{"id":938,"date":"2016-01-21T19:05:19","date_gmt":"2016-01-21T19:05:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.keen.com\/newarticles\/uncategorized\/let-baby-birds-fly-recognizing-bad-relationships-from-the-start"},"modified":"2021-05-24T20:08:45","modified_gmt":"2021-05-24T20:08:45","slug":"let-baby-birds-fly-recognizing-bad-relationships-from-the-start","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wordpress.keen.com\/articles\/love\/let-baby-birds-fly-recognizing-bad-relationships-from-the-start","title":{"rendered":"Let Baby Birds Fly: Recognizing Bad Relationships From The Start"},"content":{"rendered":"<\/p>\n

\"fixerupper<\/a><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all done it\u2014 dated someone who just doesn\u2019t pull their weight in a relationship. If you\u2019re feeling drained of your energy and patience trying to clean up after a thirty-something-year-old child or tolerating \u201cquirks<\/a>\u201d that border on classifiable personality disorders, you\u2019re in good company. The \u201cbaby bird complex,\u201d or the desire to patch up the wings of every adorable little sparrow that lands on our doorsteps, also applies to relationships. Lots of us can\u2019t resist the mating call of a good-looking single person who just needs a little love to get off the ground. There\u2019s a couple reasons why nursing the emotionally injured (or just plain unavailable) back to Nicholas Sparks-movie levels of datability is so darn appealing:<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0The ego boost of being a savior.<\/strong>\u00a0So he\u2019s a struggling artist who needs you to pay for his rent, laundry, and frappuccino habit\u2014but\u00a0are\u00a0you shelling out the cash daily because you love him, or you love the fantasy of being the wise, faithful patron of America\u2019s next breakthrough macaroni sculptor? If you\u2019re making peace with your relationship frustration by daydreaming of mediocrity suddenly tipping into money-making genius, perhaps you\u2019re sticking it out with future-Andy-Warhol for the wrong reasons\u2014and ignoring his deadbeat ways in the here and now. Someone who doesn\u2019t pull his weight, or make reasonable attempts to balance the scales, isn\u2019t using you as a muse. He\u2019s just using you. Even if you\u2019re not clothing and feeding a \u2018starving artist\u2019 type, the same dynamic occurs frequently with people who wear their emotional damage on their sleeve. Although everyone has past hurts and traumas to overcome, people who seem especially needy\u2014interminably heartbroken or incapable of intimacy\u2014can exert a tractor-beam pull on the slightly-more-stable. Saving them is a quest that promises a lifetime of dependency and worship\u2014ahem, security. It\u2019s so normal to feel this attraction that seducers throughout the ages have employed an air of pitiful vulnerability to lure well-meaning victims into their thrall. Of course, in most cases, a man who says \u201cI\u2019ll never feel love again\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not capable of commitment\u201d really, truly means he\u2019s not available.\u00a0<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0Unrealistic optimism.<\/strong>\u00a0So she meets\u00a0most<\/em>\u00a0of your criteria. She\u2019s funny, smart, and attractive, which is pretty good, especially considering that most of your friends are married already and mild anxiety is setting in. So what if she flips out and threatens to call the whole thing off when you don\u2019t drive her to the airport? Things will probably improve as your relationship builds. Except, they usually\u00a0don\u2019t<\/em>. The habits we first notice in people are typically quite hard to break, and your love\u2014magnificent as it is\u2014is likely not up to the task of quelling her tantrums. It\u2019s somewhat ingrained in us to be optimistic and expect the best of people, but when it comes to choosing your life partner, what you see is what you get. You\u2019ll never find someone perfect in every way (and think how obnoxious this person would be), but sacrificing your relationship priorities for security and a Facebook album of soft-light wedding photos is a recipe for resentment. Unfortunately, even the best of us can wind up making this bad deal in our times of insecurity.<\/p>\n

3. Getting fooled by a first impression or led on.<\/strong> On your first date, you swooned over his eloquence, his exquisitely tailored suit, and his sigh-inducing stories. Just as advertised in his online dating profile, he declared wistfully that he longed to settle down in a wood cabin the Rocky Mountains with a family one day, and you almost fainted into your penne ala vodka<\/em> with delight. Seven dates later, you\u2019re wondering what happened to the suave charmer from the Italian restaurant. He seems to have been replaced with a non-committal man-child who frequently ignores your texts and then invites you over for what sounds like a booty call at odd hours, possibly while intoxicated. Unfortunately, people make deceptive first impressions all the time, with and without intending to. If the evidence is stacked high that you\u2019ve been duped by a fabulous introduction that doesn\u2019t deliver, cut your losses. If you\u2019re thinking, I\u2019ve already invested so much<\/em> or It pays to give him a little more time<\/em>, you\u2019re investing in what economists call a \u201csunk cost.\u201d As any stock broker will tell you, you\u2019re not getting your time and money back, so quit before you give any more.\u00a0<\/p>\n

4. You\u2019re a sucker for adventure.<\/strong> She\u2019s a full-time street musician who plays\u2014get this\u2014a didgeridoo made of PVC pipe. Or a globe-trotting pediatric neurosurgeon who removed a tumor the size of a tennis ball from the Malaysian ambassador’s daughter. When someone has a life story that makes your heartbeat rise with vicarious excitement, it\u2019s easy to overlook the ways they\u2019re not your ideal partner. Maybe Miss Didgeridoo has you doing her laundry and bills while she jams with the paint-bucket percussionists, or you have a strong and not totally unsubstantiated suspicion that your favorite Doctor to the Stars is seeing other people after surgery wraps up. If you\u2019re a sucker for new experiences and wild stories, you might downplay your own discomfort and unmet needs. But while you might feel like a victim, you\u2019re actually the one using your partner in this case. If the two of you are happy with the arrangement, there\u2019s no reason it has to stop. If you start craving more equality, openness, and intimacy, though, you might be out of luck.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Although there are plenty of reasons to stay in a fixer-upper relationship that isn\u2019t very fulfilling, most of them boil down to a personal choice. Every partnership takes two people, and though you may feel led on or manipulated, carefully reflect on why you\u2019ve chosen to stay as long as you have. There\u2019s probably a reason for it, and once you\u2019ve identified exactly what draws you into a potentially toxic situation, you can find other, more satisfying ways to meet that need.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Do you wonder if your relationship is a dead end? Advisors at KEEN.com<\/a> can help put your situation in perspective and point you towards fulfillment.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We\u2019ve all done it\u2014 dated someone who just doesn\u2019t pull their weight in a relationship. If you\u2019re feeling drained of your energy and patience trying to clean up after a thirty-something-year-old child or tolerating \u201cquirks\u201d that border on classifiable personality disorders, you\u2019re in good company. The \u201cbaby bird complex,\u201d or the desire to patch up …<\/p>\n

Let Baby Birds Fly: Recognizing Bad Relationships From The Start<\/span> Read More \u00bb<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":979,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[55,461,464],"class_list":["post-938","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love","tag-bad-relationships","tag-relationships","tag-resolutions"],"yoast_head":"\nLet Baby Birds Fly: Recognizing Bad Relationships From The Start - 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