Modern Sibyl

Modern Intuitive Insight

The planet of love headed backwards on July 25th Venus will retrograde in Leo.

This phase will last until September 6th and occurs every one and a half to two years. It can manifest in a variety of ways so keep in mind that how it specifically affects us depends on our sun sign.

If you happen to be a Leo, Libra or Taurus (signs ruled by Venus) then there is likely this will influence you more but whether it’s positive or negative depends mostly on our perception. Just like those who fearing Mercury retrograde, if we walk into this event with fear in our hearts and minds we will likely see situations which confirm this.

Let’s break down a few of the different ways Venus retrograde may manifest and how we can use this time to our advantage.

Venus rules beauty, aesthetic, luxury items (including food, drink etc.), love, woman, relationships, body image as well as money. When retrograding, we often times see the shadow side of Venus appear. This could mean that we suddenly begin to have relationship issues, body image issues, extra marital affairs and drinking, spending and eating to excess.

When it comes to love, Venus reigns supreme. Whilst retrograding we will find that the curtain is pulled back from our most treasured relationships, revealing them for what they are, not what we have hoped them to be. We will see through people’s façades and masks and will become highly aware of the cracks in our relationships. This gives us the chance to do a few things: we can choose to either release relationships which are long past their prime, we can begin to ask the serious questions and evaluate what relationships are worth saving or we could commit to rebuilding and repairing our relationships.

Since Venus is moving backwards through Leo, a fire sign, emotions will run high. Our tendency to react rather than respond will be doubled and we may be saying things we will later regret. Conversely we may find that our libido is through the roof! While I certainly have no qualms with this, it can manifest in such a way that we make foolish decisions which undermine not just our relationships but potentially our integrity.

It is not advisable to throw yourself head first into any toxic relationships. Extra marital affairs make for compelling fictional stories but rarely do they provide anything resembling happiness in reality. This is a time to make sure we tend to our own gardens and not become a third wheel in another relationship. Any of us who are in a triangular relationship will want to be sure to proceed with caution. Retrogrades have a habit of revealing that which we prefer to stay hidden.

While retrograding, Venus also likes to bring back past lovers. It’s advisable that we consider our choices greatly since what comes back during this transit is likely to follow it out when it’s over. Dates that open the largest window of opportunity for a past lover to return are August 31st thru September 1st.

The important thing to remember when it comes to Venus retrograde and matters related to love and relationships is that there is a heavy karmic lesson associated with the people who we interact with or meet during this time—there is a lesson to learn. It’s not always the people who have the greatest significance but what they teach us is that matters.

While Venus is primarily thought of in relation to love, she also rules women and how we make our money. During a retrograde period we may find that a woman or a group of women come into our life who assist us regarding how we make money. Take stock of how you make your money during this time and ask yourself if you are building a strong foundation. If you would like to see things improve, now is the time to evaluate what you have been doing and what you could do differently.

Speaking of doing things differently, while Venus retrogrades, we all should try to avoid any drastic changes to ourselves. This means holding off on the makeover—any cosmetic surgery, hair color changes etc. until after September 6th. Although we may think we want certain changes we might find regret seeping in later!

If there are changes we cant help but make, allow them to be small and easily reversed should we need to change them later. One way to infuse things with beauty is by taking a look at our surroundings. Maybe it’s time for a bit of redecorating? With Venus retrograding my rule is to watch what I spend. The tendency to overspend on luxury items always seems ample during this time.

Taking things in stride during any retrograde phase is necessary—frustrations can mount and this is even more so true when we are dealing with a retrograde, such as this, which impacts our relationships with others and ourselves.

If we can harness the flow and see this as an opportunity to refine our relationships, both inside and out, this can be a highly productive time for us all. My hope is that we embrace what comes to our doorstep with grace and courageousness!

 

It’s a new week filled with new potential and possibility! Though many people tend to think of Monday as dreadful I happen to think of them as new beginnings. Each day and similarly each week holds a new adventure. Let’s see what the Tarot has to say about your week ahead!

 

Aries: The Wheel of Fortune indicates a week when you are riding high and feeling on top of the world. Everything you touch turns to gold and everything that can go right does! This is a wonderful week to appreciate the view from where you are. Look at how much you have accomplished and achieved. Think about all of the hard work that you put in and think about how good you feel right now. Think back to a time in perhaps the recent or distant past where you maybe felt a little less great. A time when the road seemed to arduous and far too long. You may have felt as though you would never see the light at the end of the tunnel but yet here you are. The Wheel reminds us that all of life is ever changing; the wheel in constant and perpetual motion. Just as you are on top right now things will inevitably circle around and you will face challenges which require your attention. Take stock of what is now so that you can remind yourself later that all things are in motion and what was down will be up and what was up shall be down. Enjoy the journey!

 

Taurus: The Sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day! And with the Sun card illuminating the week ahead this is more so true for you! You have success, warmth, support and love that surround you. This is a time for connecting with the youth within yourself and those children in your life. Remember what it felt like when you did nothing but play the day away? Enjoying the freedom and expansion that came with feeling in touch with your inner wild? The Sun card is a beautiful reminder that we possess that same freedom now even though we try to fetter ourselves with obligations that we use as excuses for never having the time we need for the things we want. This is a week when you will want to indulge in some play and show gratitude and appreciation for the support and success which surrounds you. Good news and expansion are ahead for you, Taurus!

 

Gemini: The light at the end of the tunnel may not just be seen but felt this week. The 5 of pentacles reversed signifies a time when we feel as though we are coming out of a dark and lonely slumber. The 5 of pentacles is a card which has a very heavy energy to it. It’s all about disconnection, despair, loss and feeling detached. When it’s reversed I tend to see it as a journey of healing. It’s not that all your troubles are totally resolved and gone but that you are beginning to come out of them. You are beginning to see the seeds of spring popping through the ground with new growth. You are beginning to see that those troubles and issues which seemed so insurmountable are suddenly not quite as large. Where before you perhaps felt your troubles were looming over you much like a dark and hidden monster now you are looking behind you at the monster, knowing that you faced the most difficult part of the journey.

 

Cancer: This week is all about feeling in balance. The 6 of pentacles is about being in the flow. What comes in your life is proportionate to what goes out of it. Whether this relates to money, love, success, health etc. matters not. It’s just important to take stock of how your life feels in total harmony and balance. The suit of pentacles often does relate to money and one area that you may want to pay close attention to is those who perhaps need your assistance. This is often seen as the charity card. When we are in a place of stability we are in a greater position to help others but also others tend to seek us out when they are in need. This week be sure that you help where you can but do not cut your nose to spite your face. This is not about giving with expectation or giving more than you truly can afford to go without. While it would be nice if they paid you back the fact is you must give only that which you can safely part with.

 

Leo: The Justice card when reversed signifies dishonesty with the self and with others. It’s the idea of trying to manipulate a person or situation so that you gain the upper hand. Additionally it can speak to a time when you are looking around at the troubles you have and pulling out your familiar and lengthy list of other people you can blame. This week you are begin asked to have the bravery to take responsibility for your own issues. It’s easy to point the finger outside of the self but the fact is that is also giving over your power to those same people as well. It means they are in control of you and your life. I'm not sure about you but I prefer keeping my power. Keeping your power is exactly what you do when you choose to instead take responsibility for your life. Once you own your mistakes and take full responsibility for your decisions and situations that you find yourself in then you also own the power to control these things. You realize that just as you got yourself into this mess you and only you can get yourself out of it.

 

Virgo: The 4 of cups reversed tells me that this week you need to get clear on what it is that you want and tap into your passion. This card when reversed can indicate a feeling of being aloof, detached and wandering. You feel stuck, bored and a bit like a boat with no oars. The problem is it’s not that you have nothing with which to steer the ship but that you are too busy seeing what you perceive you don’t have and not enough time taking a look at what you do. Missed opportunities will be ample this week if you don’t begin to shift your perception. This is not a week to cut yourself off or isolate yourself. You may be afraid of getting hurt again. You may fear risking again but the fact is if you put yourself in isolation nothing happens. Yes, you may not get hurt in the same ways you did before but now you open up all new ways to inflict pain on yourself. This is a week when it’s imperative that you begin to take action. Stop stalling, stop isolating and stop letting the past dictate how you view and interact with the present.

 

Libra: Page of Swords is a dynamic card ripe with ideas and new ideas. You will be bursting at the seams with a desire to talk about and get started on all the new ideas that pop into your head. You will be filled with creative explosions and will waste no time in taking steps towards their actualization. It’s not that the ideas are bad or hold no weight, they very well could. But what determines whether they actually amount to much of anything at all is going to be whether or not the passion and determination can be sustained. The Page of Swords is a robust and exciting energy with promise of potential. It can be, however, quite scattered and unformed without some discipline and direction. This week you want to be sure to match your passion with a bit of practicality as well. This should not dissuade you from taking action, quite the contrary this card is the “go for it” sign we all wait for! It does implore you, however, to make sure you have a plan and approach your idea with just as much realism as you do passion and excitability.

 

Scorpio: Judgement calls this week and the question is whether you are listening. This is about getting in touch with your life’s purpose and mission. It’s about doing the often difficult self-inquiry in order to tear away the layers of conditioning so that you can reveal who you are at your core. Some see this card as rebirth but I prefer to see it as a coming home to one’s self; waking wild, if you will. This is about revealing the authentic and natural you. This week you may have an awakening where you realize that it’s high time that you begin to act in accordance to what you feel is best for you-not what others tell you or suggest that you do.  You will be able to approach this week with an inner wisdom that has compiled your past experiences in such a way that you can go forth capable of avoiding similar pitfalls. You see the meaning behind even the most problematic situations that you faced. You see it all as a journey rather than a conspiracy that life has chosen to pick on you. This week you start anew, a clean slate.

 

Sagittarius: This week you may have a fall from grace with the 6 of wands reversed. This can be due to egotism, dishonoring yourself or others or perhaps a lack of confidence getting in the way. A sure way to turn the energy of this card around is to pay special attention to each of these themes. Firstly ensure that you are not letting ego drive the car this week. Do not feel that you are so good at what you do that you cannot be beaten. We all have gifts and are excellent, gifted creatures. Please remove the need to be better than someone else. Additionally this week heed the golden rule. Treat others with kindness and honesty. This is not a week for tall tales or outright lies, you will be caught and it will impact your goals considerably. Lastly look at your confidence. While walking about thinking that you know it all is hardly the way to go you also want to avoid a total lack of confidence in the self. Though it can sometimes feel like a precious balance a middle ground between the two is ideal for the week ahead. Whatever you face this week understand that sometimes things do not reach immediate success not because they are hopeless but because we still have more we must invest in our vision. Have faith.

 

Capricorn: The High Priestess when reversed asks us to evaluate how we are using our power and voice. Are we turning away from both, choosing instead to acquiesce the needs and wants of others, even if it comes with a great cost to ourselves? Or are we perhaps misusing our power in order to manipulate others? I often times see this card when we want something so desperately that we sometimes resort to tactics that are quite unsavory in an effort to impose our will. Additionally this card requests that you not silence your inner guidance system. Within us all we have an astounding gift which will always lead us in the right direction if only we listen to it. This guidance system or intuition is a rich wellspring of information that can be used to assist us as we travel through our lives. When reversed this card can indicate that we may feel detached from this inner knowing or perhaps are willfully ignoring its message. Spend time in nature, meditate to get centered and quiet the external stimuli. This would be a great week to disconnect from devices as much as you can. If there is a message that is trying to make itself known to you now is the time to listen. It may scare you; it may be outside your comfort zone or in opposition of what you want but this message needs to be heard. It needs to be absorbed.

 

Aquarius: The Hermit reversed tells me that this week you may feel the need to run and hide away from it all. Sometimes this is necessary as we need to quiet our minds and environments in order to gain a fresh perspective. Spend some time in nature and feel free to create a bit of space for yourself but be mindful as well that you are not doing this to a fault. There are times that we go so far in we forget that we must take the knowledge gained and put it into practice in the real world. Only you can decide which side of the coin you are on this week-whether you need to make time for inward exploration or if it’s time to come out of it. Trust your gut and check your ego. One will lead you in the right direction and the other could hold you back.

 

Pisces: The Fool reversed asks that this week you watch that your decisions are not made off the cuff. You could inadvertently do something which ends up causing quite the disruption within your life. This is not the time for not thinking things through and the energy of this card lends itself for doing things with total disregard to the impact it can have upon your life. While sometimes we need to throw caution to the wind this week you would be better off taking a more meditative approach to anything you are contemplating. Think before you act and then think some more. Take time to weigh the pros and cons and take a look at what outcomes may be a result of any decision you make. Ultimately you are in control of your life and whether it’s positive or negative you must own how your own decisions played a part in the process.

 

Enjoy your week ahead lovelies! Remember that on July 25th Venus retrogrades. For a more in depth look at how this will impact you take a look at my recent article on the topic!

You meet someone and start talking; talking turns into dating and before you know it your interest isn’t just piqued but you are beginning to feel the first seeds of emotional attachment peeking up from the ground. You notice how simpatico the two of you are; you like similar things and laugh at the same jokes. You perhaps even have gone far enough to explore the sexual chemistry that exists between you two and are equally blown away. You are amazed to have finally found someone that you feel is a real contender for a long term relationship. And then suddenly they stop asking you out as often. You notice that they take forever to reply to texts, if they reply at all. You notice how you are the one always reaching out. Perhaps you confront them; inquiring if they are still interested to which they give you a very generic statement that doesn’t hint at any problems. Yet deep down you know. You KNOW that something is amiss and that their interest doesn’t seem to be where it once was. In most cases things progress to the point where they don’t just take a while to reply to you but end up fading out completely.

I am sure that this is a scenario which is familiar to us all and now there is even a modern day term that has been coined to explain this great fade out of relationships and it’s called Ghosting. Ghosting is the slow (and sometimes out of nowhere) lack of replying or returning phone calls that occurs when someone is exiting a relationship. They are there one moment and then gone the next and it’s incredibly frustrating for many of us who have been on the receiving end.

When someone has just stopped replying we are left feeling jilted. It feels like the rug has been not just been ripped but stolen right out from under us. The natural inclination is to keep trying to wedge the door back to them open if for no other reason than to understand, to get closure. While there is no doubt that ghosting is a cowardly way to handle the end of a relationship there can be some pretty significant issues which has led someone to choose this method to leave a relationship. There are many reasons which can be quite individualized for why someone may ghost you but the following list is a good place to start when trying to understand why someone decided to fade out of a relationship.

 

1.       He/she realized that in the long run things were not going to work.

Let’s be honest, we always put on our best mask when we first meet someone. We want to put our best foot forward and sometimes this means that parts of us are invariably hidden. As we spend more and more time together those parts of ourselves begin to show. The longer that we are with someone the more is revealed and this can be a crucial time in a relationship. Sometimes it gives our beloved more reason to love us and other times it clues us in to things that are out of alignment. Not every relationship is meant to evolve and sometimes the realization hits us that while good on the surface, the connection ultimately lacks what is needed to make it long term.

2.       He/she was afraid of confrontation.

This is a given, in my opinion but also a very important aspect to the entire notion of ghosting and why it’s done. For some of us confrontation is easy peasy. We have no fear of it and in fact may even be more than willing to confront a person or situation head on. For others, however, confrontation is something which makes palms sweat, breath to hasten and stomachs to roll. For those of us who have no issue with confrontation it can be difficult to understand why someone would be so afraid of it. We have troubles relating to the idea that someone would avoid confrontation at all costs but for many people out there avoidance is all they can do.

3.       You want different things.

Not all of us are after the same thing. Some of us have dreamt about our wedding and imagined what our children would be named since we were too young to even have an official boyfriend. For others, however, the notion of marriage, kids or the responsibility that comes with long term relationships isn’t a priority. Through the course of a relationship we are essential feeling out what is important to the other person and also what is not. There are times when many relationships end not because there isn’t chemistry or connection but because ultimately each wants something entirely different.

4.       You scared him/her.

Now before I get nasty grams where I am blamed of blaming the “victim” let me explain. Many of us are very passionate people and there is nothing at all wrong with that. But ultimately not every person is for every person. Sometimes our passion and motivation, especially when it comes to romantic relationships can scare others away. Whether it is pushing for commitment too soon, planning out a wedding before they have even said I love you or just being too available and not giving the other person (and ultimately yourself) the room to have a life outside of the connection we all have been in a situation where our passionate nature scared someone off. Stifling who we are never a good idea, however but sometimes it is important to take things one step at a time. Slow and steady wins the relationship race.

5.       They are scared.

Have you received a reading? Then I am sure that you have been told often that the person you ask about is just scared. They are running from the relationship and from their own feelings. And often times it’s sadly the generic tid bit given when a reader is not seasoned enough to tell the whole truth. Sometimes, however, it’s also incredibly true. For many, but especially men, the emotional realm is not always something they are comfortable in. Emotions are fickle, they rip us open, expose our vulnerabilities and leave us feeling either elated and over the moon or balled into the fetal position slobbering all over ourselves on the bathroom floor. The truth of the matter is that there will always be some who cannot handle strong emotions and as such will run, scared, from them.

6.       Withdraw is just their MO.

For many the only real relationship that someone wants is that awesome, adrenaline filled first stage. Each of you has tons of feel good hormones coursing through your veins and there is none of the heaviness of responsibility or dealing with the annoyance that comes with everyday life together. Many people check out of a relationship after that first stage begins to wane because they have an addiction to the higher octane lust that exists in the first stage. They seek out experiences where they can replicate that and often times that elevated emotional state begins to temper as a relationship evolves. Once a relationship begins to grow and perhaps the question becomes where to go from here they will decide the only place they are going is on to the next one.

 

Ghosting has been around for a very long time though we called it by numerous names through the years. Nothing can change the awful way that being ghosted leaves us feeling just as nothing can offer us true closure aside that which we provide ourselves. Rather than trying to bust through the door and force them to confront you it may be best to accept that they were not right for you in the first place. Yes things may have seemed great on the surface but that is the case in most relationships. Let’s be honest the points listed here are great for offering up a fair evaluation to understand things better but there is no excuse for bad manners. If someone has chosen to run from us rather than embrace life with us that gives us a heads up to their inner workings. I personally would prefer to spend my time with someone brave enough to face things head on and determine that I and what they feel for me is more important than avoiding dealing with their issues. My hope is that many of you chose the same. I have seen it time and time again wherein obsession sets in and not only do we convince ourselves that THEY must provide us with closure but we begin to lock into the potential that we first felt was possible in the connection. It leaves us feeling depleted, emotionally barren and often times in debt as we circle through reader after reader trying desperately trying to understand or even worse hear that they are coming back.

Are they? It’s quite possible. Sometimes the break and distance created is just enough space for someone to realize that you have left an indelible mark on their lives and hearts. Sometimes, however, we need to stop inquiring and instead shut and lock the door so that we can begin to focus on someone who will love and treat us with the respect that we deserve.

As an Intuitive & Tarot Counselor who specializes in love and relationships I am presented with a host of relationship questions and requests asking for relationship advice. I have been asked on more than a thousand occasions about when a relationship should evolve to “the next phase”.

Sometimes they have been involved for a long time without seeing things progress and sometimes they are just meeting someone and are wondering whether it’s worth their time but in either situation, they tend to place emphasis on the pace and direction the relationship will take.

How do we know when our natural curiosity begins to veer into obsession? How do we know if we are too focused on the destination and have lost sight of the journey? If you are looking for the key signs of a healthy relationship then you’ve come to the right place. 

Keep the following factors in mind before you jump to any conclusion about the relationship you are in:

What is a relationship? 

A relationship is organic. This means that just like every plant grows differently, every outfit looks different depending on the person wearing it and every child has their own unique personality, healthy relationships too are not one-size-fits-all!

Just because your best friend got engaged after only 6 months of dating doesn't mean that you have relationship problems that will doom you to become the crazy cat lady because your boyfriend of 3 years has not yet proposed. Every healthy relationship and those within it move at their own pace and there will be times when your pace may be different than others.

Why communication is key to being in a happy relationship

Any Coach who is worth their salt will remind you to communicate. We can certainly help you to understand the path ahead and provide tips for how to shift the relationship but ultimately you need to be able to communicate your wants and needs with your partner to avoid needless relationship problems. Do not worry about their reaction. If they get mad, is it because you are asking every week or because they are avoiding the subject? Each holds a very different meaning and you need to be honest about which of the two your situation falls under.

Not every relationship will evolve

Let’s be honest, there is no clear definition of relationships and not all relationships are going to result in marriage. Whether you are involved with someone who clearly doesn't have their heart in the relationship or who treats you poorly, understanding that sometimes letting go is better than continuing to push things forward is necessary. It’s also the most difficult conclusion to come to. Where our hearts are concerned we all tend to be rather stubborn. Doing a status check to see if your relationship is toxic will help you to understand both the connection and yourself better. Relationships should be uplifting, not something which deflates you.

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Why patience is a virtue in healthy relationships

My husband and I have been in each other’s lives for 8 years. We have been living together for 5 of those years and married for nearly 4 of them. What does this tell you? That sometimes the best things come to those who wait and work at it! We didn't always have smooth sailing and there were periods of separation as we each grew as individuals but we made it back together. You cannot be afraid to give the room necessary so you both can explore life and learn about the self. This gives you time to grow as individuals so that there is a sense of inner love and security rather than dependence on the relationship.

Additionally things do take time. Anyone can rush into something and then potentially regret it down the road but taking your time and learning about one another allows you to build a stable foundation so that when times are tough it’s not flight instead of fight. If you have just started dating someone and already you need to know where things are going it’s time to get yourself in check. Allow romance and love to unfold and reveal themselves. Enjoy the journey!

Respect yourself

This should always be your first priority. If you have been involved with someone for a long time and they still cannot even bother to call you their girlfriend or introduce you to their family then it’s time to have a talk. If they come in and out of your life and cannot be bothered to provide a little consistency then it may be time to hit the pause button. Live and experience your life and if things come back together with them then you will know that they were meant to do so. If they don't then you will know they were not right for you in the first place. The important thing is you do not put YOUR life on hold by putting a relationship before yourself. Inner love means external love; inner respect means external respect. Teach others how to treat you by treating yourself with worth and love

One of the biggest mistakes we can make as we strive for romance and love, aside from becoming too destination focused is to sacrifice ourselves. We cannot make a relationship or another person bigger and more important than ourselves. Our needs and desires are just as important as theirs. While we may not necessarily always be on the same time frame regarding moving things forward the ability to communicate these things is pivotal. 

So, the next time you are wondering “What is a relationship?” or you find yourself comparing your relationship to others, remember this: There is no clear definition of relationships. What do you think? We would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this one in the comments below!

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When I was dating I had a nasty habit of adopting my paramour’s interests to such a degree that I lost touch with who I was. If they liked skate boarding, suddenly I was carrying one around, despite it never touching the ground. If they were into alternative rock, I was jamming to it in my every free moment. I no longer knew who I was or what I liked, much less how to be the best version thereof!

It wasn’t until I ditched my caricatures and did the work on me that I began to attract healthy relationships.

When I was myself I was authentic, and people dig authenticity.

Being an imitation means that instead of enjoying your date, you are preoccupied with maintaining the façade and not making a “wrong move” that might turn them off. Here is a radical notion: There is nothing at all wrong with you! If something you say or do doesn’t sit well with one person, then move on and find someone who loves you for the brilliant babe you are.

Attract love by rocking who you are.

When we are comfortable in our own skin, we radiate positive vibrations that denote self-respect, self-acceptance and confidence.

This then draws to us people of a similar vibration. People who respect and accept themselves, and will encourage us to do the same. This is why self-help modalities are absolutely awesome. They teach us to be who we are instead of hiding from ourselves.

When we embrace ourselves, quirks and all, we open up unlimited possibilities for genuine, stable and fun relationships.

Don’t hit the pause button for love.

Relationships should be an addition to an already full life. Not that which makes a life full.

When we stop grasping for love like we are reaching for the last brownie in the batch, we have more time to explore what we like. We discover what makes us tick, what sets us on fire. We become more in touch with our own passions.

How can we find love when we are not even looking for it?

Easy. When we are doing the things we enjoy and that set flame to our lives, we meet others of similar persuasions with similar interests. We find people who are all about doing what they love, and are open to doing it with someone as fabulous as us at their side!

Then we can begin to cultivate relationships wherein we each have the freedom to explore our individual passions, as well as enjoy them as a couple.

Open yourself to love itself instead of the destination.

Sit back and meditate on love.

What will it feel like to give it? What will it feel like to receive it? Evaluate why you want love in your life.

Are you truly ready for it?

Getting in touch with love as opposed to destination attracts love toward us. It’s hard to meditate and open ourselves to love if we are more focused on getting married, having kids and other destination-focused themes.

Instead, sit pretty, and get close to the concept of love. Ask yourself how you can love yourself more. If we first become for ourselves what we want from others, we show ourselves that it all starts inside us. We light and stoke that flame from the inside, which means a brighter flame.

And a brighter flame has a farther reach, attracting more love toward us.

Understand that you are already complete.

When you were born, you were blessed with a beautiful, beating heart, lungs to take in life force and a brain capable of unfathomable things.

You were not born incomplete, only becoming whole after finding something or someone external to you.

I used to walk around feeling broke, and my skewed thinking at the time told me that love from another would “fix me” or make me “whole” again. It caused a huge delay in my own personal evolution, not to mention massive mistakes in love that caused further fracture. I was broken, but love from another was not the answer.

The prescription was love for myself, and I became a faithful patient.

I’m going to on the record right now and say that any so called self-help gurus, books or movements that feed the notion that we are incomplete without love from another are complete and utter bullshit!

We are beautiful, luminous and complete beings as we are right now. If we do not feel that way without a relationship, there isn’t a relationship or mate in the entire world who will change the feeling.

We have to change it for ourselves.

Accept yourself and kick fear to the curb.

I’ve grappled with fear my entire life, and not just in the realm of romance.

It often boils down, for myself and many others, to a fear of rejection. What if they don’t like my writing? What if he doesn’t like my hair? What if she doesn’t like her reading? I would drive myself into the ground out of this deep fear of rejection, a fear that progress in any fashion is impossible.

The truth is that not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. Instead I began, and encourage others, to focus on self-acceptance. When I accepted who I was, and loved every itty bitty detail of myself, it became less important for others to jump on my bandwagon. I still hope people enjoy what I offer in life and love, but I am no longer hesitant to act out of fear that they won’t.

Even better, as I grew to love and accept myself, others did too.

With love, just as in life, we will never find happiness by fearing rejection. Not everyone will think we are the bee’s knees,but it doesn’t matter so long as we do. The right person, who sees and loves us for who we are, will find their way to us.

Love requires that we take chances and color outside the lines. To do this, we must first prime the canvas.

By doing the work on ourselves and paying attention to the foundation present for love to be built upon, we can create limitless possibilities for healthy and stunning love. Finding love isn’t necessarily about being in the right place at the right time, or being predestined for some sort of invisible luck that some have and some don’t.

It’s about taking charge and evaluating our motivation.

Often we are our own biggest obstacle to finding and keeping love.

Start cleaning up the inside, and the outside will shine so brightly that no one will be able to resist!

 





****Originally published in OM Times Magazine

When it comes to matters of the heart we can often ignore relationship warning signs that there is trouble in paradise. We deny, we turn our cheek, we bury our heads in the sand all to avoid seeing the end of a relationship; but the ending is still there, looming before us, whether we choose to accept it or not.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that we never saw it coming and perhaps this is true. The need to avoid seeing that a relationship is ending can be so strong that we never become aware of the signs. In my work as a Tarot Intuitive Counselor and Master Life Coach I have helped thousands as they made a transition within their relationship. The following three relationship warning signs are among the most prevalent when a relationship is coming to a close.

Three Relationship Warning Signs

Relationship Warning Sign #1 – You are no longer sexually aligned.

Though sexuality is often considered superficial, sexual health is extremely important in a relationship. Things wax and wane but I have counseled couples who have gone months and even years without sexually pleasing one another. Being out of alignment sexually can occur for any number of reasons but it is a major sign that there is something unbalanced in the relationship. Whether it’s mounting resentments that keep you from engaging or even resistance to connecting sexually with one another it’s important to pay attention to the sexual health of a relationship. Opening an honest and safe dialogue if you notice that things are declining in this area is crucial towards shifting the tide. This is not a time to be confrontational or use it as a pity party but to honestly discuss what is happening.

Relationship Warning Sign #2 – You are picking fights.

This is often considered to be part of the female shadow aspect but both partners fall victim to this tendency. If you are constantly picking fights, nit picking on their faults or generally being difficult to get along with this is a sign of something being out of balance. Whether you are using your partner as a scapegoat or a battering ram it’s not healthy to create conflict where no conflict need exist. Its typically a sign that you either want them to do the dirty work for you or that you are holding on to resentments and rather than dealing with things head-on you are using small, unrelated things, to unleash your frustration. It’s important to ask yourself why you are creating conflict and if there is something underneath all of this that is the root of the issue. If you realize that you are using his socks being on the floor as a scapegoat for forgetting your anniversary or that secretly you are unhappy and are hoping to make him so as well then you can begin to have a dialogue with what should come next. 

Relationship Warning Sign #3 – You feel the need to change to make your partner happy.

We are all influenced by the people we spend the most time with, this is a given. When we begin to cross the line between influence and changing who you are at your very core in order to try to appease another. It is crucial that we understand a relationship should be two WHOLE individuals coming together in a joint partnership. We cannot expect to make our relationships work or retain the relationship with the self by morphing who we are to be more appealing or desirable to another. If you find that there is a gap in the beliefs and ideals held sacred between you two then its important to examine together what this means. Are the new beliefs compatible in any way or are they mutually exclusive, leaving you two arguing more than enraging with one another?

Don’t ignore the signs; listen to your body.

This is perhaps the most important thing I will discuss in this article. I’ve touched on the fact that when we experience the declining or shifting of a relationship we have a tendency to ignore the signs that are right in front of us but it’s hard to ignore what our bodies are telling us. Much sooner than the heart or the mind, our bodies often know far in advance that something is rotten in Denmark. It’s important to listen to what our bodies are telling us. Do we tense up around our lover? Do we feel anxious or wake in the middle of the night in hot sweats? It’s very important to journal or log how you are feeling and whether your body is trying to tell you something that your heart and mind perhaps have been avoiding hearing.

Just because you see some of these signs in your relationship doesn’t mean that things are necessarily irreparable and you are destined for an ending. Provided that both of you are willing counseling, coaching and other modes of psychotherapy are incredibly helpful when fixing issues in a connection. It is not easy or painless. Our relationships are often direct models of the relationship we have with ourselves. When one sours we can invest in a bit of self-inquiry regarding the other. We have to look at how we perhaps are modeling behavior or triggering behavior within our partner that is counterproductive to a healthy relationship. Its deep business, for sure, but the fact is unless we are willing to do the hard work we cannot expect the good results.

I wake each day, no matter the conflicts faced the night before, thanking the divine that I am no longer in the market for a new lover.

I empathize with those who are looking for love; the modern dating culture seems to have become a minefield of deception, game playing and limitless confusion.

These days what we think is the right thing to do is wrong and everything is about power plays, down playing and denying.

A look at some of the bestselling “dating guides” on Amazon showcases a wealth of so called rules that include how long we should wait to contact, who should make the contact, how to have someone eating out of the palm of our hand and more. All of these guides are chock full of trickery and petty manipulation that has created a modern dating culture filled with deceptive and at times totally conflicting qualities.

Is it really any wonder why so many struggle to find their footing in the dating world?

These days many prefer to stay in lifeless relationships than venture into the wild tundra that has taken over dating these days and who can blame them? The rules seem to change with every tick of the clock and it seems it’s more about getting the advantage than having fun falling in love.

Here is how we can find a little bit of honesty in increasingly dishonest dating culture.

1. If we like them then we need to rock it!

It’s time to stop pretending that we do not like someone in order to appear cool, gain power or because we are afraid. If they are not interested in us then they are not interested, we can then accept it and move on. Everything, however, will be much simpler and efficient if everyone would just be straight up about how they feel.

Let’s stop worrying about whether our honesty will scare them off. If they are truly that intimidated by the gift of another’s interest do we really want them in our life? Let’s just be us and let them be them…ultimately it’s the only way to get a feel for who people really are behind their mask.

2. Court one another.

Dating is supposed to be fun and frankly we need to get back to that revelry! It’s time to get rid of destination obsession and just get to know one another without the heaviness of “where is this going” and other questions that often times are symptomatic of putting the cart before the horse.

A nice way to see where a relationship is going is to allow it to unfold and blossom as it is meant to—not as it will if we are obsessing over every tiny move and detail. This distorts our energy and our broadcast and ends up altering how our lover responds to us. It creates heaviness where we want a bit of fun. Sometimes it’s not about the destination; those who are married or engaged are no more secure or better off than you are where you are at in this very moment.

Let’s take out the comparison and learn to enjoy the ride.

3. It’s time to power down.

Everything these days is done through a device of some sort. Entire relationships are started through textbefore we ever even meet one another face to face! We chat back and forth and exchange photos of one another until one of us is brave enough to suggest getting together.

He texts a picture of his car so we know which one is his when we come down from our place to be picked up (remember when they used to pick us up at the door? I digress). Now it’s on to a mutually agreed upon place where we sit across from one another and can hear crickets chirping. Suddenly we realize that we really have no idea how to interact face to face and there is no emoji for real life dating.

It’s time to put down the device and begin to have more face to face interaction or at the very least talk to one another on that device. We need more communication that isn’t entirely predicated on words floating across a screen. It’s time to disconnect so we can reconnect.

4. Stop using past wounds to justify (crappy) present behavior.

Everyone has been hurt. We have all cheated, been cheated on, rejected, excluded and otherwise wounded in our past relationships. Not everyone, however, is using those experiences to excuse fearing commitment, taking advantage of others and otherwise being a total jackass to those who care about them. Being hurt in the past does not give us carte blanche to hurt others in the present.

Face the things you went through, heal and let go. Let’s not become tormentors because we were once tormented.

5. No more downplaying what we want.

Do you want a relationship? Are you looking for someone to settle down with? Do you know that someday you want marriage and kids?

Then be honest about it!

If they do not want those things then we must not change our tune or think that we can bide our time, show them how fabulous we are and suddenly they will change their mind. We are indeed quite fabulous…so much so that we should not have to hide what we want or otherwise waste what is ultimately precious time on someone who is not on the same page as us.

If there are things that are non-negotiable then it’s time we stop compromising just to keep someone around.

6. No more following so called dating rules designed to sell books.

There is no single right or wrong way to approach dating. Ultimately the books and guides that others write are their interpretation and ultimately are designed in such a way as to capture our attention and purchase the thing. Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes it’s not. Ultimately we need to find out what works for us.

Just like with fashion it’s best to not always follow trends when we are navigating the dating landscape. It’s important for us each to know what works for us and what doesn’t so that we can stay true to our standards and boundaries.

7. Stop using people.

It’s time for us all to stop being romantic opportunists. Instead we should choose someone because they make us come alive with passion and feel empowered. We should stay away from spending time with someone just because we want a (any) warm body there, because they happen to be good in the sack or because they elevate or validate our status.

We do not need others to warm our bed or make us look good; we make ourselves look goodand must learn to be our own best lovers. It’s important to choose someone who ultimately is going to support us in ways that has nothing to do with external validation.

8. Get to know each other.

It’s time we ask one another more questions. Do they like their eggs scrambled or over easy? Do they prefer water or mountain terrain? Are they into skiing or snowboarding? Do they want to travel or are they more into their immediate community?

These days everyone (including myself!) is in such a damn rush to get to the end result they are glossing over the whole “getting to know you” phase. Is it really any wonder why so many people realize well after the fact that they are attached to completely incompatible people? I nearly destroyed my relationship with my husband as I fought tooth and nail to push things forward to the destination I thought we needed to be before we truly had time to even explore one another.

Don’t make the same mistake, instead take some time to learn who they are beyond the mask. Rushing into things will constantly result in heartbreak. It’s time to practice a bit of discernment and slow it down!

9. Heed the Golden Rule.

We must treat others how we desire to be treated. Period.

10. No more putting ourselves down.

If there is someone we like we need to approach them and stop telling ourselves they are out of our range or too good for us. Remember that we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If we talk ourselves down or walk around feeling and believing we are unlovable we will attract those who affirm that externally.

11. Why so serious?

Love is supposed to be fun and yet so many of us approach it like it’s a business arrangement and we are knee deep in serious negotiation. Let’s crack a joke occasionally and let others see our sense of humor and luminous smile! It’s time to stop analyzing what they will think and send a corny or off handed text and care not as to whether we look silly. Just be and have fun. If we have fun, chances are others around us will as well.

12. Save the sex.

At the risk of sounding absolutely archaic maybe it’s time we get to know one another before we share a bed or couch or backseat. I get it, people these days are getting intimate much sooner and I’m not opposed, that is how 90 percent of my relationships formed. It is not, however, always the ideal situation because it can muddy the waters.

When we mix the chemistry of our brains on sex with a new connection with little formed we make things exponentially more complicated. If you are only looking for a good time then run with it, but if you have found someone that you think you could sit still with maybe taking a moment and holding off will let you build a foundation that will allow for that to happen.

13. Let go of expectation.

Expectation is a tricky best. It is hard to get out from its headlock and yet that is exactly what we need to do if we want to date in a more relaxed atmosphere. It’s good to know what we want but not become so rigid in it that we overlook someone who may be what we need and not just what we want.

I suggest we get to know people and let go of who we expect them to be. Let things evolve and move organically and let go of the assumption of where things should be and when. I for one wish we would stop missing out on the present because we are so caught up in our preconceived notions of what should be.

14. Practice compassion.

We all learn something new with each date and relationship. Everything is one step at a time and though that may be frustrating it’s time we all learn to accept that with compassion. Rather than getting upset because our friends are getting married and we can barely muster a date on a Friday accept that we have our own path, our own trajectory. This may not always align with where others are at in their own personal trajectory and that is okay.

Where we are at in this very minute is exactly where we need to be and once we learn to accept that there is a beautiful freeing feeling that washes over us. Just the same, it’s important that we not be too hard on ourselves because we happen to make a mistake or two here and there.

This is a human experience and flaw is a part of that ride. Some dates or relationships we will feel at our personal best and then there are those which will draw out the shadow in us. The more compassionate and loving we are with ourselves the more we are free to learn what we are meant to without judgement or lower vibration feelings which weigh us down and stop our growth.

The more honest we are with ourselves and what we want, the more we can go out into the dating world an honest person. It’s important for us to save the games for the playground and demand those in our lives do the same.

Ultimately, whether our dating experience is riddled with deception or honesty is a choice we must consciously make.

It is my hope that we will each be more honest with ourselves and with those who we invite in our lives. In so doing I believe that we will create a space for turning around a culture of dishonesty and allow for a more conscious and evolved dating and relational experience.

 

Good afternoon! I hope that you are all enjoying your Memorial Day weekend!

I wanted to highlight a recent rating I received and give a brief explanation of how intuitive/psychic insights work so that this can serve as a learning opportunity for those who have a misguided, rather Hollywood esque perception of readings.

Here is the rating in question:

“She said no one will know if he cheats or not, that's up to free will and that she didn't know if we would stay together and then said "that's so Hollywood". This is a psychic reading website, isn't it? I paid her for a psychic reading and all I got was a lot of "I don't know". I rarely leave feedback but I'm so shocked, I had to say something this time. Refund. “

 

When someone asks if “will we stay together... long term?” “Will he ever cheat?” these are questions that no one, lest they are God or Goddess can answer with any level of accuracy. Why? Because lest you your partner has already decided that on June 6th 2015 they are going to cheat on you this is a matter of freewill, NOT prediction. The same applies for those who wish to have some sort of promise that they and their beloved will always stay together. This is a matter of freewill; the decisions which are made by both parties in the relationship ultimately determine whether or not a relationship has the power to make it in the long run.

Life is not but a series of fated events. Your future and the future of those around you are not already predetermined and written on a stone slab somewhere for us readers to remotely capture information from and vomit a prediction to you. Those who do this are charlatans. This is an unfortunate side effect of those seeing one too many Hollywood productions offering up caricatures of what a reading entails and thinking that this is how it must be in real life. It is not.

Readings are tools for understanding your present, the immediate future based on the current path and how each of the behaviors and masks that you are both wearing will impact that trajectory going forward.

If you are looking for someone to dangle their gypsy bracelets and give you absolutes as though you are but a mere puppet on a string going through an already decided upon choreography I am not the reader for you. In fact many of us ethical readers who work to provide genuine insight that is not choked by the psychic, Hollywood jargon are not the readers for you.

Having a true understanding of what a reading is and not basing your expectations on a Ms. Cleo reading are quite important. Its important for your wellbeing and the situation you find yourself in but also to your reader. Your reader, if they are in fact ethical and interested in your wellbeing, does not have a telescope which reads in perfect detail your entire future. While this would be an extraordinary feat it is, in fact, not how intuitive abilities work. Instead ethical readers are more concerned with helping you understanding what is going on, why, what you have to immediately look forward to and what you can do about it. We want you to feel empowered by the realization that because your life is vastly controlled by you and the decisions you make you, that YOU alone have the power to craft your life. You neednt feel at the mercy of outside events or a fate that has already been determined!

While it is often nice to try and relinquish responsibility and control of our lives over to some notion of fate or happenstance it unfortunately does not produce lives or relationships of any level of health, stability or longevity. If you are with a genuine and ethical reader you will know by their refusal to sacrifice their integrity for the sake of padded readings and coddled ego.

Happy Memorial Day!

 

No doubt if you have gone on a date in the last decade you have experienced something similar to this: You are dating, things feel good, you are having a good time and you start thinking to yourself that this could be “the one”. Then before you know it you are dateless on a Friday night. He doesn’t return your calls or texts with the frequency he used to, if he responds at all. Suddenly you realize you are getting the brush off-rather than approaching the end of the connection directly you are being phased out, slowly but surely. You are confused, you are saddened and you begin agonizing over every detail, large and small with your girlfriends. Could it be that your own actions are doing more harm than good?

Entire books have been written on the subject of men pulling away. Dozens of afternoon talk shows have dedicated their program to the topic and coaches such as me have made careers out of helping women understand why men slowly fade out of relationships. By understanding why this phenomenon happens and how you could be promoting his pulling away you are in a better position to make sure it DOESN’T happen to you. Here are 5 of the most common reasons men pull away.

1. He is actually busy.

Is he really pulling away or are you freaking out because he happens to not respond to your text within 30 minutes? He is allowed to have a life and do his own thing and this may mean from time to time that he cannot respond right away. If you have an issue with this then chances are it’s because you are not keeping yourself busy enough and should ask yourself why you need such a fast response from him. Is there something else you could be doing with your time? Maybe he had to work late; perhaps he helped a buddy move or just caught up with family for a birthday dinner. The point is that you should let him have his own identity and not pressure him to respond immediately as this will only work right against your goal of keeping this man in your life.

2. You’ve lost the “right” chemistry.

Notice that I said the “right” chemistry and not chemistry as a whole. Chances are you two will have great physical chemistry even as he starts his great fade-out. What I am speaking on is the other type of chemistry, the brains chemistry which is just as much a part of our falling in love as knowing what to do between the sheets is. You see when we first meet someone and start dating our brains release a surplus of oxytocin. This makes women bond and attach emotionally and men feel this as well. They also experience a sharp decline in testosterone which then increases their stress levels and makes them feel easily pressured. They go from enjoying themselves to full fledge freaking out and they run.

3. He feels the pressure.

You are at a place where you feel that it’s time for things to move forward to the next level. This is a time of great pressure and responsibility for a man. They are not the type to attach themselves to unless they feel capable of performing in the role and make no mistake-no matter how independent you are he needs to feel capable of supporting you and creating a life with you. If you have recently suggested that things move forward and he has gotten rather silent understand that he knows where you stand and is having his own little tantrum.

Instead of increasing the pressure, and yes those not so subtle hints you are dropping need to stop, you should start focusing on nurturing the relationship itself. Nothing sends a man running more than the horrific stench of desperation and pushiness. Work on creating a healthy relationship and nurturing one another so that he knows how important the relationship is to you, not the destination.

If you feel that you are truly ready for movement and he is not then maybe it’s time to begin to pull away a bit yourself. Now, I’m not suggesting you pull away and go on and on about why you are pulling away but rather that you begin to act with a bit of self-preservation. Focus on you and see what happens.

4. Your support of him has left the building.

Make no mistake-men, like women, enjoying feeling appreciated. If you are suddenly doing more nitpicking than encouraging he is going to find someone else to be his biggest fan. It’s not about ego stroking; it’s about understanding that we all gravitate towards those things that make us feel good. A man doesn’t feel good when there is someone who is looking over their shoulder to point out their every mistake each second of the day and let’s be honest ladies, neither would you! Take the effort to foster a very supportive environment which you are each one another’s biggest fans and he will never want to lose that force in his life.

5. He has found someone else.

Yes, it sucks but it does happen and to be quite honest it happens more often than not when the above mentioned points are ignored. If you have started to nitpick, pressure him for something before he is ready and failed to take into account his feelings chances are he could have started looking elsewhere. Even if he has found someone else understand that it doesn’t mean it’s over but it does mean you have your work cut out for you. If your once hot and heavy man suddenly goes MIA and cuts you out of his life cold turkey chances are he is spending his time with someone else.

The bottom line is that men pull away for a variety of reasons and yes some of them are even due to the mistakes that we women make. Your intentions could be good and you may be dealing with your own bag of drama from past relationships but it’s important to evaluate whether your actions are doing more harm than good.  Foster a healthy relationship by ensuring that each of you has a very full and rich life. My motto is that relationships should be an addition to a very full life, not what makes a life full. Slow your roll and do not chase a man whilst in the throes of panic mode. He will only respond with his own panic and run, FAST, in the other direction.

If you find that you are not promoting his pulling away then stay calm. You cannot lose what is truly yours and if someone is fading you out then they were not right for you to begin with. It’s not always the most comforting thing to accept but the fact is that not every connection is meant to go the distance. Use this as a learning experience and harvest what you can so that you can take the valuable information gained from this connection with you as you move towards the next and possibly greatest love!

 


You were too available. You came on too strong. You slept with him too soon. You didn’t sleep with him soon enough. You let it slip that you want to get married. You told him you loved him. You were too clingy. You were too emotional. You were too desperate. You were too independent.

Chances are you have heard one or more of those things from supposed guides/friends more than once. You likely came upon those stunning nuggets of insight after complaining to your confidant that someone you were interested in seems to be acting askew.

They likely told you any of the aforementioned things but also likely made it sound as though men and women were somehow predisposed to love differently. That in order to “get” him you had to behave a certain way, dress a certain way…speak a certain way.
The problem with this line of thinking however is that eventually if you do get him through that tactic you eventually find it’s rather difficult to keep up the façade without little snippets of your true personality coming through at some point. This also means that the person you are doing all of this for is not falling in love with “YOU” but rather the version of yourself that you feel HE or SHE wants you to be.

The fact is that in love these days we play so many games we hardly know how to navigate our lives anymore. There are so many so called mistakes that could send the object of our desire running that the path towards love becomes so narrow that you either end up stuck somewhere in the middle or unable to proceed forward at all. We end up playing game after game trying desperately to “win” that we end up hurting ourselves and the person we are with even more.

Why do we play these games? Well in some cases I admit that it’s sometimes needed. You can use certain things to illicit a reaction. The issue with this is that there is a very fine line between eliciting a reaction and total fakery. Doing something solely for the purpose of eliciting a reaction is an appropriate thing in the moment, for the moment. It’s not something that is supposed to become the way in which you traverse a relationship.

The fact is if you have to resort to changing too much about yourself to get the attention of another then that person is not worth your attention. It sounds trite but the fact is you don’t have to work that hard if you feel secure and confident in your ability to be loved and desired by another. When you begin to try too hard you essentially place them on a pedestal above you saying “I have to do all this because you’re obviously that much better than me and thus these things are required of ME for YOU to love me”

No relationship can sustain itself under those parameters. If you are clearly missing that much within yourself that you feel that to get someone you have to analyze your every step…or worry about changing who you are because it may not be “good” enough for them then you are placing attention on the wrong thing. You should instead take some time to see how you can foster security and confidence so that your life becomes full and secure without a man/woman. So that you can have a relationship that becomes a welcome addition to an already full life...not a life which becomes full because of a relationship.


If you cannot be your unadulterated self in the presence of someone you are interested in then what exactly does that say about that person, and the connection as a whole?
Sure you can alter your behavior, tone down your dress, cuss less and walk at a certain pace but the fact is that isn’t you…and as such you cannot expect that anything you are attempting to build with have any foundation whatsoever.

Another fact is that men and women love the same. THERE! I said it! Whether you take five days to call after a date or 5 minutes really matter not. You can get locked into that manipulative game playing but in the end it only results in becoming so emotionally woodened that we are unable to feel or express true love.
You don’t need to question whether a man or woman wants/loves or thinks about you if you haven’t heard from them in 6 week or even 6 months. When we, whether male or female, love someone truly we cannot just walk away from that. We will generally (barred certain circumstances) move Heaven and Earth to get what we want. Obstacles may slow us down but they do not stop us. If you find that you cannot get them to pick up the phone save for when THEY want something…or if you find that they cannot be made to commit even though you have been through hell and back with one another and stuck in this undefined area for years then trust me STOP bending over backwards for them. If they wanted you, TRULY, WHOLEY and ETERNALLY, then they would have you. They know how you feel. They know you want them…the only thing that is stopping them from having you is the fact that they don’t want you ENOUGH but don’t want to let go off all that you provide them with.

Disillusionment is a rather intrinsic aspect of falling in love. We meet someone we have a connection with, we want to see how far it can go and sometimes this causes us to play endless amounts of games that end up not only failing to deliver us what we want but hurting our self in the process.  
Stop playing the game…stop worrying and stop questioning your every move. The more you try to control the path love takes, the more you try to domesticate it the more unruly it becomes. The more you try to second guess everything and foresee everything before it happens the more you take the fun out of the entire experience. The entire reason we fall in love is so that they can experience and touch parts of us that typically we keep hidden from the world.  If we constantly guard ourselves with games of manipulation or become dismantled because of the actions of someone else we rob ourselves of the experience of that connection.

Yes, perhaps by coming on too strong, or slipping that you want to get married and have children you may see him leaving dust in his wake but then doesn’t that tell you that he/she was not the one for you? Stop running around in circles trying to win the affections of another or playing game after game to keep a relationship going. It’s not going to result in the relationship you want and chances are it’s going to cost you the most important relationship you will ever have…the one with yourself.

Be strong. Be confident. Be YOU!


Nearly 85-90% of those situations I read deal with love. Whether its a lost love, a current love, or questions on when love will be found its a rather central theme to each reading. Typically one of the questions I hear most is "Does he love me?". The answer to this question is never as black and white as one would wish. There are many different forms of love and a basic understanding of what love is and isnt is necessary. As is evident in the title of this post its important to understand the difference between a conditional love and an unconditional love. We will delve into this topic and also the ways in which energy and empathic readers such as myself tell the difference between a love with condition and one without.

Contrary to popular belief love is not an emotion, it is an energy. There is no gauge for measuring this energy, it can only be described. Thus its impossible to answer those who ask "How much does he love me?".
Love is a connection between two people. Whether this person reciprocates your love or not is irrelevant, the fact that you have this energy for them links them to you in one way or another.

There are many forms of love and we have all experienced most if not all of them throughout our lifetime. The love that we feel for our family is quite different from that which we feel for our friends and what we feel for our friends is no doubt different than that which we feel for our children, ex-lovers, current lovers, coworkers and acquaintances. Each of the energies you feel for these people are different forms of love. In my readings I typically distinguish these forms of love into three different categories: Platonic Love, Romantic Love and Familial Love. 

The purpose of love is quite simple; its to create authentic bonds. Authenticity implies genuine connection. It implies that we are there just as much for their benefit as we are our own. You should create room for there to be ample growth and support for our lovers growth and fulfillment just as they should be helping to support and cultivate our own. 

When I read someone in a love related question, in particular those centered on another person or relationship I read the energies and the colors of those energies around the people in question. Many in my readings have heard me speak of the energy of passion, emotions, intellectual connection, affection, communication (a key issue) the mutual goals of the two people involved and also the energy of karmic/spiritual connection. When one of these is out of alignment this shows me where the imbalance is occurring. If all of these energies are lighted to their fullest potential this indicates a very healthy and unconditional love.
When two people are in perfect balance with the above mentioned energies then they begin to radiate together a higher love and one which not only radiates between them but also spills over into the world around them. Its often times very easy to notice those who have this bond. They are the couple that no matter how irritating it may be to see you feel better, more hopeful and optimistic about love and life by simply being in their presence. 


As mentioned when two people are balanced in the previously mentioned energies that qualifies as an unconditional love. Its a love that doesnt allow obstacles, large or small to stand in its way. Like parents who unconditionally love their children even when their children have disappointed them, unconditional love knows no bounds. It endures and persists no matter what happens. Its an "inspired" love as it makes you feel good and capable of anything and likewise does the same for your partner. 
Unconditional love doesn't mean that its pain or obstacle free, rather quite the contrary there may be many obstacles. An unconditional love, however, has the power and the impact to withstand that obstacle and to keep on going. Those in an unconditional love feel the security that comes from knowing that this person has your back ALWAYS...not just when it may be convenient for them. 

Conditional love is another form of love. This love, however, is not a very balanced love. This is often a love created around a set of bargains. To get "B" you must give "A". Those involved with someone who only conditionally loves them understand that even when you give "A" you very seldom get "B". Its said that conditional love doesn't create a bond like that which is found in unconditional love rather it creates a pact or a contract. If you fail to give them what they require then their "love" is no longer available to you. You often times are punished if you fail to give them what they want. They will go MIA, threaten to leave you, throw other people in your face, etc. Theirs is a love which is based on convenience. If its not convenient to love you in that particular moment, if it happens to interfere with something else they want, then that "love" goes out the window. 

Clearly there is a wealth of difference between conditional and unconditional love. Both are considered love but clearly one is more healthy than the other. Conditional love doesn't ask for anything in return. Its not filled with stipulation after stipulation.

If you're involved with someone who loves with condition that doesn't mean you should suddenly develop conditions of your own. We are all here to be loved and each day you have to ask yourself whether you are loved and loving without condition. Are you going to accept conditional love from another or will you recognize that you are worth more and deserve more? Practice forgiveness for the person who loves you with condition. When they are surrounded by someone who loves without condition and meets all their needs they can become lazy and rather complacent. They find little motivation to love unconditionally because they are already receiving that unconditional love without having to change how they respect and treat their partner. You cannot change how they view things, you cannot make them love you unconditionally, all you can do is see that they dont love you unconditionally, forgive them and behave in a manner that shows you know you deserve someone with out those conditions. 
Many times I am asked "How can I change the way things are going?". Sometimes there are ways in which you can change your response to things to promote change on an overall level, other times there are not. In cases where someone loves with conditions its important to understand that you cannot change that. There are deep seeded issues there wherein they only love in so far as it benefits them. Chances are this habit or issue stretches back to their childhood, even their past lives. Its an issue that they alone MUST work on and until they do you cannot help them. 

You can choose, however, to be loved without condition. You can love yourself without condition just as you loved them without condition. When we love ourselves fully and completely we attract more of the same. Of course staying in a self destructive and unhealthy relationship is NOT loving yourself fully but that is a path you can change if you truly want to. Remember that nothing is set in stone and you have the power to attract into your life the exact love that you want. When you receive love that is as unconditional as what you feel for them you will look back upon past experiences as learning curves, designed to prepare you for and guide you to receive unconditional love.

We have all been there at one time or another-each for various durations. We are totally into someone-they seem to be incredibly interested in us and we want to take it to the next level. Sometimes they do-sometimes they do not.

They could be up for a casual/physical relationship (this is the 21st century, folks, please check your judgment or pious indignation at the door, please) which you may agree to; typically with the hope that it results in something more. They may even entirely reject the idea of a relationship-physical or otherwise-noting that they just simply do not feel the same way as you do.

 

In either case when we feel  rejected or as though they are only giving half of themselves we begin to “mine for” information which validates the belief that they truly love us, want more and are, for whatever reason, holding back. Soon every text, email, face to face conversation or experience becomes fodder for our analysis as we frenetically nitpick every single detail looking for signs that our belief is not foolish or shaded a lovely color of rose but is in fact true.

Soon the act of holding open the door for us to walk through, commenting on our gorgeous dress or texting us (along with 50 others) something funny and even a bit cheeky become sure-fire signs that he is madly in love with or at the very least “totally into” us.

Instead of his being just a good person; kind, compassionate and considerate, these sometimes most miniscule events become heavy with the weight of validating our sometimes very misinformed belief.

In short we become desperate to see every occurrence from the perspective of whether it validates his caring or not.

I have found in my years offering readings that there are generally 3 truths when this happens.

 

1.     They said it-they meant it!

 

If a guy (or put in whatever personal pronoun works best for you) tells you point blank he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t feel the same for you or that he is not interested in taking things further he means it. He is not analyzing this ad nauseam (as we likely have been) with some master plan of getting us to believe he doesn’t care just so that he can jump around, suddenly, and scream:“TRICKEDYOU!SecretlyIloveyouandcannotgetenoughofyoupleasemarrymeNOW!”

 

2.     They are not scared-they are not interested.

 

Sadly many who do what I do, or claim to do what I do, perpetrate this horrifically overused notion that if a man is not interested or is not giving a full relationship (back and forth, in and out etc. ) that really he is secretly petrified of you, his feelings for you, of relationship etc. etc. There is no end to what will be the next reason for his fears (and coincidently this tends coincides with a prediction for his turn around that never came to pass). It is as though we are made to believe that every man is this neurotic bag of fears incapable of intimacy or love. I have been married for nearly several years and have done my fair share of dating-some good and some bad.  TRUST me they are capable and not all of them are messed up commitment phobes. What typically results in a man not committing is that he doubts this is exactly what he wants. Is that really what we want? To be someone he settles for if nothing better arrives?

 

3.     They want parts of you-not all of you.

 

I have talked at length about those who engage in back and forth relationships; those relationships predicated on inherent insecurity and inconsistency that lack commitment and reciprocation of unconditional feelings. Sometimes we are perfectly content with this connection as the responsibility of a full relationship just is not practical for us at the moment. Sometimes, however, and “sometimes” I would be willing to bet could be easily changed to “most times”, we engage in these connections with the expectation, deep seated hope and sometimes naïve belief that eventually they will give us more.

We deal with a relationship that exists on their schedule alone. We continue to try to see every moment whilst basking in the afterglow of a romantic interlude as signs that secretly he loves us and will eventually commit to us fully.

Unfortunately they will not. If they wanted all of us they would take it. Ultimately there is a certain level of fulfillment they get from us and the best part is that because they know we want more they can get a great deal from us without giving much of anything of themselves. They know that we would rather have something than nothing at all.

 

We spend so much time analyzing information trying desperately to justify our continued belief that they want what we want that we never stop to ask if this person should be in our lives. Do we want a relationship so bad that it’s become more about just getting there than it is who we become involved with? Why does there have to be this tangled web of subterfuge and complexity? Why do our egos become so fragile that we cannot merely accept they are not interested? Wouldn’t it just be easier if we took their comments/actions at face value instead of exhausting ourselves mining for proof to the contrary?

Trying to change a man to suit our vision of him, what I call man-renovation mode can be a very vicious cycle that leads to wasted potential and unhealthy relationship patterns. It is not our jobs to change those in our lives or mold them into who we want or think they should be. It’s futile and only ends up wasting valuable resources that could be better put to use on ourselves. The following small adjustments will assist with getting you out of the “man renovation” mindset:

~The more you focus in on what you don’t want the more of that you will see and receive in your relationship. Highlight instead what you enjoy about your beloved or the relationship. If you are having troubles coming up with even a few things that you are thankful for or enjoy than I would suggest asking yourself why you are still there. 

~No one is perfect. You are not perfect, he is not perfect, and life is not perfect. But you can be perfectly imperfect together. Learning to harness the feeling you want to have in your relationship while being open to the form gives room for our individual uniqueness to shine through.

~It’s very difficult to teach an old dog a new trick but change is truly impossible when we resort to whining, bitching and unsavory behavior which demeans the person we are involved with. If you need something learn to ask and suggest and stay away from insulting another. Though they may not be right for you that doesn’t mean they are somehow flawed overall.

~Relationships suffer greatly when you are taking a microscopic look at your lover or the relationship to avoid turning the scope on yourself. A man (woman) or a relationship should NEVER be the focal point of your universe.  You should be that for yourself. And if you cannot make yourself come first- learn to make yourself happy- there is not a single soul on this planet that will be able to do it for you. Instead of nit picking at another employ that keen eye for detail on yourself and aim towards your personal evolution.

Next time that you are starting to get upset because they haven’t yet changed their Facebook relationship status, neglected to pick up their socks or otherwise grated on your nerves ask yourself whether it’s really worth getting bothered over. Are these acceptable deficiencies or are you searching for a reason to find issues? Remember that you fell for this person for a reason. Though they are certainly not without flaws if you attempt to change the very things that make them who they are you miss the point of a relationship. Each of you should be loved to such a degree that you feel free; free to be yourselves and to rock your flaw.

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You are enjoying a wonderful date with a very good-looking guy. As far as first dates go you are totally scoring this one a win, thus far. The conversation is flowing, you feel on top of the world, you look good, feel good....he is sending you the right signals and you are in bliss. He trails off to the bathroom and suddenly you are wondering what he is thinking. Thoughts about whether there will be a second date pop in. Before you know it (and before he even got his trousers down to pee) you are wondering whether he would like a beach wedding, how your kids will look and whether or not he has an IRA so that you can both retire at the young age of 50 and sail around the world. 

He comes back from the loo and no sooner sits down when he picks up something....different. He isn't aware of just what it is but suddenly you appear different to him. He feels anxious, closed off and even antsy as though he is supposed to be doing something but no instruction was ever given. He starts to think too much about what he is saying and you notice that the conversation goes from fluid to forced. You catch him looking at you out of the corner of your eye and are fear stricken when you realize he is visually dissecting you, much like school children dissect a frog.

The date ends, perhaps FAR earlier than what you hoped and there is barely even a quick peck on the cheek before he runs the hell away, leaving smoke in his wake. You don't hear from him, he doesn't call back for another date and you begin to wonder where things went wrong because you "did everything right!"

The answer is quite simple: each of us has a broadcast. We feel it from others, those around us feel it from us...its an energy emission that is impossible to ignore and even more impossible to forget, most times. Just like when you walk into a room and immediately are struck with a particular feeling (usually telling you whether you are in good or bad company) those around us pick up on our broadcast as well. 

The woman in the above construct was doing everything right...that is until she started chucking the cart WELL beyond the horses and changed her broadcast to emit something far more heavy than what her date has experienced previous to his bathroom break. 

Its something that happens all the time. A client has a great date, or sometimes even just a great online conversation through match.com or some other dating portal and they call into me wanting to know what he wants, where its going and what they feel. Well already you are far beyond where you should be at this point...that is what is going on. Your broadcasting a signal that says "I'M IMPATIENT FOR A COMMITMENT" and much like bridezilla who is bulldozing her own wedding you are absolutely destroying your chance at anything organic and real by becoming too destination focused. 
 

Our broadcast has the power to attract people to us, make them feel comfortable and at ease. It also has the power to absolutely repel people, making them feel gross by simply being in our presence. When we are in the throws of a connection so new the paint isn't even dry yet  we need to be even more mindful of it. Dating should be just that...dating. There shouldn't be immediate expectation on it. We shouldn't already be envisioning what flowers will hang from our bridesmaids hands or what they will look like at 50 when we haven't even shared more than a dozen kisses, if even one!

 

We need to allow each person to be as they are when they are and not immediately question what role they will play in our lives. Though a bit scary, allowing things to organically develop is a truly wonderful and awe inspiring thing. Seeing the evolution from day one to day 345 (if it makes it that far) is truly spectacular. 

 

What if it doesn't get to day 345? Water off a ducks back! Not every connection is going to be life altering nor will they all last. Each connection teaches us something about ourselves and what we want from love and sometimes on a grander scale, what we want from life. Even when something doesn't end up in marriage or children or whatever we still need to practice gratitude for the experience and the person and let it go. If you were being smart and watching that emotional broadcast, this is a very easy and natural thing to do :)

 

So this weekend or any week when you have a hot date, just go and be your beautiful self and don't worry about tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that....let go, let be and breathe!

 

 






8 Steps To Spring Clean Your Love Life

Ive been cleaning my house like a mad woman (and for the record, I DEPLORE cleaning!); organizing junk drawers; vacuuming shoe closets and even tackling the rather arduous task of whittling down my walk-in closet. While not always the most enjoyable task (especially for those of you like me who would much rather wash their hair than clean) there is a certain sense of accomplishment and liberation once done. It got me thinking about ways in which we could Spring clean our love lives and get rid of the old to make room for the new.

Here are some of my ideas on how you can spring clean your relationships.


1). Get Talking! Lets face it there are times when you just prefer to keep the peace and so you stay mum on certain topics. Whether you are just dating or you have been together a coons age we all turn our cheek once in awhile. Sometimes we can do this to the detriment of the relationship; allowing resentments to stack upon one another until pretty soon your conversations consists of grunts and nods or in the case of those who are still in the "dating" phase you find things fall completely flat. This is the time to clear out the dust of past rancor and lay it out. This doesn't mean you have to attack your lover; it doesn't even mean that you need to make it akin to an epi of Days Of Our Lives. Rather this is the time to be honest with yourself about the things that bother you and honest with the person that you are with. Clear the air and get real, you'll be glad that you did!


2). Not currently in a relationship? I challenge you to take some time to evaluate the story you tell about your relationship with love. Its time for a new script, people! How can you expect to talk about how awful you are with relationships, how you attract "bad apples" or cant seem to find "the right" one and some how live a different reality? Energy flows for attention goes so keep that in mind when it comes to the narrative you create regarding your relationship with love. Make it positive, make it fresh, make it CLEAR of past wounds, issues and mishaps!


3). Clear out the cobwebs around the boudoir. I hate to say it ladies but its time to make room for new experiences in the sack! What better way to bring new life to your relationship than by going outside of the sexual box (no pun intended...OK well maybe slightly)! This is especially helpful for those who have been in a relationship for some time. Get back to exploring your lover! Make it an adventure of intimacy and lust and get back to basics! Remember how great sex was when you first met? Its not as though those two people getting hot and heavy with their multiple orgasms are gone, replaced with those who are dead from the hips down! You were hungry for one another, you played games and you made it fun rather than something you scheduled in the date book between the kids school play and dinner with the in-laws!

Single? Then the time its naught if not nigh for a little self love! Not only does it feel amazing (with a surefire orgasm at the end) but nothing clues you in more to what makes you feel good than exploring the territory yourself. The more you know about what makes you tick the more that you can direct the person you will share your bed with.


4). Stop expecting. How many times did arguments arise because someone didn't respond or behave as you EXPECTED they would/should? What if started to allow others to be themselves, and then decided whether or not what they were was up to your standards? What if instead of getting upset when they behaved differently than you expected you began to celebrate the differences between you two. Lets fact it not everyone is the same. We are not Girl Scout cookies packed into a neat little box, all tasting and presented the same. Its time to begin to allow people to have some personal freedom to be and act as they wish. If it presents a greater problem then you cross that bridge but if you are just pissy because Johnny didn't text you back with sweet symphonies of love it may be time to cut the dude a little slack.



5). Back to the boudoir...are your sheets more yellow than the white they were when you purchased them? Do you find that your feet h on the blanket every time you run them across it? Is there more clothes on your floor than your closet? If you build it they will come, remember that? You want your bedroom to be reflective of your passionate side. You want it to mirror the type of love you want to see taking place within its walls. Whether you are inviting someone in for the first time or you fall asleep each night next to one another its time to spruce up the bedroom! Use saturated colors that are evocative of passion and lust. Your bed linens are NOT the place to cut corners! You want a nice high thread count for the winter; it keeps heat in doubling as both practical and luxurious and a low thread count (of a quality material please, no jersey cotton!!!) in the summer to keep things breathable and cool.  Choose a variety of lighting angles and dimers allow you to adjust the mood lighting! Candles should be plentiful plus safely placed to ensure that when you are getting hot and heavy you do not inadvertently set the wrong type of fir.


6). Check the shit at the door. You know what I am talking about, folks, don't pretend you don't! We all have those relationships in our lives that even if they have officially ended they are the ghosts in our hearts. Its time to stand up for what you feel that you deserve and understand that those relationships that don't pass muster should not take up precious real estate in your life! Whether they float in and out of your life at a moments notice or refuse to meet your need for commitment its time for you to realize that the state of your love life, be it good or bad is ultimately a reflection of what you tolerate. Teach others how to treat you by treating yourself with respect and self worth.


7). Take a load off! Are you still bent that your first love cheated on you? Still dragging around the baggage left over from when your beloved forgot to call you or left his socks on the floor? Whether large or small resentments can stack up fast and prohibitively high! It may be that you need to talk it out (see tip numero uno!) or it may be that you need to evaluate why you hold on to perceived wrong doings like a sugar addict with the last brownie. Would you not feel better being free from the past? To live life not predicated on what came before this moment but with anticipation of what this moment has to teach you? Its time to relax, let it go and let it be. Set it and forget it!


8). Bring in some FUN! Remember how great it felt when you first met someone? Before you realized that they snored profusely, keeping you up all night or that they had a penchant for picking their nose? Recall the carefree freedom of just basting in the after glow before you started to bombard your mind with questions of "where is this going?" "is he going to marry me, like ever!?" or the like? Its time to let go of the destination, to stop making everything go according to plan or worry about what tomorrow holds. Its time to bring in as much fun and laughter as you possibly can. Whether you are in a relationship or still looking its time to laugh until your belly hurts and to let your playful side see the light of day from time to time!


A good relationship/love life is much like your home; you cant neglect it every day until the threat of company. You have to make sure that you are maintaining things in the love department, keeping things fresh and making sure you do a few touch-ups from time to time. I suggest picking from the above and trying out a few, the more the merrier and as time progresses, rinse and repeat!







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