\t\t\t\t\u201cAbandon hope, all ye who enter here.\u201d<\/p>\n
In Dante\u2019s Inferno, this is the official motto of the underworld. It\u2019s also one of my favorite mantras for clients chasing love. It\u2019s not that I want everyone to give up, lie down on the couch, and watch Netflix\u2014far from it! I take my interpretation of Dante\u2019s warning from the great spiritual teacher Pema Ch\u00f6dr\u00f6n: it means that hope is addictive and blinding. Hope is denying the flexibility of the present by telling yourself, \u201cOnce Joe realizes I\u2019m right for him, we can be together in a townhouse by the beach, and I\u2019ll never have to be sad again!\u201d Hope is making your happiness wait on someone else.<\/p>\n
Countless times, I\u2019ve advised people paralyzed with hoping that the object of their affection will soon come around offering love, commitment, and security. There\u2019s nothing wrong with some amount of pining (where would poetry be without longing?), and sometimes, like in a long-distance relationship, the wait is worth it. What I\u2019m talking about is clinging to one expected outcome, the singular dream of \u201ccatching\u201d that elusive person who either doesn\u2019t notice or won\u2019t cooperate with your romantic plans.<\/p>\n
How do people get up on that pedestal, anyway? If you\u2019ve recently promoted your cute barista from coffee break diversion to demigod, you may be compensating for insecurity somewhere else in your life. When you\u2019re afraid of the future, it\u2019s tempting to see other people as the guardians of your happiness\u2014that way, if you\u2019re miserable, it\u2019s their<\/em> fault for withholding love.<\/p>\n In any game of romantic cat and mouse, it\u2019s common to ask yourself, \u201cShould I let go?\u201d As the wise poet Dante would say, abandon hope if\u2026.<\/p>\n 1. \u00a0 \u00a0 You don\u2019t agree on commitment.<\/strong><\/p>\n When you met in the summer, it was all about fun\u2014bikinis, drinks by the beach, sharing a questionable hot dog on the pier. Now that sweater weather approaches, you\u2019re looking for more cuddling and commitment. But do they want that, too? If you asked your summer sweetheart for more<\/a> and they started fading away, let them go. Trying to pressure someone into a relationship never works\u2014when they stop playing by your rules, it\u2019s easy to become resentful. And why be with someone who needs convincing? Don\u2019t try to change them. Acknowledge the bittersweet end of your fling as gracefully as possible, then open yourself up to meeting like-minded partners.<\/p>\n 2. \u00a0 \u00a0 You\u2019re still not \u201cFacebook official.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s been weeks now. You\u2019ve been wined, dined, and maybe a little more. Your new lover says<\/em> you\u2019re special\u2014so why does his Great Aunt Margie have more visibility on his Facebook page than you? Come to think of it, you\u2019re rankled that you still haven\u2019t met his friends. If you\u2019re tired of being kept at arm\u2019s length, you need to ask him what\u2019s up without making accusations. \u00a0If you don\u2019t like the answer, consider moving on.<\/p>\n 3. \u00a0 \u00a0 You can never reach them.<\/strong><\/p>\n Is she a globe-trotting hotshot surgeon? Is he probably just home playing XBox? In any case, the best balm for a cold phone isn\u2019t sending an eleventh unanswered text. Get up and do something fun and enriching\u2014if they feel the same and have room in their life for love, they\u2019ll reach back soon.<\/p>\n 4. \u00a0 \u00a0They\u2019ll be ready in six months.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n My client Derek had fallen hard for his newly single friend, Cara. When he shared his feelings, Cara replied that she needed some time to heal before dating again. Derek waited patiently for months as several kind, attractive, and available women passed him by. When Cara eventually moved on with someone else, Derek was devastated and disappointed. Save yourself the trouble: \u201cMaybe later!\u201d means \u201cDon\u2019t wait up.\u201d<\/p>\n 5. \u00a0 \u00a0 They\u2019re in a committed relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n The man of your dreams saunters into your life\u2014followed by his wife. How did this happen?! Sometimes, you miss a soulmate in one life<\/a> but find them in another (which, by the way, doesn\u2019t mean there\u2019s no one else in this<\/em> life for you). Then again, a manipulative person will do anything to charm you into a secret affair. No matter what, waiting for someone to leave their partner is a waste of time and love you could be offering to someone who can reciprocate. And cheating is number one on my list of karmic natural disasters\u2014just don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n 6. \u00a0 \u00a0They just need a little love potion.<\/strong><\/p>\n She\u2019s smart, funny, and gorgeous. She\u2019s also not interested in you. But put down that aphrodisiac cocktail<\/a>! Even though it hurts to be dismissed, rejection isn\u2019t a personal challenge to prove your worth. Consider it a blessing that she was so upfront. She\u2019s saved you from an unsatisfying relationship. So instead of investing yourself in becoming her fantasy, be the best you<\/em> possible\u2014you\u2019ll attract admirers without even trying.<\/p>\n 7. \u00a0 \u00a0 You\u2019re playing relationship musical chairs.<\/strong><\/p>\n Jillian contacted me in a panic\u2014on the eve of her 34th birthday, she still wasn\u2019t hitched. Plenty of phenomenal men and women don\u2019t wed until later in life, but in Jillian\u2019s family, the fear of becoming an \u201cold spinster\u201d looms over every birthday cake. \u201cRyan has<\/em> to make me his girlfriend\u2014who else is left to marry?!\u201d she blurted out. It was apparent that she was hanging her happiness on her date; Ryan didn\u2019t exactly light her fire, but he did score high on her checklist (employed, stable, and okay with her two Pomeranians). To Jillian, dating was a game of musical chairs, and she would not be left standing. Once we identified that she\u2019d made Ryan a symbol of security, she relaxed. She even started to enjoy their dates more once the pressure was off.<\/p>\n Abandoning hope, picking up possibility<\/strong><\/p>\n As the sweltering summer gives way to brisk autumn, the energy of the universe is conspiring to help you break free of the fixations that obstruct real love. Your warm-weather fling may go the way of the changing leaves, but have no fear\u2014fresh chances for autumn romance abound, from pumpkin carving and Halloween mischief to snuggling up with hot ciders.<\/p>\n So when you\u2019re considering pursuing or continuing a potentially fruitless relationship, ask yourself a question: how many great romances do you know of starring a cowboy who forgets to text back, a warrior princess who doesn\u2019t mind lukewarm love as long as he\u2019s employed, or a handsome prince who thinks he might be into you, but just isn\u2019t totally sure because this chick he\u2019s been SnapChatting is also pretty cute? Right, I thought so. None. A partner worth opening your heart to will move mountains and cross oceans to prove their love, so don\u2019t waste your time on someone who leaves you hanging.<\/p>\n Could you be hooked on a dating disaster? Not sure if you\u2019re driving down a romantic dead end? A KEEN advisor<\/a> can help set you on the path for real love.<\/em>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cAbandon hope, all ye who enter here.\u201d In Dante\u2019s Inferno, this is the official motto of the underworld. It\u2019s also one of my favorite mantras for clients chasing love. It\u2019s not that I want everyone to give up, lie down on the couch, and watch Netflix\u2014far from it! I take my interpretation of Dante\u2019s warning …<\/p>\n