We’ve all been in this situationship before. You’re seeing someone. It’s consistent enough to matter, but not defined enough to relax into. You spend time together, you have fun, you like them. But there’s always that question sitting in the back of your mind. What are we, exactly?
At first, you ignore it. You tell yourself to go with the flow. Not overthink it. Just enjoy it for what it is. But eventually, the lack of clarity starts to get to you. You catch yourself overanalyzing small things. Wondering where you stand. Thinking about it more than you want to admit.
That’s usually the point where the conversation needs to happen.
Why Avoiding It Feels Easier (But Isn’t)
You want to define the relationship, but sometimes, not bringing it up can feel easier. A lot of people think if they don’t say anything, they won’t mess anything up. But what actually happens is the opposite.
You start overthinking everything. You analyze texts, replay conversations, and try to read between the lines instead of just getting a clear answer. And now something that was supposed to feel good is taking up way too much mental space.
Also, they might be confused too. If they care about you, they can probably feel that something’s off. Or they might not know how you feel and don’t want to risk saying the wrong thing. So now both of you are just guessing instead of actually communicating.
At some point, someone has to say something. And it can be you.
How to Approach the “What Are We” Talk
Step 1: Don’t Do It While You’re Spiraling
The most important piece of advice is to have the conversation when you’re in a good emotional place. This isn’t something to rush. If you’re feeling worked up, give it a beat. Bringing it up while you’re anxious or frustrated can shift the tone fast, and suddenly you’re reacting instead of actually saying what you meant to say.
Take a minute to settle yourself. Get clear on what you actually want to express. Aim for a place where you feel grounded enough to speak plainly, without overexplaining or second-guessing mid-sentence.
You don’t need to be perfectly calm. Just steady enough to stay in the conversation.
Step 2: Be Honest About What You Want
Clarity starts with you. Before asking someone else where they stand, take a moment to define what you’re actually looking for. Not what feels safest to ask for, not what you think they might want, but what feels aligned for you.
Whether you want a relationship, exclusivity, or simply more clarity, keep that front of mind going into it. This isn’t about trying to meet someone else’s expectations. It’s about owning your own. You can only speak for what you want.
Step 3: Keep the Conversation Simple
There’s a tendency to overthink how to say this perfectly, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. Simple and honest works best. You might say something along the lines of enjoying your time together and wanting to check in on how they see things developing. It can be calm, open, and straightforward all at once.
There’s no need to over-explain or soften your message to make it more palatable. At the same time, it doesn’t have to feel like a big, high-pressure moment. You’re starting a conversation, not delivering an ultimatum.
Step 4: Avoid the Spiral Mid-Convo
This is the part where people tend to lose their cool. You say what you need to say, and then there’s a pause. And that pause can feel awkward.
The instinct is to fill it. To clarify, to add context, to smooth things over in real time. But that often takes you further away from what you actually meant.
Let there be space. It gives the other person room to process and respond honestly, and it allows your words to land without being diluted.
Step 5: Listen to What They Actually Say
Whatever they say, take it for what it is. Don’t try to decode it. Don’t look for hidden meaning. Don’t convince yourself it means something else.
If they’re clear, believe them. If they’re unsure, that’s also an answer. If they don’t want what you want, that’s an answer too. It might not feel great, but it is clarity. And clarity is what gets you out of the spiral.
