Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

Insights, Musings and Out Takes on Life by New Age Author Brigid Bishop

When You Fall In Love With a Married Man

It isn't ever planned or well thought out, but women can and do fall in love with married men on a fairly regular basis. It is by no means an easy situation, and like it or not, someone is going to get hurt, that's just par for the course.

Do women go out with the intent to find themselves a married person to fall in love with? Of course not. Attraction, destiny, soul mate connections, current life circumstances, physical attraction, discontent with current relationship, they are all ingredients in the recipe for an affair.

Being the other woman requires you to take a step back and take a cold, hard, analytical look at the realities of your situation. There will be serious limitations and you should consider them thoroughly before embarking on an affair or continuing your affair with a married man.

It is entirely possible that someday he may leave his wife, however, you live in the present, not the future, and you have no guarantees that his marriage will end.

What you can expect when engaged in this type of relationships are a lot of spontaneous changes in your ability to see each other. Expect last minute rendezvous at the drop of a hat, but also expect that even your best laid plans are subject to last minute cancellations.

Expect to be spending all major holidays alone. He will be in the company of his family, which does include his wife and not with you. Unless you are well socialized, you can expect to be very lonely during these times.

You will need to keep your relationship discreet. You will be unable to share details of your relationship with friends and family as you would in a normal relationship. This can begin to have an isolating effect on you. You will never get to know his parents, his siblings, his children or his circle of friends unless he gets a divorce in the future, which again, is not where you are now. That part of his life will be compartmentalized away from you, where it is entirely possible that he is fully integrated into your life, creating a major imbalance.

You will truly be living in the shadow of his life.

The married male who is seeking companionship outside of his primary relationship, (his marriage), may be a male who has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife. It is possible that he does project himself into a divorce, however, he may have reasons that lead him to believe that the timing of a divorce is just not right for him at present.

The question you must ask yourself is, what kind of a relationship to you really want?

Has he ever stated to you that he is getting divorced? How much time are you willing to invest in waiting to see if he will end his marriage and move forward into a relationship with you? You need to be realistic, these situations can and do drag on for years. Set a time limit in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait on the sidelines keeping your own life on hold and stick to it.

Do you want a relationship that you don't have to hide? Do you want to be able to go out in public together without fear of discovery? Do you want to be able to introduce your partner to your friends and family and spend holidays and special occasions together? If these are things necessary to your happiness, you must take them into account when deciding whether to continue your affair or not.

Are you realistic in your expectations of how his current wife and any children he may have would react were your affair to be discovered? It is highly likely to be very unpleasant.

If you feel that you just cannot let go of your married partner and are willing to suffer through this uncomfortable situation, there are ways for you to cope.

Try to regain some balance in this totally unbalanced situation. Don't be ready to see him each and every time he can slip away because he suddenly is available unexpectedly. Although you may be tempted to take advantage of sharing that special, limited time with him, you will not allow this to occur as it shows him that he is your number one priority, although you are not his primary concern.

Never forget that these types of relationship contain high levels of romance and drama just by their very nature, whether real or imagined, this is so. Grand gestures and excessive professions of love are not unusual in these affairs. Why? Because he well knows that you are in a precarious position by being involved in him and he has to make it seem worth your while. Don't take everything he says at face value. Married men who have girlfriends lie. This is a cold hard fact. There is no way for him to maintain two honest and open relationships in this situation (unless he is part of an open marriage agreement, which is rare). If he is lying to his spouse, do not think for even one second that he is not lying to you as well.

The biggest and most common lie that married men who cheat utilize is that they no longer are sexually active with their wives. Many will even claim to have separate sleeping quarters, Don't believe that lie even for one fleeting second. If he is still married to her and they are still living under the same roof and she has no idea that your relationship exists, he is still sleeping in the same bed with her.

With that in mind, the biggest mistake a woman in this position makes is being exclusive to the married male in question. Until he files for divorce, a woman in this predicament would be wise to continue to date single and available men concurrently. The best remedy is to walk away from the married man and tell him to look you up after his divorce, but if you simply can't, don't limit yourself to being his woman on the side, continue to investigate other relationship options. If you can't bring yourself to do so, you are going to be very lonely at times.

Exercise caution in sharing information about your affair. People love scandal and gossip, and a secret is only a secret when only one person knows about it. Many, even close friends, will judge you harshly for dating a married man, so be extremely cautious about whom you discuss your situation with.

Set a definitive time limit for your affair.

Unless you want to spend decades as the other woman, as Katherine Hepburn did, only to have the married man you love die married to his wife, bring up the discussion of divorce early on in your affair.

If he does not give you an explicit time frame, you should leave him, this indicates he truly has no intention of divorcing.

If he informs you that he is waiting for his children to finish high school, seriously consider their current ages, if they are still very young, walk away. If you were to continue your involvement with him throughout their primary, middle school and high school education, what motivation would he have to leave his marriage if you were still with him?

In all of this, you must also ponder how he speaks of his current wife.

Are his references to her respectful and honest and definitive of why he no longer feels he wants to be married to her? If this is the case, he respects women and is probably being honest about how the marriage went wrong.

If, on the other hand, he runs her down and blames the failure of the marriage solely on her you need to be extremely careful. This may make you temporarily feel secure because it convinces you that he is no longer in love with his wife, but, consider that someday you may be in her shoes and would you like to hear him speak of you in that manner?

Remember, these relationships are full of drama and deception, he has to keep you feeling like your stifled relationship is worth it, and he will lie to do so.

It is a volatile and potentially painful situation you are in. You could very likely have your heart broken. He may stay married permanently. It does happen. Remember Katherine Hepburn. You could potentially spend years in the shadows of his life loving him and hoping for change only to find, in the end, all of your love was in vain.

It is best to avoid the situation altogether if possible, but if you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone. There are situations like these that do work out, contrary to popular conjecture, each situation is unique, but you must assess the emotional risks you are undertaking and be realistic about them if at all possible.

Soul Mates

by Brigid Bishop


Searching for your soul mate?  Have a romanticized vision in your head of what it will be like?  Living happily ever after and never having a harsh word pass between you?  Is this what you have come to believe your soul mate is all about?

WRONG!

Soul mate relationships, although the most SIGNIFICANT relationships in our lives, are also the most DIFFICULT, or CHALLENGING, or CONTAIN THE MOST OBSTACLES!

People look at me like I am nuts when I say this as they have been led to believe by modern marketing practices that soul mate relationships are an instant connection with the fairy tale ending guaranteed, oh lord, do we need to talk about this!

First of all, there is a common misconception that people have that each soul here on earth has but one soul mate.  That is not true.  We have multiple soul mates.  Each soul mate that we encounter is here with us because we have created a specific kind of karma with that soul.  Dependent upon the karma created......we teach each others lessons relevant to that karma.

There are also different types of soul mates.  Some soul mates are considered "twin flames".  Twin flames are typically souls that are on a very similar karmic path and we encounter them during certain growth stages of our lives, we support them, they support us.  They are typically friends, family members, or sometimes even casual acquaintances that we feel that instant chemistry with.  They are not here so much to teach us a soul lesson as to support us while we learn it.  They can manifest as children and parents, etc. etc.

There are also "twin souls".  Twin souls tend to have extremely similar life paths to ours and we tend to cultivate these relationships quite easily, the twin soul is probably the type of soul mate that the average person imagines when they reference the term.  The compatibility quotient is high, interests similar, experiences similar, etc., they typically are not the type of soul mate that passionate relationships arise out of.

Then we have the pure essence soul mates.  These are the soul mates that have been romanticized in literature etc., however, the relationships with these soul mates are NEVER easy, smooth or effortless, they can be quite painful in fact, but if we work out the lessons karmically imprinted on our souls together, we achieve the reward of being able to be happy together.

The best example of a soul mate relationship portrayed in modern media that I can think of right now is the movie "What Dreams May Come".  If you have never seen it, please rent it and pay close attention.  Robin Williams plays the male lead and I can never remember the woman's name, but this is a soul mate relationship.  In this story the man and woman meet and are very happy and productive, soul mates, but then, the soul lessons begin.

 

WARNING:  THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF THE MOVIE, A "SPOILER" TO DEMONSTRATE A SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP, DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR YOURSELF!!

 

I warned you!  This is the spoiler.  Robin Williams and his wife are happily married with children and very successful and productive.  Everything you could imagine a soul mate relationship being based on popular belief (fairy tale life), and then......one day......their nanny takes the children in the car and there is a terrible accident.  Yes, the children die.  It's horrid.

The wife falls apart and so does the husband, but the husband is capable of healing and begins to do so, the wife continues to fall apart as does the marriage, the wife even becomes suicidal, but their soul mate connection allows the husband to somehow pull her back into the living of life......just as they are about to celebrate reconciling their marriage and her recovery from attempted suicide, HE gets killed!!!!

It's so sad!!!!  He dies and the story follows him to "heaven" where he encounters certain characters..........and he is allowed to see how his estranged wife is doing.  Needless to say, she becomes depressed and suicidal and to his dismay he cannot stop her this time and she kills herself.

Well, they are soul mates, the most difficult relationships to work on, but the most connective.  He finds that she goes to hell because of her suicide, and he is successful in rescuing her from the depths of hell...........it is an excellent movie about what it means to be a soul mate and what true love is.

The movie ends with a little boy and a little girl on a dock by a lake playing who meet for the first time, yes, it is Robin and his wife again, getting yet another chance to get things right, that is the nature of a soul mate relationship.  You go through hell together and you keep getting the chance to do it over and over and over and over until you get it right.

Soul mates..........ah, the irony.  I have mine and I must tell you I spent my time in hell and he did come and pull me back out.  We went through nine years of working out our karma until we were allowed to be happy (I hope it lasts).

So when someone asks me "Is he my soul mate?" in a reading, the first thing I tell them is "You realize we have more than one soul mate, right?".

Careful what you ask for, you just might get it.


Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

*Have you read Brigid's new book "The Dating Game" available on Amazon and Kindle!


Please Arrange a Call or Try My Groups TY!

Read more about Soul Mates on Brigid Bishops' Blog at Keen.com

Gone With the Wind, a Classic Soul Mate Story

 

On The Outside Looking In

The Dating Game: Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Female?

Explore Your Natural Tendencies.

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there.........especially those who are experiencing "Relationship Issues" and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise.  This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance.  In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing.  One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of  your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?  Do you want to express yourself in terms of how you feel?  Is it important to you that your feelings are being considered?  Do you tend to look at things in terms of what you "Don't Want" instead of what you "Want".

This is a very simplistic boil down to a feminine energy being.

If, on the other hand you wish primarily for your partner to respect you, leave everything up to you, if you wish to have control over your relationship, the pace it grows at, the things that you do as a couple, the social circle you frequent, and more than anything you want your partner to look at you as a competent individual and you feel it is of primary importance that your partner respects your thoughts on any given subject and trusts you to make the right choices and you look at life in terms of what you "Want" rather than what you "Don't Want", then your primary energy is that of a male energy being.

Everyone is a mixture of both.

Which are you letting show to your partner or your current interest?

At the beginning of any relationship you are defining your primary energy and you are setting the tone for the life of the relationship.

If you are a Feminine Female then you want your partner to consider your feelings, so you must express yourself in terms of "I feel" and "I don't want....".  The feminine energy, like the Suit of Cups in Tarot is Passive and Receptive which means, if you want your feelings validated and considered you need to take a passive and receptive approach to your relationship.  Being a Feminine Female makes a Masculine Energy Male the correct "type" for you.  This is the man who wants to be respected and trusted and wants you to think him capable and competent.

For instance, if it is the beginning of getting to know a guy and he fails to call you within what you think is a comfortable amount of time you DO NOT pick up the phone and call or text him (or email him).  You wait it out.  It is uncomfortable, but that is what you do.  When the gentleman does call, your proper response as the feminine energy is something like this, "Oh, hi, I was feeling kind of disappointed when you didn't call me, I don't want to be assuming we connected if we didn't.  I'm glad to hear from you.  What's up?"  Your role in assuming your feminine energy role is to simply and passively reject or accept his behaviour.  Nothing more, nothing less.  By expressing how you feel you are putting your femininity out there for him to nurture.

This notifies the male that your feelings are important to you and his behaviour caused you to feel a little insecure, and a masculine energy male will "step up" and validate those feelings for you, without you doing a thing more.  He now knows what you don't want, and will try his best not to disappoint you again in order to gain your trust.

Now, if you are a Masculine Female and you find yourself on the waiting end of a telephone line, it is an entirely different scenario.  First of all, your match is a Feminine Energy Male.  These males tend to be the dreamy, creative type, not the traditional male.  They frequently are artists, writers, carpenters, creators in some way.  The Masculine Female wants her thoughts and opinions considered first, before her feelings, she is a "take-charge" kind of girl.  She knows what she wants and she goes after it.  The Feminine Male is the passive one.  He wants his feelings validated.  Although outwardly, he may be very masculine in appearance, his Primary Energy is feminine, which means, the woman is the one actively "in charge" of the relationship.

In this case, the woman should pick up the phone and give him a ring and invite him out, something like this, "I think we really should get together soon.  How's Friday night for wings for you?".  It's role reversal and it will work for the energies if you are both in your Natural Primary Energy roles.

Ok, so now you know you want to be the feminine energy, you feel it, and you believe that the man you are interested in is a masculine energy male.  You've started out okay, but now he is not initiating.  What do you do?

Nothing.

Sorry girls, but the moment you pick up that phone and call that masculine energy guy you are delaying any kind of commitment or progress by months, possibly years.

The conundrum you inadvertently create is that now you have two masculine energies interacting, you have "effeminized" yourself.  Now that man you are interested in thinks that your feelings do not need to be validated.  You are now "one of the guys" and fair game to ignore your feelings and not cherish them.  Is this what you want?  If you are truly a feminine energy woman, NO, you do not.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you at all, but it boils down to the very arcane (yet true) fact that men are hunters.  If they don't need to pursue you, they will simply take it for granted that you will be available to them whenever they are in the mood for your company.  They will not nurture the connection along, so ladies, PATIENCE is a virtue afterall!

If you are unsure of which energy role you have assumed or if you feel that you may have "messed up" a bit, give me a call and we can take a look at where your situation is at and I can assist you in getting it "back on track".

 

More on this, and the different ways masculine and feminine energies communicate and view sex and life in general in the next installment of "The Dating Game".

Brigid Bishop

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.



 

For Further Insight, Read "See Dick Run"

 

Published Monday, April 02, 2007 10:51 PM by Brigid Bishop Edit
Filed Under: Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach | Report this
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These are the readers I call when I have situations I seek advice on!  They truly are the BEST on KEEN!

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there.........especially those who are experiencing "Relationship Issues" and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise.  This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance.  In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing.  One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of  your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?

In order to prevent copyright infringement, this blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" releasing in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

Revision One © July 2009

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact Brigid Bishop via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.


For further insight, Read "See Dick Run"

I compiled 13 effective spells for the 21st Century to encourage communication, draw love, bind negativity and more!  I have released them in a little book effective today.  If you are interested in performing spellwork, these rituals will come in quite handy. Includes instructions for working with the phases of the Moon.  Available at fine booksellers everywhere.  Releasing on Kindle as well!

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

 

Many clients call and have concerns because their relationships are not “perfect”, and some may be striving for the “next level” and frustrated with what they perceive as a lack of progress. 

Perhaps they have been dating the same gentleman for 2 years and he has not yet proposed, or perhaps they are living together and he has not yet asked for marriage, or perhaps they are casually dating and he has not yet asked to be “exclusive” or defined the relationship at a level they are satisfied with, i.e. significant other.

Well, let me start by telling you that as an Advisor here on Keen.com, it would be totally unethical and unprofessional for me to tell you WHAT to do.  The best counsel I can offer you is what you can expect given your current path and what changes you would need to make if you are dissatisfied with the outcome.  The rest is up to you, your free will will define the course as you move forward.  If you like the outcome, of course, you are going to stay on that same path working toward that goal.  If you do not like the outcome, we can look at what (if anything) you can do to change that particular outcome……and work from there.

One of the primary reasons that progress slows in relationships prior to establishing the “next level” of commitment, no matter what step of the relationship ladder you are on, is the imbalance of masculine and feminine energies within a pairing.  Please read my blogs on the subject matter for further information.  Click here for some insight into the masculine and feminine energie of your situation:  Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Person?

In order to prevent copyright infringement, this blog has been condensed to an excerpt as it currently appears in Brigid's book "The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of The Heart" releasing in April 2010 and available at Amazon and fine book sellers everywhere.  Ask for it by name!

 

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

 

Visit Brigid Bishop

I've just returned to Keen full-time after nearly a three year absence.  I had to leave for a while after my son, Zachary, was murdered.  I am glad that I am finally able to be back, and I thank all my loyal clients for calling and chatting with me.  And I also thank all of the NEW clients who have contacted me recently, you are all wonderful people!

I would like to know what you are interested in seeing me write about.  I've been re-posting excerpts from my book "The Dating Game".  Would you like to have me write more about Tarot?  I can post excerpts from my book "Uncloaking the Tarot".

I am here to service clients of Keen and would like your feedback on what you would like to see me blog about.  Please comment with suggestions of topics, and I will do my best to accommodate the wants and needs of my audience.


Brightest Blessings!

Brigid Bishop

A perfectly valid question to ask a Relationship Coach.  A frequent question that a Professional Tarot Reader hears. 

When will he say he loves you?

This is a very valid question to ask if you are within the scope of the first three to six months of a relationship.  Many people are wise enough to take the time to wait and see how their relationships develop before blurting out those three big words.  In fact, if someone blurts them out any sooner than that, it may well be in just a spur of the moment fashion, pertaining more to infatuation or the intensity and passion of a new love affair, rather than a true verbalization of emotion.

It also depends upon your level of emotional maturity.  Of course, if you are a teenager, three to six months can be an eternity as few relationships at that age have any real longevity, but if you are a mature adult and you really are concerned with your partner telling you he loves you, take this factors into consideration.

1) The length of your relationship. 

As stated, the length of your relationship is the first point to consider.  If it is less than three months old, are you sure that you are feeling love yourself or is it the blush of a new affair?  Take your time and slow down.  Don’t worry if he loves you, focus on how you feel about him!

2)  If you have been involved for more than a three month period consider whether your partner is attentive and consistent.

If you can count on your partner to be consistent in communication with you, if you are dating on a steady basis, meeting each other’s friends and families and generally sharing your lives with each other, you may be at the point when this love will be expressed.  It is likely to happen during this time frame for most couples who continue to develop to a deeper level of commitment.

If your partner, on the other hand, is sporadic or inconsistent with you, if you find yourself being in an “on and off” state, or if you just see each other every once in a while it is not likely that you are going to hear those words any time soon.

3)  If you have been seeing each other for more than six months and he hasn’t said it yet….

If he is consistent and attentive, he should definitely be expressing this sentiment by the nine month point.  If not, you may be in a dead-end relationship. 

How can you tell?

He is sporadic with time and communication.  You can’t count on him to know that you will be spending time together, you are always worried whether or not he’s going to call to make plans with you.  He is socializing regularly without you, with other friends, or may still be dating other people openly (or discreetly).

If this is the case after a nine month acquaintance, this is just a casual dating situation and if you are looking for “true love”, you aren’t going to find it here!

4)  If you have been dating for longer than nine months and he still hasn’t said it…..

Then he may have a warm and affectionate feeling for you, but the man doesn’t love you.  If you have to ask someone else, when someone you’ve been dating for nearly a year or LONGER is going to verbalize love for you, he isn’t going to say it.  He may hold you in high regard, he may care for you, he may have plenty of affectionate feelings for you, but does he “love” you?  No.

If a man cannot tell you that he loves you by the end of the first year of dating or beyond, then he is not viewing you as a life partner, he is viewing you as a pal.  Someone to take out, be physical with, enjoy spending time with, a companion, but not a life partner that he loves and wants to commit to.

Odds are if you are dating for more than a year and he hasn’t said he loves you that he is still shopping around and you are the one that “will do” until true love comes around.  Instead of trying to MAKE the man fall in love with you, which is utterly IMPOSSIBLE, your best bet is to let go, move on, and find someone who will appreciate and love you.

I know this sounds harsh, but after ten years of coaching women through relationship issues, I have found that the women who are brave enough to let go and move on are the women who find the love and the partner that they desire.  Those that hang in there and try to force the relationship to develop, or think that by staying they will make it happen, frequently find that they have wasted months, possibly even years, on a dead end relationship.

Where do you want to be a year from now?  If you are comfortable with a long term dating situation, then that’s great!  However, if you do want to be loved and cared for and become a true life partner to a man who is sincere, don’t waste more than nine months waiting for a man to express his affections.

If you leave, yes it may hurt, but you are then free to find someone who truly DOES care.  The upside is, if he really DOES love you and was just having trouble expressing it, he won’t let you go for long.


To gain more insight into making your relationships work for you, purchase a copy of Brigid Bishop’s The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of the Heart, available on Amazon and Kindle.


Want to learn to read Tarot for yourself, friends and family, maybe even Professionally?  Pick up a copy of Brigid Bishop's Book and Workbook set Uncloaking the Tarot, available on Amazon and at fine booksellers everywhere!!!

Wondering if the gentleman that you are interested in developing a relationship with is sincere about wanting to get to know you?  Is he just interested in you in a "casual" way?  There are several key indicators of what a man's intentions are toward you that are easy enough to spot.

Understanding the short-term and long-term relationship strategies that men implement is an easy way to know whether your new interest is "worth the wait".  Applying this knowledge to your personal relationships is not a difficult task, it just takes a little critical thinking.

First of all, you have to understand what attracts men.  Looks.  Yes, men are shallow beings.  Attractiveness is measured psychologically by a person's symmetry.  If you are a pleasant looking individual, who has a face that is well-balanced, clear skin, and a decent appearance to your hair, you are probably considered reasonably attractive.  Body shape needs to lend itself to a "fertile" appearance.  A well-defined waist line, not anorexic, but a slimmer waist, with hips a bit broader, and a defined bosom are considered signs of fertility.  Well proportioned, balanced, symmetry again.

If a man is interested in a long-term relationship, he will pursue a woman who has symmetry, appears "fertile" (even if beyond child-bearing years), and has a relatively healthy appearance. 

If a man is only looking for short-term connection (casual sex), he will not really put a high value on the female's appearance, as he does not value her as a potential permanent partner.  So check out the quantity and quality of his short-term partners if you can.

Age does matter.  Men are drawn to fertility (yes, even if you are beyond child-bearing years).  Rarely does a younger male seek the companionship of a significantly older female.  Generally males pursue females who are an average of 3 to 5 years younger than themselves for long-term relationship formation, although this is the average, the older a male becomes, the larger the age gap.  If you are older than him, the odds that he is looking to you to form a long-term relationship go down, exponentially with each year that you are elder to him.  If you are 5 or more years older than him, unless you are extremely wealthy, or have some other type of material security to offer him, he is just looking for a casual, short-term experience with you.

Cougars are a myth.  They exist only in Hollywood and on TV shows, and remember, a real cougar is only using the younger man for HER pleasure, not building a "relationship".  So be realistic.  You may have a fun time with "Mr. I am 8 Years Older than Him", but that's all it is likely to become, don't expect a lot.  There are exceptions to every rule, but you would save yourself a lot of heartache if you learned to realize these relationships seldom develop and behave accordingly.

So, men are looking for symmetry, youth, and fertility for long-term relationship building.  What are they looking for in the short-term?  Anything goes.  In the short-term, men are unconcerned with symmetry, they may only be with you one time.  They have no concern about your age, you can be a suitable sexual partner regardless of being his senior, and perhaps an enjoyable one at that, until he finds someone he has a more committed interest in.  Body shape?  Short-term, men are usually unconcerned with whether you are too thin, too heavy, or perfectly symmetrical, they have no intention of sticking around once they have had enough pleasure from you.

A key indicator is also how your appearance matches up to his.  Tens attract tens, nines attract nines, and fives attract fives.  If you have a realistic self-awareness of your attractiveness level, and you believe yourself to be a six, and a gentlemen who is a nine begins showing an interest in you, be careful...he is probably only looking for a short-term connection (unless he views you as a 9 or 10).  Saying "you're hot" to you does not mean that he believes you are superior in attractiveness, it just means that he wouldn't kick you out of bed, not until he was done, anyhow. 

So, if you are looking for a long-term partner, keep in mind that he should be someone who is similar to you in level of attractiveness, age appropriate (+/- 5 Years is a stretch, usually plus 3 to 5 (or more if you are older), and -3 for the reach toward the youthful men), and shows a consistent interest in you.

What do I mean by consistent?

Regular, intentional interest and communication initiated by him, toward you.  If he only approaches you at the bar, at midnight, on Friday night, and you don't hear from him all week, that's not consistent.  If he likes your facebook posts, but never calls you to chat or asks you out, that's not consistency.  If you only see him at a class you both happen to enjoy, that is not consistent.  Direct and personal contact indicates interest.

Don't invest your time, or your heart, until he has built consistency.

Evolutionary Psychology teaches us these facts, and these facts are scientifically valid.  Evolutionary Psychology also states that men will wait to become physically intimate with a mate that they perceive as having long-term potential, but with short-term partners, they will want physical intimacy quickly, and very quickly find another short-term, once they are satisfied.

So, pay attention to the "Science" in love.  Take your time, let the male pursue, and do not become intimate until you feel he has a vested interest in you.

 
Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Where are you at with your relationship style?

Independence?

In “Deep End”-ness

Co “Deep End”-ness

Inter “Deep End”-ness

Picture the realm of relationships as a big swimming pool. You are in the deep end of the pool.

If you are in “independent” mode, you are swimming around all by yourself, doing fine, getting out and diving in off the high dive, unaffected by the other swimmers around you. You are an individual and you are not connecting with others at this time, you are focused on yourself and yourself alone. You may take an occasional date with another swimmer, but you prefer to swim alone most of the time.

If you are in “codependent” mode, well, you won’t go in the water alone. Someone must always be with you. A lifeguard must always be around. When you dive in you immediately swim over to another swimmer and begin to cling on to them, they frequently push you away. You may feel like you are drowning and no one is helping you. The more you try to cling to another swimmer, the more you are pushed away and you thrash around and swallow water and end up hanging on to the side of the pool coughing and crying. It’s not much fun in the pool for you, but you keep trying.

If you are in “interdependent” mode, you have a great time at the relationship pool. You have one special partner that you swim with on a regular basis. You may synchronize your swim into a beautiful dance in the waters of relationship, when you go to the diving board to try a new move, your partner is there in the water below waiting and watching to be sure you are safe, spotting you while you dive, and you do the same for them. When your swim time is over, you are both comfortable going your separate ways as you know that you will meet back at the pool again soon for another dip, and you feel secure about the other person.

I am a firm believer in interdependence. Independence is fine, it is healthy, but in relationships we have to know how to let people in. Independence can become lonely if we refuse to join in the fun going on in the relationship pool, but there are times when we want to be alone, perhaps we are healing over a bad breakup or just not ready because we have other priorities right now, raising children or career, etc., but don’t swim alone for so long that you forget how to connect.

Codependence is a horrible, anxiety ridden state to exist in. We feel like we are nothing unless we can define ourselves by our relationships, behaviors while in codependent mode can escalate to cyber stalking, and worse, physical stalking. We want others in our lives so bad that we drive them away because we don’t have the self-discipline to let our relationships develop naturally. We tend to go through relationships faster and in higher numbers than most. They all seem to start off promising enough, but within a month or two we are back on the side of the pool crying and coughing. If you are in codependent mode, it may be wise for you to try the independent mode for several months to readjust your relationship goggles and your approach to relationships in general. Once we have mastered independence, we have a much higher success rate at moving on to interdependence.

Ah, interdependence, to me, it is the way all healthy relationships should operate. You and your loved one are secure in knowing that you are there for each other, you are capable of being together, happily, and also of pursuing other interests and friendships without fear or insecurity. There is no need to check up on each other or doubt anything because you have established trust, respect and love. To gain interdependence you and your partner must spend the necessary time in the relationship pool, getting to know each other and enjoying each other, but you must also learn to respect each other’s boundaries and to give each other space.

What is your style of swimming in the relationship pool?

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.

Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop



I get this over and over and over again in my professional practice. Women, who are otherwise intelligent and logical beings become irrational and unrealistic and anxiety ridden when the object of their affections becomes ambivalent, or worse, uninterested.

I am not talking about those in "long term" relationships. I am talking about those who are truly single and dating who don't want to give a relationship time to grow or develop naturally, or don't allow the male to take the "reins" so to speak, of the masculine energy role (the initiator) and jump the gun in oh so many ways.

The advice that I give over and over and over again, which VERY few follow, is to remove their energy and attention AWAY from the gentleman who is behaving in a distant manner. This means, don't call him up, don't text him, don't stalk him online, don't invite him out..........the female (at the dating stage) must allow the male the time and the "room" to decide whether or not he wants to take this further, which is not on the same schedule as the female.

Females tend to decide very quickly that they want to be involved. They may have just flirted with a gentleman and they will call me and ask "is this the guy that I am going to marry". Although the cards will show if there is a POTENTIAL for a long term relationship, if you have just met a guy this weekend and he hasn't even asked you out yet, this question is based on suppositions galore and it is not likely that you will get a very accurate answer. Tarot Readings are not set in stone. They will tell you what is LIKELY to happen if you remain on the same path, continue with the same types of actions, into the future. Any changes in YOUR behavior change the outcomes of the situation...Tarot Readings are a living, breathing, metaphysical wonder and change as your actions change.

A more apropos question at the first stages of infatuation would be "will he ask me out" and then after a date or so "will we develop a relationship" perhaps after 6-9 months of exclusive dating...."will he consider marrying me".......the questions have to be realistic in comparison to the situation in order to have any sense of accuracy. If you want to be the "feminine" energy in a relationship with a "masculine" male, as archaic as it may sound, you must allow him to set the pace. If it is not in your nature to allow this, then you may be a "masculine" energy female, or if you are truly "feminine" energy, you need to discipline yourself to your natural energy.

All modern women must maintain a masculine energy at work, and our "go get it if you want it" attitude will serve us well in our careers, but NOT in our relationships (unless he is a feminine energy male), but this post is about the majority....we shall discuss the opposing roles later. Ok, so he is a masculine energy male. He wants to be TRUSTED. He wants you to think he is COMPETENT. So why would you pick up the phone and call him and ask him out for the weekend??? It makes him feel like you are taking the lead and that you do not feel he is man enough, or responsible enough to be able to ask YOU out. He may say yes, but you are setting a playing field where you will ultimately lose! Your role, as the feminine energy, is to ACCEPT or REJECT whatever this man presents to you. If he does not call you within a comfortable amount of time, it doesn't mean you call him and take the lead, it means you REJECT his negligence and busy yourself with friends or on other dates with males who respect you enough to follow up with you.

If a male tells you he would rather "be friends", it does not mean that he really down deep wants to be your lover but is afraid of commitment, or was hurt and afraid he will be hurt again. It means he IS NOT interested in being your lover...move on. If he changes his mind, he will be back.

The most effective means of measuring a man's interest is to keep moving on, keep moving forward UNTIL HE ASKS YOU to stop, stay still with him for awhile. Until a man asks you to be exclusive to him DATE YOUR BUTT OFF!!! If you are in a dating slump......keep yourself busy doing the things you’ve always wanted to do....live your life as you imagine in your mind......start living the life you imagine.....on your own!!!! Nothing draws a man out more than the absence of your energy. If you allow him to feel your absence, he will feel the need to connect, and he will INITIATE!!! If you are always there, texting him, phoning him, lurking on line, he has NO MOTIVATION to connect...........you are always available...so there is no sense of urgency for him to get some of your time and attention...he already has it!!!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

Inspiration

 

What drives us to passion?

What masks our pain?

What keeps us from sleeping and drives us insane?

Those empty promises, spoken - unashamed.

Whispers of futures yet to unfold.

Empty illusions, souls that are cold.

Wanting contentment, seeking our peace.

A love that won't bind us, but stays within reach.

We act on impulse, fan the flames of desire.

We want a soothing love, but get burned with desire.

The hurt and rejection serve to inspire.

We reek of emotion and tangle with lust.

Yes, inspiration, we do what we must.

Leave the door open, write it down again.

The pen and the paper, our constant friend.

A footstep?

No, Just a lonely tree's moan.

We are inspired, but our soul stands alone.

 

Bridget J. Delfine

 

Copyright ©2007 Bridget J. Delfine



In today's world we have more leisure time than ever to focus on achieving our individual goals.  We work hard, we use all of our time and energy chasing the rainbows we have established for ourselves.  These rainbows can be careers, relationships, family matters, material possessions or just about anything we set our sights on and value.

This is good.  This is productive.  This is healthy. 

HOWEVER, sometimes we get so caught up in any one particular rainbow that we fail to see that no matter how focused we are in our pursuit, that rainbow always seem to elude us.

Frequently, this rainbow comes in the form of a relationship.  Perhaps it is someone we once loved and have lost and are hoping for their return.  We put all of our energy and focus into when will that love once again reach out to us, when will that love leave their current partner, when will that love come back to me?  Maybe it's someone that we have been interested in for a long time but for whatever reason, we haven't been able to move from the plateau of "friends" to the higher level of "partners".  We focus on what they may like or want from us, we make ourselves readily available to them and we live in a perpetual state of hope.

These are just two examples of when we need to learn the lesson of "Surrender".

Surrender does not mean that we just "give up" and move on.  Surrender is synonymous with the word "Faith". 

When we surrender, we are telling The Universe, ok, it's not working my way, I have FAITH that you,  (The Universe), will have this situation work out to benefit my highest good, so I am going to let go of trying to control this situation and take care of myself.  I am going to place this issue in your hands and pray that in your infinite wisdom, you will see fit to adjust this situation to the best possible outcome.  I accept if it is not meant to be, but I have FAITH that you will choose what is best for me.

We then trust that our Higher Power, The Universe at large, will set things right for us.  We move on, we let go.  We accept the things that we cannot change, which may be letting go of a preferred partner.  We stop waiting and wondering if our relationship with them will manifest or heal and move forward and focus on ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being hopeful that someday things may change, but we can't focus on it.  We accept that the situation is not changing to our liking and we surrender our will and stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

If we truly can do this, we will find much inner contentment and peace and we are no longer filled with anxiety.  That sick feeling in the pit of our stomach goes away.  We have peace of mind and an inner calm that no one can disrupt.

That is the "Beauty of Surrender".



Panic button

HAVE YOU PICKED UP YOUR COPY OF "THE DATING GAME" YET? A must read no matter what your relationship status.










Look for it online and at fine book stores EVERYWHERE! Ask for it by name!

The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop

The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop


Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.

The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.

The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.

Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.

Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.



Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop


Update! 4/24/10, This title is available on Amazon and Kindle!!!


Are You Codependent?


Codependency is a slippery psychological slope.  Often times it is hard to differentiate as to whether one is a kind, caring and loving partner or in a codependent state.

How does one know if one is codependent?  No one can tell you that you are codependent, you need to work through the identification process on your own.  All love affairs and serious relationships have hints of codependency about them, it is a normal and natural part of the loving process to want to help and encourage our partners.  The difficulty comes when the boundaries between who is responsible for what blur, codependency has often been described as a “loss of self”.

Here are some factors that may help you to determine whether or not you suffer from codependency.

Caretaking

Codependents tend to feel over responsible for others.  They cannot allow anyone to sink or swim, they are the people who continually rescue others.  They feel that they are responsible for the feelings, thoughts and actions of others to the degree that they violate personal boundaries on a regular basis.  When someone they care for has an issue or problem, the codependent reacts as if the problem is their own.  Whether their assistance is sought out or not, the codependent will try to “fix” other people’s problems.  Codependents become angry when or if their help is not effective.  Codependents will anticipate the needs of others and spend the bulk of their time fulfilling those needs.  Codependents harbor resentments because they do not receive the same level of assistance in return from those that they make their lives revolve around.

Low Self Esteem

Codependents tend to come from dysfunctional families and situations, yet at the same time, deny that any dysfunction existed.  Codependent persons criticize themselves brutally but cannot accept criticism from others.  They regularly reject compliments and praise.  They have frequently been the victim of some form of abuse and tend to relish the victim role.

Become Obsessed

Codependent people are overly concerned about other people’s worries and problems and frequently suffer great anxiety over these issues.  Worry about slight details is common.  Codependents tend to speak about other people rather than themselves, as their focus is always outward, not inward.  Codependents regularly check up on other people and have issues with trust, they try to catch people lying or doing hurtful things as they expect to be hurt or betrayed in some way.

Controlling

Backgrounds of codependent people frequently had them live through situations which were very much out of control, therefore, a good deal of the codependent’s energy is spent trying to control other people and their environments.  Codependents cannot allow events to happen naturally but must push to move situations in the direction they prefer.  When they fail to control people and events, they tend to become very angry and frustrated

Denial

Codependents ignore their own problems or pretend that they aren’t there.  They tend to suffer from depression and a myriad of ailments.  They can become workaholics, alcohol abusers, self medicate, overeat or spend compulsively.

Dependency

Codependents rely on outside sources for happiness, they cannot be happy in their own skin, they have extreme difficulty being alone. 

Poor Communication

Codependents cannot express dissatisfaction or their wants clearly, instead they lie, beg, demand, blame, coerce, threaten and bribe.  When these tactics fail, they frequently go into a codependent rage.

Codependent Rage

Because the codependent is unable to express dissatisfaction or displeasure in a timely manner, they frequently allow resentments to build and build until a trigger event, that may be quite minor in nature, sets them into a full-blown rage.  Codependents can become extremely angry and even violent while in this state, everything that has been boiling inside them, sometimes for years, will explode during these outbursts.  Issues that have long since past or been resolved are brought up as if they happened just yesterday.

If any of these qualities sound like you or someone you know, you may well be dealing with codependency issues.

Coping With Codependency

The first step in dealing with codependency is to understand and accept that you cannot control other people.  You must learn that the only person that you can control is yourself.  You must learn to set clear boundaries between your own responsibilities and the responsibilities of others.  In learning to let go of the urge to fix everything and everyone you can begin to lead a happier, more relaxed life.

Whenever something is upsetting you, you can try this little exercise.

Write down why you are upset, in detail.  Write down what you can do about it, what can you really do to change the situation?  If there is a solution, start working on it, but, if it turns out that there is nothing that you, personally can do to change the situation there is only one thing that you can do and that is accept the situation for what it is, and let go.

Do this each and every time that you get upset and you will begin to see that you may be wasting a lot of your emotional and psychological energy on episodes that are totally beyond your control.  In disciplining yourself to analyze situations this way, you will begin to recognize those issues that you cannot influence and find, over time, that you are becoming upset less and less frequently.


Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop


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