This is something I wrote about 8 months ago. Every once in a while I think it's best to reconnect with your own words to see if you are actually following them. I also figured someone else might be able to use that energy right now.
Every once in a while I feel my spirit pulling me to pick up a book I've been trying to read for the past five years. I usually fly through books because I love to read! But this book is different. It's special.
It's so well written it continuously gives you goose bumps. It's written with so much love & consideration that you want to savor it like a good cognac. It makes your spirit come alive. And it torments you at the same time because it doesn't ask you the hard questions, it asks you to ask YOURSELF the hard questions & pushes you to find them within your spirit.
It starts off with, "The advantage of the written word is that I can tell you here near the beginning what was only revealed to me near the end: I write these words to myself - to name each of us - worthy of going home, worthy of having our longing met, worthy of awakening the arms of the Beloved. Finding and voicing our soul's longing is not enough. Our ability to live in a way that is consistent with our longing - our ability to dance - is dependent upon what we believe we must do. If our intention is to become who we essentially are, we cannot help but live ture to our deepest longings of our soul."
It's intense. It's called, "The Dance" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. The cover poses the question: "What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"
Like I said, I've been trying to read this book for five years now. I start to read it, get through a few pages, it gets me thinking & I have to put it down to go through my own thoughts. I'll read it so carefully slow for a few days, to absorb it all then I'll put it down because it's so intense. I end up picking it back up again a few months later and then I have to start over from page one. I once made it to around page 48. I see the last time I picked it up, I made it to page 7. I've never had a book move me like this. It's only 181 pages!!
I thought of the book today. I knew there was a reason I brought it with me instead of putting it in storage with the rest of my library. My spirit was calling to me to reread a part of it that I remember from 2 years ago.
"If humans by their essential nature are basically compassionate and capable of being fully present, why then do we so often act out of anger or harshness or distraction?"
I did that recently. I acted out of anger & hurt & fear.
"I am less interested in people's articulated spiritual beliefs or political philosophies and more interested in whether or not they are true to themselves even when it costs them something, whether or not they can be kind when it is easier to be indifferent, whether or not they can remember that to be human is to be flawed and spectacular and deeply compassionate."
uuugh Tracy sucks. That is who I am and yet, I didn't want to be 'it'.
“We cannot start from any other place than where we are. This is the work of compassion- finding a way not to put my self or the other out of my heart, letting go of the need to be right, resisting the urge to shame the other when I am hurt without denying my own pain.
Recently I failed to do this with my friend Sharon. The particulars are unimportant. I knew I had to remove myself from the relationship, but I was unaware of how hurt I was still feeling over something she had done. Being unconscious about how we are feeling, while never an excuse for anyone over forty can be dangerous. It wasn’t so much what I said; in fact, my words flawlessly addressed the behavior that necessitated my departure. But the tone of one sentence as it flew from my mouth, aimed to wound her spirit, said that there was something essentially wrong with her, that she was not enough.
I’ll tell you something you should probably know: the more consistently conscious I am of the compassion that is my essential nature, the more I ache when my own pain makes me forget this nature and lash out and make another wrong as I did with Sharon. This is what it means to be heartsick: to act contrary to our nature. And there is no way to take it back, no way to reassure the other that you have not put them out of your heart- because you did, if only for that moment. And then you are left, as I am now, struggling not to put out of my heart the aspect of myself that could so effectively hurt someone I love.”
I have been so humbled. How do you do that perfect, delicate dance of recognizing another's spirit, who has hurt you, while taking care of your own? I freaking HATE being human right now! I hate it! HATE IT! HATE IT!
The questions go in circles. See, if you let your guard down & show compassion it's opening you up to being vulnerable again. So then you have to trust that your vulnerability won't be exploited. All because we live in a society that has taught us to protect our hearts. That we must learn from our pasts by not letting in the same types of people over and over again and again and again who have hurt us in our pasts.
I'm like a child. I want to forgive immediately so everything is all warm & squishy & safe again. I have this naivety that they won't do it again. Everything is going to be alright. Time goes by and it happens again & I'm shocked. That wasn't suppose to happen! I'm four again wondering why someone hurt me again. The same someone. I want to forgive immediately & the pattern continues.
Eventually the dark side of me comes flying out on her broomstick & God's wincing at me. I have the disgusting ability to cut people to the core, with my words, like they're apples. I am constantly screaming at people, "What kind of person does that crap?!?!?!?" No, seriously, I do want to know. I have this nagging desire to know why people do what they do so I can understand more & understand better.
Why do I get blinded by their humanity? There is no 'me' and 'them' there is only 'us' and we are all one. So what makes my heart & spirit so much more important to protect than to see their pain & try to help them? Instead, no I fuck it up!!!! I know better yet I did not do better.
I was so disgustingly, heinously, horrible to someone recently. I said some things you just don't say to anyone. I'm the one who sat there on the phone with someone else months ago, listening to him rant his head off & I egged him on with kindness. I recognized him throwing a really messed up tantrum as he screamed he was going to come to my house & gut me like a fat pig. I distinctively remember laughing because no he was not. He was being an idiot & throwing around the most heinous words he could muster up in attempts to free himself from his own pain.
So what did I do? Several months later, I lashed out to someone else without recognizing the same stupidity in myself. Oh I felt hurt by this person. I wasn't transferring crap from one incident to another. I was just being a stupid girl.
I was scared because I never had to worry about something & this new emotion of having to worry about something new that is very scary, threw me off. Instead of waiting to reconcile it within myself, before I took an action, I took it at it's most raw point & acted on it.
I handled it very poorly to say the least and now I'll have to find a way to make amends.
Now that I think about it.... since we both made mistakes & we both asked each other to make up for it, I guess that's the best outcome that anyone can ask for, right?
Kind of a strange twist of irony there. I feel so humbled. But humility rocks! It's so freeing. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from your spirit.
I will wrestle with my spirit. I feel karmic retribution is undoing what you did, to the best of your abilities & spirit. If you tell someone that they are ugly, you must correct it by not saying you are sorry, nor by saying you think that they are beautiful but by showing them that they truly are beautiful. Namaste. My spirit recognizes your spirit.
If humility takes me to a beautiful place in which I can achieve that then why do people fear it (humility)? I don't.
We are not our failures. We are not our actions. We are not our mistakes. We are not our choices. We are not our circumstances. We are not our achievements. We are not our recognitions. We are neither our strengths nor our weaknesses.
I must be who I really am and I must do it frequently regardless of my own stupidity and what I have perceived has been done to me.