{"id":900,"date":"2016-01-21T19:54:40","date_gmt":"2016-01-21T19:54:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.keen.com\/newarticles\/uncategorized\/guilt-and-shame-understanding-the-distinction-at-a-spiritual-level"},"modified":"2022-10-12T07:37:48","modified_gmt":"2022-10-12T07:37:48","slug":"guilt-and-shame-understanding-the-distinction-at-a-spiritual-level","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wordpress.keen.com\/articles\/psychic\/guilt-and-shame-understanding-the-distinction-at-a-spiritual-level","title":{"rendered":"Guilt and Shame: Understanding the Distinction at a Spiritual Level"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Guilt<\/a><\/p>\n

The first thing Sandra told me was, \u201cI think I need to leave my boyfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandra, 47, was a financial analyst in Bridgeport, Connecticut who contacted me for advice about ending her eight-month relationship with Bryan, a 50-year-old director of a nonprofit. After connecting through an online dating service, coffee had quickly escalated to leisurely weekends together, and now their family and friends were merging. But right as the real intimacy was beginning, Sandra wanted to bolt.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think the problem is?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just think we\u2019re not a good fit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandra was putting up defensive walls with her non-answer, but her aura<\/a> spoke loud and clear, broadcasting a deep bruise that had probably existed long before Bryan entered the scene. I sensed that he was entirely tangential to her pain. Sure enough, it turned out Bryan was a good listener and kind soul. He supported her as a friend and lover, and their chemistry was to die for, a deep and prismatic connection that vacillated between effortless harmony and red hot passion. They had the kind of relationship I want for all my clients.<\/p>\n

I honed in on a topic that made Sandra\u2019s whole demeanor go dark and tense. \u201cBryan\u2019s organization is always hosting these fundraiser banquets, and about two months ago he started asking me to come along. I just…I dread<\/em> them. I can\u2019t do it anymore. But if I don\u2019t go, I feel like I\u2019ve abandoned Bryan.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apparently, attending these socials was so painful for Sandra that she was willing to drop her entire relationship to avoid them. I\u2019ve been to some bad dinner parties before, but neither food poisoning nor dreadful conversation could convince most people to drop a man like Bryan. No, Sandra\u2019s problem was about something much bigger than supper.<\/p>\n

The Heart of Sandra\u2019s Problem<\/strong><\/p>\n

The only way to help Sandra was to guide her into the tender core of her discomfort. I pictured Sandra much younger, a time when her aura was clearer and brighter. Suddenly, another girl appeared\u2014tall, graceful, and redheaded.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s Nancy!\u201d Sandra said when I described the vision.<\/p>\n

When she was in the sixth grade, sophisticated, smart, and trendsetting Nancy was her idol, and in the bravest move of her twelve years on earth, she\u2019d invited Nancy over for an after-school snack. She was so excited to have Nancy\u2019s captive attention that she\u2019d pulled out all the stops to impress her, showering her with endless samples from the pantry and reciting every last morsel of the week\u2019s gossip. When Nancy left, her mother had pulled her aside and scolded her harshly.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are such<\/em> a motor mouth! That poor girl didn\u2019t even have a chance to speak. Good luck making friends if you don\u2019t stop talking so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandra sighed longingly. \u201cI know it happened thirty years ago. In fact, I never even think about Nancy. But\u2026 remembering it now, I feel so guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d I said. \u201cYou feel ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Straightening Out Guilt and Shame<\/strong><\/p>\n

Guilt and shame are lookalike sisters that tend to get confused for one another. But there\u2019s a crucial distinction. In the definition of renowned researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown, guilt says \u201cI did bad,\u201d while shame says \u201cI am<\/em> bad.\u201d(1) Sandra didn\u2019t believe she was a fundamentally good person who made a mistake trying to impress her classmate. She had internalized the message that she wasn\u2019t okay: she was a blabbermouth, and she had to hide it.<\/p>\n

Nearly everyone feels guilt and shame. Guilt can be productive. When you react to a situation with guilt, you can hold yourself accountable, own your mistakes and empathize with the people you\u2019ve injured. But when you feel ashamed, you\u2019re so mired in self-loathing that it\u2019s hard to see past yourself. What a raw deal: you wound yourself and<\/em> you still haven\u2019t fixed the problem!<\/p>\n

While guilt motivates you to make amends and move on, shame lives on inside you as a sinister, trash-talking fiend. It says you aren\u2019t worthy of love at your core, so you\u2019d better start acting. And shame invariably leaks out in other ways. You get defensive about the qualities you\u2019re most ashamed of, and you loathe those qualities in others. When you\u2019re full of shame, you shame others. Sandra\u2019s mother used shame to change her daughter\u2019s behavior, perhaps because of a hidden wound of her own.<\/p>\n

The Simple Cure for Shame<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shame is so mighty it can hobble a successful woman like Sandra for decades. But it has a simple antidote: compassion. It\u2019s impossible to feel shame when you choose to love and accept yourself. This isn\u2019t always easy, but self-compassion can be cultivated over time.<\/p>\n

I told Sandra we were going to combat her shame with a great big dose of warmth. I helped her connect with a voice inside her that she found comforting, a wise soul that she believed was her guardian angel<\/a>. \u201cImagine that loving presence comforting twelve-year-old Sandra,\u201d I said. \u201cEven though young Sandra talked over Nancy, is she still worthy of the angel\u2019s love?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Sandra, \u201cof course she is!\u201d<\/p>\n

The Mythical Power of Names<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sandra realized that she didn\u2019t want to end her relationship at all. She had been desperate to avoid her boyfriend\u2019s fundraisers because they triggered her deep, secret shame around socializing. She wanted to impress the donors, but she felt so confined by a nagging internal voice that urged her to shut up and stay out of the way. Now that she\u2019d named her shame, it didn\u2019t seem so menacing. I advised her to talk to Bryan about her feelings and even to disclose her tender memory\u2014like a folktale demon, shame can evaporate when it\u2019s spoken aloud.<\/p>\n

The Freedom to be Imperfect<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sandra wrote me a few months later with joyful news of progress. After our session, she\u2019d begun to embrace her authentic self, sharing and chatting more at Bryan\u2019s banquets. In the middle of one passionate conversation, she got carried away and interrupted a very important donor. The woman shot her a look, but Sandra quickly realized her transgression and apologized. \u201cBefore, I would have run to the bathroom and cried. But instead, I owned my mistake and fixed it. And that donor left us her biggest gift yet!\u201d<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t own your shame, your shame owns you. KEEN advisors<\/a> can help you identify and heal the shame that stifles your authentic, true self.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

1. http:\/\/brenebrown.com\/2013\/01\/14\/2013114shame-v-guilt-html\/<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The first thing Sandra told me was, \u201cI think I need to leave my boyfriend.\u201d Sandra, 47, was a financial analyst in Bridgeport, Connecticut who contacted me for advice about ending her eight-month relationship with Bryan, a 50-year-old director of a nonprofit. After connecting through an online dating service, coffee had quickly escalated to leisurely …<\/p>\n

Guilt and Shame: Understanding the Distinction at a Spiritual Level<\/span> Read More \u00bb<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":979,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[161,231,436,505],"class_list":["post-900","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychic","tag-emotions","tag-guilt","tag-psychic-insights","tag-shame"],"yoast_head":"\nGuilt and Shame: Understanding the Distinction at a Spiritual Level - Keen Articles<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? 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