next step is to give yourself some time to assess and process. If you live together its imperative that one of you finds an alternative place to stay so that you can each have some time to feel and think without having to be run into the face of the person who has caused you great pain and ultimately, changed the course of your relationship forever. This is a necessary step so that you have some space to just be in this moment as there is no avoiding it and only more damage if you attempt to.

Next you want to meet up and have a discussion. This isn’t the time to let emotion to take hold, fall into their arms and say you just want to forget the entire thing ever happened. This is a time for you two to each discuss whether this relationship is capable of being saved and if you both are going to work towards that end. This is where you have carte blanch to ask any and all questions so that you can have the answers you need. Based on the results of this meeting you both should have a good idea on whether its time to walk away and move on or if you should begin to rebuild.

The rebuilding phase is the trickiest. The relationship that you had is over-its gone and trying to go back to that is sure to end in disappointment. The thing to keep in mind is that you are basically having to start from square one but this time as opposed to the rose colored glasses you will know that they are capable of hurting you greatly.

The first thing that must be understood when it comes to rebuilding is that you must be fully ready and capable of letting go of what happened. The surest way to see rebuilding fail is by carrying over the baggage of what transpired. If you feel incapable of doing this its time to assess whether you need more time before you can think about rebuilding or if perhaps its not something you will be able to get over.

If you continue to try to rebuild its important to move slow and begin to merely date one another again. Work on fostering positive memories and in cases of long term relationships or marriages a counselor or coach may be able to help you with creating an actionable plan that is designed for you two exclusively.

The good news is that building a new relationship can be exciting and fun. Yes, you may argue over the cheating at first, some of this is quite normal. But eventually you will begin to replace that with the understanding that you two love one another and desire to be in each others lives so much so that not even cheating can tear you two down.

If it helps create some boundaries that help you to rebuild trust and security. The key here, however, is to make sure you are creating boundaries which protect both of you. Suddenly making them hand over all passwords to their phone, email and checking them is not necessarily the answer. Nor can there be a rule wherein the offending party can no longer enjoy any level of autonomy. Ultimately the boundaries must protect you both and maintain integrity for each of you.

Though its something so many of us have dealt with, dealing with a cheating partner is never easy and nor do all solutions work for all situations. Its important to honor your feelings and the relationship by taking your time as you work through the many complicated emotions which arise out of a situation that involves cheating. Coming in for a session to understanding what happened, why and whether you can rebuild can help provide you with a foundation for forward progression whether it be a solo or combined adventure.

Keen is redefining what it means to provide clients with spiritual insight and guidance with many of the changes that have been recently implemented. We have a gorgeous new app, a new look and now, a radio program!

Ms. Lisa M and I are excited to host each week, Thursday at 10pm EST/7pm PST and will feature one new advisor each week to take calls and offer insight on each shows topic. Keen is paving the way and this is an exciting opportunity for advisors and clients alike!

Today's show is all about those most difficult relationships. We have all been there-we have all grappled with the emotions that at times are so strong they have us in the fetal position. We have all REACTED instead of responded when in the throes of this emotional turmoil and did/said things we later regretted. Tonight Ms. Lisa M and I are chatting with fellow Keen advisor, Live the Light on this topic; offering up how we can pull ourselves out, shift what needs shifting and begin to foster strength and peace even when in the midst of high emotional tides. We will help you gain understanding into whether its time to hit the bricks or if this experience can actually bring you even closer.

Join us tonight on Keen Radio We are live at 10pm EST/7pm PST and you can call in with your questions at (657) 383-1952 You can also email your questions to [email protected] and they will be passed along to the advisors and answered on air!

If you cannot join us live be sure to visit the show page and click follow! You will be updated each time a new show is archived so that you can listen and share at your leisure!

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