Keen Category: Love Advice
So you think you want your ex-lover to come back. Well, obviously it won't work if things remain the same as they were prior to the breakup. In any case, you must allow plenty of time to recover and regain your sense of self before attempting a reconciliation.
After your recovery period is up, if you still want to get back with your ex, it's time to ask yourself why. Most people want to reunite with their ex-partner for reasons other than true love. In cases like these, it's usually the ego talking. This is something we've all done at one time, so understand that these emotions are natural, even though they are not healthy.
When one tries to get an ex back for egotistical reasons, the chances of succeeding in the pursuit or maintaining a healthy relationship is slim to none. If your intent isn't pure, you won't succeed in getting what you want.
Ask yourself if you want to rekindle a past relationship for the following reasons:
- Your ex is with someone new and your ego is bruised. You can't accept the fact that your former partner hooked up with someone else so soon after your relationship ended.
- You are beating yourself up over the split, telling your mind that you failed; you want to reconcile just so you can regain your power.
- You are on the receiving end of the breakup and again, your ego is bruised. You want your ex back just to soothe the ego. You are no longer truly in love with your former partner, but you want to know that you can entice this person back.
- You never completely let go of the issues that led to the end of the relationship or never viewed the ending as positive. Because you have held out for a reconciliation, you haven't re-established your trust in other potential partners and now you believe your ex is the only one who will want you and make you happy.
- You want your ex to feel the pain and agony that you experienced. Basically, the only reason you want your former partner back is so that you can reject this person.
All of these reasons are guided by the ego. Sure, you've been hurt, we've all been there and if you're honest with yourself, you have been on the delivering end as well. That's life. Don't take a breakup personally. There is always a reason why a relationship doesn't work out for one or both parties involved.
Here's a personal example of what happens when you're looking to rekindle a relationship for the wrong reason:
My high school sweetheart and I were together for 3 years. I went on a family vacation the summer before my senior year. During that trip I had an uneasy feeling that something wasn't right with my relationship. I just knew that it was over and that I had to leave him. As soon as I came back from my trip, I went to visit this guy at his job. When I hugged him, I knew immediately that he had cheated on me. The next day I broke up with him without telling him why.
Of course he was hurt, but that same week he was spotted with my then "best friend," holding hands and kissing at a school function. I was livid when I heard, but didn't want to believe it until I saw them together with my own eyes. Well, my "best friend" had stopped calling me and soon I did see them with my own eyes. I called my ex and tried to get him to take me back, but he turned me down cold.
The moral of the story is obvious. I only wanted him back because he was with another girl, my best friend, and I felt betrayed by both of them. My intent was to hurt her when he took me back and then I would hurt him by finding another guy to cheat with. My higher self wouldn't let me be vindictive and I learned a very important lesson from that experience.
If you think you want your ex back, here are 12 questions you will need to ask yourself before trying to reconnect with your lover:
Do I want my ex to be happy, with or without me?
If you feel that the only way your ex can be happy is with your presence, you're sadly mistaken. If you don't want this person to be happy without you, it's not real love.
Is this person emotionally, physically and legally available?
If your ex is not truly available for a solid and stable relationship, you won't get what you're seeking. If this person is in a relationship with someone else, then your ex is off limits.
Has my ex voluntarily made the important changes needed to keep our relationship stable and happy?
If your ex is still behaving as before the breakup, you won't be happy and your relationship will fail again.
Have I made any changes, learned my lessons and grown on spiritual and emotional levels?
If you are the same as before the relationship ended, chances are your ex will not want you back.
Do I depend on this person to provide me with true happiness and validation?
If you can't be happy or find validation on your own, chances are nobody – not even your ex – will ever be able to fulfill these expectations.
Am I truly needed and wanted back in my ex's life?
If this person is attempting to come back into your life, make sure that it is being done with pure intent and not from an unhealthy motivation.
Has the separation been long enough to regain my personal power?
If you are still feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, lost, confused or any other damaging emotion, it's not time to rekindle the romance. You must be completely clear and independent before starting a relationship with anyone, let alone your ex.
Am I trying to get back into my ex's life so that I can get revenge or make this person feel the pain I've been through?
You must be honest with yourself while asking this question. The best way to know if you're doing this for impure reasons is by assessing your emotions.
Have I completely accepted my ex for who he really, truly is?
If you want this person to change in fundamental ways, you should not try to reconcile.
Have I stopped placing blame on my ex for my pain, and am I being accountable for my actions or inaction?
If you don't take responsibility for your actions in any given situation, you are in serious denial. Even if your ex cheated on you, your actions after the fact will shine through. If you haven't forgiven your ex and are still blaming him for your current pain, then your relationship is doomed for failure.
Have I truly let go of the past and am I able to trust this person now?
If you are still holding on to various issues from the old relationship, you will carry them into the next one. If you can't trust your former partner now, you never will. Even if your ex has proven that he's changed, if you're still angry about the past, nothing this person does will ever please you.
Am I willing to take things slowly?
If you want to rush back into a relationship, chances are you haven't learned anything and you won't experience anything new. If you have caused your ex any pain, he will also need time to rebuild trust. Take things slow and do not push for something prematurely.
Getting back together with an ex can be successful, but oftentimes both parties need space to re-ground and find themselves. Most of the time, people go back to their past because they're afraid of the future.
Remember, you can't live in the past or in the hope of what might be in the future. You must live in the now.
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- Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
- Five Signs Your Ex-Boyfriend Wants You Back