Peace Pudding; to be at Peace

The dark side to enlightenment: the fact that in order to grow, there will be some pain. It's inevitable. It can be from lessons, contemplation, disappointment in yourself, others & simply finding a way to be at peace with oneself & the elements around.

Everyone's heard of the book, "The Secret".   It's been everywhere from Oprah to strangers talking about it in line at the grocery store.   The underlining concept is simply the laws of attraction.   That's all it is. 

So I had to ask myself recently, "When did you stop believing & imagining?" 

I don't know.

Sometimes, as strong as we are in our spirit, at the same time, we can be as stupid as a pack of gum & miss the simple things like when did we stop .... believing.

I have to say I was highly tuned into the laws of attraction as a child & teen but didn't know it.   It was just part of who I was.   I spent hours imagining meeting Duran Duran & then years later, there they were.    If I imagined it, I could do it.  I remember feeling so invincible.    And I was.  Looking back now, I truly was.

A few months ago, I had been bothered (in a good way) why is it that after the fire, I had to have my journals.   WHY did I need them SO badly?   Besides the obvious - seriously, WHY did I have to have them & felt so intense about having them?   I wrote them, yes.  But I never went back to read any of them since I wrote them years & years & years ago. 

So I pulled them out & started reading about myself from twenty some years ago.   What I found was me.  What I also found was I had such an intense belief system that I imagined things... doing certain things & then later on down the road, there they were.  Part of my life like a missing glove that fit perfectly. 

Ahhhh it was the laws of attraction!   I had drew things to me!!  And I never understood it.   Click click click ... it all started to make sense. 

I think what happened was, I got completely overwhelmed with life that I forgot to imagine.   To daydream.  To live vicariously through my imagination & then bringing that into my life to live realistically & happily grounded. 

For the past few months, I have been focusing on what it is that I draw into my life without realizing it.   That by putting out anxiety & negativity through worry how it does nothing else but draw MORE anxiety & worry into my life.  How wasting too much energy on one single thing due to an emotional attachment is doing a disservice to myself. 

Then I started imagining again.  Believing again.   I called up my dear friend Laura & told her, "I need a man who is generous & caring like myself.   One who says, 'honey, I know how much you love New York City so here.  Go with a few of your close friends for the weekend & have a blast.'   A man who would do such a thing without caring about himself.   Yes, that is what I need."

I then imagined how it would feel to do such a thing.  Just go off & have a traveling adventure.  Two days later, a friend's boyfriend got a hold of me.  He was planning a huge surprise for her for her upcoming birthday.   He didn't just pay for my airfare out there, I wanted for nothing while there.   I cried.  Such a beautiful thing!   I continued to tell him that he didn't just give her a gift, he gave me one too.  

I drew that to me.  My friends kept saying how lucky I was & I kept saying, "I'm not lucky.  We can all have brilliant adventures in life if we just remembered how to believe, imagine & draw it back again."

I use to think my life was 'weird'.   Now, I see it is spectacular.   I have such unusual experiences & memories.   Take my friend Laura.   Laura use to call me here, on Keen, for readings.   We had a connection.  She doesn't live that far from me.  I got attached to her moreso than most of my readings.   Like my regular callers, I often wonder if they are okay.  How are they doing?   Are they happy?   And yes, sometimes I worry about them.  Sigh.

With Laura, I had warned her she was going to get fired.  I kept insisting that she send her resume out NOW.  Do not wait.  I let her know that I see her being okay that when she is fired she will get Unemployment Compensation but to send those resumes out immediately so she feels balanced & grounded in knowing she wasn't sitting by idly & letting life just happen to her.  I intuitively knew this about her. 

Then I had an emergency surgery.  I had to have a lump removed from right below my right breast.  I was resting on percocet & had not put my keen on in a week.   So you can imagine my SHOCK when the phone rang one afternoon, last August & it said, "Hello.  This is Keen."  

Huh?

It can't be Keen.  I had not put on Keen in a week.  What was going on?!?!

I trudged to my computer, logged on to the site & sure enough.  It said I was away.   So how did that call come through?!?!?!  

It was Laura.  She was upset.  She had gotten fired.   All she kept saying was, "You were right!!!"   I had to slow her down & tell her, "Uh honey.  I don't know how your call came through but I haven't been signed on to Keen in a week."  

She kept apologizing as if she did something wrong.  I told her, "Oh no.  Do not feel bad!   This is larger than both of us."

Thank God I was able to see that no matter how messed up our lives are & how in the midst of chaos we can be that there are wonderous things happening to us all of the time.  If only we just paid attention.

Needless to say, Laura & I moved our friendship off of Keen & into real life & have been close ever since.   Which is not your everyday story but it reminds us that big things happen.   If you just imagine, believe & accept.   Seriously, what are the odds?!?!   Yes, this IS a psychic site but seriously, what... are ... the .... odds?!?!   :-)

I've been on Keen for a couple of years now.  I really felt odd, at first.  I had only done readngs for friends & random strangers who moved me.  I had done readings online when I discovered the internet.  But live, over the phone, to people who were calling ME for help?    That scared me.   What if I wasn't fast enough?   What if I drew blanks?   What if my guides went out for a smoke in the middle of a reading?   Then what?   hahaha

I have awesome people who call me.  I have no complaints & I am happy that I can help a lot of people with my gifts.   Too bad it doesn't always work for you in your own life, but such is the way of the gifts.   BUT..... I am slowly being reminded that if you just imagine, just believe.... just accept.... you can draw all that is good TO you.  

So keep believing.   Keep imagining.  And no matter how much it sucks to accept... just do it.   In the long run, it will be worth it.   I know.  Because I survived then thrived after two fires this year, that destroyed everything I had.    And guess what?   By NOT dwelling on the bad, I have drawn the awesome to me.   You can too.   If you need help ... just ask. 

Love, Light & Laughter,

Tracy Tallulah

This is something I wrote about 8 months ago.  Every once in a while I think it's best to reconnect with your own words to see if you are actually following them.  I also figured someone else might be able to use that energy right now.  

**************** 

Every once in a while I feel my spirit pulling me to pick up a book I've been trying to read for the past five years.  I usually fly through books because I love to read!   But this book is different.  It's special.  

It's so well written it continuously gives you goose bumps.  It's written with so much love & consideration that you want to savor it like a good cognac.  It makes your spirit come alive.  And it torments you at the same time because it doesn't ask you the hard questions, it asks you to ask YOURSELF the hard questions & pushes you to find them within your spirit.

It starts off with, "The advantage of the written word is that I can tell you here near the beginning what was only revealed to me near the end:  I write these words to myself - to name each of us - worthy of going home, worthy of having our longing met, worthy of awakening the arms of the Beloved.  Finding and voicing our soul's longing is not enough.  Our ability to live in a way that is consistent with our longing - our ability to dance - is dependent upon what we believe we must do.  If our intention is to become who we essentially are, we cannot help but live ture to our deepest longings of our soul."

It's intense.  It's called, "The Dance" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  The cover poses the question:  "What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"

Like I said, I've been trying to read this book for five years now.  I start to read it, get through a few pages, it gets me thinking & I have to put it down to go through my own thoughts.   I'll read it so carefully slow for a few days, to absorb it all then I'll put it down because it's so intense.  I end up picking it back up again a few months later and then I have to start over from page one.  I once made it to around page 48.  I see the last time I picked it up, I made it to page 7.   I've never had a book move me like this.  It's only 181 pages!!

I thought of the book today.  I knew there was a reason I brought it with me instead of putting it in storage with the rest of my library.  My spirit was calling to me to reread a part of it that I remember from 2 years ago.  

"If humans by their essential nature are basically compassionate and capable of being fully present, why then do we so often act out of anger or harshness or distraction?"

I did that recently.  I acted out of anger & hurt & fear. 

"I am less interested in people's articulated spiritual beliefs or political philosophies and more interested in whether or not they are true to themselves even when it costs them something, whether or not they can be kind when it is easier to be indifferent, whether or not they can remember that to be human is to be flawed and spectacular and deeply compassionate."

uuugh Tracy sucks. That is who I am and yet, I didn't want to be 'it'.

“We cannot start from any other place than where we are.   This is the work of compassion- finding a way not to put my self or the other out of my heart, letting go of the need to be right, resisting the urge to shame the other when I am hurt without denying my own pain.

 

Recently I failed to do this with my friend Sharon.  The particulars are unimportant.  I knew I had to remove myself from the relationship, but I was unaware of how hurt I was still feeling over something she had done.  Being unconscious about how we are feeling, while never an excuse for anyone over forty can be dangerous.  It wasn’t so much what I said; in fact, my words flawlessly addressed the behavior that necessitated my departure.  But the tone of one sentence as it flew from my mouth, aimed to wound her spirit, said that there was something essentially wrong with her, that she was not enough.

 

I’ll tell you something you should probably know:  the more consistently conscious I am of the compassion that is my essential nature, the more I ache when my own pain makes me forget this nature and lash out and make another wrong as I did with Sharon.  This is what it means to be heartsick: to act contrary to our nature.  And there is no way to take it back, no way to reassure the other that you have not put them out of your heart- because you did, if only for that moment.  And then you are left, as I am now, struggling not to put out of my heart the aspect of myself that could so effectively hurt someone I love.”

I have been so humbled.  How do you do that perfect, delicate dance of recognizing another's spirit, who has hurt you, while taking care of your own?  I freaking HATE being human right now!  I hate it!  HATE IT!  HATE IT!

The questions go in circles. See, if you let your guard down & show compassion it's opening you up to being vulnerable again.  So then you have to trust that your vulnerability won't be exploited.  All because we live in a society that has taught us to protect our hearts.  That we must learn from our pasts by not letting in the same types of people over and over again and again and again who have hurt us in our pasts.  

I'm like a child.  I want to forgive immediately so everything is all warm & squishy & safe again.  I have this naivety that they won't do it again.  Everything is going to be alright.  Time goes by and it happens again & I'm shocked.  That wasn't suppose to happen!  I'm four again wondering why someone hurt me again.  The same someone.  I want to forgive immediately & the pattern continues.

Eventually the dark side of me comes flying out on her broomstick & God's wincing at me.  I have the disgusting ability to cut people to the core, with my words, like they're apples.  I am constantly screaming at people, "What kind of person does that crap?!?!?!?"   No, seriously, I do want to know.  I have this nagging desire to know why people do what they do so I can understand more & understand better. 

Sigh.

Why do I get blinded by their humanity?  There is no 'me' and 'them' there is only 'us' and we are all one.  So what makes my heart & spirit so much more important to protect than to see their pain & try to help them?   Instead, no I fuck it up!!!!  I know better yet I did not do better.

I was so disgustingly, heinously, horrible to someone recently.  I said some things you just don't say to anyone.  I'm the one who sat there on the phone with someone else months ago, listening to him rant his head off & I egged him on with kindness.  I recognized him throwing a really messed up tantrum as he screamed he was going to come to my house & gut me like a fat pig.  I distinctively remember laughing because no he was not.  He was being an idiot & throwing around the most heinous words he could muster up in attempts to free himself from his own pain. 

So what did I do?  Several months later, I lashed out to someone else without recognizing the same stupidity in myself.  Oh I felt hurt by this person.  I wasn't transferring crap from one incident to another.  I was just being a stupid girl. 

I was scared because I never had to worry about something & this new emotion of having to worry about something new that is very scary, threw me off.   Instead of waiting to reconcile it within myself, before I took an action, I took it at it's most raw point & acted on it. 

I handled it very poorly to say the least and now I'll have to find a way to make amends. 

Now that I think about it.... since we both made mistakes & we both asked each other to make up for it, I guess that's the best outcome that anyone can ask for, right?

Kind of a strange twist of irony there.  I feel so humbled.  But humility rocks!  It's so freeing.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted from your spirit.

I will wrestle with my spirit.  I feel karmic retribution is undoing what you did, to the best of your abilities & spirit.  If you tell someone that they are ugly, you must correct it by not saying you are sorry, nor by saying you think that they are beautiful but by showing them that they truly are beautiful.  Namaste.  My spirit recognizes your spirit.

If humility takes me to a beautiful place in which I can achieve that then why do people fear it (humility)?   I don't.  

We are not our failures.  We are not our actions.  We are not our mistakes.  We are not our choices.  We are not our circumstances.  We are not our achievements.  We are not our recognitions.  We are neither our strengths nor our weaknesses. 

I must be who I really am and I must do it frequently regardless of my own stupidity and what I have perceived has been done to me. 

The very first entry to my blog..... what to write... what to write.... what to write.... 

Too much to say, too little of space.   I couldn't condensate to save my life.   Ahhh but the Universe has a way of doing it all on its own for you.  I haven't been on keen much in the past  six months because I lost everything in a fire.  Well, almost everything but then again, how do you even say it?  I went through a fire?  I survived a fire?  There was a fire?   Do the details even matter?  I wasn't there when it happened so that was the most important thing.  Do I even mention that it was the second fire in two weeks?   Do the added details, that make it sound like a Stephen King novel, change the perception, the reality or anything for that matter? 

The Universe condensed my life for me.  In one fell swoop.  It was painful & it still is at times, but that takes time to heal, process & accept.   Everything will be okay.

As a medium, I was asked, "Did you know ahead of time?"  Yes & no.  I had inklings.  I had a couple of weird things that ran through my head but I dismissed it because if you paid attention to every single thing that ran through your head, you would seriously go insane. 

The most important part as a medium is.... to trust in the process - no matter how scary & foreign that it is.  Like today, I vex over not having any furniture & how am I going to pay the bills but then later there will be a calmness around me to remind me that everything will be okay.   I call the vexing part "Free Falling".  Man, do I hate the free fall.  

I suppose the best way to explain what it is to be a medium is to like it to paving the way for something new.  If any of us had ALL of the answers, we wouldn't be here.  There would be no need for us to be here.   We have a few extra receptors that gives us more information to decipher.  Sometimes it's nice because when we follow those inklings we end up in FunVille!  But other times it's cumbersome.   Too much information can be overwhelming.  And if you misinterpret the messages oy vey!  What a mess you can create. 

I went to a therapist right after the fire.  She asked me, "How come you feel like you have a greater sense of responsibility than others?"  I was like, "Huh?"  Did I say that?  Is that how I am?  Am I carrying that around?   Or is that the truth?   Was that instilled in me or did I come into this world with that?   And if I did, was it a past life thing or something I am to do in this life?  

When my mind starts to do that head spinning thing with question upon question upon contemplation & seeking of answers..... sometimes I just have to shut it off & get some ice cream & veg.  

All I know is, the fire purged my life of a lot of unnecessary materialstic things that I no longer needed.  Okay so it took things with it that I did need like oh my furniture, appliances, clothing, etcetera.   But it did leave me feeling free.  I am no longer tied down to things.   It did a lot of wonderous things for me too.  It's a bittersweet revelation of life.   It cleared a path for me so I can keep clearing paths for others.  I guess I can't complain about that now can I?  Ha!

Welcome to my blog where you will never know what I am going to say in here.  Expect the unexpected.   Then accept the unexpected. 

In replacing & rebuilding, I came upon a picture I had to have.  The best way to explain it is, it has different panels & in a couple of the panels are sayings. There is one saying that if I was not in a store, would have brought me to my knees.  It wasn't just perfect for me, it gave me chills!  It was made FOR me.   It says:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honoral.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.